And the Moment Lingers On - DCBB - 3/6
Part 3
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Castiel is barely aware as arms drag him back into the cathedral and drop him onto his bed. Blood seeps from his wing and from his back, there’s bruises along his arms and a scratch running down his cheek. He’s never hurt this much, he can’t remember ever hurting this much. He wonders in the trap of his own mind if he’s going to die.
He doesn’t want to leave the room again. He knows that much, not ever.
He’d disobeyed and it had all happened exactly as Lucifer had promised. They’d hated him. They’d glared and yelled and hurt him. He whimpers a little into his arms. He’d been so foolish, he knows what he is, how could he have even thought that...
A soft throat clearing makes him jump and he looks up for a moment, but bows his head again, he does not wish to see Lucifer right now, does not think he could take the gloating.
“Hey - uhm, I can go, I just, I saw you get pulled in and I thought, but yeah - so I’ll.”
But that voice he does recognize and lifts his head, looking at his savior, at the human. He’s still alive, and the thought, he finds, comforts him a little.
“No,” He finds his voice from somewhere, trying to hide away the pain, suddenly ashamed of the tears. “No, please, you can stay.” What he really means is please don’t go away, because there’s something about the other that draws up a warmth in him that he’s never felt before. He wants the arms around him suddenly, even if he doesn’t deserve them.
But the man seems to sense that and comes to sit down on the bed, looks over at Castiel silently for a moment and then offers. “I’m Dean.”
He’s never introduced himself to anyone, he realizes. Not in a very long time. “Castiel.” He shifts a little to face the other.
“Castiel, huh.” There’s a smile in the way the other says his name and he likes that too and Dean looks around him. “Is this where you live?”
He nods again. “For my own protection.” He can’t help the little bit of bitterness that crawls into the words and his knees come up to his chest again.
Dean looks at him with something like worry and then the strong arm is around him and something sparks. A jolt…that runs electric through him as the touch continues, it seeps through every part of him for a moment, surges power into his cells, and he almost recognizes it for what it is, but then it sparks away again and it’s as though the words for what he felt have been wiped from his mind, he tries to summon it again, but it’s gone. The pain, though he realizes, feels notably lessened.
The human is also looking at him a little perplexed, a finger reaching up to edge along a once painful cut, now healed. He seems not to know what to say, and Cas isn’t quite sure what to tell him either, usually his body heals at a far more sluggish pace.
“Well there’s a neat trick.” Dean laughs finally. “Looks like there’s perks to being an angel, huh?”
“I’m not an angel.” He corrects the other quietly, if that’s what Dean thinks he is, if that’s why he’s looking at him as though he’s something important, why he helped him, then he should know the truth. “They were not incorrect.” He shudders a little and the arm around his shoulders tightens. “What they were saying out there.”
“What, that you’re a monster?” Dean’s brow furrows and his eyebrow raises. Castiel nods in response.
“And an abomination.” He dutifully recites. “It is not their fault that it all happened like that. I should never have gone out there. I - “
“Hey, hey wait.” Dean interrupts him, “Look, what happened today, it’s not - I mean - they were dicks. You can’t blame yourself for that.” He pulls a little farther back to look more fully at Cas. “And who the hell has been telling you all this crap anyway? Abomination, monster? Cause you’re missing a wing?”
“Angels should be perfect.” He answers and to his surprise, Dean snorts.
“Cas, newsflash, angels are not fucking perfect. And I am looking at you, and trust me.” The other gets up, reaches for his arm and pulls him to his feet. “I do not see a monster.”
He looks into Dean’s eyes, searches for the lie there, but finds none.
“Now, come on, there’s bound to be some cool shit to see in here, show me something awesome.”
The words make him smile, just a little bit, and he nods.
--
They end up on a balcony, overlooking the whole city, and the view is pretty fantastic, he’s never been this high before. It makes him kind of dizzy, but it’s worth it, Cas sitting next to him, hair ruffled by the light wind.
The angel, truthfully, interests him more than the view though, so intent on everything, as they look down at the quieting square.
“That, wasn’t uh -“ He hesitates, but keeps going as the attention shifts to him. “That wasn’t the first time you’ve ever been out was it?”
Cas blinks at him, and then lowers his gaze. “My master Lucifer…he forbids it.” And some of the anguish comes back into his features and Dean almost regrets the question. “I should never have left.”
“Lucifer?” Dean’s shocked and a little repulsed, truthfully, the sound of the man’s name leaving a sour taste in his mouth. “The judge? Cas, the guy’s a lunatic.” He can’t even imagine what the bastard has been filling Cas’s head with, or that Cas answers to someone like that, or what’s worse, cares for him.
“He protects me.” The answer comes, but he can hear a doubt in it, a wavering, something that tells him Cas isn’t completely committed to the other angel. And that’s a relief, because fuck, he likes Cas, doesn’t really know him maybe, but likes him. “No one else…no else is willing to do that.”
Dean moves himself closer, bolstered by the reluctance. “By keeping you in here? Cas. There’s good stuff out there, chicks,” He pauses, their look too intense for a moment, “or guys, if you want, friendship, real things, and I don’t know, life. It must be so fucking lonely up here all by yourself. You can’t just stay behind these walls forever.” He can’t even imagine, to be so locked away...to be so alone. The thought makes him shudder slightly.
“You saw what happened.” The whispered answer breathes across his skin. “They couldn’t understand, they won’t ever.”
“You could come with me.” He finds himself answering back, tilting in. “No one would look at you funny there, we’re all misfits.”
