"Crawling Backwards" Chapter Twenty
Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: It was a forbidden love filled with lies and deceit that lead Ville down a deadly path into a world of drug addiction. The one person he cares about keeps shutting him out, sending his life spiraling out of control. Will Bam open his eyes and realize his mistakes before it's too late and he loses Ville forever?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Warning: Bad drug trip in this chapter and reference to illegal narcotics.
Banner and Links behind the cut.
This lovely banner was made by the one and only annushkazhivago. Thanks bunches, doll!
Chapter Nineteen and previous
Chapter Twenty
Novak didn't even wait to get back to the Castle before getting right down to business, an element that shocked me more than I was willing to admit. He guided me into a shabby back room, barren except for a sullied matress and chipped end table. The only light was a small lamp in the corner, knocked the floor and emitting a dingy yellow glow that cast menacing shadows about the room. If it were any other night I probably would have pissed myself out of fear, but determination had wrapped its cold fingers around my heart and didn't seem willing to let go any time soon.
He sat Indian-style on the stained floor, the bag sprawled out beside him as he dug through his back pocket for some mysterious treasure. I watched, trasnfixed, as he pulled what appeared to be a small plastic bullet from his pocket and began gently sprinkling the coarse powder into the small chamer at the bottom. It took me a second to realize that I was still standing in the doorway, my body stiff with anticipation as I watched Novak finnish his little arrangement. Without being called, I took the spot opposite him, my hands resting stiffly on my knees as I leaned forward to keep an inquisitive eye on him.
My eyes were locked to his slightly perspired face, an almost unnoticeable sheen of sweat glistening in the dim lighting and casting shadows over his pores, as he brought the small object to his nose. A moment of hesitation, clammy digits fingering the cold plastic for the briefest of moments before flicking some kind of switch in one smoothe motion. In an instant all of the powder was gone. I watched as Novak scrunced up his eyes, his head tilting back as a sigh escaped his lips. My heart nearly lept out of my throat as a gutteral moan built up from his chest, his head coming back to face me but his eyes rolled back beneath their lids.
I found myself licking my chapped lips, from eagerness or fear I wasn't sure. After an eternity his eyes snapped open, once sharp blue eyes now clouded over with the hint of pink framing his dilated pupils. His breaths were coming in short, panicked spurts that nearly had me panting myself. He sniffled, one finger lazily whiping away some invisible snot from his nose.
"Your turn," slurred words reached my ears as the small vile was stretched before me, floating in a sea of a sweaty palm.
I had to gulp around the lump in my throat, mentally willing my hand to stop shaking as I leaned forward to grasp the device between my own now sweating fingers. I stared at it for a moment, seemingly avocated by something as simple as plastic, before I peered up at Novak. What the hell was I supposed to do with this? I almost asked, but when I saw that his eyes were once more firmly in the back of his head, I realized it was a fruitless endeavour.
My eyes subconsciously traveled to the still-opened plastic bag on the floor, a small amount of loose powder burrying itself in the fabric of the carpet. The vile couldn't possibly hold much more than a few pinches of...anything, but something about actually scooping it off the ground like a dog put a sick feeling in my stomach. Nonetheless, I found myself bending over the small pile, my index finger jutting out to poke it hesitantly. What would Bam say about all of this? He would...he would...fuck him. This wasn't about Bam. This was about me.
There was no one around except for an inhebriated Novak, yet I still tried my damndest to look semi-experienced with the substance as I steadied my hand and quickly scooped a small portion into the vile, for the first time realizing that I had already unscrewed the bottom latch. Latching it back in place like a well-used bottle of Aspirin, I brought it to eye level. What now?
There was a small indention on the side, an almost wheel-shaped ring around that. My eyebrows scunched up as I experimentally twisted the small lever, a shocking puff of white smoke suddenly hitting me square in the face. I felt like an ass, sitting there covered in white powder, my eyes blinkng rapidly to remove anything from contaminating them, a small sneeze breaking the silence around me. Novak's head titled in my direction slightly, but he still seemed pretty out of it. Squaring my shoulders, arbitration taking hold, I quickly refilled the vile.
