(no subject)
Tonight was really emotional for me. It brought back so much, and I.. well, read for yourself.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im fucking shaking
starlitexlullaby:: sarah, i dont thikn you know how much you mean to me. nobody does. you're the only person on this planet that i'd die for. you've been there for me when the rest of the world turned their backs &i want to be there for you. i love you more than life itself &if you're hurting, i'm hurting also. &no i'm not just sayin that, it's the truth. you should never, ever be sad, because, truthfully, you're too goodlookin to be sad. I LOVE YOU. please don't ever forget that
starlitexlullaby:: what's got you so upset?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: wow.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i love you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i literally had a bottle of pills opened when i said i was shaking
starlitexlullaby:: no, no. i love youuuuu!
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and you saying that made me put them away
starlitexlullaby:: good. & every single word i said was true.
starlitexlullaby:: what's got you so bothered?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i dont even know.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: really..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: just my depression is kicking in
starlitexlullaby:: yeah..
starlitexlullaby:: everything just boiling down &hittin at the same time.. kinda thing?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly
starlitexlullaby:: i know exactly how that is.
starlitexlullaby:: sometimes, &i dont mean to sound all therapist like on you, but it's okay to cry.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: &i dont want you to be sad.
starlitexlullaby:: &if there's anything i can do, you name it, it's DONE.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im okay
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i would never try to burden you
starlitexlullaby:: HAH burden?
starlitexlullaby:: now way pookie!
starlitexlullaby:: no*
starlitexlullaby:: &it's not okay.. i'll do anything for you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thank you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: <33
starlitexlullaby:: no thanks needed, i speak the truth.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i dont deserve you
starlitexlullaby:: you deserve me plus some..
starlitexlullaby:: you deserve the world &&&&&so much more
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: right.
starlitexlullaby:: i know i'm right. ;-)
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im so emotionally fucked up.
starlitexlullaby:: no you're not.
starlitexlullaby:: what makes you say that?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no i am
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: for one thing
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i don't show my emotions at all
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: until that big time where everything explodes
starlitexlullaby:: no. you show emotions everyday.
starlitexlullaby:: when you're happy &when you're upset.
starlitexlullaby:: everybody gets to their "breakin" point
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no all i show is when im pissed off and apathetic
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: why are mine so severe though?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im always one or the other
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: either angry to the point where i want to kill someone or not even caring what happens, who i am, who i run to.. whatever
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: into*
starlitexlullaby:: i'm not sure i have the answer.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no one does
starlitexlullaby:: but i know that you're happy a lot, for instance when you're listening to music or with your friends or dancing
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: leaving me to find it for myself
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and thats my conclusion
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah maybe i am happy then
starlitexlullaby:: well.. maybe we all have to find out for ourselves
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thats what im going on
starlitexlullaby:: for instance, i havn't tlaked to bryan in weeks, but why do i lay in bed somenights &cry over him?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but if you notice and mention how happy i am, then i'll start thinking about how upset everything else makes me
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: boys are different.
starlitexlullaby:: i guess we do have to figure out ourselves... ourselves
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i still think about lucas for god's sake.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah, true.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: maybe one day we'll figure it out.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA:thats what im saying though
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i already know
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i know the severity of my depression
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: firsthand
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it might not seem so bad, but i think about it all the time
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i've come to the realization that nothing around here is helping
starlitexlullaby:: yeah..
starlitexlullaby:: well, i'd help in any way possible. you know that. i know that. if you ever need anything, come to me. if you need time to think about shit, i'll be there waiting for you.
starlitexlullaby:: if you need someone to yell at, to punch, anything, i'll be the one
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but talking doesn't help.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: none of it works
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah, it gets it off my chest
starlitexlullaby:: but it's still there..
starlitexlullaby:: i understand
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but it also makes me wonder how i got so fucked up
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: you're not supposed to have this much regret.
starlitexlullaby:: tell me some of the things you regret?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: everything
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i mean..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: lately ive been thinking a lot about this time i was at stephanie's house
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: we didn't have anything..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: so i got some midol
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: crushed it up
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and snorted it
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and it just makes me sound terrible
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and shit like that..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it was routine
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and i regret that so much.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: SO much
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it didn't hurt. nothing ever hurt.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but it hurts now.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: well you've grown as a person
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: BUT I HAVEN'T.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: what have i done to make me grow as a person?
starlitexlullaby:: if there are things in the past you regret, they're going to stay in the past, but maybe they can help mold the person you're going to become
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: obviously i don't learn from my mistakes.
starlitexlullaby:: maybe not everything you regret can change in just a short amount of time.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no they don't mold you into a better person if you don't learn from them.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: a short amount of time?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: this was almost 2 years ago.
starlitexlullaby:: oh..
starlitexlullaby:: well sweets..
starlitexlullaby:: i know this is gettin you down &i want to help you so much. but i also understand it's a fight within yourself.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: its that more than anything.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: not being able to accept myself.
starlitexlullaby:: i guess i can just say that no matter what i love you. you are the person you are for reasons that are unexplainable, but for those reasons, are the reasons i love you more &more everyday.
starlitexlullaby:: geez now i'm gettin all teary-eyed..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: see, i hate this.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i hate when people tell me "how good of a person i am."