Cas pulls away at that, the moment broken and looks at Dean strangely. “Come with you?” There’s a glint of fear in his eyes. “You can’t go out there, he’ll kill you. He’s waiting for you.”
His hand comes up to cover Dean’s. “You should remain here where you’re protected. You’ll have peace, safety.”
But Dean shakes his head, nope, he has to, Sam is waiting and Dad. Fuck, Lucifer if he thinks he can just keep him in there. “Cas, can’t stay up here, can’t do it. You shouldn’t either - “ He half pauses, a sudden thought occurring to him. “Hey, if you got out of here without permission, you must know some way out.” A sudden hope fills him. “You could get us out of here, we could bail.” Cas can’t actually want to be a prisoner here forever. No one could want that. “C’mon, Cas.”
But the hope dies away again when Cas bows his head and looks away. “I’m sorry, Dean.” And the words leave him feeling kind of punched in the gut, because they’re so damn hopeless and pitiful. And he wants to shake the other, to tell him to get over himself, to just do what he wants. But he kind of feels like it won’t do any good, so he swallows, and silently gets up, turns back into the cathedral, leaves the angel alone with the night.
--
He wants to ignore the hollow sinking feeling the other’s dismissal leaves him with, to creep back into his rooms and find the emptiness that usually fills him once more. He’d been wishing to understand emotions not hours ago, but he doesn’t like this sensation, not at all. The way it niggles at him, curls his insides and strikes from within.
If he just ignores it, perhaps it will subside. He tries again to will it away again; Dean’s disappointment thousands of times worse than the pain of Lucifer’s jabs. But he’s safe here, after all, is he not? In his room, in his tower. Dean is mistaken, he just doesn’t understand yet. This peace and protection…it must be better. Castiel has no place in the world below.
So why has he spent so long dreaming of it? A treacherous little voice whispers in his ear and he buries his hands in his hair, torn. It’s dangerous down there, he argues back weakly, today proved it, he can’t let Dean go back where he might be killed. How can he? They can be safe here, together now.
And yet…the gleam in Dean’s eyes as he’d spoken of the rest of the world, a part of him still longs to understand that. Hasn’t he always…always hoped for an opportunity…to do something, to be someone, to be something greater than just a miserably, useless, half of an angel. He’d felt that for a moment when Dean had looked at him like the answer to everything. But he can’t possibly do that can he…he’s just…he is what he is…isn’t he?
His fingers tighten in his hair and then he lets go, rising to pace back and forth across the balcony, heart beating fast as he tries to figure out what it is he should do. Lucifer would laugh, would tell him that he’s being foolish for thinking he can be of any use to anyone. Guy’s a lunatic, Dean’s words come back to him. And Lucifer hadn’t helped him tonight, no, Dean had. So why should he, the thought comes trembling, his whole body freezing with its enormity, why should he care what Lucifer thinks?
For the first time, he realizes, he is in the position to help. He can prove he’s not weak, not a monster. That he can do some good for someone, someone he cares about. He can’t leave himself; he knows that much without even having to think about it, not yet, not now.
But this, this he can do.
He turns on his heel and follows Dean’s footsteps back inside.
He can be more than himself.
--
Dean is sitting in one of the smaller rooms when Cas finds him. He looks up, half ready to apologize for just leaving like that, but the other is looking at him in shuddering determination.
“Okay,” He murmurs, coming closer, reaching out to wrap his fingers around Dean’s wrist and pulling him towards the door, the touch electrifies him for some reason, sends shocks through him and he can see something matching in Cas’s eyes.
“Okay, I’ll help you leave. You helped me, so I’ll help you.” But maybe there’s something more to it than that, Dean thinks but doesn’t say, only allows himself to be led, grinning back at the other. The night wind whips their faces as they move towards a nearby ledge and Dean shifts uncomfortable, watches Cas spread his one wing, and then reaches out to Dean.
“Wrap yourself around me.” Dean’s eyebrow flies up, but there’s no innuendo in Cas’s voice and he probably wouldn’t get it even if Dean cracked the joke, so he stays quiet and does as Cas asks, his arms go securely around his neck and he feels Cas’s arms close around him.
“We’re not, uh, flying? Are we?” He tries not to sound too terrified at the prospect, but the idea makes him feel a little green. He’s more of a keep both feet on the ground kind of guy.
“Not exactly.” Cas laughs in his ear and then they jump. The wind rushes in his ear and for a moment it feels exactly like a fall, but midway, they start hovering and land softly on another ledge and slowly he cracks his eyes open, realizing he is in fact not dead.
“Fuck, Cas.” A little too much adrenaline colors his tone, and it’s a little cracked, but the other’s arms tighten around him so maybe it’s worth it to show some weakness. “Some warning next time.”
“Very well.” Cas’s breath is warm on his chilled cheek. “We’re about to jump.” And they’re falling again, the air whistling in Dean’s ear. It’s over by the time Dean’s really started to enjoy the start and stop, the way the fall makes his heart lurch, Cas’s body against his. When they’re on the ground, he finds he doesn’t really want to let go. Not even a little. Cas stands there and humors him, but he feels the awkwardness that surrounds the other and reluctantly pulls away. Tries not to let his mind go...farther.
“Come with me?” He asks again, hoping. “I can’t, Dean.” Cas is watching him, blue eyes sad, regret lacing his words. “But I hope I will see you again.” He bites his lip. “Be careful, please.” And then he’s taken off again, gone in a flash.
“Bye Cas.” He says into the night.
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