(no subject)
please don't read this if you don't want...it's graphic.
!!!
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. Of course, I never tried, but I thought about it a lot. I would pretend that the only reason I didn’t actually swim through the ocean was because I was afraid someone would see me, and since my amazing ability to swim was a secret, it would be revealed. And that could never, never happen.
I’m boy crazy. I always have been, and I always will be. There’s just...something about them. Boys, I mean. Something that I can never get enough of. I don’t know if I’m getting through to you, but I’m sure there’s someone out there somewhere who understands what I’m talking about. It can’t be that difficult. I just...I love boys. I am boy crazy. But it’s really tough to get the boys to be crazy about me. I usually just end up getting hurt. The last boyfriend I had went on for about a week before he dumped me. His name was Charlie and we don’t speak anymore.
People tell me that I’m never going to get a good boyfriend, but I can’t believe that. I’m having trouble believing lots of things right now. Especially things that should be crystal clear. I don’t know...call me weird if you like but I just haven’t been the same since Charlie. It’s only been about a month, and a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about him. I hate him, but on the inside I still have some sort of feelings for him. I did really like him.
!!!
Wake up. Work. That’s my day. It’s too routine. I love photography, but it pays horribly and it can be really boring at times. Yes. I’m a photographer. I’m freelance and I just take pictures of things that interest me and sell them off of my website to newspapers and other websites and such. I don’t make very much money, which is too bad since it means I don’t get out much with friends. Not that I have that many friends.
I have lived in the same house since I was born. Many would call it a beach house, but I just call it home. It’s right by the ocean, on the top of a big cliff that leads right down to the ocean. Many a night I’ll just sit on the edge of the cliff and look up at the stars and look down to the ocean. I’ve been doing it since I was four or something and it’s my absolute favorite thing to do now. The best pictures I’ve ever taken and the ones that have sold the best are ones I’ve taken while sitting there on that cliff. And as for the house, it’s lovely. My parents moved out once I got back from college, and basically gave it to me. I live alone; I never had any brothers or sisters. But I like living alone. It means things go according to my rules, and it really works out for me most of the time. There are times when I’m lonely and sad, but that usually passes quickly enough. Except for the boys. They always make me sad and that sadness stays for as long as it likes.
!!!
I met the cutest boy today! I was asleep and he came to the door and I jumped up to get it. He was tall and had dark hair and said his name was Alex. He looked really sweet, and he asked if I could take some pictures for him and I said I would. He wants some really nice pictures of the ocean, which should be easy enough for me. He smiled at me and I think he thought I was cute. He was so nice and I swore I could have died when he smiled at me. I gave him my number and told him to call me if he needed anything else. I shut the door after he left and screamed and jumped around laughing.
!!!
I’ve spent the last few days taking tons of pictures for Alex. I’ve gone through almost four rolls of film, and I’ve picked out all the best pictures. Of course most of the best are from my little spot on the cliff. I knew that those would be the best pictures going into it. I really hope he likes them! I feel so attached to this boy already, though I don’t know scarcely anything about him. I hope I get to know him better.
I realized today why no guy will ever like me. I’m hideous. I was looking into the mirror today putting on eyeliner and I just gasped. I wish I was prettier, like those girls in the magazines and such. I got so upset I threw the eyeliner at the mirror and it shattered into a million pieces. I half wished a small piece of the mirror would fly up and jab me in the eye, just so I’d never have to look at myself again. I hate when things like this happen. I tend to freak out over little things very randomly. People have always assumed there was something wrong with me, but I’d like to think there isn’t.
!!!
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself.
Alex came back today to pick up the pictures. He took a quick look at them while he was here, and he said he was pretty impressed. God, how my heart jumped when he said that! He kept smiling at me, and then finally when he left, he said “Say, would it be okay if I called you sometime and we hung out for a bit?” I said that would be fine, and he smiled and said “Then you’ll be getting a phone call from me soon.” Oh God, I could have just died! I stayed up almost the whole night just thinking about him. He was really hot. Would he really call me?
When I did fall asleep, I had a dream that Alex and I were sitting down at the beach, and he was holding me and stroking my hair, and I kissed him and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my whole life. Then it started raining, and we danced around on the beach as the raindrops touched our noses.
Life is sweet sometimes.
!!!
