Believe it or not, it's 100% true.
Credits to Suzy and Amanda for starting this "confessions" thing.
amanda m0ney: ok heres the rule.
amanda m0ney: u cant hold back.
amanda m0ney: ANYTHING.
I really respect Suzy and Amanda for being so brave and starting this new trend. We pour out all of our secrets onto one Xanga entry, and the only rules are that we can't hold back... anything. I know so many of you will look at me differently after reading this. Continue speaking to me or not, that is your choice, but I know who my real friends are.
I guess I should break the ice by telling you one of my biggest secrets. I'm not a virgin. Call me a whore and spit in my face, because that's what I want to do every single time I gaze into the mirror. I knew that if I ever had sex, it had to be with that one person, just him. I thought he was it. I thought we would stay together forever. That's the only reason I agreed to it. I cringe on the inside when I think about it. I take multiple baths and showers every day because I feel so dirty inside... I feel like such a whore. I know God has forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself. I don't think I ever will. The only people I've told this to are Suzy, Ian, Marc, and Tom. Forgive me, Amanda and Sujin. You guys are my *Gs, and I love you girls to death, but I felt intimidated by Amanda because she's so religious and I would feel like I'd committed a crime because we'd always talked about God together... and I figured Sujin would just say "eww", and make me feel like a whore. I'm sorry.
You have no idea how hard it was for me to type that.
I always act so confidently, saying stuff like "I'm so much cooler than you", but truthfully, the only person I have ever hated in my entire life is myself. There is one person whom I love so much, and the only thing I've ever wanted is just to save him, and I hate myself for trying so hard but not being able to. I come home and I see him bent over the toilet, eyes bloodshot and face red, and all I can do is crumble to my knees beside him and cry. I dab his face with a wet towel and force him to drink cold water, and he turns his drunk self to me and reveals his sober thoughts: "Don't cry over me, Ireen. I'm not worth crying over." It shouldn't be him, if anyone, if should be me... because I can't be his hero. I hate coming home because seeing him reminds me of how much of a failure I am. I just want his pain to disappear. Every night my emotions drown me to sleep as I cry and whisper under my breath "take it away, God, take it away..."
I've been abused my entire life. It's not that Asian kind, when the parent goes "get me the plastic bat so I can hit you :insert number here: times." No, it's just he punches me, throws me down to the ground and stomps on me repeatedly until I can't move. My mother and my brothers helplessly try to hold him back, but they can't. But that's not the secret. The secret is that every time my dad beats me, all I can think about is how much I just wish he would beat me to death and put me out of this misery. It's true... I just want to fucking die.
I really hate it when people tug at my bracelets or comment on their ridiculous number. It makes me feel so insecure. Stupid people, like I wear so many bracelets to be fashionable or something. It's just that fucking x-acto knife that sits on my nightstand. Ever since I promised Tom I'd never do it again, I've been fighting, just staring it down. I always felt so refreshed every time I made myself bleed. I'd just take it and go back and forth, back and forth, carving into my flesh and I just loved it. Then I'd look at it later and know that it's what I deserve. The scars are there to stay to remind myself of what I can't be.
I love Mellina, but she annoys me when she's around Joe because she acts like such a drama queen just so Joe can comfort her.
Peter is the only person I feel 150% comfortable telling everything to, because I know he can't and never would turn his back on me, because I'm his sister and he's stuck with me no matter what.
It hurts me when Peter gets drunk, because I feel like I should've taught him better and I know that he's better than that. I feel like I'm not strong enough to be there for him.
I wrote in my diary about 4 years ago, "When people make mistakes, they need to be forgiven." I want to forgive my dad, so badly... but I can't. I've tried so hard, and I hate myself for still holding his past actions against him because I know all people deserve to be forgiven.
I went to the wrong high school. I love my friends there, I love them to death, but sometimes I still feel like I don't belong. They talk about how they stayed up all night doing a lit essay and I just lack the motivation to do that. They criticize me for being so unmotivated and I hate it.
I was never a good student. The only reason I spent half my life burying my face in useless books was that other things were too painful to think about, and studying kept my mind off those things.
I feel so left out when my friends talk about their teachers at River Dell, because I feel so torn from a world I feel that I should be part of.
I had a lung tumor when I was 9, I almost died, and sometimes I wish I would have.
I only cry every time I watch Finding Nemo because I wish my dad were like Marlin.
As much as I pretend not to care, it hurts a little when James says he doesn't love me anymore, and it hurts to know that I don't love him anymore, because we were supposed to be forever.
I worry a lot about what colleges I'll get into, despite how lax I seem about it.
I exaggerate my shivers when I step into the cold so he could come and wrap his arms around me.
I carry the poem Tom wrote for me in my purse, because it talks about how much he appreciates my heart and me for who I am, rather than most other people who could only look at me as books and Bergen Academy.
I hurt Jason so much, and I will never forgive myself for it.
I want to live the life of a hermit so no one will ever shed another tear over me again, but I know I'll never survive.
