Mirage of Blaze Novel Volume 21 Chapter 4
Initially, I’d intended to just translate the first part of this chapter and provide the link for the second half (since it had been translated by someone else).
However, I’ve decided otherwise. There are some differences in the translation styles and interpretation of details. So here is my full translation for the whole chapter. Just for those who love MoB novel…
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The Cries of Prayers
Muto seemed to feel a sense of intimacy towards Takaya. He suggested eating dinner together. Hastily he set up his tent at the same place where Takaya’s tent was located. As Takaya did not reject him outright and was not as aloof as before, he assumed that Takaya had accepted his suggestion. So swiftly, he went fishing, in preparation for the night’s main course.
“I intend to barbecue them in salts.”
Takaya was sitting on a fallen tree log. He was shaving off some branch sticks with a knife, making them into inscribed sticks. While doing it, he observed Ushio. Ushio was about three to four years older than him. His defined slender chin was unshaven, with faint stubs of beard growing, looking rugged, indeed like a true-blue trekker - an optimistic jovial guy. Frostiness alone had little effect on him, Takaya figured.
As they were busy with the various little preparations, the weather cleared up. Darkness followed closely after the fleeting autumn dusk. And the bonfire illuminated the surroundings trees. As for dinner, it was the barbecued ayu (sweetfish) which Ushio caught. From across the burning fire mass, Ushio was intently watching Takaya whom was silently eating.
Other than his name, Takaya had not revealed anything about himself. He was completely enclosed in a shell, refusing anyone who approached him. It appeared that he had been camping alone for quite some time. Did he intend to carry on living like that? Ushio thought to himself.
(And, that eye of his…………)
“Isn’t the rice nicely cooked?”
Ushio happily asked for opinion.
“Hey, my specialty is rice. For rice, it tastes better when cooked in the outdoors than at home. It’s best that ayu be barbecued in salts. What have you been eating since?”
Takaya did not reply. But he seemed to relate well to outdoor-survival. Though he had bought some rice, but there was nothing else. In Iya, there were plenty of fishes and wild edible vegetation. Could he be living on wild plants? If indeed so, then it was truly a remarkable survival skill.
“You’re truly amazing! For me, I could only rely on pre-prepared camping stuff. My limit is about four to five days. Living and camping in the outdoors are indeed two different things.”
Ushio continued singing praises, and eventually Takaya responded with a soft “That’s nothing, really.”
“How did people of the old days survive when there were no tents and sleeping bags? Nowadays everything is so conveniently provided and our bodies and soul have turned weak. It’s not easy indeed !”
(A weird guy, spouting nonsense.)
Ushio found out that during a heavy downpour, Takaya took shelter in one of the houses located some distant from here. He sensed a ruggedness in Takaya, something not found in someone living in the city.
“…..hey, since when have you been living a nomadic life ?”
Takaya who was biting into the fish’s stomach, stopped in the midst.
“There must be a reason for hiding in this thick forest ! Don’t tell me you’re indeed a murderer ?”
Takaya remained silent, but resumed chewing the bitter fish’s stomach. Ushio concluded that if Takaya had not murdered anybody, he should have done something of that degree. But there was something unusual.
(A fraught body)
Too much stress and misery, henceforth the accumulation of spirits in the body. Negative energy attracts negative spirits. Fortunately, Ushio was sturdy enough. A person with delicate senses would not be able to withstand it
“…….errr…..do you feel better in my presence? It seems that I’m hated by the wandering souls. They are totally avoiding me. They have all but, gone.”
The spirits which were attached to Takaya had dispersed into an orbiting mass, at a far distance away from them.
“Since I’ve no place to stay, I’ll stay here then. Though I’m no mosquito-repellent, but my presence should serve as a good soul-repellent.”
“No! “
The sudden outright rejection was unexpected. It startled Ushio momentarily. With big rounded eyes, he stared at Takaya.
“I’m not joking. I can’t be with you. Please make yourself scarce by tomorrow.”