I tried to remember Novak's actions from just a moment before, but my mind seemed muddled as I once more brought the bullet to my face. I knew what I should do, but what if I made some sort of mistake? I wasn't playing Candy Land anymore, this wasn't a game. This was serious business. Grown-up business. Business that I probably shouldn't have my hands in but do.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Calm down, Ville. You want this, remember? Up the nose, turn the nozzle, the end. Easy as can be. Right?
Right.
One...
I brought the bullet to my nose, cold plastic tingling the sensitive skin on my right nostril. Gulping again, I scurnched my eyes as tight as they would go, wincing slightly as white stars danced before my vision.
Two...
My opposite hand traveled up the side of my face, one shaking finger closing up my other nostril. Another gulp. My heart skips a beat as I finger the small wheel lightly, my nail scraping accross it's hard ridges.
Three!
Pain. Horrible, shooting pain everywhere. More so than the first time. The drug shot through my system faster than I would ever imagine possible, my hands shaking so violently that I dropped the bullet to the ground and couldn't care less that I had probably broken a valuable piece of equipment. I felt the whole room tilt on its side in one jerking motion, my side connecting with the carpet painfully.
Only, it wasn't painful. I knew in the back of my mind that it should be, but there was no pain. Only comforting numbness spreading throughout my body. I tried to pick my head up and glance over to Novak, but it felt as if a ton of bricks had replaced my brain, making my skull heavy and my thoughts sluggish. A shiver ran down my spine just then as the gravity of the situation crashed down around me. I was in a strange house, unable to pick myself up from the ground...
What hell was I doing? The question kept repeating itself in my head, but I couldn't find an answer to it. I saw a shadow shift somewhere to my left, dark and menacing, a voice cutting through the silence as if through water--muffled and distant. I tried to turn my head to face the voice, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I didn't want to.
"You feeling okay?"
I don't know how that one question broke through amidst the other jumbled words pouring from Novak's mouth, but it did. I blinked once, my eyelids closing for what felt like an eternity before reponening on a fading room. It was getting darker. Perfect.
"I feel...nothing." I couldn't be sure if he understood me or not, the words sounded foreign even to my ears. Garbled bullshit twisting my tongue in knots, causing me to slur and drool. My mouth was working against me, plotting it's revenge for years of nicotine abuse, of this I was sure.
I could have sworn I heard Novak mumble a quick, "good" before returning to silence. Then again, I wasn't sure what I was sure of anymore. Everything was so distorted that I had a hard time grasping on to one thought, my mind unable to wrap around a particular situation before it floated away. I felt my foot tapping along to an unheard beat, tap, tap, tap. I wanted to make the tapping stop. I wanted silence. It was becoming too cluttered in this room. There were too many people. Novak had to leave.
I sat up quickly, the room taking a nose-dive before my eyes. I stilled myself, willing the room to do the same with my mind and smiling slightly when it did. Useless words spilt from my mouth as I tried and failed to get Novak's attention. The only response I got was a grunt, but, then again, I couldn't be too sure that that wasn't all that left my lips.
It felt as if the room was closing in on me, the walls growing closer and the light fading away. Everything was dark, a shadow of its former self. My lungs burned as I tried desperately to fill them with oxygen; burned as I tried to scream and nothing came out but a gurgled yelp. As if on instinct my hand reached out in Novak's direction, grasping at the thick air around me as if that man could some how save me from the hole I had dug myself into. Again the world turned on its side, but this time I realized that it was actually me. I was falling. I was falling and there was nobody there to catch me.
And that's when everything went black.
~*~
"Sweetheart, come on, get your ass up."
I heard the words but gathered no meaning from them, the miniscule slap to my cheek registering as only mild discomfort. My whole body was sore and my head was spinning, oxygen entering and exiting my lungs at an uneven pace. I tried to turn my head to the left, but a sharp pain in my neck paralized me and left me staring with half hooded eyes at the ceiling.
"Come on, we have to get out of here."
