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Apr 16, 2013 14:34



One day I woke up as a child wanting to love. It started as only fantasies, how I thought love would be. I knew it wasn't like my parents' love, I had watched too many movies to know better. My fantasies weren't the same as everyone else. Mine were of butch women in hardware stores, student teachers, etc. I liked people and wanted to do what they did, to mock them. I chose someone out of the playground, the lunch room, the store, a bar, and made them my boyfriend. Never had to try. I started getting bored because I knew it's not what I wanted, but I still liked people and wanted to be liked. So I started picking the ones who looked like a project. Like they were sad, broken. Add, manic depression, bi polar, schizophrenic. I used them as a project. Just like I'd do normally, try to create beautiful things. I got far too into it. I chose the worst ones. I didn't even love any of them. I just cared...a lot. About fixing them. They started hurting me. Every one of them. Slowly damaging different parts of me that I loved. My trusting heart, my confidence, my body, compassion, strength, determination, self awareness. I started feeling like the project.

Someone...that carried all of the attributes I was now lacking, came in at the right time and place to save me. She looked like the same person I knew I wanted to be with when I was small. She wrapped her arms around me and I felt everything I had lost come pounding back. Some have taken quite a while, while others were too familiar. She was love. I instantly loved her. The first day that I met her. I knew I wanted to marry her before even knowing how she went about her life. And then every feeling involved followed. I trusted her more than anyone. I valued how she liked to do things. The first time, that those remaining demons creeped out of my mouth... Was the first time it ended. I felt a new kind of betrayal. The kind that felt wrong. Like I should have been loved for all of my faults, and not just easy ones. That's where the trust went. If she would have stuck by my side instead of disappearing..

I felt that trust again the day she was open and honest with me, I told her. Always told her how I felt. When I felt change, when I felt happy, when I was energized. Being moody was a hard one to tell her. Me always wanting us both happy, didn't want to feel that way or even admit to her that I was unhappy. I got stubborn about it..then I got scared. I got scared to tell her how I felt and how upset I was. My subconscious wanted my conscious to be silent so it could come out and ruin us. violate us, and make sure I'm never unhappy or hurt.

Exact opposite. I need to learn that just because I'm unhappy for a moment doesn't mean I need to struggle with the possibility that I could stay that way.

It always bounced back. Whether it was her talking to me, giving me a hug& kiss, or even getting undressed.

My own mind is the master of my destruction. And I need to silence that in order for me to be happy. It may be a beautiful mind, but it likes to take me off of the path that I'm meant to be on. moral of the post.

But I will never betray myself, or concrete feelings.

I'm a complicated being to comprehend, but I am worth it.

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