[Fic] Beneath The Trees
Title: Beneath The Trees
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Sehun/Lay, Jongin/Luhan
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Angst, Childhood!AU
Length: 3982 w.
Warning(s): Non descriptive child abuse, gay slurs, physical bullying
Summary: Can I hold your hand underneath the trees? And love you for real?
Note: Reposted from my old lj account koreanitalics.
"Can I hold your hand underneath the trees?"
The wind picks up and blows Luhan’s hat right off his head.
Sehun laughs as Jongin chases after it, but gust has taking a liking to the blue baseball cap, and doesn’t feel like giving it back. Luhan pouts, and Jongin comforts him, apologizing profusely for not being able to catch it fast enough. Sehun promises him he’ll buy him another one in the next store they visit. This makes Luhan smile a bit. Jongin smiles too, and says he’ll pitch in a few dollars to help.
"Come on, Sehun. We’re going to be late!" His mother calls, one hand on her her own hat, the other holding her skirt down.
Sehun nods before grabbing both of his friends hands and tugging them along with him.
Luhan picks out a bright orange fedora from the hat store they stopped in. Jongin thinks it’s hideous, and tells Sehun, but Sehun thinks it suits Luhan. Jongin shrugs and follow the other two boys to the cashier.
"Sehun! Please stop straying so far away from me!" His mother shrieks when she turns around from looking at the scarves. She grabs Sehun’s arm and yanks him all the way to the cash. She buys herself a sequined blue scarf, and Sehun and Jongin pay for Luhan’s hat.
"Think of it as an early birthday gift." Jongin smiles.
"Do I still get another one when it’s my actual birthday?" Luhan asks.
"No."
Luhan’s lip begins to quiver, and Jongin changes his mind.
Sehun’s mother crouches in the living room of their apartment. Her bag is set on the carpet beside her, and she grabs Sehun’s arms. He feels her sharp, fake nails dig into his coat a little, and poke at his sensitive skin.
"You’re too young to run away from me so often." Her voice is soft, but serious.
"I’m sorry, mommy. I was just exploring."
"You’re only eight. You can explore when you’re older, for now, you have to stay close to my side when we go out." She pats his head, and stands up.
"Yes, mommy."
Sehun watches his mom go into her room. He follows after, feet shuffling against the carpet.
"When will daddy be home?" He whispers. His head peeks around the door frame.
His mother’s facial expression changes significantly, as she sheds her coat. She fluffs her long black hair and removes her very heavy looking silver necklace.
"Soon, Sehun." Her voice is almost a whisper this time. "Soon."
Sehun sits in the living room with Luhan and Jongin. Each of them has a bowl of popcorn in their lap, and Monsters Inc. plays on the little box of a tv in front of them. Luhan laughs at every part, whether it’s funny or not. Jongin punches his side each time he does so.
Luhan is chinese, and has bright blonde hair. He also really likes hats. Jongin is korean, just like Sehun. He really likes sweaters. He’s wearing a maroon one right now with a golden zipper. Sehun thinks he looks very handsome in it.
Luhan and Jongin could not be more opposite. Luhan is blond, and fair skinned. Jongin is a dark brunet, and his skin has a tanned glow. Luhan likes hats, and likes to laugh. Jongin likes hoodies, and uses sarcasm in every moment of his free time. Sehun loves them both equally though. They’re always kind to him, as he is kind to them. Unlike a lot of the othe people in his life.
The door clicks open a half an hour after midnight, and Sehun’s father comes in. Sehun’s movie finished at midnight exactly, and he’s snuggled in bed now. Luhan and Jongin sleep in sleeping bags on their floor. Their sleeping bags are in their favorite colors. Luhan’s is blue, and Jongin’s is red. Sehun’s sheets are yellow, because he likes yellow.
There is yelling coming from the living room. Sehun curls deeper underneath his sheets, pushing his head as far as it will go into his pillow so he doesn’t have to hear the noise. He wishes Luhan and Jongin would come onto his bed to help calm him down, but they’re fast asleep and can’t hear the shouting.
Sehun thinks he hears him mother crying.
The door to his bedroom opens and his father comes inside.
"Where’s my beautiful boy?"
His voice is deep. Goosebumps run wild up and down Sehun’s spine.
He’s crying now, as his father’s large hands meet his shoulders that he’s trying to hide beneath his sunshine yellow polka dot bedsheets.
“Sehun, wake up. You’ll be late for school.”
Sehun doesn’t feel so well. He climbs out of bed, and wakes up Luhan and Jongin ever so gently.
"It’s almost time for school." He tells them. "You better make your lunches and pack your backpacks."
Luhan and Jongin get up, and go do just that. Sehun leaves his room, still in his pajamas.
"I don’t want to go to school."
"But you have to, honey, it’s against the law not to."
"I can’t go to school, mommy."
"How come?"
Sehun bites his lip. “My bum hurts.”
His mother’s eyes well up with tears, as she walks over to him. She crouches again, and tentatively was her arms around for a hug. “I’ll go get you some cream.”
Sehun nods a small ‘thank you’, and thinks he hears his mom say a quiet ‘I’m sorry’, but he can’t be sure.