One strong arm warpped itself around my shoulders, hefting me off of the dirty floor that I had since become familiar with and trying to ballance me on my own two feet. Hours had past, surely. Days, even. I just knew it. I knew by how unwilling my body was to move that I had been lying on that floor for an eternity. Again I tried to find Novak with my eyes, but the best I was offered was a blurred clump of flesh grasping onto my shoulders as if for life itself. One step and we were closer to the door. Two and his hand was on the doorknob. I counted as he guided me back through the house, off-white walls sullied from years of abuse and nicotine smoke laying out our path like the Yellow Brick Road.
Fifty-seven steps and we were back in the sitting room, my feet growing heavy as I struggled to lift them from the ground just a few more times. Just a few more and we would be out of here. I tried, oh how I tried. But the shuffling became more and more apparent as we reached the front door, my body slinking back to rest against the one beside me.
"Dude, don't you dare pass out on me again," there seemed to be a hint of laughter in his voice, but how someone could make a joke of a situation like this was beyond me. I felt like I was going to die.
Sixty-three steps and we were outside. The sun was just now fading off into the horizon, pastel shades of pink and yellow casting streaks accross the urban skyline. Any other time I would have stopped to admire such an anomaly, but my eyes were glued to the expensive car parked against the curb. My salvation incasted in steal and fiberglass.
Novak opened the passenger door for me, ever the gentlman, dumping my body down in the leather seat none too gracefully. I fought with the seatbelt for the longest moment, trying to unknot the myriad of tangles that ran up to its base while guiding it to the latch, but even that simple task seemed too complicated for me to figure out. My brain was just refusing to function properly.
"W-What happened back there?" I drew in a shuddering breath as the questoin fell from my mouth, unaware that I had actually spoken allowed until Novak turned to me, a cocky grin pulling at his lips and causing me to shirnk back into the comfortable seat.
"You fucking past out, sweetheart," his voice was like acid to my ears; deep and lethargic, yet tactfully aware of the situation at hand. His hand moved to rest on my shoulder, the added weight seeming to push me back another mile into the seat. I felt so heavy, so drained. "Don't worry about it, these things happen. It was good shit, wasn't it?"
He just laughed when I didn't answer, starting up the ignition and pulling away from the curb. How he was able to drive was beyond me, but I could really care less. The car seemed to be jerking all over the road, accelerating and slowing down all at the same time and causing my stomach to do a painful somersault. When I tried to look out the window all I saw were speeding lines of black and yellow, the occasional flash of green beaming before my vision. Cold air was filtering thorough from a nearby vent, but it did little to settle the heat that was building up from my stomach, washing over my chest and threatening to spill out my throat in any minute. I was going to be sick. I was going to be sick and I needed to get the hell out of the car.
Novak must have noticed this because in a matter of seconds he was on the side of the road, his hazard lights flashing as he jumped from the car and ran around to my door. Time seemed to to speed forward, because the next thing I knew I was hunched over on the ground, green vomit spewing from my mouth at an unnatural rate. A careful hand was patting my back, pulling my hair away from my face. Closing my eyes, I imagined that those touched belonged to Bam, that he was by my side and providing me comfort in my time of need.
"That's it, let it all out."
The words were comforting and as I leaned back against the car to catch my breath I shot a thankful nod in Novak's direction. He had introduced me to this hell, but as of right this moment I was more than thankful that he was by my side.
Again his arm was around me, snaking beneath my own arms and hoisting me back into the car. This time he helped me with the seatbelt, casting me an apologetic frown before climbing in himself. The car was put in drive and slowly reclaimed its place amongst the rest of the night traffic. The world seemed to be back to its normal pace, the car speeding down the highway but no faster than the other vehicles around us. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the cold glass window, reveling in the feeling of ice coating my brain and turning my body comfortably numb.
I didn't notice when we pulled up the Castle. All I knew was that the car has stopped and there was a bright light shining above us. The Hobbit Hole. Home. We were home.
Bam would be waiting up for me, I was sure of this. But all I could think about was crawling into a warm bed and sleeping the rest of the night away. As I took my first hesitant steps toward Castle Bam, I forced myself to steady my nerves and forget about what had just taken place. An argument was brewing inside, one that would only escalate when I walked through the door. Squaring my shoulders, I took the last step and reached for the doorknob.
~*~
Again, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I'm still running without Microsoft WORD for a little while...