“………very obviously, I’m being disliked.”
With pitiful eyes, Ushio looked at Takaya.
“But again, I’m free to camp at where ever I like. I’m here, in Iya to regain my memories. As for tomorrow, I’ll do whatever I like! ”
“I’m serious. If you don’t leave, I will.”
“Hello there ! I’m just trying to befriend a fellow homeless guy!”
Ushio completely did not detect anything amiss.
He got up, stepped across and over the fire. Moving in progressively, and watching intently at Takaya, expecting a reaction. But Takaya refused to look at him. Flabbergasted, he blurted.
“Why must you shun people to such at extent ?”
Takaya continued staring at the feet. No reaction.
“No doubt that Iya is a good place, but it’s not an ideal place for a wanted person like you. If you continue hiding in such a deserted deep forest, your heart and soul will be completely closed up in no time. And you’ll suffocate.”
There was still no expression. In the depth of Takaya’s pupil, it was just a void. Was this the expression of a forlorn human being lost in self-abandonment? The lifeless face continued gazing at the ground. Ushio decided that he could not leave him alone.
“You there. Why not go to the beach? The sea of Kouchi is very scenic. You can see the Pacific Ocean from Katsurahama (ie Katsura beach). You’ll feel great as your heart open up, like the gentle waves of the sea opening up to the vast ocean. You can even see whales swimming around Cape Ashizuri.”
But, the words did not seem to reach Takaya.
“Winter is approaching soon. Do you really want to spend your winter here?”
“If it is just for survival……..”
Finally, in a soft voice, Takaya mumbled to himself.
“It’ll be good to fly to faraway place.”
(What ?)
“To live a life of loneliness, not seeing anyone. Just any small place that can accommodate my existence ……….”
In the wide-open natural world, at some corners of some spacious places, somewhere, there should exist a number of such places.
Ushio was taken aback by the Takaya’s words. It was the first time hearing Takaya speaking from his heart.
It was possible to leave this small crowded island at any point of time. The amount of human emotions and desires accumulated throughout his living years, were suffocating this tiny island, clogging up everything. The island was stifled with human crowd. There was no place he could hide in this big yet crowded place. Even within the deep forest, he could not hide his existence. The world is a vast open space. He should be able to find a place which could accept the poisonous body of his, a place which could accept him unreservedly.
And yet, he could not find it.
If he would to continue to remain in this tiny island, he would……..
After uttering his thoughts, Takaya was once again, silent. Was it that he did not wish to continue further? Or, simply that he could not articulate anymore?
“……..don’t be obstinate, circling about in a blind alley.”
Ushio tried to reason.
“There will be a day where you’ll overcome those obstacles. So, please don’t be stubborn, you’re still young, right ?”
(This man……)
A strong presence, thought Takaya. It was this man who expelled off the spirits drawn in by Kihachi’s onnen, a strong powerful energy within his body, and henceforth, the spirits could not go near him.
(Is he really unaware of it ?)
Takaya could see the real form of Ushio. This man was………
(A possessor.)
Unmistakable.
The spiritual fog created by Takaya was meant to be a barrier to seal himself up from the human world. But it was useless in holding back Ushio. This was a proof of his power. The spiritual scar -- an affirmation too. He was definitely a possessor.
Yes, he seemed clueless, completely forgotten an important part of himself. But again, such incidents did occur during the repossessing process, though infrequently. The end result was memory loss.
(….Probably for his guy, something happened during the repossessing process making him not remembering…)
He was not a foetus-possessor. Generally, a possessor would take on the body of someone similar to his previous body age, making it more recognizable. Notably, the emotions of the previous body, known as spiritual scar, would be carried over to the new body. As time passed on, such spiritual scar deepened, and the spirits became easily distinguishable - that’s the case on Muto Ushio.
It would be a very thorny issue if this was related to the “Warring Underworld”. Suddenly, Takaya was awoken to such a possibility.