It doesn’t make a difference either way.
School starts early, and Sehun is tired. Jongin is a bit of a rebel, so he drinks coffee in the morning to stay awake like the teachers and other adults do. He offers some to Luhan, but Luhan doesn’t like the taste. He offers some to Sehun too, but he knows it’s not very good for him, and agrees with Luhan about the taste.
They walk to school together, dodging smelly pedestrians and selfish drivers. Luhan almost gets hit, but Jongin saves him just in time. Sehun leads them the rest of the way.
All three of them wear the uniform. A navy blue button up shirt with a navy blue blazer, and a pair a navy blue slacks with navy blue dress shoes, and navy blue tie.
"It’s a lot of navy blue." Sehun had remarked the first time they ever saw their required uniforms. As usual, Luhan had laughed, and Jongin had said ‘at least they aren’t pink’. And that time Luhan had said he liked pink a little bit, and Jongin had said that was gay. Sehun didn’t know what gay meant at the time. He thought it meant girly. According to some of the other boys at school, he was right.
Sehun, Luhan, and Jongin find their way to their hooks outside of their classroom, and hang up their colorful assortment of backpacks. Luhan’s is blue, and Jongin’s is red. Sehun’s is plaid, with some yellow and green because he likes those colors and his mother liked plaid. The backpack was also on sale at the back to school store.
After hanging up their things, and retrieving their books, pencil cases, and lunch boxes, the trio went to their classroom. The bell had not quite rung yet, so the room was pretty empty. Sehun took a seat at one of the tables. The surface in front of him had something sticky on it. Sehun didn’t want to know what it was. He put his pencil case in the desk, along with his flourescent yellow binder, and library book. It was called ‘Harry Potter and the Socerer’s Stone.’ Sehun really liked it. It was about a wizard who was a little older than him, but he didn’t know he was a wizard at first. There’s a lot of magic, which Sehun likes, and a lot of humor, which Luhan likes. Sehun suggested he read it after he was finished. He didn’t offer to Jongin, because Jongin doesn’t like to read.
Recess isn’t any fun. For some students, it’s their favorite part of the day. Luhan personally liked math the best. He said everything had a formula, and as long as you remembered that, you would do well. Jongin liked gym time. He liked playing basketball and soccer until his bangs plastered themselves to his forehead. Sehun didn’t like any subjects. He didn’t like school.
Today wasn’t a very good day. Sehun’s behind still stung a little, and Luhan offered to rub it for him, but Sehun politely declined. This time Jongin laughed.
"Fags." He said.
Sehun looked at his strangely. So did Luhan. A lot of the boys at his school called other boys ‘gay’ or a ‘fag’ if they did something a girl would usually do. No one ever called any of the girls a ‘fag’ if they did something a boy would usually do. Even though many of them wore pants as their uniform instead of the intended skirts. Sehun thought a skirt would be more comfortable, in the summer at least, than the dark slacks.
Two boys in the schoolyard were holding hands. One was blond, one was brunet. The blond had tanned skin, and the brunet was very pale. Sehun thought they looked like Luhan, and Jongin, but mismatched. The two boys looked like they were slightly older than him. They were also giggling over a joke one has told right into the other’s ear. Their hands laced together and they sat next to each other under a large tree with feathering leaves. Sehun thought they looked really happy. Luhan thought so too. Jongin thought they looked like ‘fags’.
"Faggots!" A boy far older than them, yelled across the yard. The blond one looked up. His eyes seemed a little scared, Sehun thought. The older boy had some friends, and his friends started yelling mean things at the blond and brunet holding hands. As the group got closer, the two boys stopped holding hands. As they group got even closer, they stood up. Their fists were readied, but they mustn’t have really been ready, because the blond went down with a bloody nose after one of the older kids threw a punch. It was chaos. Boys kicking and swearing and shouting and punching and slapping. Luhan started to cry. Jongin said he might throw up. Sehun didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. By the time he had gotten enough courage to even look at the incident straight on, the older boys had dispersed. The blond was clutching his nose, and the brunet looked unconscious.
"We have to help them." Luhan pleaded.
"They brought it upon themselves." Jongin stated like a fact.
Sehun didn’t know who was right.
The two boys never held hands in the schoolyard again.
When Sehun got home that night, his mother had made his favorite food for dinner. Macaroni and cheese, with extra cheese.
"Just how you like it." She said with a smile.
Sehun shuddered.
He ate his dinner at the kitchen counter. He didn’t make a single sound.
"Does love hurt?" Sehun asked after he had finished. There were still three noodles at the bottom of his bowl. They didn’t exactly count as noodles though, they were really smushed.
"Sometimes." Was his mother’s simple sounding answer.
Sehun drank his glass of milk, swallowing thickly.
"I want daddy to stop loving me. Or at least love me a little less. It hurts too much."
His mother was silent. Then his mother was crying.
"Can you ask him for me, please mommy?" Sehun looked up.
His mother’s crying only grew to heavy sobs.
Daddy’s love hurt a lot more tonight.