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: It was a forbidden love filled with lies and deceit that lead Ville down a deadly path into a world of drug addiction. The one person he cares about keeps shutting him out, sending his life spiraling out of control. Will Bam open his eyes and realize his mistakes before it's too late and he loses Ville forever?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
Warning: Bad drug trip in this chapter and reference to illegal narcotics.
Banner and Links behind the cut.
This lovely banner was made by the one and only annushkazhivago. Thanks bunches, doll!
Chapter Nineteen and previous
Chapter Twenty
Novak didn't even wait to get back to the Castle before getting right down to business, an element that shocked me more than I was willing to admit. He guided me into a shabby back room, barren except for a sullied matress and chipped end table. The only light was a small lamp in the corner, knocked the floor and emitting a dingy yellow glow that cast menacing shadows about the room. If it were any other night I probably would have pissed myself out of fear, but determination had wrapped its cold fingers around my heart and didn't seem willing to let go any time soon.
He sat Indian-style on the stained floor, the bag sprawled out beside him as he dug through his back pocket for some mysterious treasure. I watched, trasnfixed, as he pulled what appeared to be a small plastic bullet from his pocket and began gently sprinkling the coarse powder into the small chamer at the bottom. It took me a second to realize that I was still standing in the doorway, my body stiff with anticipation as I watched Novak finnish his little arrangement. Without being called, I took the spot opposite him, my hands resting stiffly on my knees as I leaned forward to keep an inquisitive eye on him.
My eyes were locked to his slightly perspired face, an almost unnoticeable sheen of sweat glistening in the dim lighting and casting shadows over his pores, as he brought the small object to his nose. A moment of hesitation, clammy digits fingering the cold plastic for the briefest of moments before flicking some kind of switch in one smoothe motion. In an instant all of the powder was gone. I watched as Novak scrunced up his eyes, his head tilting back as a sigh escaped his lips. My heart nearly lept out of my throat as a gutteral moan built up from his chest, his head coming back to face me but his eyes rolled back beneath their lids.
I found myself licking my chapped lips, from eagerness or fear I wasn't sure. After an eternity his eyes snapped open, once sharp blue eyes now clouded over with the hint of pink framing his dilated pupils. His breaths were coming in short, panicked spurts that nearly had me panting myself. He sniffled, one finger lazily whiping away some invisible snot from his nose.
"Your turn," slurred words reached my ears as the small vile was stretched before me, floating in a sea of a sweaty palm.
I had to gulp around the lump in my throat, mentally willing my hand to stop shaking as I leaned forward to grasp the device between my own now sweating fingers. I stared at it for a moment, seemingly avocated by something as simple as plastic, before I peered up at Novak. What the hell was I supposed to do with this? I almost asked, but when I saw that his eyes were once more firmly in the back of his head, I realized it was a fruitless endeavour.
My eyes subconsciously traveled to the still-opened plastic bag on the floor, a small amount of loose powder burrying itself in the fabric of the carpet. The vile couldn't possibly hold much more than a few pinches of...anything, but something about actually scooping it off the ground like a dog put a sick feeling in my stomach. Nonetheless, I found myself bending over the small pile, my index finger jutting out to poke it hesitantly. What would Bam say about all of this? He would...he would...fuck him. This wasn't about Bam. This was about me.
There was no one around except for an inhebriated Novak, yet I still tried my damndest to look semi-experienced with the substance as I steadied my hand and quickly scooped a small portion into the vile, for the first time realizing that I had already unscrewed the bottom latch. Latching it back in place like a well-used bottle of Aspirin, I brought it to eye level. What now?
There was a small indention on the side, an almost wheel-shaped ring around that. My eyebrows scunched up as I experimentally twisted the small lever, a shocking puff of white smoke suddenly hitting me square in the face. I felt like an ass, sitting there covered in white powder, my eyes blinkng rapidly to remove anything from contaminating them, a small sneeze breaking the silence around me. Novak's head titled in my direction slightly, but he still seemed pretty out of it. Squaring my shoulders, arbitration taking hold, I quickly refilled the vile.