(Probably it doesn’t make any difference now even if I’m with the Vengeful Resentful Warrior #)
Takaya was a little surprised. While still contemplating on ignoring him, he decided to let him stay on for the night.
“I’ll die of boredom if I’m alone all the time. Your name is Ougi, right? I really would like to have someone to talk to. So, please let me stay on for a while.”
Swiftly, Ushio made the decision though Takaya hadn’t agreed to it. Before the memories loss, did this man ever ponder on issue of possession, such as “a body not belonging to his own”? Takaya wondered.
“You must have been taking only quick showers all this while, right? Well tomorrow, let me talk to one of those hotels that I know, to provide you a proper bath. If you dip into one of those piping hot baths, your body and mind will relax, and probably be able to think though things objectively.”
Takaya shut his ears. The shadows of the forest were dancing about, syncrhonising with the flames of the bonfire.
***
He had got used to loneliness, and had almost forgotten how to carry out a conversation. Indeed, it had been a while since he last used words to converse with another human being.
Ushio was probably tired after a day of trekking. Immediately after dinner, he retired into his tent, and was now soundly asleep. Despite having just met Takaya and had assumed that Takaya was a wanted murderer, and yet he could continue sleeping without reservation. Such a careless man.
They did not have to worry about rain, as their tents had been covered with an additional layer of oily fibre. It was a clear night. Right at the top of the trees, the moon had appeared.
With the help of the moonlight, Takaya headed towards the marshland. Unexpectedly, the night was not as dark. It would have been more beautiful with the moon around. The forest was softly illuminated by the gentle moonlight as the shadows of trees continued extending on. Glittering about was the moving water in the marshland.
Alone once more. At least he could have some peace now. But gloominess overtook reminiscence. He knew that solitude had always suited his personality. And, lying before him was a life of continued isolation. Only now was he aware of the tremendous effort required to communicate with another fellow human being, the effort of building fences. He was tired. Tired of futile words. Weren’t there words that can inject some energy? It was his exhausted body. The sick body of his could not even allow subtle words to be uttered.
Being alone, he did not have to argue any further and only then, his innermost feelings could quieten down. There was no point arguing with oneself.
Perhaps he wanted to lead such a life. Each and everyday, he could just focus on “survival”. Takaya thought to himself.
There was sound of running water.
Something that could possibly mend his emotional wounds. Facing the moon and receiving the moonlight the way he would receive the gentle beatings of the rain, Takaya closed his eyes.
(How many months have it passed since then ……..?)
Like a wild dog, hiding himself from the human crowd as he wandered on.
Despite having his evil eye covered under an eye-patch, he would cause many people to feel unwell just by walking past them. If he would to talk to any of them, they would lose consciousness immediately.
It appeared that just by sighting his form alone would result in discomfort. Smiles disappeared from their faces the moment he passed by them. If he got a little closer, they turned sick. Even at times when he had to stop to ask for directions, it ended up causing them to throw out. And all he could do was, to helplessly move away, without a word of concern.
He had been covering his face - hiding his eyes - with a hat. This was to avoid eye-contact. It frightened him tremendously to meet the eyes of anyone. He had resorted to walking close to the wall and sleeping in card boxes. Soon, the people he met began to avoid him, not because of his poison, but of his filthy appearance. He wandered about the streets in empty stomach, scavenging on the leftovers of eateries. Such pitiful state affected his mental well-being.
He stole the things that he needed. Clothes, tents and all his camping stuff were stolen items. In the face of survival, both pride and self-respect took a backseat. There was no place for him in such a crowd. The day where he was to collapse and die on a street was closing in, but yet his body kept pushing him to live on. If his soul managed to survive despite his body passing on, his spirit was likely to become deficient and incomplete. If he would to hide himself, his body would exaggerate his own existence.
Takaya laughed at the stubbornness of life.
Pursued by an invisible force, tracing his way, he finally arrived at the base of Tsurugi-hama (Mount Tsurugi). It was a spiritual mountain, towering its surroundings and located right in the east central part, ranking second only after the holy Ishizuchi-yama (Mount Ishizuchi).