"Tomorrow, I want you to ask your fathers to come in and talk to us about their job." Miss Kay told them today. Her last name was too long to say, but it started with a k.
Sehun felt a little sick to his stomach. His bum felt sick still too. It hurt to sit on it.
One of the littler girls in his glass shot her hand up in the air. Miss Kay called on her.
"What if we don’t have a father?"
"Then your mother can come in."
"What if she doesn’t have a job?"
"Then bring an uncle, or an aunt. Anyone in your family who works for a living is welcome."
A few of the children released breaths of relief. Sehun didn’t know what his father did for a living. He didn’t think his mom had a job either.
Another kid’s hand rose tentatively in the air.
"Miss Kay?" His voice was shaky.
She nodded.
"What if we have two fathers? Can we bring both?"
That kid was picked up by his two dads early today. After he was beaten to a pulp in the yard, and called a ‘fag’.
Luhan kept skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk as they walked home. Jongin walked more in the street than on the sidewalk. Sehun used to sidewalk as it was meant to be used.
"Do you like boys?" Luhan asked Sehun. Jongin scowled.
"You two are boys. I like you two." He answered.
"But do you like like us?" Jongin spoke up.
Sehun bit his lip.
"Do you want to compliment us, or kiss us, or hold our hands in the schoolyard?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No."
"Fag."
Sehun felt tears still the back of his eyes. Jongin wandered to the other side of the street. Luhan’s hand brushed up against his own as he jumped over a crack. Sehun thought Luhan’s hand felt really nice and soft.
"What’s a faggot?"
Sehun thinks his mom cries a lot. She started crying again when he asked this question.
"It’s what some boys call other boys who like boys." She got out when she finished her tears. "It’s not a very nice word."
"Is liking boys bad?"
"Of course not. Some people think it is though."
Sehun gulped. “Okay, mommy.”
His daddy was a boy. Sehun was a boy.
His daddy loved him.
Therefore, his daddy was a faggot.
“Sehun, where is your father today?”
Sehun twiddled with his thumbs before answering. “He couldn’t come. He’s busy.”
"Do you want to come up here and tell us about what your dad does?"
Sehun stood up. His legs felt like jelly beneath him as he walked up to the front of the classroom.
He swallowed thickly before speaking.
"I don’t know what he does for a living. But when he comes home, he loves me."
Miss Kay cooed. So did a few other girls in the classroom. They werent heard very well over most of the snickers.
"What does he do to show you he loves you, Sehun?" Miss Kay prodded.
Sehun’s cheek flushed red. Miss Kay and a few of the other students looked on expectantly.
"He hurts my bum."
Sehun’s mother came to pick him, and Luhan and Jongin up from school that day.
A old woman wearing black and white, and carrying a large briefcase came to pick Sehun up from his apartment that day. His mother yelled at her, and cried again. Sehun hid in his bedroom with Luhan and Jongin.
"Everything will be okay." Luhan told him.
"You should have never told them what your daddy does." Jongin whispered.
Sehun began to cry. Jongin called him a pussy, but Luhan extended a hand.
"It’ll be okay." He said.
Sehun laced his fingers through Luhan’s, and Jongin called them both ‘fags’. But Sehun didn’t care. No one else was there to see.
Just before the lady dragged Sehun out the door, his friends wished him goodbye. They could not come with him. Luhan took an audible breath, and pressed a small kiss to Sehun’s cheek. It made him shiver. It was a pleasant shiver though. Jongin’s mouth opened to say something but instead all that came out was a grunt. Sehun looked at the dark eyed boy as he was tugged by the arm out the door. Moments before his feet crossed the line of the doorframe, Jongin leapt at him with a crushing hug.
"We’ll be right here when you come home." He whispered into Sehun’s hair before letting him go.
Sehun smiled at the two, and looked up at his mother.
"I’ll see you again soon, mommy."
And he did. The trial came sooner than any of them thought. Sehun say in the corner of the courtroom silently. His mom fought valiantly for his custody. Sehun felt his chest swell with admiration for her. He was going to make her something when he went to school again. For now, he was seeing a therapist for his sore rear and apparently ‘damaged childhood’.
His daddy was prosecuted for hurting his bum on multiple occasions. Hurting children’s behinds was illegal. Sehun agreed greatly with that. It wasn’t right to put that pain on someone, especially someone eight years old. As he nodded vigorously to every statement someone on his mother’s side said, he spotted Luhan and Jongin peeking up over some of the seats in the back. They spotted him too, and began waving. Sehun gave a little wave back. Luhan even blew him a kiss. Sehun shivered again. And again, it was a pleasant shiver.
That night he was allowed to go home with his mother. Luhan and Jongin must have left early because he didn’t see them anywhere in the building after the case had come to a close. He hugged his mommy for a very long time after they left the room. They didn’t talk much on the ride home, but they did hold hands in the back of the taxi. Sehun noticed that his mother’s hands weren’t nearly as soft as Luhan’s were.
When they got home, Sehun’s mother cried again. She held him close in the archway between the living room and the kitchen. She began apologizing nonstop for daddy hurting his bum, and loving him so much it hurt.
