I regret I never loved you.
A lovely coda!letter to teh_helenables fic, here. Balth/Crowely, PG, Charactar Death
My darling abomination,
If you are reading this at all, it is rather likely I am either dead or dying; if it is the latter, do abandon this and come see me, you can finish it later if you like, if it is the former then I only ask that you read this and put it aside, in your mind and your heart, it is no longer important. Of course, forgetting me is no easy task, I am quite one of a kind, so I by no means expect you to never think of me (no one could manage that) - but if you must, do it sparingly.
In any case, by this sentence I no longer exist, so I shall do my best not to waste your time. I have missed you. Rather embarrassingly terribly so, I’m afraid, even my impeccable wit has suffered because of it, and Cassy just gives me long suffering sighs at my weak attempts at humor, though he, of all people, understands, I am sure. I expect you have missed me as well, though I do not count on it, it isn’t in our natures after all - a demon missing an angel, though I must say, I suspect that you have - by the frequency in which you are mentioned in the ape’s letters. (I must confess, I have allowed myself to wish, only on the briefest of occasions, when things have taken a turn for the the worst, that perhaps you would send a note as well. It is a silly thing, of course, a panicked wish amongst chaos. I neither expected you to do so nor was shocked when you did not.)
I will also confess that I have... had (you will forgive my tensing) no belief I will survive this war or tomorrow's battle. We are severely outnumbered and even more outmatched, but I take heart that Cassy and Gabe are here with me and that at least, they will be at my side, should anything happen. Though I will also add, if it comes down to them or me, I will have to allow them to survive in my place. Heaven needs Gabriel and on Earth, many, many more need Cassy - whom I also, do not believe I could survive without if I were to lose him, and I...well I only have you. I hope you will not begrudge me this, because you do matter ever so much to me, but regretfully even I must admit there are bigger things to consider then myself.
Despite this understanding, I have several regrets, and it is rather selfish of me to pile them all on you, but as I am dead, I trust you will be able to forgive me in time. If you would prefer not to read them, as they are emotional and blunt, and I know how you like your stoic riddles, I understand that as well. Firstly, I regret that we have met. Not for my end, because knowing that perhaps one day the war might end and there would be someone there to greet me is, of all the things, the greatest comfort I could have imagined. But for you, I am sorry. You shouldn’t have had to wait years, you shouldn’t have to deal with this mess now. This shouldn’t all fall on you. I apologize for that. (If you should ever feel the need to speak with anyone, though I doubt you will, Cassy will be more than happy to listen. Do at least tell him again that I love him and that I’m sorry, Gabe as well). Secondly, I regret that we never kissed*. This perhaps seems to belie my first regret, but as a dead angel, I do not have to make sense, that is my right. But I do, I regret that. I considered it a little before the end, but I already knew I would have to leave at that point, and it seemed an unnecessarily cruel thing to do, so I refrained. But I have thought about it - too many times to count. (*This regret comes asterisked, because there are a great many things other than kissing I regret we did not get to do. But Cassy thinks detailing them here, in a letter expressing my feelings and farewell, would be crass, so I shall humor him, and leave them up to your imaginations, if you so choose.) Lastly, I regret I never loved you. I wish more than anything, that I could have. No, I know that I could have and I am sorry, that at this very moment, I have nothing but the strongest of fond affections and deep longings for you; if I could dispel any one of these regrets, this one would be it. Know only that with the proper time, there is little doubt in my mind I would have fallen quickly and easily, that I almost love you as much as one can almost love another. And this thought, that I might have loved you, under different circumstances, haunts me endlessly. I know that you are a demon and that to love is a foreign idea to your kind, but I hope that in your mind, you too could see a love for me somewhere. That perhaps in a realm that is not this one, you and I have found our way, and are on some far tropical island, sipping champagne in the sun, entwined in each other’s arms. The thought gives me warmth and hope.
I don’t know what happens when an angel, or a demon who is no longer a demon by nature, a demon who has redeemed himself in any and every way possible, in all our minds, dies. But perhaps, some day, a very long time from now, perhaps eternities will have passed, we will meet again. I look forward to that day from wherever I am, (I refuse to believe that angels simply disappear, or that all demons are condemned to hell), and I will long for it no matter how many minutes tick by. Time is a human concern and fortunately, we are not human in any way shape or form.
I think, reluctantly, I shall stop writing here, though I could continue on, and simply say again, that I have missed you terribly and that under no circumstances should you miss me beyond this moment. It would be a terrible waste of you.