Shikoku was the hometown of Koubou-daishi, the hometown of Kuukai. There were eighty-eight places akin to spiritual grounds under its directives. The island itself was a sacred place, the relic of Koubou-daishi. To the followers of Koubou-daishi, this was a special place. To Takaya, it was no exception. The largest of the eighty-eight places formed into a gigantic boundary, linking up all the eighty-eight places. Within the island, there were many spiritual energy sources relating to Kuukai. The two supporting points were at Tsurugi-hama and Ishizuchi-yama. The force was strongest at the base of mountains, the core of the supporting points. Takaya believed that if he could immerse himself into such a place, a sacred place protected since one-thousand-two-hundred years ago, it could dilute the curse of Kihachi’s onnen.
By the time he arrived, he was as filthy as an animal. With his rucksack, and a glimmering left eye, he must have looked terrifying to the villagers.
There was less opportunity of him to interact with people in a mountainous village. Enacting a spiritual fog to segregate himself, he could now hide and be of no harm to anyone.
Finally, he found a place that he could live, a place where he could be free from the crowd. Deeply he took a breath.
(This is exactly like the legendary ghost.)
In the legend, the ghost that fed on human beings, but subsequently grew sick of killing, and retreated into the deep mountains.
(Probably is better off being a ghost.)
Compared to his wandering days in the streets, the months spent in the mountains brought tranquility to his soul. His senses were also greatly sharpened, just like a wild animal.
As he gazed upwards, he noticed that moon was fluttering about lightly above him.
The gentle sound of the running water, the trees, the wind, and sky above him. Silently, they were soothing Takaya. To a human, surviving alone was a cruel thing. But to a dangerous animal which had no place to hide, it was a place to reside. If it did not harm anyone, it could be tolerated.
Ushio was a trespasser, intruding into his territory. He had therefore, like an animal, bared his teeth at him. Was this proof that he was transforming into an animal? This certainly had nothing to do with protecting Ushio.
If this would to continue, it’s inevitable to turn into a real animal.
The body would want to continue surviving despite being contaminated. Having a body is analogous to having a life; one would not allow oneself to die. This explains why animals do not commit suicide.
(He is harmful.)
An animal would not consider this, right?
Takaya felt a sense of release from the worldly agonies. He began to synchronize with the poison in him; getting close to the Kihachi’s curse; like boiling lava emerging out of his body, and swallowed up by the huge waves. For several nights, he was completely drenched in perspiration, unable to sleep. The poison had not only contaminated his blood and body, but every single cell of him. He was like a radioactive object.
It would be good if it could be swapped into a new body.
In that small little room.
Demanding and yearning madly, in all irrationalities --
The days that were repeatedly immersed in lust.
Soon he began to realize that his poison was being soaked up by that man.
With his left eye firmly pressed onto the bedsheet, he thought to himself,
---- By doing this, can you really release me?
He………
Frowning, with sadness in his eyes, that man only gazed at him. No reply - a long silence. Forcing yourself? As the resonance of the curse had bound too tightly with the spirit, it was unclear if one could escape by abandoning the body. It was possible that despite re-possession, the next body could still be contaminated. The man told him.
---- Does that mean…..the only option is ….exorcizing?
Naoe did not reply. There was only despair in his expression. Henceforth, Takaya no longer ask about it.
(Only this, there is no solution.)
Nothing seemed to work. Time could not resolve it. And there was no courage to solve it.
Only to let the body live on……
A smile appeared on his face.
There was no reason for him to continue living. He had lost it all, the moment he left the little white room. It had nothing to do with inertia. He only handed over the reins to his survival instinct. In this way, he felt better.
He had lived on, not for himself. It was just a nameless animal that eats, sleeps, seeks body warmth, excretes, continues looking for food and repeating the cycle all over. A brainless way of life. A human being that survives without a reason is just like an animal.