"I will never let your father touch you again. He is no longer your father, Sehun."
Sehun blinked, his arms draped over his mommy’s shoulders.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do. I love yous more than anyone, or anything, in the entire world."
"Then why doesn’t it hurt me?"
Like Sehun’s mother does with most questions he asks, she cried at this one too.
"Because I love you for real."
Sehun blinked again.
"I love you for real too, mommy."
He thought he could hear Jongin calling him a pussy, but he cried anyways.
That night his mother came in to his bedroom to tuck him in. Sehun flinched at her touch, but soon softened when he remembered it was his mommy, and his mommy loved him for real, and wasn’t going to hurt him. She kissed his forehead, and pulled up his yellow sheets right to his neck. Then she flicked off the light and turned on the rainbow nightlight in the corner of the room. As she walked out, Sehun leaned over to where Jongin and Luhan were already sleeping on the floor.
"Goodnight, Luhan. Goodnight Jongin."
His mother froze at the door.
"What did you just say?"
Sehun froze in his bed.
"I said goodnight."
"To your deceased friend and removed step-brother?"
"No. To my imaginary friends."
Sehun’s mother cries a lot, a lot.
Sehun’s mother now asks about Luhan and Jongin. So does his therapist. His therapist asked him to describe the boy’s to him. Sehun said they beared no resemblance, other than names, to his deceased friend, and removed step-brother.
The real Luhan was his friend in grade one. He got hit by a car walking home from school one afternoon. Sehun thought he fell asleep in the middle of the road. Luhan had always said the nicest things.
The real Jongin was his step-brother from his mother’s first true marriage. He then moved away with his mom’s ex husband to Australia. Jongin had always teased him in the most affectionate way.
The imaginary Luhan was Sehun’s crush. Sehun like liked everything about him. The way his hair blew in the wind, his neon orange fedora he hasn’t lost yet, and his endless laughter. He always said the kindest things Sehun could think of.
The imaginary Jongin was Sehun’s enemy, sometimes. Sehun admired his tough outlook on the world, but was brought down by some of his words. He always teased Sehun, and said some of the most negative things Sehun could think of.
Sehun thinks Jongin might like Luhan too.
Maybe that’s why Jongin is bitter towards him on occasion. Jongin never teases Luhan.
Sehun’s therapist says that everything he told him was very interesting, and that if he ever wants to talk more about any of it, he just has to ask.
Sehun said ‘thank you’, he liked that very much.
His second day back at school he meets a foreign exchange student from China.
Luhan and Jongin aren’t with him today. They haven’t been with him in a long time. Sehun misses them a lot, and will sometimes write them letters, and send them to wherever the boys are. Sehun’s therapist says it’s for the best that they are gone. They were only weighing him down.
Sehun still like likes Luhan, and looks up to Jongin, while Jongin probably still looks down on him. He hopes Luhan still like likes him back. But maybe he like likes Jongin now. Sehun hopes that if that is true, that Jongin will make Luhan happy, and give him kisses on the cheek, and hold his hand underneath tree canopies. Sehun hopes that if all that is true, Jongin will like like Luhan back.
The exchange student’s name is Zhang Yixing. Sehun thinks he’s kind of cute in a kind of cute way. He sits with him at lunch and neither talk. He does that every day for a week, until the Monday of the next week, Yixing finally speaks up.
"I think you’re cute." He whispers.
Sehun leans in close. “Do you like boys?”
Yixing laughs. “Do you?”
"Yeah."
"I like you."
"You’re kind of cute too…I guess."
"Kind of?"
"A lot of kind of’s."
"Good enough." Yixing replies with a smile.
Sehun kisses him on the cheek. Later at recess, Yixing wears a blue baseball cap, and in secret, they hold hands beneath the trees.
Almost every other night, Sehun will star up at the stars and think about Luhan and Jongin. He hopes they are doing well. He hopes they are happy together, wherever they may be. He’s stopped writing letters to them, and started writing letters to Yixing.
There are three stars outside of his bedroom window that shine a little brighter than all the others. Sehun names them.
Luhan.
Jongin.
And Yixing.
The weeks roll by, and so do the months. Years pass too. Sehun’s sees his mother’s eyes begin to light up again, and her smile brighten along with them. She falls in love with a nice, and handsome lawyer named Yifan. Sehun hopes he will be a good dad. He hopes he doesn’t love him for fake.
The kisses Sehun shares with Yixing go from being on the cheek, to on the lips. Sometimes they have some extra spit and tongue too. One day, the like likes turn to loves.
"I love you." Yixing says one afternoon as they sit beneath a tree in the park, holding hands, connected by the hip. Sehun thinks he looks incredibly beautiful with his hair sideswept and the sun hitting his delicate cheekbones. Yixing looks more than kind of cute.
"I love you too." Sehun answers, leaning in for their fifth lip to lip kiss. "I love you for real."
Sehun doesn’t know where Luhan and Jongin are now, but he hopes that they are as happy as he is with Yixing.
"And love you for real?"
