(no subject)
-snippets from a conversation with Ben. I came to him, feeling bad about myself, and decided it might be good for me to share this with more people-
I'll spare you from the lengths of it, just in case you don't care.
I'm just down on myself because of some things a lot of people assume of me. I mean, I'm really a very nice person. I do, like you said, go out of my way to be as inoffensive as possible and to do nice things for whoever I can. I usually stay really quiet in public settings because I want to be sure I don't say something stupid that unintentionally hurts or offends someone. But I've been hearing that people think I'm really stuck-up and passive aggressive, which really bothers me.
And when I try to step up and say 'Hey, I'm not like that.' I get told that I'm being defensive and that I shouldn't be so offended. But, it's like... how can you not be offended when people wrongly assume that you're a bad person, or that you have negative qualities that you don't actually have.
I know that I really shouldn't care about what they think, because any criticisms they have of me just plain aren't applicable - their critique is based off of things that don't exist.
But I find it really hard not to. I just generally find it difficult to not be liked.
But, I don't feel like I have to like everyone, so why does everyone have to like me?
I guess it's because the people that I actively don't like (as in have a solid distaste for) are generally people who have proven, beyond a reasonable doubt, that they're a rotten person. I guess... even I'm guilty of disliking a few people based on assumptions and rumors. For example, there was this one girl in my high school. A lot of people said mean things about her, said that she was bitchy and a slut and all sorts of things, and I just bought into it. I didn't really know her, and she seemed pretty nice... but I just followed what other people said, no matter how wrong they may have been about her and no matter how much they might have been assuming or misinterpreting things about her that weren't really true. Just like people do to me.
And there are people who I don't like (as in, I don't like them but I don't dislike them.) and... well, I'm fine with people feeling that way about me. Mostly. I think that, if I knew that someone felt that way about me, I would try to make them like me. But, maybe not. I think Panda feels that way about me, but I haven't really gone out of my way to make her like me. Partially because I think it's impossible. Shei is about the only person in that age-range that I can relate to, and that's because we have so much in common. Panda and I are very different people, from what I've gathered.
So, I guess, I'm going to try to treat people more fairly, and I'm going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have a solid, proven, first-hand experience reason not to. That wont make people treat me the same way, and it wont make anyone like me any more, but at least I wont be a hypocrite.
I need to get back to this journal entry I'm supposed to be writing for stress and anxiety relief. - "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson. That's the quote I'm supposed to write about. Mostly it's just depressing because it makes me reflect on all the opportunities I've missed and generally what a failure I've let myself become.
Anyway, I'll rant about myself selfishly and stupidly some more later.
TL;DR:
People hate me for no reason. It sucks. I'm going to try to not do that. I'm a nice person and I try to go out of my way to be inoffensive. Also, I suck and there are plenty of other reasons for others to hate me and for me to seriously dislike myself. Which I do. /emorant.
P.S. I know how to do muck/mush code now. See?
Mittens Kurotsuchi(#1184M)
Type: THING Flags: MONITOR
Mittens is a young cat, just barely out of her kitten phase. She's a short haired tabby with exceptionally unique black markings set on a medium-brown background. Her tummy and paws are pristine and white, and her striking green eyes are outlined with a soft orange color. The word 'Mittens' is engraved on the silver heart charm that hangs from her blood red collar.%rYou can pet her, pick her up, help/make her dance, or pull on her (but I wouldn't recommend that last one.)
Owner: Nemu Key: Nemu(#268PXck) Hobo souls: 1
Zone: *NOTHING*
Powers:
Created: Fri Apr 11 23:21:08.64454 2008
Modified: Sat Apr 12 14:22:55.284713 2008
L.MITTENSQUOTE: ^*:@switch [rand(50)]=0,{@emit v([pickrand(lattr(me/d.mittensdo*))])}
D.MITTENSDO.1: Mittens lets out a quiet 'mew' of contentment.
D.MITTENSDO.0: Mittens tenderly licks her paws and begins to groom herself.
D.MITTENSDO.2: Mittens lets out a resounding 'ME-OW!' of defiance. Clearly something ticked her off.
D.MITTENSDO.3: Mittens parades around with a freshly caught mouse in the mouth. She's so proud!
D.MITTENSDO.4: Mittens yawns widely and curls up in a little ball for a nap.
D.MITTENSDO.5: Mittens' favorite people include: Nemu, Mayuri, Momo, Rikichi and Hanatarou.
D.MITTENSDO.6: Mittens rubs against the nearest solid object, petting herself.
CMD_PET: ^* pets Mittens*::purrs softly and arches her back for more attention.
CMD_PULL: ^* pulls Mittens*::lashes out and scratches the hell out of whoever dared abuse her in such a way.
CMD_DANCE: ^* Mittens dance*::is extremely annoyed but puts up with it.
CMD_PULL1: ^* pulls on Mittens*::lashes out and scratches the hell out of whoever dared abuse her in such a way.
CMD_PICK: ^* picks up Mittens*::seems extremely annoyed at first, but soon settles down and begins to purr.
No exits.
