take. me. out.
it's the end of an era.
it's the end of time as we know it
we sat around for awhile in the pastery shop and then her bed room floor. it was finally just the three of us again like it used to be, before the summer started. and we talked happily and tried on things we didn't think would fit and not even their brother was home and it felt so strange and quiet and complete. twenty scrabble points is the same as the word 'divine'. eventually their parents went to bed and we stayed up talking until her sister did too and then it was just the two of us. like it was even before it was the twelve of us and that was even after it was the three of us and that was a long time ago. she put on 'so if you're lonely//i'm just a cross hair//i'm just a shot away from you' and we sat on her bed with our heads out the window blowing smoke rings and yeah. it was everything that we said we wanted to be and it wasn't so different from what we used to be anyway. and she is so beautiful and says the most beautiful things and everything about her is just filled up with it. but sometimes it's hard for people to see. and we areally are best friends. and that's just the strange thing about it. we stayed up all night long and it's funny because the things she said didn't seem to sound so differnet from the things i used to think. but god. she handles herself so well. and yeah. we both really miss him.
and earlier that day. i took the 'R' to prince street and walked down to canal. and i still remember when this girl asked me to be her friend way back in september. and she's that cute little asian punk rock - pop rocks queen stopping in the chessey jewlery stores and speaking loudly about our boyfriends and we bought matching 'lyk ohhhhh emmmmmm geeeeeeee besttesties frendleies 4 evas!' necklesses with little rainbows and clouds. and she got 'best' and i got 'friend' and i realized exactly how lucky i am to even to have met to people this amazing in one year. and we walked downtown and things got quieter as we waited in the hospital waiting room, feelingsort of young and dumb and talking about sex. and i don't know. did you really ever stop to think of what 'fifteen' felt like before you were in it?
and of course there's always hima nd his late night drinking habits and fake ID and all of our unfinnished business. and theres me with my sick need for stability and my insane moldibilidy and the fact that i can't hang up on the telephone. and he was so drunk. and amanda and daphnie just sat there staring at me talk on the phone to him. and the first few words were just so. they were the book marks and post it notes. they were those few fucking lines on napkin 'i don't care who's at the edgeof my pillow any more//i just want to kiss you in a different language' and. there is also the fact that we aren't dating, that he is 18 and i am so in love with someone else. but. we are never going to stand anywhere clear. i guess. until with go throught the motions and. and the disapoint ment sets in and we can move on. but those are all really hard things to bring about. i talked to paul from califonia and he didn't make anything any clearer.
so yeah. this. this season and absense and love and loss and hope and fear. this friday, saturday, sunday, monday. this is the end of an era. this is the beginng of something new. a test.
and i'm starting tothink. i'm a little expanded. i'm a little dry deep down in my throat. i'm sort of needing someone to just hold me like before. and these sylabols are rough.
love. or something unbareably close to it.