i need you to read this
so i know livejournal is apparently dead and doesn't exist anymore, especially this one considering that the last time i wrote was in february, but it doesn't matter because i need to write this. the reason why i'm writing this in this journal is because ive sort of already written something like this in my other one, and because this journal not too many people have on their friends page so some true friends and then a few shitheads will be able to find this and read it versus the whole fucking world. i've really screwed up. badly. my life is not how it used to be. i am not at all the same kaitlin i was a year ago or even a month ago. there are literally three people who really know what has happened to me besides the actual people involved. you may think you are one of them chances are you aren't. i've been very upset and negative and hurt pretty much this entire summer. i am not trying to be so called emo im not trying to get any form of sympathy, because i know people say that and don't mean it, i do. my life is fucked and hearing you tell me i'm sorry doesn't change anything and it doesn't make it better, so don't. but i am gone. and im not coming back. i blame myself for a lot of it, not all of it, but i am truly and completely worn out and done. everyone this time has fucked up more than most people can only this time i've been the leader. ive realized my comfort and what i want doesn't matter, im not in any way being sarcastic, i guess in the big scheme of things it doesnt and my "happiness" as they say, it doesn't matter either. so because of that i am not happy. im not. and im not going to pretend like i am. you could say im being overdramatic, maybe, but you don't know. and what does it matter? you'll judge me anyways won't you? i am not getting anything out of life anymore, it's really sad, but i smile and i laugh and i try to be strong but we all know that i'm not and that when i'm not around you and that underneath it all i'm dieing. i basicaly threw out my life. i don't think people are supposed to feel pain like this. it's not just one aspect of my life its everywhere and its getting harder to handle. i don't know what this means to you, i don't even full yknow what i'm trying to say, besides i guess im sorry. im sorry i dont know how to handle my pain im sorry that you all hate me for that. i kind of don't care about the people who make an effort and try to talk to me but only when im upset. im not sorry to you at all. im not sorry if i brought your summer down because its brought me down. don't let me affect you if that's what i'm doing. i'm not even sorry for those of you who i have completely lied to, i need to protect myself and sorry to be selfish but thats more important that satisfying your needs. i have made a lot of people hate me and im not even sorry for that because if you hate me your not worth my time. im sorry to some though. im sorry for leaving some of you behind and getting caught up in whats happened to me, i'm really sorry that i made you loose me, even if you wanted to loose me all along, im sorry that it happened because i didn't want to loose you. i'm sorry to my best friends, the real ones, you know who you are, the ones who have tried putting up with this. im sorry that i cant change and that you tried. mostly im just sorry that i did this too myself. ive kind of basically locked myself in a prison. i dont really know what else im saying, this isnt like some form of suicide note, im just sincerely unhappy and im apologizing to the ones who count for it. im really sorry. just don't forgive me. i don't want to be forgiven.
sincerely, kaitlin