Home: Nemu(#268PXck)
Location: OOC Hell(#795RJ)
I'll spare you from the lengths of it, just in case you don't care.
I'm just down on myself because of some things a lot of people assume of me. I mean, I'm really a very nice person. I do, like you said, go out of my way to be as inoffensive as possible and to do nice things for whoever I can. I usually stay really quiet in public settings because I want to be sure I don't say something stupid that unintentionally hurts or offends someone. But I've been hearing that people think I'm really stuck-up and passive aggressive, which really bothers me.
And when I try to step up and say 'Hey, I'm not like that.' I get told that I'm being defensive and that I shouldn't be so offended. But, it's like... how can you not be offended when people wrongly assume that you're a bad person, or that you have negative qualities that you don't actually have.
I know that I really shouldn't care about what they think, because any criticisms they have of me just plain aren't applicable - their critique is based off of things that don't exist.
But I find it really hard not to. I just generally find it difficult to not be liked.
But, I don't feel like I have to like everyone, so why does everyone have to like me?
I guess it's because the people that I actively don't like (as in have a solid distaste for) are generally people who have proven, beyond a reasonable doubt, that they're a rotten person. I guess... even I'm guilty of disliking a few people based on assumptions and rumors. For example, there was this one girl in my high school. A lot of people said mean things about her, said that she was bitchy and a slut and all sorts of things, and I just bought into it. I didn't really know her, and she seemed pretty nice... but I just followed what other people said, no matter how wrong they may have been about her and no matter how much they might have been assuming or misinterpreting things about her that weren't really true. Just like people do to me.
And there are people who I don't like (as in, I don't like them but I don't dislike them.) and... well, I'm fine with people feeling that way about me. Mostly. I think that, if I knew that someone felt that way about me, I would try to make them like me. But, maybe not. I think Panda feels that way about me, but I haven't really gone out of my way to make her like me. Partially because I think it's impossible. Shei is about the only person in that age-range that I can relate to, and that's because we have so much in common. Panda and I are very different people, from what I've gathered.
So, I guess, I'm going to try to treat people more fairly, and I'm going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have a solid, proven, first-hand experience reason not to. That wont make people treat me the same way, and it wont make anyone like me any more, but at least I wont be a hypocrite.
I need to get back to this journal entry I'm supposed to be writing for stress and anxiety relief. - "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson. That's the quote I'm supposed to write about. Mostly it's just depressing because it makes me reflect on all the opportunities I've missed and generally what a failure I've let myself become.
Anyway, I'll rant about myself selfishly and stupidly some more later.
TL;DR:
People hate me for no reason. It sucks. I'm going to try to not do that. I'm a nice person and I try to go out of my way to be inoffensive. Also, I suck and there are plenty of other reasons for others to hate me and for me to seriously dislike myself. Which I do. /emorant.
P.S. I know how to do muck/mush code now. See?
Mittens Kurotsuchi(#1184M)
Type: THING Flags: MONITOR
Mittens is a young cat, just barely out of her kitten phase. She's a short haired tabby with exceptionally unique black markings set on a medium-brown background. Her tummy and paws are pristine and white, and her striking green eyes are outlined with a soft orange color. The word 'Mittens' is engraved on the silver heart charm that hangs from her blood red collar.%rYou can pet her, pick her up, help/make her dance, or pull on her (but I wouldn't recommend that last one.)
Owner: Nemu Key: Nemu(#268PXck) Hobo souls: 1
Zone: *NOTHING*
Powers:
Created: Fri Apr 11 23:21:08.64454 2008
Modified: Sat Apr 12 14:22:55.284713 2008
L.MITTENSQUOTE: ^*:@switch [rand(50)]=0,{@emit v([pickrand(lattr(me/d.mittensdo*))])}
D.MITTENSDO.1: Mittens lets out a quiet 'mew' of contentment.
D.MITTENSDO.0: Mittens tenderly licks her paws and begins to groom herself.
D.MITTENSDO.2: Mittens lets out a resounding 'ME-OW!' of defiance. Clearly something ticked her off.
D.MITTENSDO.3: Mittens parades around with a freshly caught mouse in the mouth. She's so proud!
D.MITTENSDO.4: Mittens yawns widely and curls up in a little ball for a nap.
D.MITTENSDO.5: Mittens' favorite people include: Nemu, Mayuri, Momo, Rikichi and Hanatarou.
D.MITTENSDO.6: Mittens rubs against the nearest solid object, petting herself.
CMD_PET: ^* pets Mittens*::purrs softly and arches her back for more attention.
CMD_PULL: ^* pulls Mittens*::lashes out and scratches the hell out of whoever dared abuse her in such a way.
CMD_DANCE: ^* Mittens dance*::is extremely annoyed but puts up with it.
CMD_PULL1: ^* pulls on Mittens*::lashes out and scratches the hell out of whoever dared abuse her in such a way.
CMD_PICK: ^* picks up Mittens*::seems extremely annoyed at first, but soon settles down and begins to purr.
No exits.
Home: Nemu(#268PXck)
Location: OOC Hell(#795RJ)