- wtf did i just write
- this is what being sad in new york does to you
- omg im so sorry if this was too triggering to anyone
- i made a warning
- and kept it undescriptive
- /dies/
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Sehun/Lay, Jongin/Luhan
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Angst, Childhood!AU
Length: 3982 w.
Warning(s): Non descriptive child abuse, gay slurs, physical bullying
Summary: Can I hold your hand underneath the trees? And love you for real?
Note: Reposted from my old lj account koreanitalics.
"Can I hold your hand underneath the trees?"
The wind picks up and blows Luhan’s hat right off his head.
Sehun laughs as Jongin chases after it, but gust has taking a liking to the blue baseball cap, and doesn’t feel like giving it back. Luhan pouts, and Jongin comforts him, apologizing profusely for not being able to catch it fast enough. Sehun promises him he’ll buy him another one in the next store they visit. This makes Luhan smile a bit. Jongin smiles too, and says he’ll pitch in a few dollars to help.
"Come on, Sehun. We’re going to be late!" His mother calls, one hand on her her own hat, the other holding her skirt down.
Sehun nods before grabbing both of his friends hands and tugging them along with him.
Luhan picks out a bright orange fedora from the hat store they stopped in. Jongin thinks it’s hideous, and tells Sehun, but Sehun thinks it suits Luhan. Jongin shrugs and follow the other two boys to the cashier.
"Sehun! Please stop straying so far away from me!" His mother shrieks when she turns around from looking at the scarves. She grabs Sehun’s arm and yanks him all the way to the cash. She buys herself a sequined blue scarf, and Sehun and Jongin pay for Luhan’s hat.
"Think of it as an early birthday gift." Jongin smiles.
"Do I still get another one when it’s my actual birthday?" Luhan asks.
"No."
Luhan’s lip begins to quiver, and Jongin changes his mind.
Sehun’s mother crouches in the living room of their apartment. Her bag is set on the carpet beside her, and she grabs Sehun’s arms. He feels her sharp, fake nails dig into his coat a little, and poke at his sensitive skin.
"You’re too young to run away from me so often." Her voice is soft, but serious.
"I’m sorry, mommy. I was just exploring."
"You’re only eight. You can explore when you’re older, for now, you have to stay close to my side when we go out." She pats his head, and stands up.
"Yes, mommy."
Sehun watches his mom go into her room. He follows after, feet shuffling against the carpet.
"When will daddy be home?" He whispers. His head peeks around the door frame.
His mother’s facial expression changes significantly, as she sheds her coat. She fluffs her long black hair and removes her very heavy looking silver necklace.
"Soon, Sehun." Her voice is almost a whisper this time. "Soon."
Sehun sits in the living room with Luhan and Jongin. Each of them has a bowl of popcorn in their lap, and Monsters Inc. plays on the little box of a tv in front of them. Luhan laughs at every part, whether it’s funny or not. Jongin punches his side each time he does so.
Luhan is chinese, and has bright blonde hair. He also really likes hats. Jongin is korean, just like Sehun. He really likes sweaters. He’s wearing a maroon one right now with a golden zipper. Sehun thinks he looks very handsome in it.
Luhan and Jongin could not be more opposite. Luhan is blond, and fair skinned. Jongin is a dark brunet, and his skin has a tanned glow. Luhan likes hats, and likes to laugh. Jongin likes hoodies, and uses sarcasm in every moment of his free time. Sehun loves them both equally though. They’re always kind to him, as he is kind to them. Unlike a lot of the othe people in his life.
The door clicks open a half an hour after midnight, and Sehun’s father comes in. Sehun’s movie finished at midnight exactly, and he’s snuggled in bed now. Luhan and Jongin sleep in sleeping bags on their floor. Their sleeping bags are in their favorite colors. Luhan’s is blue, and Jongin’s is red. Sehun’s sheets are yellow, because he likes yellow.
There is yelling coming from the living room. Sehun curls deeper underneath his sheets, pushing his head as far as it will go into his pillow so he doesn’t have to hear the noise. He wishes Luhan and Jongin would come onto his bed to help calm him down, but they’re fast asleep and can’t hear the shouting.
Sehun thinks he hears him mother crying.
The door to his bedroom opens and his father comes inside.
"Where’s my beautiful boy?"
His voice is deep. Goosebumps run wild up and down Sehun’s spine.
He’s crying now, as his father’s large hands meet his shoulders that he’s trying to hide beneath his sunshine yellow polka dot bedsheets.
“Sehun, wake up. You’ll be late for school.”
Sehun doesn’t feel so well. He climbs out of bed, and wakes up Luhan and Jongin ever so gently.
"It’s almost time for school." He tells them. "You better make your lunches and pack your backpacks."
Luhan and Jongin get up, and go do just that. Sehun leaves his room, still in his pajamas.
"I don’t want to go to school."
"But you have to, honey, it’s against the law not to."
"I can’t go to school, mommy."
"How come?"
Sehun bites his lip. “My bum hurts.”
His mother’s eyes well up with tears, as she walks over to him. She crouches again, and tentatively was her arms around for a hug. “I’ll go get you some cream.”
Sehun nods a small ‘thank you’, and thinks he hears his mom say a quiet ‘I’m sorry’, but he can’t be sure.
