(no subject)
Self: Don't read unless you want to hate yourself more.
Well, I don't know what to say anymore. I'm trapped. I can't go out with friends, I can't put make up on, I can't leave this place unless i'm
Well. I started this from the last draft I tried to post. I wasn't in a good place. Fuck no. Hell, just reading that small part makes me hate him more. Let's start new. I don't remember what I posted recently, because I don't want to. I just need to vent.
I'm in love. I want her in my life forever, and I've never been this sure about anything in my life. For anything. I fucked up. I got her to come out for Lewis' birthday. She got kind of drunk and was driving me and Bruce back to the pines, where she lives, but not to go home. To go to our friend Scott's. She got pulled over. They yanked her out of the car and she blew just a little over. They didn't wait 15 minutes to test her. They put her in the car. A guy from the other car came and asked if we've been drinking, I said yes. Then they asked if we could walk because they were impounding her car. Then he asked what Leslie did. I told him she was about to be hired by washtenaw, then broke out into tears. We walked up through Meijer parking lot and got picked up by Scott's brother. When we got to Scott's, I looked at aly and started crying harder. I knew she couldn't be hired after that. It was her one and only dream, the only thing she had been waitin for, the only thing she had went to school for. She called me at 5am. They only kept her for three hours, and we're pissed when they found out she was a cop, and they felt like shit. WHY DIDN'T THEY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAID THAT. And why didn't she tell them before they booked her? I sat with her until they called her in. I feel like it is completely my fucking fault. I could have told her not to drive, I could have told Bruce to drive. But I felt comfortable with her driving because she always had after drinking. I trusted her. I supported her 100000 percent. I can't even believe it. Now what can she do? Has to move and I will never see her again?! But, I probably sealed that deal. Because I fucked up again.
Over the weekend, Saturday... I went out to the tailgate house with Aly and Mary. We were drinking a lot, then fucking Rita shows up. This girl has been trying to get me away from Leslie for so long. Mary had told me about how Rita told her Leslie hit on her. So naturally, I confront her about it to her face. She told me that Leslie was real close and touchy with her at the bar, then backed away real quick when I walked up. Then she tried kissing me forcefully like she always does. I backed away out of her grip before she could, and walked away. I hated her. I told everyone to tell her I went home, and I went and hid upstairs. I thought about it, and told myself that I trusted Leslie and knew how much she loved me. I was thinking pretty rational. Rita had to call a cab home. So I finally went downstairs. We got some people together and went back to ypsi to Scott's. Everyone passed out, and I stayed up with Scott until 11 am shotgunning beer after beer. We drank an entire cooler full. I then decided it was the best idea to call Leslie and talk about me being upset about Rita, because I knew she'd be awake. She didn't answer me. I remember feeling like she hated me and didn't care about me. So that's when I must have carried on about garbage that just spewed from NOWHERE, then typed out the text. I don't know. A text that said "f you" I distinctly remember it in drafts while Scott and I continued our shotgunning(or so I assume, because we were on that balcony for hours and I kept coming in and out of consciousness for more). She tried to call back, but I was in the middle of chugging. I picked up my phone and actually seen that text that she said she called back, and not just typed rambled words that make no sense, & I know I tried to delete the draft I typed, but it must've sent. Well, hell, DUH it sent. I went back into the back room to try and call her back, but I must have laid down while doing it because I passed out. I woke up and looked at my phone with no texts or missed calls... Then looked at our texts. I immediately started crying and freaking out to aly. She said to say I meant to add an lol in it but I knew she wouldn't care if it did have an lol after it. I talked to scott about if i said anything to him about her and he said no, that we werent really talking about anything that makes aense, and were talking about how the grass was really green for like an hour. But he did say i kept figeting with my phone and dropping it a lot. & that i kept knocking beer cans off the side and dropped all of our lighters and dropped a cig every time i lit it. I continuously tried texting and calling and apologizing my ass off. I sent her a book every ten minutes. Finally got that she was so upset and actually did hate me for it. So I said screw it, and told Scott let's start it up. We drank more beer, then we went to Meijer and he got a fifth of Jameson and a half gallon of Skyy vodka. we went back and started getting trashed. I