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so i've got a half hour to kill so i figured id sit & update this thing for a bit.. too lazy to create paragraphs and fluent thoughts though, so you get bullets
edit; i added more stuff. so if you read this already uhm. check again? haha.

i, rachel kossman, managed a beautiful A on my bestsellers midterm. it was a 20 page paper, and i kicked its ass. im so proud of myself - i KNOW this guy doesnt just hand out A's [the third year girl who normally sits next to me for sure got a B] & im just really excited. that & its 40% of my grade, so assuming i get at least a B on the final [the same format, another 20 pager] im pretty set.

ive decided to look into switching roommates. mine drives me crazy. for one, she smokes cigarettes, which i can not deal with, and she comes back to the room REEKiNG, which then makes my towel & clothes smell of smoke. she has horrid BO, which overtakes the room & she then attempts to cover up with the most disgustingly strong perfume.. its really nasty. our room is stuffy & small enough, i dont need those three smells mixing and making me want to barf - i literally sit at my desk holding my nose til she leaves & i can spray my damn febreeze. she also has THE worst sleeping habits - she sleeps until at least 12 or 1 every day, and when i come back from class at 10;30 or 11;30 i have to tip toe around, when i want to turn on the light, eat my cereal & do some work. she then stays out until 2 or 3 in the morning, and comes back and wakes me up. its frustrating as hell, and i really hate it. anways, the process is probably not the easiest, but with some help of friends & hopefully a close-ish new room i can manage, and they said they could try and rent me a wheeling bin, so at least that would help. i guess well see.. there are other details & risks, if she finds out & i dont switch in the end, she could be offended & bitter, and i dont know what to do with our micro fridge, which we ended up spending $100 each on. i also realized that one of the things i was most looking forward to about college is dorm life and a roommmate, i had this dream of being best friends with my roomie & the girls on my floor, and while obviously dreams dont work out the way we want them to a lot of the time, it would be nice to at least have a floor where people invited me into their rooms or were nice.. i mean, there are a few girls ive had conversations with, but not many, and i really want that. not that switching floors or roommies will guarantee that, but its a start at least.. its just a lot to figure out, but i hope to get an appointment with my RD or RA soon.

had a sex talk in college intro today - was thoroughly disappointed that we didnt get free condoms, freaking not fair man. the lady kept telling us how wonderful masturbation is... she was old & kind of weird, i bet she was someones grandma, how terrible is that knowing that your grandma goes around talking about masturbation and condom use?

in exactly two weeks i will either be at LMU chillin with jenni [im going to try my hardest to go standby on the 8 AM out of boston] or in the air enroute to the wonderful los angeles. i really miss home & im so excited to see all my lovers, my family &, most importantly, eat some freaking in n out. so if your still in LA or will be in LA for break hit me up & make plans - ive got very little time, but i want to see as many people as possible.

things with jason seem to get more complicated as time goes on. at first i thought it was simple - i ran back to him, poured my heart out, and if he wanted a long distance relationship we were set & back together. now im not so sure its that simple. for one, i realized that a lot of why i ran back to him was my own insecurities. since freshman year, ive dated someone consistently. even if that relationship was drama filled and crazy, it was there and it was something to focus on, and since ive never had that not to focus on, its hard.. being single. which i hate saying, but its true. i also just dont know if he can give me what i need. physically, obviously, because hes not here, but even in a nonsexual way - i really just need someone to hold my hand and cuddle with me and kiss me like they love me... but i also need someone to support me. life is good here, but its rough, and i could really use that support right now. i guess im also realizing that i really just, more than anything, want his friendship in my life, so desperately that i pushed really hard for him to be back in touch with me. i thought i could fall back on him, and it turns out i couldnt, and that sucked. hes struggling to let me back in, and its hard. so im trying to take some steps back & let him come to me, but its hard. and his struggle to talk to me & even just be my friend plants even more doubt in my mind.. i dont even know. its all so up in the air and frustrating and confusing. i know that if i was in davis or if he were in boston, or even if i were in LA while he was at davis or he were in NY while i was in boston it could work, we would be together.. but 3000 miles & a 3 hour time change is really hard, and i just dont know if its worth the strain, if we could deal with the strain. i mean, part of me feels like once we made the commitment we could deal with it, itd just be rough obviously, but i dont know, its hard to know for sure. plus theres the whole your missing out on opportunities.. its all the exact same arguments i had months ago, its the same struggle, and i guess the fact that they've all resurfaced could be a sign that being apart is wrong for us. because i do love him. i love him so much. but i also know that in a lot of circumstances, love isnt enough, and its that part of it that just sucks. anyways, well have to wait & see. we said wed see each other at thanksgiving, but weve made no specific plans whatsoever... sigh.

i get to pick classes friday at 11, but i have class til 11;30 so im hoping i can get out early or at least as close to to 11 as i can. ideally, im looking at taking Journalism 1, Natural Disasters, Chinese, the Rise & Fall of Cities & Suburbs & Intro to Co-op. Journ 1 & Intro im already set for, and Chinese looks good as far as seats open [seniors, juniors, middlers & sophmores register before freshman, so we get last pick in terms of classes, the portal has been open since monday...] i keep checking back, and there are only 5 spots left in cities/suburbs, so im looking at an intro to law, policy & society instead, since that would also fill my historical/ethical perspective requirement. Natural disasters is a huge class & there are still more than 200 seats left, so i should be set for that, and it fills my science requirement, so thats really nice that i dont have to take a lab... hah. anyways, friday afternoon i should know my classes, so ill post it up here. assuming i get what i really want, my only hell day would be thursday, with three classes back to back. i am, unfortunately, stuck in an 8AM on tuesdays & fridays, but i guess thats life.

its raining out today, and i love how drenched campus is. i guess the part of the rain is that i know the next day or the day after will be clear, crisp and gorgeous. i love days like that. im really loving the weather here - i feel so much happier with the mid-fifties than the mid-nineties..

i love my wife. like, weve been talking SO much lately, and it makes me happier than i could EVER express. i love that girl to DEATH, goodness. she seriously completes me. we just spent an hour on the phone just like, laughing our asses off at each other. its such a stress reliever, i love it. & her. ♥

it is now time for dinner, top model & one tree hill with the lovely rach me to get some sleep, so im going to end this baby...

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