I tried to remember Novak's actions from just a moment before, but my mind seemed muddled as I once more brought the bullet to my face. I knew what I should do, but what if I made some sort of mistake? I wasn't playing Candy Land anymore, this wasn't a game. This was serious business. Grown-up business. Business that I probably shouldn't have my hands in but do.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Calm down, Ville. You want this, remember? Up the nose, turn the nozzle, the end. Easy as can be. Right?
Right.
One...
I brought the bullet to my nose, cold plastic tingling the sensitive skin on my right nostril. Gulping again, I scurnched my eyes as tight as they would go, wincing slightly as white stars danced before my vision.
Two...
My opposite hand traveled up the side of my face, one shaking finger closing up my other nostril. Another gulp. My heart skips a beat as I finger the small wheel lightly, my nail scraping accross it's hard ridges.
Three!
Pain. Horrible, shooting pain everywhere. More so than the first time. The drug shot through my system faster than I would ever imagine possible, my hands shaking so violently that I dropped the bullet to the ground and couldn't care less that I had probably broken a valuable piece of equipment. I felt the whole room tilt on its side in one jerking motion, my side connecting with the carpet painfully.
Only, it wasn't painful. I knew in the back of my mind that it should be, but there was no pain. Only comforting numbness spreading throughout my body. I tried to pick my head up and glance over to Novak, but it felt as if a ton of bricks had replaced my brain, making my skull heavy and my thoughts sluggish. A shiver ran down my spine just then as the gravity of the situation crashed down around me. I was in a strange house, unable to pick myself up from the ground...
What hell was I doing? The question kept repeating itself in my head, but I couldn't find an answer to it. I saw a shadow shift somewhere to my left, dark and menacing, a voice cutting through the silence as if through water--muffled and distant. I tried to turn my head to face the voice, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I didn't want to.
"You feeling okay?"
I don't know how that one question broke through amidst the other jumbled words pouring from Novak's mouth, but it did. I blinked once, my eyelids closing for what felt like an eternity before reponening on a fading room. It was getting darker. Perfect.
"I feel...nothing." I couldn't be sure if he understood me or not, the words sounded foreign even to my ears. Garbled bullshit twisting my tongue in knots, causing me to slur and drool. My mouth was working against me, plotting it's revenge for years of nicotine abuse, of this I was sure.
I could have sworn I heard Novak mumble a quick, "good" before returning to silence. Then again, I wasn't sure what I was sure of anymore. Everything was so distorted that I had a hard time grasping on to one thought, my mind unable to wrap around a particular situation before it floated away. I felt my foot tapping along to an unheard beat, tap, tap, tap. I wanted to make the tapping stop. I wanted silence. It was becoming too cluttered in this room. There were too many people. Novak had to leave.
I sat up quickly, the room taking a nose-dive before my eyes. I stilled myself, willing the room to do the same with my mind and smiling slightly when it did. Useless words spilt from my mouth as I tried and failed to get Novak's attention. The only response I got was a grunt, but, then again, I couldn't be too sure that that wasn't all that left my lips.
It felt as if the room was closing in on me, the walls growing closer and the light fading away. Everything was dark, a shadow of its former self. My lungs burned as I tried desperately to fill them with oxygen; burned as I tried to scream and nothing came out but a gurgled yelp. As if on instinct my hand reached out in Novak's direction, grasping at the thick air around me as if that man could some how save me from the hole I had dug myself into. Again the world turned on its side, but this time I realized that it was actually me. I was falling. I was falling and there was nobody there to catch me.
And that's when everything went black.
~*~
"Sweetheart, come on, get your ass up."
I heard the words but gathered no meaning from them, the miniscule slap to my cheek registering as only mild discomfort. My whole body was sore and my head was spinning, oxygen entering and exiting my lungs at an uneven pace. I tried to turn my head to the left, but a sharp pain in my neck paralized me and left me staring with half hooded eyes at the ceiling.
"Come on, we have to get out of here."