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i hate having secret thoughts. i wish i could share them with you without having to explain them verbally.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: then you'd know, and you wouldn't feel the same.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i just want to argue. i want to prove to you i'm not who or what you think i am.
starlitexlullaby:: okay.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i'm sorry
starlitexlullaby:: nothing to be sorry for.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yes there is.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i'm sorry you have to deal with me
starlitexlullaby:: again, that's nothing to be sorrry for. i'm here because i want to be here for you.
starlitexlullaby:: i want to.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: you can't honestly want to listen to me whine and complain about trivial bullshit
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i just want you to know this isn't self pity. it's more.. an awakening.
starlitexlullaby:: i know it's not self pity.. remember, we don't do the pity thing..
starlitexlullaby:: but this realization you're having means something to you &&me.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly. it means i'm weighing you down with my attitude towards everything.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and for that, again.. i'm sorry.
starlitexlullaby:: no, not at all.
starlitexlullaby:: darling, i'm sorry to do this, but my sis needs to call my mom &see when she's getting us.
starlitexlullaby:: I'll be back onilne in a few minutes.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: okay.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: love you. thanks.
starlitexlullaby:: remember - i will always, no matter what, be there.
starlitexlullaby:: this is what friends are for <333
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thank you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: BEST FRIENDS.
starlitexlullaby:: EDIT
starlitexlullaby:: this is what BESTMOTHERFUCKINFRIENDS are for <333
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: =)
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: hurry back to me.
starlitexlullaby:: alright babe. byeee
starlitexlullaby signed off at 6:40:51 PM.
Ha, like anyone read that whole thing.. Oh well, it doesn't matter. Whether you did or not, your conclusion would be the same : I'm too emotionally unstable and I have the best friend in the world.
♥
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im fucking shaking
starlitexlullaby:: sarah, i dont thikn you know how much you mean to me. nobody does. you're the only person on this planet that i'd die for. you've been there for me when the rest of the world turned their backs &i want to be there for you. i love you more than life itself &if you're hurting, i'm hurting also. &no i'm not just sayin that, it's the truth. you should never, ever be sad, because, truthfully, you're too goodlookin to be sad. I LOVE YOU. please don't ever forget that
starlitexlullaby:: what's got you so upset?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: wow.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i love you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i literally had a bottle of pills opened when i said i was shaking
starlitexlullaby:: no, no. i love youuuuu!
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and you saying that made me put them away
starlitexlullaby:: good. & every single word i said was true.
starlitexlullaby:: what's got you so bothered?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i dont even know.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: really..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: just my depression is kicking in
starlitexlullaby:: yeah..
starlitexlullaby:: everything just boiling down &hittin at the same time.. kinda thing?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly
starlitexlullaby:: i know exactly how that is.
starlitexlullaby:: sometimes, &i dont mean to sound all therapist like on you, but it's okay to cry.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: &i dont want you to be sad.
starlitexlullaby:: &if there's anything i can do, you name it, it's DONE.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im okay
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i would never try to burden you
starlitexlullaby:: HAH burden?
starlitexlullaby:: now way pookie!
starlitexlullaby:: no*
starlitexlullaby:: &it's not okay.. i'll do anything for you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thank you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: <33
starlitexlullaby:: no thanks needed, i speak the truth.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i dont deserve you
starlitexlullaby:: you deserve me plus some..
starlitexlullaby:: you deserve the world &&&&&so much more
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: right.
starlitexlullaby:: i know i'm right. ;-)
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im so emotionally fucked up.
starlitexlullaby:: no you're not.
starlitexlullaby:: what makes you say that?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no i am
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: for one thing
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i don't show my emotions at all
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: until that big time where everything explodes
starlitexlullaby:: no. you show emotions everyday.
starlitexlullaby:: when you're happy &when you're upset.
