Oh vacation.
Forgive me for I can't be everything you diserve.
I have a problem with updating and a lack of it.
I'm on vacation. Finnaly.
I went to Yankee Candle tonight and sat on santas' lap, so my life is made pretty much.
<33
I'm afraid to let myself cry, im afraid to let myself be sad, because im afraid that because your not here anymore to make me feel better and make it known that im loved, that i won't be able to stop I dont have a saftey net anymore. I feel like the last week i've been treading water, and I know that my legs are bound to get tired, and I'm going to drown. It's only a matter of time, but I know I have to prolong it as long as possible. I know what happened was bound to happen from the beginning, I know it was the right thing, I know it was for the better, I know, I know, I know. Truth is, I really do want you to be happy, but I don't want you to be happy before me, I don't want you to move on before me, I want to be happy, I'm not ready, as much as I tell myself. I can't handle the fact that you're not mine anymore. I want to move on, I want someone new, but no matter how much I want that, their not you. I know that theres three other boys, four other chances to be happy and move on. One of them, known him my entire life,and he's become one of my best friends, he was there when I cried about you, he was there all along, he's the only person in my life who has never let me down, never made me cry. I know he cares about me, I know he loves me, and he's made it known that he would be with me in a minute. The next one, I adore him, and he consistantly asks me out no matter how many times I've told him im not looking for a relationship, he still tries, theres so much I like about him, he was the first one to make me smile after three strait days of crying, yet, I find myself making excuses constantly when he asks to go out.. The last one has always been there for me when I just need to be held, he's there, no questions asked, but latley. I feel like if I go with any one of them, I'm settling, and I do not want to settle, but I do want to forget about you. More than anything. I just want to forget, I want to hate you so much but I still love you, and I always will, and thats what hurts. I hate the way I don't feel whole. I hate the way that he has my body and my hollow laugh, but you have my heart and my genuine smile, you told me once that you had taken my heart and locked it away safe with yours, and you were never giving it back. Now you tell me you'll always love me, and that if it were ment to be, fate will bring us back togeather. I'm not as heartbroken anymore, i'm not restless at night, i've stoped feeling like my heart was in my stomach. However, it just feels like there's a void in me. And i'm not sure that all the boys in the world could fill it. I don't want to settle for less, but im beginning to think that if I can't have you, I should begin to learn how to make due with what i've been given. I feel selfish, i'm thankful for being so cared about, I just wish it was by you. But then again I seem to be wishing alot these days.
I have a problem with updating and a lack of it.
I'm on vacation. Finnaly.
I went to Yankee Candle tonight and sat on santas' lap, so my life is made pretty much.
<33
I'm afraid to let myself cry, im afraid to let myself be sad, because im afraid that because your not here anymore to make me feel better and make it known that im loved, that i won't be able to stop I dont have a saftey net anymore. I feel like the last week i've been treading water, and I know that my legs are bound to get tired, and I'm going to drown. It's only a matter of time, but I know I have to prolong it as long as possible. I know what happened was bound to happen from the beginning, I know it was the right thing, I know it was for the better, I know, I know, I know. Truth is, I really do want you to be happy, but I don't want you to be happy before me, I don't want you to move on before me, I want to be happy, I'm not ready, as much as I tell myself. I can't handle the fact that you're not mine anymore. I want to move on, I want someone new, but no matter how much I want that, their not you. I know that theres three other boys, four other chances to be happy and move on. One of them, known him my entire life,and he's become one of my best friends, he was there when I cried about you, he was there all along, he's the only person in my life who has never let me down, never made me cry. I know he cares about me, I know he loves me, and he's made it known that he would be with me in a minute. The next one, I adore him, and he consistantly asks me out no matter how many times I've told him im not looking for a relationship, he still tries, theres so much I like about him, he was the first one to make me smile after three strait days of crying, yet, I find myself making excuses constantly when he asks to go out.. The last one has always been there for me when I just need to be held, he's there, no questions asked, but latley. I feel like if I go with any one of them, I'm settling, and I do not want to settle, but I do want to forget about you. More than anything. I just want to forget, I want to hate you so much but I still love you, and I always will, and thats what hurts. I hate the way I don't feel whole. I hate the way that he has my body and my hollow laugh, but you have my heart and my genuine smile, you told me once that you had taken my heart and locked it away safe with yours, and you were never giving it back. Now you tell me you'll always love me, and that if it were ment to be, fate will bring us back togeather. I'm not as heartbroken anymore, i'm not restless at night, i've stoped feeling like my heart was in my stomach. However, it just feels like there's a void in me. And i'm not sure that all the boys in the world could fill it. I don't want to settle for less, but im beginning to think that if I can't have you, I should begin to learn how to make due with what i've been given. I feel selfish, i'm thankful for being so cared about, I just wish it was by you. But then again I seem to be wishing alot these days.