Alex called the very next day and asked if he could come over. Of course, I said yes and he was over in about thirty minutes. We sat there in my room, and talked on my bed about all sorts of things. Same-sex marriages, and the beach, and TV and magazines and such. It was really nice, and we had a drink, and then we took a drive and went out to dinner. The entire time I had to keep myself from saying something really stupid because I was so smitten with him. And when it was finally time for him to drop me off at home, I could hardly stand myself, and I leaned over in the car and give him a quick kiss on the lips. His lips were warm; I could almost taste the Vodka off his lips from after dinner. But I made it brief since it was only our first date and then said goodbye and got out of the car and walked over and went in my house. I got inside and started jumping up and down and laughing. I did it. I went on a date with Alex. I kissed him. That was all me and nobody else. For the first time I felt like I was one of those girls on the front of a magazine.
!!!
I have decided that I am in love with Alex. I don’t know...there’s something about him and I feel more for him than I felt for Charlie, or any other boy. He’s so nice...almost eerily nice. He compliments me and kisses my cheek and tells me I’m gorgeous. The one thing he hasn’t said yet is that he loves me, though. I wish he’d just tell me he loved me so I could know for sure.
!!!
Several days have gone by and I haven’t heard anything from him. He told me he’d call for another date, but it’s been almost a week. I miss the sound of his voice. And not seeing him, that’s almost unbearable. But I don’t know his number so I have no way of calling him. I guess I’ll just have to wait it out.
In the meantime, I’ve been taking very few pictures. I now spend my afternoons drinking lemonade on my back porch and thinking about things. Alex, my cliff, my career as a photographer. There are lots of things going on in my life right now that I need to just think about.
I went to the movies yesterday. I sat in the movie theater and in the row in front of me a boy and a girl started kissing. I watched as the boy then moved his hand up the girl’s shirt, slowly moving his hand back and forth, back and forth. The girl reached for his hand, tried pulling it away, but with his other hand, the boy held her hand. He made it seem like it was okay. I heard the unzipping of jeans and soon the girl had tears coming down from her eyes, trying hard not to start sobbing loudly so that the whole audience saw. It was embarrassing, I’m sure. The boy’s fingers moving in, out, in, out, over and over, the mouths still pressed together. The boy bent his head down for a few moments, and the girl’s eyes produced more and more tears. After a few seconds, the boy lifted his head back up, zipped up the girls pants, and she walked out. Nothing had happened. Nothing at all.
I guess there are some advantages to never having a boyfriend. And thank God Alex isn’t like that. I mean, he likes me so much! He’d never do that.
!!!
After another week of painful waiting, he called. I love him so much. He said “Hi Jen” in his sweet voice. Asked me if I wanted to do something that night. I told him I’d love to. He said he’d come and pick me up at 8:00 and I said that was great. He told me he had a surprise for me.
The day went by very, very long. I sat and drank my lemonade and thought about my gorgeous boyfriend. He was my boyfriend, wasn’t he? This would be our second date. We obviously liked each other very much. I just assumed he was my boyfriend, and I, his girlfriend. And that was that.
I wore my old pink dress that night. The one with the bows around the bottom. I loved that dress with all my heart and I was overjoyed to look at myself in the mirror with it on. Alex came, and I got in his car, careful not to tear my dress. He said I looked amazing, and I smiled and said that he did, too. We drove for a long time, and every time I asked him where we were going, he’d say “now if I told you, would it be a very good surprise?” That would shut me up for about twenty minutes. Finally, we got to this big open field. The grass smelled of summer, and there were flowers growing, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Where are we?” I asked him, and he just smiled back and said “Pretend this is heaven, because that’s what it feels like for me.” We sat in the back of his truck, and looked up at the stars that seemed to flicker on and off, and move around like little butterflies. Someone up there must be watching us and smiling, I thought. Alex got up, and said “Miss Jen, could I have the privilege of a dance?” I got out of the truck, and let him hold me, and we danced. We danced all through the field, pretending we were at some elegant ball with fancy music and everything. He held me like I was a princess, and there was nothing I could do to wipe the biggest smile off my face. He was mine, and he loved me. Even if he wouldn’t say it, he loved me. I knew it.