It doesn’t make a difference either way.
School starts early, and Sehun is tired. Jongin is a bit of a rebel, so he drinks coffee in the morning to stay awake like the teachers and other adults do. He offers some to Luhan, but Luhan doesn’t like the taste. He offers some to Sehun too, but he knows it’s not very good for him, and agrees with Luhan about the taste.
They walk to school together, dodging smelly pedestrians and selfish drivers. Luhan almost gets hit, but Jongin saves him just in time. Sehun leads them the rest of the way.
All three of them wear the uniform. A navy blue button up shirt with a navy blue blazer, and a pair a navy blue slacks with navy blue dress shoes, and navy blue tie.
"It’s a lot of navy blue." Sehun had remarked the first time they ever saw their required uniforms. As usual, Luhan had laughed, and Jongin had said ‘at least they aren’t pink’. And that time Luhan had said he liked pink a little bit, and Jongin had said that was gay. Sehun didn’t know what gay meant at the time. He thought it meant girly. According to some of the other boys at school, he was right.
Sehun, Luhan, and Jongin find their way to their hooks outside of their classroom, and hang up their colorful assortment of backpacks. Luhan’s is blue, and Jongin’s is red. Sehun’s is plaid, with some yellow and green because he likes those colors and his mother liked plaid. The backpack was also on sale at the back to school store.
After hanging up their things, and retrieving their books, pencil cases, and lunch boxes, the trio went to their classroom. The bell had not quite rung yet, so the room was pretty empty. Sehun took a seat at one of the tables. The surface in front of him had something sticky on it. Sehun didn’t want to know what it was. He put his pencil case in the desk, along with his flourescent yellow binder, and library book. It was called ‘Harry Potter and the Socerer’s Stone.’ Sehun really liked it. It was about a wizard who was a little older than him, but he didn’t know he was a wizard at first. There’s a lot of magic, which Sehun likes, and a lot of humor, which Luhan likes. Sehun suggested he read it after he was finished. He didn’t offer to Jongin, because Jongin doesn’t like to read.
Recess isn’t any fun. For some students, it’s their favorite part of the day. Luhan personally liked math the best. He said everything had a formula, and as long as you remembered that, you would do well. Jongin liked gym time. He liked playing basketball and soccer until his bangs plastered themselves to his forehead. Sehun didn’t like any subjects. He didn’t like school.
Today wasn’t a very good day. Sehun’s behind still stung a little, and Luhan offered to rub it for him, but Sehun politely declined. This time Jongin laughed.
"Fags." He said.
Sehun looked at his strangely. So did Luhan. A lot of the boys at his school called other boys ‘gay’ or a ‘fag’ if they did something a girl would usually do. No one ever called any of the girls a ‘fag’ if they did something a boy would usually do. Even though many of them wore pants as their uniform instead of the intended skirts. Sehun thought a skirt would be more comfortable, in the summer at least, than the dark slacks.
Two boys in the schoolyard were holding hands. One was blond, one was brunet. The blond had tanned skin, and the brunet was very pale. Sehun thought they looked like Luhan, and Jongin, but mismatched. The two boys looked like they were slightly older than him. They were also giggling over a joke one has told right into the other’s ear. Their hands laced together and they sat next to each other under a large tree with feathering leaves. Sehun thought they looked really happy. Luhan thought so too. Jongin thought they looked like ‘fags’.
"Faggots!" A boy far older than them, yelled across the yard. The blond one looked up. His eyes seemed a little scared, Sehun thought. The older boy had some friends, and his friends started yelling mean things at the blond and brunet holding hands. As the group got closer, the two boys stopped holding hands. As they group got even closer, they stood up. Their fists were readied, but they mustn’t have really been ready, because the blond went down with a bloody nose after one of the older kids threw a punch. It was chaos. Boys kicking and swearing and shouting and punching and slapping. Luhan started to cry. Jongin said he might throw up. Sehun didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. By the time he had gotten enough courage to even look at the incident straight on, the older boys had dispersed. The blond was clutching his nose, and the brunet looked unconscious.
"We have to help them." Luhan pleaded.
"They brought it upon themselves." Jongin stated like a fact.
Sehun didn’t know who was right.
The two boys never held hands in the schoolyard again.
When Sehun got home that night, his mother had made his favorite food for dinner. Macaroni and cheese, with extra cheese.
"Just how you like it." She said with a smile.
Sehun shuddered.
He ate his dinner at the kitchen counter. He didn’t make a single sound.
"Does love hurt?" Sehun asked after he had finished. There were still three noodles at the bottom of his bowl. They didn’t exactly count as noodles though, they were really smushed.
"Sometimes." Was his mother’s simple sounding answer.
Sehun drank his glass of milk, swallowing thickly.
"I want daddy to stop loving me. Or at least love me a little less. It hurts too much."
His mother was silent. Then his mother was crying.
"Can you ask him for me, please mommy?" Sehun looked up.
His mother’s crying only grew to heavy sobs.
Daddy’s love hurt a lot more tonight.
"Tomorrow, I want you to ask your fathers to come in and talk to us about their job." Miss Kay told them today. Her last name was too long to say, but it started with a k.
