(no subject)
Tomorrow, or i should say later today will be July 11th. I have waited so long for this day to come, because i promised myself that this would be the day I decide if I was going to live or die. I am not depressed, and i wasnt depressed when i made this promise to myself. It just makes sense, i want to die for the sake of dying, because its the perfect answer to every problem, to every dream, to all the stress and struggle. I wouldnt have to feel or deal with anything ever again, hell i wouldnt be concious to do anything being dead. So what if i wont be happy, so what if i wont feel the gentle release of stress when i die. All these feelings would mean nothing when i die, all this trouble with making a living, what is the point if its all going to disappear when i die. To get enjoyment out of it all? enjoyment is just a feeling that disappears with death. So whats the point to life? Most people rely on god, others are just too afraid to die. To venture into the unknown where no man has ever returned! thats great. But why rely on god? what has he ever done? The bible says to claim every good thing is because of him, and every bad thing is just the result of "unforseen occurence". How fucking convenient. The probability of anything happening to anybody are so random, until the after the result. Its just like sub-atomic particles, completely random. And wtf with adamn and eve? How did something so "perfect" become imperfect?! IT WAS A PERFECT EQUATION! Satan was perfect he was an angel, God created man and woman. So why the hell did satan lie to eve, if he was perfect in the first place?!Is my definition of perfect wrong here? has anyone else notice this? No, they just say its a lesson in jealousy.
So why did i pick this day? No reason just a random day relying on intuition. But today was one of the best days of my life, a perfect way to end it. went to school, i was complemented on my intelligence, I hung out with my best friend i ever had, went swimming in a lake for the first time in my life, then i went to see spiderman 2. That was a great movie, it makes me wonder how good the next one will be. But once again im not depressed, i havent been depressed for 8 months now, I tried going for the hedonistic life style, but that never worked for me, or rather i never started on it. I always had to hang on to my rules, i could never change the world that i had gotten so comfortable with. damn routine, damn world. Why couldnt my life have been something more? like in the media, have something new and mysterious coming. Something more than human, which i have always been dreaming to surpass, always. But there is no way, this fucking body, i would never rather have someone elses body, but being human just plain sucks. And there is no escape from this, humanity needs to be destroyed, but that too is impossible.
Dont get me wrong this may look like just a rant about how life sucks, it does indeed, but it is so fucking funny. Irony is just a slap in the face, but that too is very funny. Hell this post will probably be the funniest thing ever created to some ppl and i would whole heartedly agree with them. The fact that i'm writing this probably means im going to live past tomorrow, but if i choose death, there will be no stopping me. This is a decision i have to stick with no matter what. I will never hurt anyone, never. Nobody has ever wronged me to that point, and i dont think anyone ever will. Life though it seems attractive too. it has its fill of joys and pleasures, but do i lack the human spirit or something!? I dont have that "will" or that "drive" to survive. Why go on living? Humanity has never done anything good, yet they cling to life as if it were the most precious thing in the world. Why dont i have that? damn humanity. If i could i would destroy the world, but since i am human and have no leadership skills it is a useless mission. Perhaps as brilliant as they are they will destroy themselves.
If i die tomorrow, I throw my whole life away, i would never know the answers to so many questions, i would die a virgin, if that accounts for anything, I would never know if there ever was a girl for me, that i could spend my life with, and actually grow old(sure to die before that) with. But will probably never know those answers, seeing as how if i continue now, I will never meet my love, i will never meet anyone. But do i have the patience to wait? yes but i have a deadline. why the fuck do i have a deadline? cuz death is too attractive.
If i choose death tomorrow...and im not successful, im probably just going to be institutionalized. But i bet i can get out of that by pleading sanity. I lied to that psychiatrist, and it was so easy. I was still very depressed at the time, but happiness is so easy to fake and she bought it because i faked confidence so well. Made me think i could be an actor, but no i cant do just any character. so i would be worthless as that.
Its a 50-50 chance tomorrow. Every time i think of choosing death, i see all the good things life has to offer, not to mention stability. But when i think of life i also see all the challenges that could be avoided through death.almost like to different ppl arguing. Only death is trying to convince life (which i percieve as myself damnit
i am so worried and scared.. i cant stop crying.
So why did i pick this day? No reason just a random day relying on intuition. But today was one of the best days of my life, a perfect way to end it. went to school, i was complemented on my intelligence, I hung out with my best friend i ever had, went swimming in a lake for the first time in my life, then i went to see spiderman 2. That was a great movie, it makes me wonder how good the next one will be. But once again im not depressed, i havent been depressed for 8 months now, I tried going for the hedonistic life style, but that never worked for me, or rather i never started on it. I always had to hang on to my rules, i could never change the world that i had gotten so comfortable with. damn routine, damn world. Why couldnt my life have been something more? like in the media, have something new and mysterious coming. Something more than human, which i have always been dreaming to surpass, always. But there is no way, this fucking body, i would never rather have someone elses body, but being human just plain sucks. And there is no escape from this, humanity needs to be destroyed, but that too is impossible.
Dont get me wrong this may look like just a rant about how life sucks, it does indeed, but it is so fucking funny. Irony is just a slap in the face, but that too is very funny. Hell this post will probably be the funniest thing ever created to some ppl and i would whole heartedly agree with them. The fact that i'm writing this probably means im going to live past tomorrow, but if i choose death, there will be no stopping me. This is a decision i have to stick with no matter what. I will never hurt anyone, never. Nobody has ever wronged me to that point, and i dont think anyone ever will. Life though it seems attractive too. it has its fill of joys and pleasures, but do i lack the human spirit or something!? I dont have that "will" or that "drive" to survive. Why go on living? Humanity has never done anything good, yet they cling to life as if it were the most precious thing in the world. Why dont i have that? damn humanity. If i could i would destroy the world, but since i am human and have no leadership skills it is a useless mission. Perhaps as brilliant as they are they will destroy themselves.
If i die tomorrow, I throw my whole life away, i would never know the answers to so many questions, i would die a virgin, if that accounts for anything, I would never know if there ever was a girl for me, that i could spend my life with, and actually grow old(sure to die before that) with. But will probably never know those answers, seeing as how if i continue now, I will never meet my love, i will never meet anyone. But do i have the patience to wait? yes but i have a deadline. why the fuck do i have a deadline? cuz death is too attractive.
If i choose death tomorrow...and im not successful, im probably just going to be institutionalized. But i bet i can get out of that by pleading sanity. I lied to that psychiatrist, and it was so easy. I was still very depressed at the time, but happiness is so easy to fake and she bought it because i faked confidence so well. Made me think i could be an actor, but no i cant do just any character. so i would be worthless as that.
Its a 50-50 chance tomorrow. Every time i think of choosing death, i see all the good things life has to offer, not to mention stability. But when i think of life i also see all the challenges that could be avoided through death.almost like to different ppl arguing. Only death is trying to convince life (which i percieve as myself damnit
i am so worried and scared.. i cant stop crying.