Sometimes I feel jealous of Suzy and Ian because they're so close, and that was Ian and me once.
As much as I try to be happy for Tom because it's what he wants, I really really don't want him to go to Iraq because I'll miss him so much. Forgive me for being so selfish.
I really hate it when guys begin to like me as more than a friend, because it makes me feel guilty that I don't want to be their girlfriend and make them happy.
I would have committed suicide tonight if I hadn't talked to Tom or James, because they remind me that I really can make someone happy, or in James's case, used to make someone happy.
I was so overjoyed when Brian gave me the box of Caramel Delites today and forced me to eat the whole thing because "I need to gain weight".
I'm afraid to let certain people know that I care about them.
I make up imaginary people who piss me off, bitch at them and make up comebacks, like for example... girl: haha, go suck a dick, me: mm sure, I'll suck yours first, and lame stuff like that, because I know I could never bitch someone out in reality.
Sometimes, when I get really lonely, I sit in front of my guinea pig's cage and talk to him.
I blame everything on myself and feel guilty about it, even when I know it's not my fault.
I like to pretend I can do things, even though deep inside, I know I can't.
I feel like a failure when I eat, but I can't stop eating.
I miss feeling close to God.
I love ____, and I don't care how much people tell me it's wrong to love him because of the age difference, because well then, fuck it... I don't want to be right.
I feel like everyone from the DDR and ITG community has turned their back on me and gone to James, except for Marc, Sean, and Jason.
I have pictures of my best friends on my wall to remind me of what I live for.
I constantly think about the people I have hurt, and think about how much I would do to take all of it back.
I don't know why, but I always imagine one of my brothers dying, and I always cry because I don't know what I'd do without one of them.
It always breaks my heart to see someone living a difficult life, and then I curse myself because all I can do is feel sympathetic for them.
I have to admit that I can be dramatic and attention-whoring sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to be.
Sometimes I want people to feel bad for me, and I hate myself for it.
Although I make fun of fobs all the time, I feel so ashamed that I can't speak Korean well.
If you knew me in 8th grade, consider yourself lucky. 8th grade was when I was happiest with my life and myself until I hit rock bottom in my freshman year.
"I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving."
So I had such a shitty day today, I came home and just went straight to my room and began crying, desperately calling people, Sean, James, Tom, anyone. They cheered me up, Tom especially, they always do. My older brother came into my room and asked me if I was alright. He left the house and then called the house a few hours later, just to make sure I was doing okay. I love my older brother... if only I could save him.
The bottom line is, I hate myself... for who I am and for who I can't be.
amanda m0ney: ok heres the rule.
amanda m0ney: u cant hold back.
amanda m0ney: ANYTHING.
I really respect Suzy and Amanda for being so brave and starting this new trend. We pour out all of our secrets onto one Xanga entry, and the only rules are that we can't hold back... anything. I know so many of you will look at me differently after reading this. Continue speaking to me or not, that is your choice, but I know who my real friends are.
I guess I should break the ice by telling you one of my biggest secrets. I'm not a virgin. Call me a whore and spit in my face, because that's what I want to do every single time I gaze into the mirror. I knew that if I ever had sex, it had to be with that one person, just him. I thought he was it. I thought we would stay together forever. That's the only reason I agreed to it. I cringe on the inside when I think about it. I take multiple baths and showers every day because I feel so dirty inside... I feel like such a whore. I know God has forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself. I don't think I ever will. The only people I've told this to are Suzy, Ian, Marc, and Tom. Forgive me, Amanda and Sujin. You guys are my *Gs, and I love you girls to death, but I felt intimidated by Amanda because she's so religious and I would feel like I'd committed a crime because we'd always talked about God together... and I figured Sujin would just say "eww", and make me feel like a whore. I'm sorry.
You have no idea how hard it was for me to type that.
I always act so confidently, saying stuff like "I'm so much cooler than you", but truthfully, the only person I have ever hated in my entire life is myself. There is one person whom I love so much, and the only thing I've ever wanted is just to save him, and I hate myself for trying so hard but not being able to. I come home and I see him bent over the toilet, eyes bloodshot and face red, and all I can do is crumble to my knees beside him and cry. I dab his face with a wet towel and force him to drink cold water, and he turns his drunk self to me and reveals his sober thoughts: "Don't cry over me, Ireen. I'm not worth crying over." It shouldn't be him, if anyone, if should be me... because I can't be his hero. I hate coming home because seeing him reminds me of how much of a failure I am. I just want his pain to disappear. Every night my emotions drown me to sleep as I cry and whisper under my breath "take it away, God, take it away..."
I've been abused my entire life. It's not that Asian kind, when the parent goes "get me the plastic bat so I can hit you :insert number here: times." No, it's just he punches me, throws me down to the ground and stomps on me repeatedly until I can't move. My mother and my brothers helplessly try to hold him back, but they can't. But that's not the secret. The secret is that every time my dad beats me, all I can think about is how much I just wish he would beat me to death and put me out of this misery. It's true... I just want to fucking die.
