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[__green_eyes__]

Lying in bed with my face buried in the pillow when the phone rings. Right on my bedside table. I really don't want to answer it for a moment, really just want to leave it, curl up and leave it to ring and ring and ring until whoever it is leaves a message

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[bloom_gal]

It's so good to hear his voice

[__green_eyes__]

By this point I'm sitting in that position again with my knees pulled up infront of me, feet crossed over eachother, and my head against my knees, looking at the lumped scratches from earlier

[__green_eyes__]

"I really- I really think I might be going insane...nothing feels right anymore...I keep thinking everyone's looking at me or, Jake's going to hit me...I feel like just running away...I hardly sleep and- everytime I do I have dreams or nightmares. Christ, shut up Billy. When do you think you'll be back?"

[bloom_gal]

"As soon as i can." I whisper trying to conceal the shaking part of my voice that gives away that i am crying where i sit. "As soon as i can."
"Okay..."
"Will you still be there when i am? Or will you have run away...Please be there Billy....I need you to be there... I only look because i love you....Jakes not going to hit you.Everything....Everyhtigns goign to be okay ya hear?"
I draw in a shakey breath and close my eyes remembering how all my loved ones hurt themselves or try suicide, rememebr charlie sitting there with the blade in his hand about to do it before love interveened.....and it WAS love.
"Just...Don't....Don't cut yourself okay? I love you, and i need to hear that you wont from you....Billy please."

Subconciously my own hand closes about my wrist and i close my eyes tight.

[__green_eyes__]

I frown slightly out of confusion, fingernails absent mindedly scratching lightly accross the skin of my left arm.
"Orli I- I wasn't saying...saying you were wrong I was just remembering...I wasn't having a go...please...I said- I said it didn't matter anymore...it doesn't...it's fine...I was just remembering..."
"I just- I didn't want you to think-"
"I don't...I don't think...Hah, I never think, that's what got me here in the first place, right?"
I hope that will cause a laugh, and myself smile, but alas...
"Billy..."
"I'm joking, Orli...it was a joke...I make them sometimes...I'm not a completely lost cause, am I?"
"No, NO...you don't really think that do you? That 'not thinking' got you here?"
"Well...no...and yes...I mean- the number of people who told me to stay away from him in the beginning Orlando...and all the signs were there! I was 16 and he was 25...I was a virgin and he- he'd slept with half of Glasgow, you know? And he had a reputation- drugs, violence. I was stupid and I'm here now and it's my fault...doesn't make what

[bloom_gal]

"Your not stupid Bill." I sigh and rub my temple wondering where My Charlie is with the chips and sausages.
"The only STUPID thing you've ever done is underestimating me, and jake and all your friends who LOVE you. So much. If i could reach through the telelphone right now I'd slap you Billy Boyd..." i say softly, my tone not raised at all.
"And then kiss it better just to prove i can. We can help you- If you let us in..."

I remember photography is his passion.
"Do something you love......go take photos and I'll help howerver i can when im back."

[__green_eyes__]

"Don't you worry about helping, you're happy- it has to stay that way you hear? And I have been- bought a camera just the other day actually, beautiful nikon digital...took a few pictures, but I just- I don't really have the energy, and I ache all over so going out really hurts. I'm better just staying in bed, for now, I think. Are you having fun? God, I'd love to be back in the UK with you, just for a little while- I'd love to go to Glasgow..."

I trail off, a wistful silence, staring out of the window at a sky not Scottish. I love the people here- it's just the place...

"One day I will, you know? You said Charlie had gone out, where is he?"

[bloom_gal]

I'm sure you will.

"Oh i sent him packing down the laundrette." I say grinning into the phone. "....AND the fish and chip shop...No where does fish and chips like the Brits do hmm?"

I breathe out.
"I feel bad now, I should be sharing this happiness around and I'm storing it all to myself. He's perfect Bill."
"Whoa now Orli, steady on, No ones perfect."
"No...But he is...Hes perfect with all the little imperfections. I just know he wouldnt hurt me...I trust him....I can BREATHE. god...I can breathe."