After hours of dancing, and talking and laughing, he said it was time I should be getting home. He drove me home, and we were silent the whole way home. When we got home, I got out of the car, but before he could drive away, I ran to the driver side and opened the door. “Now I have a surprise” I told him. He followed me, and I took him to my little spot on the cliff. The stars were so bright. We sat there, and talked. I held his hand, and he didn’t pull away. We sat there, our legs dangling over the edge, for hours. He told me that if he could, he would go up into space, and bring me back the moon. I was surprised to find myself weeping. He asked what was wrong, and I said that this shouldn’t be happening. He was too beautiful. I was too....too me. I was so happy and I was crying. I can be pretty dumb sometime.
Finally we got bored, and I told him to wait, and I ran inside and got my camera. I took a couple pictures of him, then a couple pictures of him and me. And then, I kissed him. At first it was supposed to be one of those ten seconds things, for I am not very good at kissing. But slowly it became something more. I put my arm around him, and he put his hand in my hair and we kissed like that for almost half an hour without moving or anything, just grateful that we had each other right there and then.
I love him.
!!!
I got all the pictures I took of him developed, and I put them all up on my wall. On some of them I wrote things, others I just left blank. I now have almost thirty pictures of Alex up on my wall, and I like it a lot. This way I can think about him with a good visual. And when I miss him a lot, I just kiss the pictures.
!!!
Alex called me and asked if he could come over. I said sure. It was late...almost midnight. I hadn’t seen Alex for almost three days though, so I said it was fine. He came over, and we just talked for a bit. I poured him some wine, and poured myself some. For some reason, I was in a drinking mood. I had almost three glasses of wine when Alex finished his first. Soon I was up to six glasses, and ready to just pass out right there. That was when Alex kissed me. I wasn’t like last night, it was forceful, but I liked it. It reminded me of Charlie, and even though that wasn’t a great thing, it was nice. After a few minutes he stopped, and said “can we take this into your room?” Me, being in the state I was, said yes. I was actually kind of excited. We went into my room, and began kissing on my bed. Really kissing. I had never kissed a boy like this, and it was very nice. After a while, he stuck his hand up my shirt. His hands were cold, even over my bra. I tried to get his hand out of my shirt, but he was stronger. He held my hand down, and tore off my bra. I started to cry. He ripped off my shirt, and I could feel the wind from my open window. He touched my chest, harder and faster, and then unzipped my pants. Why was he doing this? I cried harder and harder, barely even knowing what was going on. I felt his cold hand inside me, moving in, out, in out, faster and faster until I felt a twinge of pleasure. But it was unwanted. I hadn’t expected this, and this wasn’t the way I had wanted it to first happen. I started hitting him, screaming, but he just slapped me and held my hands down again. He put his head down, and I could feel his warm mouth pressing against me. Over, and over, it felt as though the devil himself was touching me. Finally he stood up, unzipped his pants fast, and took off his underwear. And he jumped on me, and stuck himself inside. I don’t know how long it lasted, but it hurt like hell. I was screaming and trying to break free, and all the while this was this small pleasure down there, but nothing compared to what he was probably feeling, that pig. I was almost dying, just waiting for it to end. I wanted to scream out “I LOVE YOU ALEX, I LOVE YOU!” but I had had too many drinks for that. I cried harder, screamed, but he kept pushing into me farther. Finally, he stopped. I felt the liquid drain out of him, and he got up. Said he was sorry. He wanted me to forget it. Then he was gone.
I sat up, hardly able to move. I was hysterical. And there was semen all over my bed, and I just looked down at myself and cried. I tore all the pictures off my wall, tried so hard to forget about what had just happened. But it was no use. He had used me. But I had loved him. Didn’t he understand that?
I didn’t even bother cleaning up. I lay down, half naked, and fell asleep.
!!!
The next morning I spent crying. I broke every mirror in my house until finally my fists were bleeding so much and there was so much glass inside my hands that I had to stop. I went outside with some lemonade and sat down and thought. About Alex. About what had happened. I hated him.
!!!
That night, I went down to the beach. I sat there for hours, listening to the lull of the ocean, wishing I was anybody else.
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. When morning came, and I was still sitting on the beach, I walked into the water. Finally it was up to my neck, and I was freezing, but I began to swim. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t stop until I reached that horizon.
!!!
