(no subject)
Disregard every last post.
The time has come for me to step up and take the fall for my mistakes.
This isn't a post to "make you feel bad for me//about me" because for once, I actually DONT care what anyone thinks of me.
Im sick of trying to be something Im not;
No one really likes it anyway..
especially the one who finally made me realize who I was..
which is nothing like what I've become.
and I really like the old me better.
the me who transferred to Dixie M. Hollins High School from St. Petersburg Senior High School and had only 2 friends.
the me who didn't care if my hair was sooo fake blonde.
the me who didn't talk to anyone in any of my classes.
the me who even had WIGGERS say was cute.
the me who didn't even look in his direction and made him fall in love.
Don't get me wrong, the feelings I've shared with the few of you who cared to listen (Ashlie Taylor, Ashly Dissler, Nicole Polack, Heather Carlona, and Grace Weaver) about how I felt about you, and the stories I've told you, and the times I've said "I'm gonna beat that bitches ass!" -- were all true. I love the long time, and short time, that I have had to know you all. You hold a special place in my heart, no matter if we're BFFL LyKE OmGGZggGZGgzGZgZG!!!. You're all very special to me and I thankyou for taking the time to know who I felt was me.
But for the real me, the one who was never hip to the whole black hair fad; or never even knew what MySpAcE was until her boyfriend mentioned he had one; or never even would have talked to half the people I talked to for attention or hell, maybe even sympathy for how bad I thought I had it, how bad I have it now. I feel in all fairness you should know who I am.
I am Kara Rose Paul.
Born in St. Pete, FL--residing there still.
Loved *NSYNC way more than the Backstreet Boys but LOVED Nick Carter more than Justin Timberlake.
Hated that Ashly and Heather were better friends, and our friendship between the 3 of us was just a triangle of lies and hurtful things. (which is all fixed, we've grown up)
Never knew true hatred until I started dating Stephen Apple, the biggest dickhead in all of the lands.
Never knew what being cheated on felt like, until him.
Never had relationship problems, until him.
Never had FRIENDrelationship problems, until him.
basically, a lot of who I became before most of you knew me was because of him. now let's not get excited, he's not important at all anymore so moving on...
hated shrimp but secretly loved my poppis' family recipe for it.
pretended to be watching tv thru a dresser, and pretended to be smoking cigs like ol' mom that were actually magic markers.
acted like I didn't care how people felt, and actually didn't care.
wished upon every first star I saw for someone special to sweep me off my feet and let me know what love was like.
stole markers from her teachers in elementary school, then stole hall passes in middle school.
had her first kiss be totally disgusting and even remember calling it "icky".
never knew what a trend was, just knew that I didn't like preps.
wanted to always be a millionaire and only buy a laptop.
loved playing on the playground @ gladden park with the kids from school.
had a hilarious time having a "boyfriend" who was only on the internet.
remember hearing about Derrick dying and crying everytime I heard Kayci & JoJo's "All My Life" song even though it had nothing to do with anything.
And now we look at who I am now. A girl who tried to be what she "thought her boyfriend wanted in a gf, a friend even". Made it seem like I cared about anything you all said. Listened to the blah blah blahs of your sob stories and told you I knew how you felt, and did, but you didn't believe me, so I walked away. No offence, many of you I do care what happens to you, I just may not comment to it on your lj or leave a sweet message on your myspace.
Now maybe Im just being overdramatic, trying to leave a very long post in this almost pathetic type journal, but I need to let it be known that I am not who I seem. I dont know who I am. All you all have ever wanted to know about me, Im still trying to figure out. I make most shit up as I go, which is going to stop. The real Kara is going to show you that she can be liked too. and if you don't like me, then have a nice day. Thanks for taking the time to at least try to know me. and If you do like who I really am, who Im trying to reconnect myself with, than thank you also for reading/listening to what I say. You are a true person, not a mold of what everything thinks you should be, sort've like how I've come to be known.
I regret everything I've done to Jayson that hurt him, because of me trying to be this 'new' me, I ruined the one thing I truly loved more than my own parents (who are a huge factor of my life because they're amazing). if someone wants to talk shit about us, go ahead. Make yourself feel bigger for talking shit or saying "i knew you two wouldn't make it, we all saw it going nowhere" while I stomp your fucking face in. If you only knew what love we had before I changed, before I went to europe, before I let summer days get in the way. Before any of you EVER interfered. and if i spelled that wrong get me a fucking dictionary for christmas cause I don't fucking have one.