starlitexlullaby:: everybody gets to their "breakin" point
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no all i show is when im pissed off and apathetic
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: why are mine so severe though?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: im always one or the other
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: either angry to the point where i want to kill someone or not even caring what happens, who i am, who i run to.. whatever
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: into*
starlitexlullaby:: i'm not sure i have the answer.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no one does
starlitexlullaby:: but i know that you're happy a lot, for instance when you're listening to music or with your friends or dancing
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: leaving me to find it for myself
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and thats my conclusion
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah maybe i am happy then
starlitexlullaby:: well.. maybe we all have to find out for ourselves
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thats what im going on
starlitexlullaby:: for instance, i havn't tlaked to bryan in weeks, but why do i lay in bed somenights &cry over him?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but if you notice and mention how happy i am, then i'll start thinking about how upset everything else makes me
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: boys are different.
starlitexlullaby:: i guess we do have to figure out ourselves... ourselves
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i still think about lucas for god's sake.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah, true.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: maybe one day we'll figure it out.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA:thats what im saying though
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i already know
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i know the severity of my depression
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: firsthand
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it might not seem so bad, but i think about it all the time
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i've come to the realization that nothing around here is helping
starlitexlullaby:: yeah..
starlitexlullaby:: well, i'd help in any way possible. you know that. i know that. if you ever need anything, come to me. if you need time to think about shit, i'll be there waiting for you.
starlitexlullaby:: if you need someone to yell at, to punch, anything, i'll be the one
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but talking doesn't help.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: none of it works
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yeah, it gets it off my chest
starlitexlullaby:: but it's still there..
starlitexlullaby:: i understand
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but it also makes me wonder how i got so fucked up
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: you're not supposed to have this much regret.
starlitexlullaby:: tell me some of the things you regret?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: everything
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i mean..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: lately ive been thinking a lot about this time i was at stephanie's house
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: we didn't have anything..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: so i got some midol
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: crushed it up
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and snorted it
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and it just makes me sound terrible
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and shit like that..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it was routine
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and i regret that so much.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: SO much
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: it didn't hurt. nothing ever hurt.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: but it hurts now.
starlitexlullaby:: yeah
starlitexlullaby:: well you've grown as a person
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: BUT I HAVEN'T.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: what have i done to make me grow as a person?
starlitexlullaby:: if there are things in the past you regret, they're going to stay in the past, but maybe they can help mold the person you're going to become
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: obviously i don't learn from my mistakes.
starlitexlullaby:: maybe not everything you regret can change in just a short amount of time.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: no they don't mold you into a better person if you don't learn from them.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: a short amount of time?
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: this was almost 2 years ago.
starlitexlullaby:: oh..
starlitexlullaby:: well sweets..
starlitexlullaby:: i know this is gettin you down &i want to help you so much. but i also understand it's a fight within yourself.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: its that more than anything.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: not being able to accept myself.
starlitexlullaby:: i guess i can just say that no matter what i love you. you are the person you are for reasons that are unexplainable, but for those reasons, are the reasons i love you more &more everyday.
starlitexlullaby:: geez now i'm gettin all teary-eyed..
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: see, i hate this.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i hate when people tell me "how good of a person i am."
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i hate having secret thoughts. i wish i could share them with you without having to explain them verbally.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: then you'd know, and you wouldn't feel the same.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i just want to argue. i want to prove to you i'm not who or what you think i am.
starlitexlullaby:: okay.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i'm sorry
starlitexlullaby:: nothing to be sorry for.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: yes there is.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i'm sorry you have to deal with me
starlitexlullaby:: again, that's nothing to be sorrry for. i'm here because i want to be here for you.
starlitexlullaby:: i want to.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: you can't honestly want to listen to me whine and complain about trivial bullshit
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: i just want you to know this isn't self pity. it's more.. an awakening.
starlitexlullaby:: i know it's not self pity.. remember, we don't do the pity thing..
starlitexlullaby:: but this realization you're having means something to you &&me.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: exactly. it means i'm weighing you down with my attitude towards everything.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: and for that, again.. i'm sorry.
starlitexlullaby:: no, not at all.
starlitexlullaby:: darling, i'm sorry to do this, but my sis needs to call my mom &see when she's getting us.
starlitexlullaby:: I'll be back onilne in a few minutes.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: okay.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: love you. thanks.
starlitexlullaby:: remember - i will always, no matter what, be there.
starlitexlullaby:: this is what friends are for <333
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: thank you.
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: BEST FRIENDS.
starlitexlullaby:: EDIT
starlitexlullaby:: this is what BESTMOTHERFUCKINFRIENDS are for <333
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: =)
oh oh HYSTERIAAA: hurry back to me.
starlitexlullaby:: alright babe. byeee
starlitexlullaby signed off at 6:40:51 PM.
Ha, like anyone read that whole thing.. Oh well, it doesn't matter. Whether you did or not, your conclusion would be the same : I'm too emotionally unstable and I have the best friend in the world.
♥