(no subject)
today definitely wasn't one of my better days....
my dad always goes on about how nothing has ever been easy for him in life, and im starting to think that this lovely "trait" has been passed down to me. lately i've felt this massive list of things to do pushing me down. and it seems like every time i finally get one thing done and off the list, several more things are piled on in its place. it bugs me that all this shit is going on and that i've really become the more responsible child while my brother is spinning down his little spiral of lameness. i was never the tattle-tale type....but lately, every chance i get i try to make sure my dad is aware of what my brother is doing wrong. i point out all these calls we're getting from his missed tanks, and the bad progress reports. his constant lack of calling to check in with us, and the fact that when he does the vagueness of his whereabouts amazes me. i would have never been able to get away with that shit when i was a freshman.
i really don't think my brother is very appreciative of all this shit i had to go through at his age. i don't want pity or anything, just some fucking respect, thats all. when i was a freshman, in order to even go out past seven i had to drag him with me. everywhere. i had to pay for his movie tickets and be embarrassed in almost every possible situation. to point out the extremity of this....my brother went with me on my first date. how....lovely.
road test today was a total disaster. i didn't pass....and i didn't fail. i wasn't allowed to take the fucking thing. since i lost the original copy of my certificate, and brought a photocopy. which apparently wasn't allowed. now what confuses me most, is that why the fuck would mr. miller give us two photocopies of our certificates if they were utterly and completely USELESS. i swear to god i wanted to scream at this women. in the car i played the game of "what i should have done". wishing i had at least called her a bitch. what would she have done? yelled at me? i really couldn't have cared less if she did.
so afterwards i found myself not having the mental energy to go to school. the past two weekends have partially left me dead. too many issues and stupid things that i shouldn't have let get to me in the first place. im stronger than this, i know it. ive been through worse shit, so why did it effect me so much? the idea that i could still get worked up over something so unimportant truly bothers me. and being at home seemed fairly relaxing, although i found that maybe i enjoyed it too much. i'm not going to let myself slip into that lazy state of mind that i had last year. and i dont want to get all "social anxiety disorder" like again. i feel like ive been so fucking needy for the past few weeks. and i have no idea why. i refuse to slip into any old mental habits. i have it so fucking good right now, and the last thing i want to do is fuck that up. even if i think i need time away from people, it most likely means that if anything, i need my friends more than anything right now. but everyone is busy with their own shit. nobody wants to hear about how i'm on the edge of a mental break down because i miss my dad and im scared of college applications and how ive got this deranged idea that i have this curse on me. i dont even know why im ranting like this right now. i haven't done this in a long time. when i was all screwy and couldn't deal with stuff on my own.
maybe i just need to calm down. i already know that this is most likely a result of being around the house all day, thinking too much. because as a whole i've been happy lately. stressed out but nowhere near depressed or anything like that. ok, so staying home wasn't a great idea. i need to keep myself on track. these stupid college applications will be done and then i can hopefully relax. things with my friends is already better, i think its just i havent had enough time to hang out with them in the relaxed sense. without the tension and personal issues that plagued our past two weekends.
i still have no senior quote...god damnit.
i contemplated putting this as a friends only entry. i'll admit, it was because i was scared of some people reading it and getting enjoyment from my still having issues with stuff. but i am relieved to say that i feel comfortable enough with anyone reading my livejournal now. yeah i still have flaws and ive still got issues, but it's nothing compared to how things used to be.
my dad always goes on about how nothing has ever been easy for him in life, and im starting to think that this lovely "trait" has been passed down to me. lately i've felt this massive list of things to do pushing me down. and it seems like every time i finally get one thing done and off the list, several more things are piled on in its place. it bugs me that all this shit is going on and that i've really become the more responsible child while my brother is spinning down his little spiral of lameness. i was never the tattle-tale type....but lately, every chance i get i try to make sure my dad is aware of what my brother is doing wrong. i point out all these calls we're getting from his missed tanks, and the bad progress reports. his constant lack of calling to check in with us, and the fact that when he does the vagueness of his whereabouts amazes me. i would have never been able to get away with that shit when i was a freshman.
i really don't think my brother is very appreciative of all this shit i had to go through at his age. i don't want pity or anything, just some fucking respect, thats all. when i was a freshman, in order to even go out past seven i had to drag him with me. everywhere. i had to pay for his movie tickets and be embarrassed in almost every possible situation. to point out the extremity of this....my brother went with me on my first date. how....lovely.
road test today was a total disaster. i didn't pass....and i didn't fail. i wasn't allowed to take the fucking thing. since i lost the original copy of my certificate, and brought a photocopy. which apparently wasn't allowed. now what confuses me most, is that why the fuck would mr. miller give us two photocopies of our certificates if they were utterly and completely USELESS. i swear to god i wanted to scream at this women. in the car i played the game of "what i should have done". wishing i had at least called her a bitch. what would she have done? yelled at me? i really couldn't have cared less if she did.
so afterwards i found myself not having the mental energy to go to school. the past two weekends have partially left me dead. too many issues and stupid things that i shouldn't have let get to me in the first place. im stronger than this, i know it. ive been through worse shit, so why did it effect me so much? the idea that i could still get worked up over something so unimportant truly bothers me. and being at home seemed fairly relaxing, although i found that maybe i enjoyed it too much. i'm not going to let myself slip into that lazy state of mind that i had last year. and i dont want to get all "social anxiety disorder" like again. i feel like ive been so fucking needy for the past few weeks. and i have no idea why. i refuse to slip into any old mental habits. i have it so fucking good right now, and the last thing i want to do is fuck that up. even if i think i need time away from people, it most likely means that if anything, i need my friends more than anything right now. but everyone is busy with their own shit. nobody wants to hear about how i'm on the edge of a mental break down because i miss my dad and im scared of college applications and how ive got this deranged idea that i have this curse on me. i dont even know why im ranting like this right now. i haven't done this in a long time. when i was all screwy and couldn't deal with stuff on my own.
maybe i just need to calm down. i already know that this is most likely a result of being around the house all day, thinking too much. because as a whole i've been happy lately. stressed out but nowhere near depressed or anything like that. ok, so staying home wasn't a great idea. i need to keep myself on track. these stupid college applications will be done and then i can hopefully relax. things with my friends is already better, i think its just i havent had enough time to hang out with them in the relaxed sense. without the tension and personal issues that plagued our past two weekends.
i still have no senior quote...god damnit.
i contemplated putting this as a friends only entry. i'll admit, it was because i was scared of some people reading it and getting enjoyment from my still having issues with stuff. but i am relieved to say that i feel comfortable enough with anyone reading my livejournal now. yeah i still have flaws and ive still got issues, but it's nothing compared to how things used to be.