#####
Alone with himself, he sat on the rock, gazing at the moon.
He swallowed hard.
The moonlight was not ideal.
He shuddered lightly…..as that unique ache rose from his pelvis, spreading upwards, climbing onto his back.
Closing his eyes, Takaya lifted his face to the sky. He continued swallowing, licking his hot dry lips.
The profuse moon rays raining down on him were akin to the gaze of that man. Gently, clearly, and profoundly…….and …
Sensing his whole body submersed in that gaze, he trembled involuntarily.
(Again ….. ?)
The untamed urge rushed upwards once more.
It was like an unguarded animal just awoken from the sleep. His throat was dry and his body was hot. The pelvis ached. And at the core, a fire was ignited. The serpent raised its head. It was different from the sexual urges of his youth. It was much more intense, much more alive.
(Why….?)
A drug withdrawal symptom. He could give in and indulge himself throughout the night. Between his inner thighs, tightly it continued extending on, as the hot numbness raced along his arms and legs. He was at a loss as the ache continuously gnawed at him. Restlessly his hip swayed, and could not be pacified unless it’s being embraced. The urges were on par with the needs for food, sleep and excretion. Something that was completely natural and taken for granted. Protesting and crying, as the need was not satisfied.
As he gave in to the rushing desires, his fingers started to move.
If one turned into an animal, all sexual desires would be exposed.
And he knew, he had grossly miscalculated his move.
****
Ever since that day, there was a man nesting within his body.
Vividly, he felt his presence. The rhythm of the man’s breath, the depth of such senses, it was so strong that it almost silenced the curse within him.
That man’s sperm was as per description, the “offsprings of the spirit”. They were entering him from both ends, above and below, almost over spilling. There ought to be a reason, Takaya thought.
(It will be strange if this is not so.)
Their mutual sex urges did not end in the midst of the unusual pleasure that they shared. It was neither as complex as love nor as simple as the fulfillment of common sexual urges. It was more violent, more primitive, a deep mutual indulgence. It frightened him as he recalled the way their arms and legs were entwining with each other; tightly and never once letting go of each other. So closely was their entanglement that it was at murderous heights. At least, this was the case to Takaya.
The sperm released by his soul was like a deadly virus. The “Naoe” residing in his body was vividly alive, reeking with a strange smell, yearning after Takaya right from within, and using the hands of Takaya, continuously violating Takaya, over and over again.
A frightening man. Who was the one being bound?
(It is not the same place……….)
Leaving aside his heart and mind, his body hungered endlessly for that man. The state of his deep cravings was beyond shock. It nauseated him. One could not help but to accord respect to human delusion that could attain such heights. However, as the signs of urges began, there was no way to reverse it. Promiscuously and lewdly he kept violating himself. Masturbation was not something to be highly-regarded. And intense masturbation was in fact, self-sex. It had neither awareness nor rationality. Regardless, he had to appease it.
Before the stars found him out, he headed for the spider’s den. The person who undressed him was not himself, but the familiar hands of that man. It was the same pair of hands that were stroking his inner thighs, fondling him and spreading his knees apart. Continuously stimulating him, making him ejaculate and then holding on to his sperms.
(….Can’t do this……tonight….)
The sound of alarm kept ringing in his head. It was the warning bells of rationality. If he would to continue further, as he usually did, he would reek of the lingering smell of sex -- the rancid smell of stale semen glued to his body. Ushio would notice…. But as he got more aroused, such concerns ceased to matter. Nobody would chasten him for his foolishness. Silently watching on were the moon, the trees and the rocks.
Desperately moaning.
With legs trembling uncontrollably, hands and knees on a rock, he thrust his pelvis high up. Close to his ears, he could hear the voice of that man, as his hands stroked on his fiercely swelling genitals.