called Jess over, and by that time, I had been hiding in the bathroom crying, still. I explained to her everything that happened because I haven't been talking to any of my real friends for a long time. She seen how hurt I was and said she was driving over to Leslie's to try and talk to her and apologize for me. She came back and said there was no answer. I kept crying. Then she made me go with her. I sat in the car with her for a very long time and we kept drinking beer and talking. I told her it would be a bad idea if I went up there, but she made me anyway. I knocked for a second then backed away. I knew she wouldn't open the door for me. So we kept drinking until 5am. Scott had passed out on the couch with his brother, Jess went to his brothers room, as I took Scott's big bed. I woke up and Scott was on the other side snoring. So I peeled myself up and went to lay next to Jess. Martin called her and wouldn't stfu so I texted him to go away, I'm trying to sleep. Everyone eventually got up, and we move to the couch. him & Jess ordered pizza, and I could barely move to go get it with them. when we got back, I was still sending Leslie book after book with excuses and apologies. Then I passed back out while they were watching paranormal activity. I really couldn't move. My entire body hurt. even standing was like sleeping but wanting to be awake. It hurt so much. Body and feelings. Everything about me was destroyed. I woke up and crawled to the balcony for a smoke, and Jess and Scott started The People Under the Stairs. It sucked me in because I love those weird creepy movies. But my eyes kept diverting to my phone. I just kept those texts going. I sent her a huge one or two every hour. She didn't make a peep. Not a single word back. Bruce came over an they tried their hardest to get me up to go get Chinese food. I couldn't, physically. It was like trying to lift a car. I sat there by myself, rolled to the shower.. Then right back to the couch. Jess drove me home when they got back. I couldn't even look at the food they brought me, so I left it. It's Wednesday, and still no word. Besides my own feelings of guilt, and being pissed at myself, I am worried about her. I was an asshole when she needed me. I can't even begin to forgive myself. I should have kept that stupid girls thoughts to myself, and just not have worried about it. It wasn't the time. what I should have done was went to bed, then go to her whenever she needed/wanted me. To be her shoulder, her crutch, her friend, her support, her love.
Selfishly, I only want her. Want her to talk to me and not hate me. Want her to work with mr through the good and the bad both. don't want her to give up on me and think it's hopeless.
Unselfishly, I need her to be happy. Whatever that takes.
She is my life.
I would spin the earth opposite for her.
Also, I made a service announcement that I quit drinking, and not to ask me out for anything if alcohol is involved. I never, and I mean ever. want that to ruin anything I love again. It's too painful.
Well, I don't know what to say anymore. I'm trapped. I can't go out with friends, I can't put make up on, I can't leave this place unless i'm
Well. I started this from the last draft I tried to post. I wasn't in a good place. Fuck no. Hell, just reading that small part makes me hate him more. Let's start new. I don't remember what I posted recently, because I don't want to. I just need to vent.
I'm in love. I want her in my life forever, and I've never been this sure about anything in my life. For anything. I fucked up. I got her to come out for Lewis' birthday. She got kind of drunk and was driving me and Bruce back to the pines, where she lives, but not to go home. To go to our friend Scott's. She got pulled over. They yanked her out of the car and she blew just a little over. They didn't wait 15 minutes to test her. They put her in the car. A guy from the other car came and asked if we've been drinking, I said yes. Then they asked if we could walk because they were impounding her car. Then he asked what Leslie did. I told him she was about to be hired by washtenaw, then broke out into tears. We walked up through Meijer parking lot and got picked up by Scott's brother. When we got to Scott's, I looked at aly and started crying harder. I knew she couldn't be hired after that. It was her one and only dream, the only thing she had been waitin for, the only thing she had went to school for. She called me at 5am. They only kept her for three hours, and we're pissed when they found out she was a cop, and they felt like shit. WHY DIDN'T THEY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAID THAT. And why didn't she tell them before they booked her? I sat with her until they called her in. I feel like it is completely my fucking fault. I could have told her not to drive, I could have told Bruce to drive. But I felt comfortable with her driving because she always had after drinking. I trusted her. I supported her 100000 percent. I can't even believe it. Now what can she do? Has to move and I will never see her again?! But, I probably sealed that deal. Because I fucked up again.