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. Of course, I never tried, but I thought about it a lot. I would pretend that the only reason I didn’t actually swim through the ocean was because I was afraid someone would see me, and since my amazing ability to swim was a secret, it would be revealed. And that could never, never happen.
I’m boy crazy. I always have been, and I always will be. There’s just...something about them. Boys, I mean. Something that I can never get enough of. I don’t know if I’m getting through to you, but I’m sure there’s someone out there somewhere who understands what I’m talking about. It can’t be that difficult. I just...I love boys. I am boy crazy. But it’s really tough to get the boys to be crazy about me. I usually just end up getting hurt. The last boyfriend I had went on for about a week before he dumped me. His name was Charlie and we don’t speak anymore.
People tell me that I’m never going to get a good boyfriend, but I can’t believe that. I’m having trouble believing lots of things right now. Especially things that should be crystal clear. I don’t know...call me weird if you like but I just haven’t been the same since Charlie. It’s only been about a month, and a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about him. I hate him, but on the inside I still have some sort of feelings for him. I did really like him.
!!!
Wake up. Work. That’s my day. It’s too routine. I love photography, but it pays horribly and it can be really boring at times. Yes. I’m a photographer. I’m freelance and I just take pictures of things that interest me and sell them off of my website to newspapers and other websites and such. I don’t make very much money, which is too bad since it means I don’t get out much with friends. Not that I have that many friends.
I have lived in the same house since I was born. Many would call it a beach house, but I just call it home. It’s right by the ocean, on the top of a big cliff that leads right down to the ocean. Many a night I’ll just sit on the edge of the cliff and look up at the stars and look down to the ocean. I’ve been doing it since I was four or something and it’s my absolute favorite thing to do now. The best pictures I’ve ever taken and the ones that have sold the best are ones I’ve taken while sitting there on that cliff. And as for the house, it’s lovely. My parents moved out once I got back from college, and basically gave it to me. I live alone; I never had any brothers or sisters. But I like living alone. It means things go according to my rules, and it really works out for me most of the time. There are times when I’m lonely and sad, but that usually passes quickly enough. Except for the boys. They always make me sad and that sadness stays for as long as it likes.
!!!
I met the cutest boy today! I was asleep and he came to the door and I jumped up to get it. He was tall and had dark hair and said his name was Alex. He looked really sweet, and he asked if I could take some pictures for him and I said I would. He wants some really nice pictures of the ocean, which should be easy enough for me. He smiled at me and I think he thought I was cute. He was so nice and I swore I could have died when he smiled at me. I gave him my number and told him to call me if he needed anything else. I shut the door after he left and screamed and jumped around laughing.
!!!
I’ve spent the last few days taking tons of pictures for Alex. I’ve gone through almost four rolls of film, and I’ve picked out all the best pictures. Of course most of the best are from my little spot on the cliff. I knew that those would be the best pictures going into it. I really hope he likes them! I feel so attached to this boy already, though I don’t know scarcely anything about him. I hope I get to know him better.
I realized today why no guy will ever like me. I’m hideous. I was looking into the mirror today putting on eyeliner and I just gasped. I wish I was prettier, like those girls in the magazines and such. I got so upset I threw the eyeliner at the mirror and it shattered into a million pieces. I half wished a small piece of the mirror would fly up and jab me in the eye, just so I’d never have to look at myself again. I hate when things like this happen. I tend to freak out over little things very randomly. People have always assumed there was something wrong with me, but I’d like to think there isn’t.
!!!
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself.
Alex came back today to pick up the pictures. He took a quick look at them while he was here, and he said he was pretty impressed. God, how my heart jumped when he said that! He kept smiling at me, and then finally when he left, he said “Say, would it be okay if I called you sometime and we hung out for a bit?” I said that would be fine, and he smiled and said “Then you’ll be getting a phone call from me soon.” Oh God, I could have just died! I stayed up almost the whole night just thinking about him. He was really hot. Would he really call me?
When I did fall asleep, I had a dream that Alex and I were sitting down at the beach, and he was holding me and stroking my hair, and I kissed him and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my whole life. Then it started raining, and we danced around on the beach as the raindrops touched our noses.
Life is sweet sometimes.
!!!