The moon rays that bathed his naked body were like the gaze of the man. He rubbed his cheek against the rock surface. With his fingers, he began to simulate the sucking action of the man. When he was no longer able to tolerate it further, he lifted his head and spread his legs apart. At this moment, he seemed to see the face of that man. Using his right hand, he pulled his inner thighs wide-open. And with his knuckles, he clutched on the tip of his genitals, just like the lips of that man holding onto his bulging organ in his mouth. He loved the way they gazed at each other in this position - Takaya, in panting breaths and half-open dreamy eyes would glance downwards, and Naoe in an intent bestial gaze, would stare upwards.
(You….are the worst)
The agile movement of the tongue, the softness of the lips, the way he sucked ……… vividly he reminisced. Unable to take it anymore --Takaya shut his eyes tightly. Repeatedly he was being embraced and rubbed against. He extended his fingers to the tip of his organ, and continuously squeezing and fondling at his core. The swollen throbbing organ was like the root of tree, rearing its head up unaided, like a serpent to the moon.
--- XX……, XXXX
Hallucination was urging Takaya on. Shutting his eyes tightly as his face was flushed red with shame. As if in reflex, he shook his head repeatedly, disheveling his hair.
(Worse….than a beast)
His untamed desires were only directed at that man; the raging excitement of male, and the quivering confusion of the female. He felt good. Somehow, his senses seemed strange. Using his finger tips, he kneaded his nipples. His consciousness was falling. His lips were yearning for the erotic kiss of that man. The diseased mind of his, repeatedly replayed the obscene words uttered to him. The already damp organ was trembling and moving about at his tip, as it was sweetly nipped about by the row of front white teeth, and licked on like ice-candy by those lips.
(Again……A little more ……)
Everything was vividly playing before him -- noisily licking at the droopy fruits of his genitals, kneading and loosening those stubborn fingers that were difficult to be placed in the mouth. The sticky fluid had had been pulled into fine viscous threads, dripping with bodily warmth. That fishy smell. All these - the man was devouring and never once, had the man averted his eyes. As he focused on Takaya’s evil eye, he reproached his obstinacy - obviously playing with death -- continuing mating with a sickle of the death at his throat. Henceforth, there was significance to all these. The head of hair lying on his chest….the fingertips….the perspiration. The feeling of the body being fully and tightly embraced, strongly and firmly, the suppleness of the muscles……..
---- I love you….
(Never before have I wholly…..)
With brows knitted tightly, Takaya lifted his hips upwards, shifting and swirling about in mad intensity.
(You’ve invaded me like a curse)
“Melting…………..”
For countless times while pinned under the man’s body, he had uttered delirious words. And yet now and again, he was muttering feverishly as he swayed his pelvis about violently.
“It’s coming out……the white stuff…..coming…”
His hands turned restless as his voice edged higher. The rubbing action synchronized with the rhythm of his breathing. Intoxicated, he rapidly increased the intensity and the force, and in an instant ascended into a climax. But, it had not ended. This was not enough. He desired after the real person. It was neither delusion nor illusion, but a real person, and his body and flesh. He wanted a more intense force.
(Let the real him free me, please……….)
His body continued shuddering uncontrollably and finally in a hoarse voice, and in one full burst, he spurted and released. Immersed in the state of reverberation and excess liberation, Takaya was fully exhausted and collapsed. Slowly, he held up the ejaculated sperms that was still dripping from his palm, and licked it --- just like Naoe did that day.
The raw taste of a beast.
And Naoe had been tasting such very stuff.
It did not seem to be a part of him, as the thing below was incessantly hardening up once more. Like a blackhole, the marshland was opening its mouth wide-open. A victim of evil intoxication -- an insatiable appetite for sex. He just could not appease it no matter how hard he tried to soothe it. It was worse than before he started. He was at a loss.
The existence of the man-- his body-- was parallel to the male sex organ.
Filling up every inch of emptiness in him.
Seeking after his body in such heated intensity.
And in moments of tormented pleasures, he could not recognize himself.
That man, during the intercourse with a woman, -- the sensation of having the soul gently wrapped, the feel of the inner core bodily warmth, - did he experience it within Takaya’s body too?