Over the weekend, Saturday... I went out to the tailgate house with Aly and Mary. We were drinking a lot, then fucking Rita shows up. This girl has been trying to get me away from Leslie for so long. Mary had told me about how Rita told her Leslie hit on her. So naturally, I confront her about it to her face. She told me that Leslie was real close and touchy with her at the bar, then backed away real quick when I walked up. Then she tried kissing me forcefully like she always does. I backed away out of her grip before she could, and walked away. I hated her. I told everyone to tell her I went home, and I went and hid upstairs. I thought about it, and told myself that I trusted Leslie and knew how much she loved me. I was thinking pretty rational. Rita had to call a cab home. So I finally went downstairs. We got some people together and went back to ypsi to Scott's. Everyone passed out, and I stayed up with Scott until 11 am shotgunning beer after beer. We drank an entire cooler full. I then decided it was the best idea to call Leslie and talk about me being upset about Rita, because I knew she'd be awake. She didn't answer me. I remember feeling like she hated me and didn't care about me. So that's when I must have carried on about garbage that just spewed from NOWHERE, then typed out the text. I don't know. A text that said "f you" I distinctly remember it in drafts while Scott and I continued our shotgunning(or so I assume, because we were on that balcony for hours and I kept coming in and out of consciousness for more). She tried to call back, but I was in the middle of chugging. I picked up my phone and actually seen that text that she said she called back, and not just typed rambled words that make no sense, & I know I tried to delete the draft I typed, but it must've sent. Well, hell, DUH it sent. I went back into the back room to try and call her back, but I must have laid down while doing it because I passed out. I woke up and looked at my phone with no texts or missed calls... Then looked at our texts. I immediately started crying and freaking out to aly. She said to say I meant to add an lol in it but I knew she wouldn't care if it did have an lol after it. I talked to scott about if i said anything to him about her and he said no, that we werent really talking about anything that makes aense, and were talking about how the grass was really green for like an hour. But he did say i kept figeting with my phone and dropping it a lot. & that i kept knocking beer cans off the side and dropped all of our lighters and dropped a cig every time i lit it. I continuously tried texting and calling and apologizing my ass off. I sent her a book every ten minutes. Finally got that she was so upset and actually did hate me for it. So I said screw it, and told Scott let's start it up. We drank more beer, then we went to Meijer and he got a fifth of Jameson and a half gallon of Skyy vodka. we went back and started getting trashed. I called Jess over, and by that time, I had been hiding in the bathroom crying, still. I explained to her everything that happened because I haven't been talking to any of my real friends for a long time. She seen how hurt I was and said she was driving over to Leslie's to try and talk to her and apologize for me. She came back and said there was no answer. I kept crying. Then she made me go with her. I sat in the car with her for a very long time and we kept drinking beer and talking. I told her it would be a bad idea if I went up there, but she made me anyway. I knocked for a second then backed away. I knew she wouldn't open the door for me. So we kept drinking until 5am. Scott had passed out on the couch with his brother, Jess went to his brothers room, as I took Scott's big bed. I woke up and Scott was on the other side snoring. So I peeled myself up and went to lay next to Jess. Martin called her and wouldn't stfu so I texted him to go away, I'm trying to sleep. Everyone eventually got up, and we move to the couch. him & Jess ordered pizza, and I could barely move to go get it with them. when we got back, I was still sending Leslie book after book with excuses and apologies. Then I passed back out while they were watching paranormal activity. I really couldn't move. My entire body hurt. even standing was like sleeping but wanting to be awake. It hurt so much. Body and feelings. Everything about me was destroyed. I woke up and crawled to the balcony for a smoke, and Jess and Scott started The People Under the Stairs. It sucked me in because I love those weird creepy movies. But my eyes kept diverting to my phone. I just kept those texts going. I sent her a huge one or two every hour. She didn't make a peep. Not a single word back. Bruce came over an they tried their hardest to get me up to go get Chinese food. I couldn't, physically. It was like trying to lift a car. I sat there by myself, rolled to the shower.. Then right back to the couch. Jess drove me home when they got back. I couldn't even look at the food they brought me, so I left it. It's Wednesday, and still no word. Besides my own feelings of guilt, and being pissed at myself, I am worried about her. I was an asshole when she needed me. I can't even begin to forgive myself. I should have kept that stupid girls thoughts to myself, and just not have worried about it. It wasn't the time. what I should have done was went to bed, then go to her whenever she needed/wanted me. To be her shoulder, her crutch, her friend, her support, her love.
Selfishly, I only want her. Want her to talk to me and not hate me. Want her to work with mr through the good and the bad both. don't want her to give up on me and think it's hopeless.
Unselfishly, I need her to be happy. Whatever that takes.
She is my life.
I would spin the earth opposite for her.
Also, I made a service announcement that I quit drinking, and not to ask me out for anything if alcohol is involved. I never, and I mean ever. want that to ruin anything I love again. It's too painful.