Alex called the very next day and asked if he could come over. Of course, I said yes and he was over in about thirty minutes. We sat there in my room, and talked on my bed about all sorts of things. Same-sex marriages, and the beach, and TV and magazines and such. It was really nice, and we had a drink, and then we took a drive and went out to dinner. The entire time I had to keep myself from saying something really stupid because I was so smitten with him. And when it was finally time for him to drop me off at home, I could hardly stand myself, and I leaned over in the car and give him a quick kiss on the lips. His lips were warm; I could almost taste the Vodka off his lips from after dinner. But I made it brief since it was only our first date and then said goodbye and got out of the car and walked over and went in my house. I got inside and started jumping up and down and laughing. I did it. I went on a date with Alex. I kissed him. That was all me and nobody else. For the first time I felt like I was one of those girls on the front of a magazine.
!!!
I have decided that I am in love with Alex. I don’t know...there’s something about him and I feel more for him than I felt for Charlie, or any other boy. He’s so nice...almost eerily nice. He compliments me and kisses my cheek and tells me I’m gorgeous. The one thing he hasn’t said yet is that he loves me, though. I wish he’d just tell me he loved me so I could know for sure.
!!!
Several days have gone by and I haven’t heard anything from him. He told me he’d call for another date, but it’s been almost a week. I miss the sound of his voice. And not seeing him, that’s almost unbearable. But I don’t know his number so I have no way of calling him. I guess I’ll just have to wait it out.
In the meantime, I’ve been taking very few pictures. I now spend my afternoons drinking lemonade on my back porch and thinking about things. Alex, my cliff, my career as a photographer. There are lots of things going on in my life right now that I need to just think about.
I went to the movies yesterday. I sat in the movie theater and in the row in front of me a boy and a girl started kissing. I watched as the boy then moved his hand up the girl’s shirt, slowly moving his hand back and forth, back and forth. The girl reached for his hand, tried pulling it away, but with his other hand, the boy held her hand. He made it seem like it was okay. I heard the unzipping of jeans and soon the girl had tears coming down from her eyes, trying hard not to start sobbing loudly so that the whole audience saw. It was embarrassing, I’m sure. The boy’s fingers moving in, out, in, out, over and over, the mouths still pressed together. The boy bent his head down for a few moments, and the girl’s eyes produced more and more tears. After a few seconds, the boy lifted his head back up, zipped up the girls pants, and she walked out. Nothing had happened. Nothing at all.
I guess there are some advantages to never having a boyfriend. And thank God Alex isn’t like that. I mean, he likes me so much! He’d never do that.
!!!
After another week of painful waiting, he called. I love him so much. He said “Hi Jen” in his sweet voice. Asked me if I wanted to do something that night. I told him I’d love to. He said he’d come and pick me up at 8:00 and I said that was great. He told me he had a surprise for me.
The day went by very, very long. I sat and drank my lemonade and thought about my gorgeous boyfriend. He was my boyfriend, wasn’t he? This would be our second date. We obviously liked each other very much. I just assumed he was my boyfriend, and I, his girlfriend. And that was that.
I wore my old pink dress that night. The one with the bows around the bottom. I loved that dress with all my heart and I was overjoyed to look at myself in the mirror with it on. Alex came, and I got in his car, careful not to tear my dress. He said I looked amazing, and I smiled and said that he did, too. We drove for a long time, and every time I asked him where we were going, he’d say “now if I told you, would it be a very good surprise?” That would shut me up for about twenty minutes. Finally, we got to this big open field. The grass smelled of summer, and there were flowers growing, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Where are we?” I asked him, and he just smiled back and said “Pretend this is heaven, because that’s what it feels like for me.” We sat in the back of his truck, and looked up at the stars that seemed to flicker on and off, and move around like little butterflies. Someone up there must be watching us and smiling, I thought. Alex got up, and said “Miss Jen, could I have the privilege of a dance?” I got out of the truck, and let him hold me, and we danced. We danced all through the field, pretending we were at some elegant ball with fancy music and everything. He held me like I was a princess, and there was nothing I could do to wipe the biggest smile off my face. He was mine, and he loved me. Even if he wouldn’t say it, he loved me. I knew it.