While inside him, did he sense that his dignity was embracing him? Excitement raced through his whole body as he thought of it. The tips of his fingers were burning hot. He desired the man’s body. He wanted that hard burning mass. He could recall its texture, thickness and hardness -- the results of being penetrated too many times. Deeply ingrained in his mind were the colours and shapes of both of theirs, the sensitive zones, the pleasurable points that he could cause him to lose consciousness, the feeling of the prostrate being stimulated, and the receptive inner part that would suddenly ascend to a climax upon being thrust at. He was now aware that a man’s body could be aroused and pleasured from within.
It was like a mass of angry ants burrowing into him, swiftly and rapidly, shoving at a speed that outstrip any rhythm, filling him up. Only that very existence could achieve it. Nobody else could. Everyone would give up. Even at times when he wanted to let go, that man would hurriedly leap in - outpacing the gliding grains sands in his heart-- offering him, his love, hate, pain, misery, prayers and everything.
And therefore he clung on. As long as he had not been pierced beyond its limits, he would desperately grasp his arms tightly around him. Though he was being continuously thrust at, it only made him hunger for more. A voracious appetite. The black hole at the base of his body was crying out and begging for more..,.., more….and more. Feverishly, it was pleading aloud. The rhythm that his hips was after - the pace, the depth and the unbearable love that nearly killed him - was filling him up. Every part of him was filled to the brim by that man. Harshly he reprimanded the beloved body of that man, that shape, that feeling and that strong vigorous ………soul of his.
---- More…fill it up…all of it…..
“Thrust it in…..a little…….further in……”
---- Deeper………!
“Not enough ! It’s no where near enough !”
It was not filled up. It could not be satisfied. He was going mad.
“Ah…..Ah….Ahhhhhhh…….!”
In a spilt second as he caught a glimpse of the sky, his consciousness blanked-out…… And with a heart-wrenching cry, he bellowed out a prayer.
(…..Can’t take it anymore….)
When he came round, he was weeping. No, he was not as there was no tears. He was trembling and sobbing uncontrollably within his throat; the conjured “inner self and outer body” were fiercely blaming each other for immersing in self-existence and thereby self-indulgences. He was now aware of such intolerable emptiness within his body. Why was that thing inside his body ? And why did he so desperately want to be filled up by that thing?
(Why didn’t you penetrate me ….?)
Why had it become……so painful ?
Enclosing in an illusion. The truth was that he would never again be “filled up” or satisfied.
There was only darkness before his eyes……….
As everything came to a close, recovery began from his lips……
After the first intercourse ended, Naoe scooped up the fluid with his fingers - It’s a mixture of the virgin blood of Takaya and the semen of Naoe. Gently he brought it to Takaya’s lips and let him suck it. This was their oath, the holy water, he said. As a declaration, he too, sucked it. It had a raw metallic taste and the odour of a beast, an erotic fusion of their madness, a holy fluid.
(And now……the soul is probably gone………)
It was an empty shell.
It was a vacant empty shell.
(…..and I have to submit to such an empty shell?.....)
Unwittingly, it was reduced to dust.
The hallucinated body, a delusion.
As the last bit of strength left his stiffened limps, he slumped to the ground, facing the night sky. From his burning back, he felt the cold surface of the rock. The moonlight was beaming at the chest that was soaked with perspiration. Through the hard coldness of the rock, he was brought back to reality.
(Fool.)
The starving ghoul of sex. The decadence of an overly primitive animal-like lust. Despite climaxing several times, yet he was not satisfied. This was a plot laid out for him, the moment he bid goodbye, severing his ties with that man. Something that he must accept and endure. It was his decision and who was he to complain about? He pitied himself for not even having the courage to wait.
(No, it’s not that…………..)
It was different……from regrets.
The delusion was the result of the clarity, of the impossibility that it would not occur the second time.
Everything ought to be fine now. He would not think of it any more. It would be alright as long as he ignored the sexual desires of that harmful beast.