I really hate it when people tug at my bracelets or comment on their ridiculous number. It makes me feel so insecure. Stupid people, like I wear so many bracelets to be fashionable or something. It's just that fucking x-acto knife that sits on my nightstand. Ever since I promised Tom I'd never do it again, I've been fighting, just staring it down. I always felt so refreshed every time I made myself bleed. I'd just take it and go back and forth, back and forth, carving into my flesh and I just loved it. Then I'd look at it later and know that it's what I deserve. The scars are there to stay to remind myself of what I can't be.
I love Mellina, but she annoys me when she's around Joe because she acts like such a drama queen just so Joe can comfort her.
Peter is the only person I feel 150% comfortable telling everything to, because I know he can't and never would turn his back on me, because I'm his sister and he's stuck with me no matter what.
It hurts me when Peter gets drunk, because I feel like I should've taught him better and I know that he's better than that. I feel like I'm not strong enough to be there for him.
I wrote in my diary about 4 years ago, "When people make mistakes, they need to be forgiven." I want to forgive my dad, so badly... but I can't. I've tried so hard, and I hate myself for still holding his past actions against him because I know all people deserve to be forgiven.
I went to the wrong high school. I love my friends there, I love them to death, but sometimes I still feel like I don't belong. They talk about how they stayed up all night doing a lit essay and I just lack the motivation to do that. They criticize me for being so unmotivated and I hate it.
I was never a good student. The only reason I spent half my life burying my face in useless books was that other things were too painful to think about, and studying kept my mind off those things.
I feel so left out when my friends talk about their teachers at River Dell, because I feel so torn from a world I feel that I should be part of.
I had a lung tumor when I was 9, I almost died, and sometimes I wish I would have.
I only cry every time I watch Finding Nemo because I wish my dad were like Marlin.
As much as I pretend not to care, it hurts a little when James says he doesn't love me anymore, and it hurts to know that I don't love him anymore, because we were supposed to be forever.
I worry a lot about what colleges I'll get into, despite how lax I seem about it.
I exaggerate my shivers when I step into the cold so he could come and wrap his arms around me.
I carry the poem Tom wrote for me in my purse, because it talks about how much he appreciates my heart and me for who I am, rather than most other people who could only look at me as books and Bergen Academy.
I hurt Jason so much, and I will never forgive myself for it.
I want to live the life of a hermit so no one will ever shed another tear over me again, but I know I'll never survive.
Sometimes I feel jealous of Suzy and Ian because they're so close, and that was Ian and me once.
As much as I try to be happy for Tom because it's what he wants, I really really don't want him to go to Iraq because I'll miss him so much. Forgive me for being so selfish.
I really hate it when guys begin to like me as more than a friend, because it makes me feel guilty that I don't want to be their girlfriend and make them happy.
I would have committed suicide tonight if I hadn't talked to Tom or James, because they remind me that I really can make someone happy, or in James's case, used to make someone happy.
I was so overjoyed when Brian gave me the box of Caramel Delites today and forced me to eat the whole thing because "I need to gain weight".
I'm afraid to let certain people know that I care about them.
I make up imaginary people who piss me off, bitch at them and make up comebacks, like for example... girl: haha, go suck a dick, me: mm sure, I'll suck yours first, and lame stuff like that, because I know I could never bitch someone out in reality.
Sometimes, when I get really lonely, I sit in front of my guinea pig's cage and talk to him.
I blame everything on myself and feel guilty about it, even when I know it's not my fault.
I like to pretend I can do things, even though deep inside, I know I can't.
I feel like a failure when I eat, but I can't stop eating.
I miss feeling close to God.
I love ____, and I don't care how much people tell me it's wrong to love him because of the age difference, because well then, fuck it... I don't want to be right.
I feel like everyone from the DDR and ITG community has turned their back on me and gone to James, except for Marc, Sean, and Jason.
I have pictures of my best friends on my wall to remind me of what I live for.
I constantly think about the people I have hurt, and think about how much I would do to take all of it back.
I don't know why, but I always imagine one of my brothers dying, and I always cry because I don't know what I'd do without one of them.
It always breaks my heart to see someone living a difficult life, and then I curse myself because all I can do is feel sympathetic for them.
I have to admit that I can be dramatic and attention-whoring sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to be.
Sometimes I want people to feel bad for me, and I hate myself for it.
Although I make fun of fobs all the time, I feel so ashamed that I can't speak Korean well.
If you knew me in 8th grade, consider yourself lucky. 8th grade was when I was happiest with my life and myself until I hit rock bottom in my freshman year.
"I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving."
So I had such a shitty day today, I came home and just went straight to my room and began crying, desperately calling people, Sean, James, Tom, anyone. They cheered me up, Tom especially, they always do. My older brother came into my room and asked me if I was alright. He left the house and then called the house a few hours later, just to make sure I was doing okay. I love my older brother... if only I could save him.
The bottom line is, I hate myself... for who I am and for who I can't be.