One strong arm warpped itself around my shoulders, hefting me off of the dirty floor that I had since become familiar with and trying to ballance me on my own two feet. Hours had past, surely. Days, even. I just knew it. I knew by how unwilling my body was to move that I had been lying on that floor for an eternity. Again I tried to find Novak with my eyes, but the best I was offered was a blurred clump of flesh grasping onto my shoulders as if for life itself. One step and we were closer to the door. Two and his hand was on the doorknob. I counted as he guided me back through the house, off-white walls sullied from years of abuse and nicotine smoke laying out our path like the Yellow Brick Road.
Fifty-seven steps and we were back in the sitting room, my feet growing heavy as I struggled to lift them from the ground just a few more times. Just a few more and we would be out of here. I tried, oh how I tried. But the shuffling became more and more apparent as we reached the front door, my body slinking back to rest against the one beside me.
"Dude, don't you dare pass out on me again," there seemed to be a hint of laughter in his voice, but how someone could make a joke of a situation like this was beyond me. I felt like I was going to die.
Sixty-three steps and we were outside. The sun was just now fading off into the horizon, pastel shades of pink and yellow casting streaks accross the urban skyline. Any other time I would have stopped to admire such an anomaly, but my eyes were glued to the expensive car parked against the curb. My salvation incasted in steal and fiberglass.
Novak opened the passenger door for me, ever the gentlman, dumping my body down in the leather seat none too gracefully. I fought with the seatbelt for the longest moment, trying to unknot the myriad of tangles that ran up to its base while guiding it to the latch, but even that simple task seemed too complicated for me to figure out. My brain was just refusing to function properly.
"W-What happened back there?" I drew in a shuddering breath as the questoin fell from my mouth, unaware that I had actually spoken allowed until Novak turned to me, a cocky grin pulling at his lips and causing me to shirnk back into the comfortable seat.
"You fucking past out, sweetheart," his voice was like acid to my ears; deep and lethargic, yet tactfully aware of the situation at hand. His hand moved to rest on my shoulder, the added weight seeming to push me back another mile into the seat. I felt so heavy, so drained. "Don't worry about it, these things happen. It was good shit, wasn't it?"
He just laughed when I didn't answer, starting up the ignition and pulling away from the curb. How he was able to drive was beyond me, but I could really care less. The car seemed to be jerking all over the road, accelerating and slowing down all at the same time and causing my stomach to do a painful somersault. When I tried to look out the window all I saw were speeding lines of black and yellow, the occasional flash of green beaming before my vision. Cold air was filtering thorough from a nearby vent, but it did little to settle the heat that was building up from my stomach, washing over my chest and threatening to spill out my throat in any minute. I was going to be sick. I was going to be sick and I needed to get the hell out of the car.
Novak must have noticed this because in a matter of seconds he was on the side of the road, his hazard lights flashing as he jumped from the car and ran around to my door. Time seemed to to speed forward, because the next thing I knew I was hunched over on the ground, green vomit spewing from my mouth at an unnatural rate. A careful hand was patting my back, pulling my hair away from my face. Closing my eyes, I imagined that those touched belonged to Bam, that he was by my side and providing me comfort in my time of need.
"That's it, let it all out."
The words were comforting and as I leaned back against the car to catch my breath I shot a thankful nod in Novak's direction. He had introduced me to this hell, but as of right this moment I was more than thankful that he was by my side.
Again his arm was around me, snaking beneath my own arms and hoisting me back into the car. This time he helped me with the seatbelt, casting me an apologetic frown before climbing in himself. The car was put in drive and slowly reclaimed its place amongst the rest of the night traffic. The world seemed to be back to its normal pace, the car speeding down the highway but no faster than the other vehicles around us. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the cold glass window, reveling in the feeling of ice coating my brain and turning my body comfortably numb.
I didn't notice when we pulled up the Castle. All I knew was that the car has stopped and there was a bright light shining above us. The Hobbit Hole. Home. We were home.
Bam would be waiting up for me, I was sure of this. But all I could think about was crawling into a warm bed and sleeping the rest of the night away. As I took my first hesitant steps toward Castle Bam, I forced myself to steady my nerves and forget about what had just taken place. An argument was brewing inside, one that would only escalate when I walked through the door. Squaring my shoulders, I took the last step and reached for the doorknob.
~*~
Again, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I'm still running without Microsoft WORD for a little while...