The most foolish of all.
"You are way too good for me. I don't deserve you now, and I never did before. I'm sorry we lost touch. I was a waste of your time anyway. <3
P.S.- You are so beautiful." - Susan
I don't understand why good friendships fade. I don't understand anything sometimes. It seems like the words, "We'll be best friends forever," is a curse. It jinx's the friendship. It happens to me every time. I could name every single person who walked out my life, even after they swore they'd never leave. But I think Mike can be given the honor of hurting me the most by leaving. We even planned on getting our first house together. Sometimes I want to call him up and explain to him that people change. That I've changed. That I've grown a little since Freshman year. That I realize what I did wrong. But he won't listen, and he won't ever listen.
What hurts the most is that these people leave and don't even look back. They don't even want to look back. I'm written out of their memories and their lives forever. Do you think Mike will ever admit that some of his greatest moments in his teen years were spent with me? I bet he's even erased all the home videos of us, because I can't imagine him watching them and missing me at all. You can't walk away from memories like that and friends like that if you have half a fucking heart. I don't know how people can do that.
The memories I hate the most are the ones that make me laugh. The ones I try to explain to people that weren't there and they don't get it. Why? Because only the person I made those memories with could possibly understand and find it funny. And most of the time, those people don't even want to give me the time of day let alone reminisce with me.
I know it is all apart of growing up. "Finding out who your true friends are," and all of that. But even once you are "grown up" you still hurt. People still come in and out of your life and you still can get your heart broken. I think we just say that it is all apart of growing up to make it easier for ourselves. It's nice to think that hurtful things like this will someday end. But it won't. Name calling never ends. Jealousy never ends. Back-stabbing never ends. We'll be dealing with the same issues with each other twenty years from now.
But maybe that is because we are forever growing up. Forever learning who we are because we are constantly changing. Once we figure ourselves out, we just change again. Once we have a best friend, they leave. Once we love life, things get hard. And what is a movie without suspense and conflict occasionally? And that is what our lives are. A movie for everyone else to watch.
In other new, my trip over the weekend was fun. Stephanie, Lauren, my mom and I laughed a lot. South Street was rainy and gloomy but I enjoyed it anyway. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I was a millionaire. Actually, I'd enjoy anything more if I was a millionaire. I've come to notice my taste in clothes has changed a lot. Goodbye dark colors, hello pastel and bright colors. I also spent about $80 on posters and pictures. They are so beautiful, I couldn't help it. I think I want to redecorate my room now.
What a project that will be if I go through with it.
Also, Stephanie and I explored the neighborhood by our hotel. We found an elementary type school and played on the playground. Then we got my mom and went on a nature hike that was down the road. Then we walked around the neighborhood and talked about how beautiful the houses were. Honestly, that is my dream neighborhood. There was so much green and so many trees. I fell in love.
The best part about walking around that neighborhood and dreaming about living in one of those houses? That dream will someday be a reality. I'm making sure of it.
.xo.