Yours, always yours,
Balthazar
My darling abomination,
If you are reading this at all, it is rather likely I am either dead or dying; if it is the latter, do abandon this and come see me, you can finish it later if you like, if it is the former then I only ask that you read this and put it aside, in your mind and your heart, it is no longer important. Of course, forgetting me is no easy task, I am quite one of a kind, so I by no means expect you to never think of me (no one could manage that) - but if you must, do it sparingly.
In any case, by this sentence I no longer exist, so I shall do my best not to waste your time. I have missed you. Rather embarrassingly terribly so, I’m afraid, even my impeccable wit has suffered because of it, and Cassy just gives me long suffering sighs at my weak attempts at humor, though he, of all people, understands, I am sure. I expect you have missed me as well, though I do not count on it, it isn’t in our natures after all - a demon missing an angel, though I must say, I suspect that you have - by the frequency in which you are mentioned in the ape’s letters. (I must confess, I have allowed myself to wish, only on the briefest of occasions, when things have taken a turn for the the worst, that perhaps you would send a note as well. It is a silly thing, of course, a panicked wish amongst chaos. I neither expected you to do so nor was shocked when you did not.)
I will also confess that I have... had (you will forgive my tensing) no belief I will survive this war or tomorrow's battle. We are severely outnumbered and even more outmatched, but I take heart that Cassy and Gabe are here with me and that at least, they will be at my side, should anything happen. Though I will also add, if it comes down to them or me, I will have to allow them to survive in my place. Heaven needs Gabriel and on Earth, many, many more need Cassy - whom I also, do not believe I could survive without if I were to lose him, and I...well I only have you. I hope you will not begrudge me this, because you do matter ever so much to me, but regretfully even I must admit there are bigger things to consider then myself.
Despite this understanding, I have several regrets, and it is rather selfish of me to pile them all on you, but as I am dead, I trust you will be able to forgive me in time. If you would prefer not to read them, as they are emotional and blunt, and I know how you like your stoic riddles, I understand that as well. Firstly, I regret that we have met. Not for my end, because knowing that perhaps one day the war might end and there would be someone there to greet me is, of all the things, the greatest comfort I could have imagined. But for you, I am sorry. You shouldn’t have had to wait years, you shouldn’t have to deal with this mess now. This shouldn’t all fall on you. I apologize for that. (If you should ever feel the need to speak with anyone, though I doubt you will, Cassy will be more than happy to listen. Do at least tell him again that I love him and that I’m sorry, Gabe as well). Secondly, I regret that we never kissed*. This perhaps seems to belie my first regret, but as a dead angel, I do not have to make sense, that is my right. But I do, I regret that. I considered it a little before the end, but I already knew I would have to leave at that point, and it seemed an unnecessarily cruel thing to do, so I refrained. But I have thought about it - too many times to count. (*This regret comes asterisked, because there are a great many things other than kissing I regret we did not get to do. But Cassy thinks detailing them here, in a letter expressing my feelings and farewell, would be crass, so I shall humor him, and leave them up to your imaginations, if you so choose.) Lastly, I regret I never loved you. I wish more than anything, that I could have. No, I know that I could have and I am sorry, that at this very moment, I have nothing but the strongest of fond affections and deep longings for you; if I could dispel any one of these regrets, this one would be it. Know only that with the proper time, there is little doubt in my mind I would have fallen quickly and easily, that I almost love you as much as one can almost love another. And this thought, that I might have loved you, under different circumstances, haunts me endlessly. I know that you are a demon and that to love is a foreign idea to your kind, but I hope that in your mind, you too could see a love for me somewhere. That perhaps in a realm that is not this one, you and I have found our way, and are on some far tropical island, sipping champagne in the sun, entwined in each other’s arms. The thought gives me warmth and hope.
I don’t know what happens when an angel, or a demon who is no longer a demon by nature, a demon who has redeemed himself in any and every way possible, in all our minds, dies. But perhaps, some day, a very long time from now, perhaps eternities will have passed, we will meet again. I look forward to that day from wherever I am, (I refuse to believe that angels simply disappear, or that all demons are condemned to hell), and I will long for it no matter how many minutes tick by. Time is a human concern and fortunately, we are not human in any way shape or form.
I think, reluctantly, I shall stop writing here, though I could continue on, and simply say again, that I have missed you terribly and that under no circumstances should you miss me beyond this moment. It would be a terrible waste of you.
Yours, always yours,
Balthazar