As for the soul, it was already been consumed on that day. What that was remained, was a hollow shell extending its thoughts. It was the body that was yearning after that man, resulting in the consciousness that continued to cling on to Naoe, and falling into an abyss.
(Is it really just a living piece of flesh ?)
When he recovered, the naked body of his was already completely exposed. He had indeed turned into a beast.
(Smiling at him…….)
The moon was the only companion that he had been conversing with. Nothing to hide. An unsalvageable beast.
Why was he in such a place?
Why was he still breathing?
It was enough. It was pointless thinking any further…. Why was he here ? Why?
To Takaya now, there was no answer.
Echoing on, was the sound of running water. Serenity surrounded the whole mountain plains. Were the fishes sleeping soundly under the shadows of the rocks, under the moonlight? The moonlight was creating beautiful irregular shadow forms thorugh the branches of trees. There were face features of deities and Buddha. The nocturnal animals seemed to be afraid of Takaya, keeping a safe distance from him. Were they looking at him? He could see their eyes gleaming in the darkness.
Takaya sat on the rock surface, but he couldn’t feel the chill of the night.
Listening to his own pounding heart, he closed his eyes. Was Iya the final destination for the despondent wanderers? Its inner forest was like the womb of a mother, taking in all the fallen ones. Therefore, Takaya was like a foetus curling up into a sitting position, holding on to his naked body……… resembling the weariness of an aged person.
(It will be good to just transform into a fossil.)
If he would to fall into a one-thousand-year slumber here, could he turn into a stone ?
The moon was high up at the fringe of the mountain top when Takaya returned to his tent. He could hear the slumbering breaths of Ushio under the artificial yellow bulb. The trespasser, unaware of Takaya’s emotions, was soundly asleep.
The breathing sound of another person soothed his troubled heart, but at the same time, brought on loneliness.
The wind seemed to have purified the lingering smell of sex from his body.
That night, he did not enter his tent.
As he continued sensing the presence of Ushio, he hugged his knees tightly, gazing at the distant mountain where the moon had disappeared.
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Footnote:
#### indicates the section where a parallel but different translation by Ayatsujik can be found elsewhere. But what’s here, is my version. There are differences in translation styles and interpretation of details.
* There is a section with XX, XXXX. This is what appeared in the Chinese translated text. It could either be too explicit, or just some incomprehensible phrase, and thereby not translated by the original translator. I noticed it appeared in Ayatsujik’s version too, so properly we used the same source.
# 怨将- Vengeful Resentful Warrior. Previously, I’ve translated as General#. After some consultation with a Jap friend, I’ve decided to use this term “Vengeful Resentful Warrior”. This actually refers to spiritually resurrected warriors, of the Edo Period in MoB, the怨 simply implies resentment. (Updated 14 Dec 09)
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A little extra effort had been given to this chapter…...hope i got the main essence of the novel across… ^_*
Anyway, a few thoughts:
(1) Ushio is still so adorable here. He actually set up his tent right beside Takaya. Being a few years older than Takaya, he self-assumes the responsibility of an older brother and the need to “take care” of this “off-course” Takaya. Though it always ends up the other way later…
(2) Poor Takaya. I didn’t know he went through such hardship. Prior to this, I only knew that he was hiding in the mountain after he left Naoe. But sleeping in card boxes and scavenging for food like a stray dog, all dirty and shunned (before subsequently arriving at Mount Tsurugi)? Oh….. mine….. both he and Naoe have suffered equally, just separately.There, in chapter 2, makes us want to console Naoe,. Here we want hug Takaya…
(3) The chapter gives us more insights into the details of that night in the villa of Vol 20 -- Naoe’s overflowing passion………………
I think I’m starting to have hallucination too. Guess, I’ve been spending too much time on this…
Break time …...I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off from working on MoB translations -- tonnes of real-life work and project-deadlines inching closer, so got to concentrate on those for the time being. I’ll work on the remaining 3 chapters of this volume later. Again, feel free to comment.