After hours of dancing, and talking and laughing, he said it was time I should be getting home. He drove me home, and we were silent the whole way home. When we got home, I got out of the car, but before he could drive away, I ran to the driver side and opened the door. “Now I have a surprise” I told him. He followed me, and I took him to my little spot on the cliff. The stars were so bright. We sat there, and talked. I held his hand, and he didn’t pull away. We sat there, our legs dangling over the edge, for hours. He told me that if he could, he would go up into space, and bring me back the moon. I was surprised to find myself weeping. He asked what was wrong, and I said that this shouldn’t be happening. He was too beautiful. I was too....too me. I was so happy and I was crying. I can be pretty dumb sometime.
Finally we got bored, and I told him to wait, and I ran inside and got my camera. I took a couple pictures of him, then a couple pictures of him and me. And then, I kissed him. At first it was supposed to be one of those ten seconds things, for I am not very good at kissing. But slowly it became something more. I put my arm around him, and he put his hand in my hair and we kissed like that for almost half an hour without moving or anything, just grateful that we had each other right there and then.
I love him.
!!!
I got all the pictures I took of him developed, and I put them all up on my wall. On some of them I wrote things, others I just left blank. I now have almost thirty pictures of Alex up on my wall, and I like it a lot. This way I can think about him with a good visual. And when I miss him a lot, I just kiss the pictures.
!!!
Alex called me and asked if he could come over. I said sure. It was late...almost midnight. I hadn’t seen Alex for almost three days though, so I said it was fine. He came over, and we just talked for a bit. I poured him some wine, and poured myself some. For some reason, I was in a drinking mood. I had almost three glasses of wine when Alex finished his first. Soon I was up to six glasses, and ready to just pass out right there. That was when Alex kissed me. I wasn’t like last night, it was forceful, but I liked it. It reminded me of Charlie, and even though that wasn’t a great thing, it was nice. After a few minutes he stopped, and said “can we take this into your room?” Me, being in the state I was, said yes. I was actually kind of excited. We went into my room, and began kissing on my bed. Really kissing. I had never kissed a boy like this, and it was very nice. After a while, he stuck his hand up my shirt. His hands were cold, even over my bra. I tried to get his hand out of my shirt, but he was stronger. He held my hand down, and tore off my bra. I started to cry. He ripped off my shirt, and I could feel the wind from my open window. He touched my chest, harder and faster, and then unzipped my pants. Why was he doing this? I cried harder and harder, barely even knowing what was going on. I felt his cold hand inside me, moving in, out, in out, faster and faster until I felt a twinge of pleasure. But it was unwanted. I hadn’t expected this, and this wasn’t the way I had wanted it to first happen. I started hitting him, screaming, but he just slapped me and held my hands down again. He put his head down, and I could feel his warm mouth pressing against me. Over, and over, it felt as though the devil himself was touching me. Finally he stood up, unzipped his pants fast, and took off his underwear. And he jumped on me, and stuck himself inside. I don’t know how long it lasted, but it hurt like hell. I was screaming and trying to break free, and all the while this was this small pleasure down there, but nothing compared to what he was probably feeling, that pig. I was almost dying, just waiting for it to end. I wanted to scream out “I LOVE YOU ALEX, I LOVE YOU!” but I had had too many drinks for that. I cried harder, screamed, but he kept pushing into me farther. Finally, he stopped. I felt the liquid drain out of him, and he got up. Said he was sorry. He wanted me to forget it. Then he was gone.
I sat up, hardly able to move. I was hysterical. And there was semen all over my bed, and I just looked down at myself and cried. I tore all the pictures off my wall, tried so hard to forget about what had just happened. But it was no use. He had used me. But I had loved him. Didn’t he understand that?
I didn’t even bother cleaning up. I lay down, half naked, and fell asleep.
!!!
The next morning I spent crying. I broke every mirror in my house until finally my fists were bleeding so much and there was so much glass inside my hands that I had to stop. I went outside with some lemonade and sat down and thought. About Alex. About what had happened. I hated him.
!!!
That night, I went down to the beach. I sat there for hours, listening to the lull of the ocean, wishing I was anybody else.
When I was younger, I would always pretend that I was the best swimmer in the world, and that I could just swim and swim and swim through the ocean until I reached the horizon itself. When morning came, and I was still sitting on the beach, I walked into the water. Finally it was up to my neck, and I was freezing, but I began to swim. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t stop until I reached that horizon.