Sehun felt a little sick to his stomach. His bum felt sick still too. It hurt to sit on it.
One of the littler girls in his glass shot her hand up in the air. Miss Kay called on her.
"What if we don’t have a father?"
"Then your mother can come in."
"What if she doesn’t have a job?"
"Then bring an uncle, or an aunt. Anyone in your family who works for a living is welcome."
A few of the children released breaths of relief. Sehun didn’t know what his father did for a living. He didn’t think his mom had a job either.
Another kid’s hand rose tentatively in the air.
"Miss Kay?" His voice was shaky.
She nodded.
"What if we have two fathers? Can we bring both?"
That kid was picked up by his two dads early today. After he was beaten to a pulp in the yard, and called a ‘fag’.
Luhan kept skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk as they walked home. Jongin walked more in the street than on the sidewalk. Sehun used to sidewalk as it was meant to be used.
"Do you like boys?" Luhan asked Sehun. Jongin scowled.
"You two are boys. I like you two." He answered.
"But do you like like us?" Jongin spoke up.
Sehun bit his lip.
"Do you want to compliment us, or kiss us, or hold our hands in the schoolyard?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No."
"Fag."
Sehun felt tears still the back of his eyes. Jongin wandered to the other side of the street. Luhan’s hand brushed up against his own as he jumped over a crack. Sehun thought Luhan’s hand felt really nice and soft.
"What’s a faggot?"
Sehun thinks his mom cries a lot. She started crying again when he asked this question.
"It’s what some boys call other boys who like boys." She got out when she finished her tears. "It’s not a very nice word."
"Is liking boys bad?"
"Of course not. Some people think it is though."
Sehun gulped. “Okay, mommy.”
His daddy was a boy. Sehun was a boy.
His daddy loved him.
Therefore, his daddy was a faggot.
“Sehun, where is your father today?”
Sehun twiddled with his thumbs before answering. “He couldn’t come. He’s busy.”
"Do you want to come up here and tell us about what your dad does?"
Sehun stood up. His legs felt like jelly beneath him as he walked up to the front of the classroom.
He swallowed thickly before speaking.
"I don’t know what he does for a living. But when he comes home, he loves me."
Miss Kay cooed. So did a few other girls in the classroom. They werent heard very well over most of the snickers.
"What does he do to show you he loves you, Sehun?" Miss Kay prodded.
Sehun’s cheek flushed red. Miss Kay and a few of the other students looked on expectantly.
"He hurts my bum."
Sehun’s mother came to pick him, and Luhan and Jongin up from school that day.
A old woman wearing black and white, and carrying a large briefcase came to pick Sehun up from his apartment that day. His mother yelled at her, and cried again. Sehun hid in his bedroom with Luhan and Jongin.
"Everything will be okay." Luhan told him.
"You should have never told them what your daddy does." Jongin whispered.
Sehun began to cry. Jongin called him a pussy, but Luhan extended a hand.
"It’ll be okay." He said.
Sehun laced his fingers through Luhan’s, and Jongin called them both ‘fags’. But Sehun didn’t care. No one else was there to see.
Just before the lady dragged Sehun out the door, his friends wished him goodbye. They could not come with him. Luhan took an audible breath, and pressed a small kiss to Sehun’s cheek. It made him shiver. It was a pleasant shiver though. Jongin’s mouth opened to say something but instead all that came out was a grunt. Sehun looked at the dark eyed boy as he was tugged by the arm out the door. Moments before his feet crossed the line of the doorframe, Jongin leapt at him with a crushing hug.
"We’ll be right here when you come home." He whispered into Sehun’s hair before letting him go.
Sehun smiled at the two, and looked up at his mother.
"I’ll see you again soon, mommy."
And he did. The trial came sooner than any of them thought. Sehun say in the corner of the courtroom silently. His mom fought valiantly for his custody. Sehun felt his chest swell with admiration for her. He was going to make her something when he went to school again. For now, he was seeing a therapist for his sore rear and apparently ‘damaged childhood’.
His daddy was prosecuted for hurting his bum on multiple occasions. Hurting children’s behinds was illegal. Sehun agreed greatly with that. It wasn’t right to put that pain on someone, especially someone eight years old. As he nodded vigorously to every statement someone on his mother’s side said, he spotted Luhan and Jongin peeking up over some of the seats in the back. They spotted him too, and began waving. Sehun gave a little wave back. Luhan even blew him a kiss. Sehun shivered again. And again, it was a pleasant shiver.
That night he was allowed to go home with his mother. Luhan and Jongin must have left early because he didn’t see them anywhere in the building after the case had come to a close. He hugged his mommy for a very long time after they left the room. They didn’t talk much on the ride home, but they did hold hands in the back of the taxi. Sehun noticed that his mother’s hands weren’t nearly as soft as Luhan’s were.
When they got home, Sehun’s mother cried again. She held him close in the archway between the living room and the kitchen. She began apologizing nonstop for daddy hurting his bum, and loving him so much it hurt.
"I will never let your father touch you again. He is no longer your father, Sehun."
