'How to get the gulls to participate in the drowning'

[___peregrine]

This is admittedly indelicate. Is the heart

Comments

[___peregrine]

okay so this is a rough rouch draft. the part about the tuning and the end are both bulky and unclear and i need to work on them. i want to say, in the end, something like

'elegance is not lost by departure' or "elegant things stay elegant whether they stay or go" or "your elegance hurts me whether you are here or no" but in a more concise way and i can't figure it out. suggestions?

[considerphlebas]

something like "elegance is independent of presence", maybe?

[abraxa]

mmm i like it. thank you.

[___peregrine]

'the floor your feet once touched/ more elegant even than the tree it once was'

[abraxa]

thank youuuuu! i love you. im going to start submitting this month...

[youmyvoicebox]

alisha i think this poem is really actually very well put together, so i'm interested to see what kind of edits you'll end up making!

my biggest qualms are with
"the grief of your leaving...
...what comes before it does" and
"For I have woken / frightened"

and they aren't major. i'd just suggest removing the "For" in "I have woken / frightened." the language here is old, worn, tired, i feel, and i don't think the entire poem sits that heavily because you say There is room in my heart for both the elm and the birches, for / both you and the grief. you're saying here that you're okay to hold this memory along side the grief, and i think that by overweighing that sentiment with too much heavy language diminishes the balance and your acceptance. does that make sense? heavy language makes it sound like you aren't okay with the memory and the grief, you're only okay with the grief

[___peregrine]

hey there, thank you sooo much for the feedback. this is the first draft so there's obv. alot of work to do but i'm really pleased with the framework

[thestory_sofar]

I felt this poem and loved it : )

[___peregrine]

glad to hear and thankkkk you!

[thestory_sofar]

'the floor
your feet have touched, more elegant
even than the tree it once was.'

I just want you to know that i cannot stop saying this over and over and over.

[___peregrine]

We tend to drown in our sorrows or swell in our joy. Haha. Completely. I do miss the little things- I often am hit by the realization that I don't know a little thing about you, like the name of the place you work or whatever. It's odd, knowing certain parts of you so well and then not knowing all these seemingly important details.