Sehun blinked, his arms draped over his mommy’s shoulders.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do. I love yous more than anyone, or anything, in the entire world."
"Then why doesn’t it hurt me?"
Like Sehun’s mother does with most questions he asks, she cried at this one too.
"Because I love you for real."
Sehun blinked again.
"I love you for real too, mommy."
He thought he could hear Jongin calling him a pussy, but he cried anyways.
That night his mother came in to his bedroom to tuck him in. Sehun flinched at her touch, but soon softened when he remembered it was his mommy, and his mommy loved him for real, and wasn’t going to hurt him. She kissed his forehead, and pulled up his yellow sheets right to his neck. Then she flicked off the light and turned on the rainbow nightlight in the corner of the room. As she walked out, Sehun leaned over to where Jongin and Luhan were already sleeping on the floor.
"Goodnight, Luhan. Goodnight Jongin."
His mother froze at the door.
"What did you just say?"
Sehun froze in his bed.
"I said goodnight."
"To your deceased friend and removed step-brother?"
"No. To my imaginary friends."
Sehun’s mother cries a lot, a lot.
Sehun’s mother now asks about Luhan and Jongin. So does his therapist. His therapist asked him to describe the boy’s to him. Sehun said they beared no resemblance, other than names, to his deceased friend, and removed step-brother.
The real Luhan was his friend in grade one. He got hit by a car walking home from school one afternoon. Sehun thought he fell asleep in the middle of the road. Luhan had always said the nicest things.
The real Jongin was his step-brother from his mother’s first true marriage. He then moved away with his mom’s ex husband to Australia. Jongin had always teased him in the most affectionate way.
The imaginary Luhan was Sehun’s crush. Sehun like liked everything about him. The way his hair blew in the wind, his neon orange fedora he hasn’t lost yet, and his endless laughter. He always said the kindest things Sehun could think of.
The imaginary Jongin was Sehun’s enemy, sometimes. Sehun admired his tough outlook on the world, but was brought down by some of his words. He always teased Sehun, and said some of the most negative things Sehun could think of.
Sehun thinks Jongin might like Luhan too.
Maybe that’s why Jongin is bitter towards him on occasion. Jongin never teases Luhan.
Sehun’s therapist says that everything he told him was very interesting, and that if he ever wants to talk more about any of it, he just has to ask.
Sehun said ‘thank you’, he liked that very much.
His second day back at school he meets a foreign exchange student from China.
Luhan and Jongin aren’t with him today. They haven’t been with him in a long time. Sehun misses them a lot, and will sometimes write them letters, and send them to wherever the boys are. Sehun’s therapist says it’s for the best that they are gone. They were only weighing him down.
Sehun still like likes Luhan, and looks up to Jongin, while Jongin probably still looks down on him. He hopes Luhan still like likes him back. But maybe he like likes Jongin now. Sehun hopes that if that is true, that Jongin will make Luhan happy, and give him kisses on the cheek, and hold his hand underneath tree canopies. Sehun hopes that if all that is true, Jongin will like like Luhan back.
The exchange student’s name is Zhang Yixing. Sehun thinks he’s kind of cute in a kind of cute way. He sits with him at lunch and neither talk. He does that every day for a week, until the Monday of the next week, Yixing finally speaks up.
"I think you’re cute." He whispers.
Sehun leans in close. “Do you like boys?”
Yixing laughs. “Do you?”
"Yeah."
"I like you."
"You’re kind of cute too…I guess."
"Kind of?"
"A lot of kind of’s."
"Good enough." Yixing replies with a smile.
Sehun kisses him on the cheek. Later at recess, Yixing wears a blue baseball cap, and in secret, they hold hands beneath the trees.
Almost every other night, Sehun will star up at the stars and think about Luhan and Jongin. He hopes they are doing well. He hopes they are happy together, wherever they may be. He’s stopped writing letters to them, and started writing letters to Yixing.
There are three stars outside of his bedroom window that shine a little brighter than all the others. Sehun names them.
Luhan.
Jongin.
And Yixing.
The weeks roll by, and so do the months. Years pass too. Sehun’s sees his mother’s eyes begin to light up again, and her smile brighten along with them. She falls in love with a nice, and handsome lawyer named Yifan. Sehun hopes he will be a good dad. He hopes he doesn’t love him for fake.
The kisses Sehun shares with Yixing go from being on the cheek, to on the lips. Sometimes they have some extra spit and tongue too. One day, the like likes turn to loves.
"I love you." Yixing says one afternoon as they sit beneath a tree in the park, holding hands, connected by the hip. Sehun thinks he looks incredibly beautiful with his hair sideswept and the sun hitting his delicate cheekbones. Yixing looks more than kind of cute.
"I love you too." Sehun answers, leaning in for their fifth lip to lip kiss. "I love you for real."
Sehun doesn’t know where Luhan and Jongin are now, but he hopes that they are as happy as he is with Yixing.
"And love you for real?"
- wtf did i just write
- this is what being sad in new york does to you
- omg im so sorry if this was too triggering to anyone
- i made a warning
- and kept it undescriptive
- /dies/