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i'm looking through mad rad hair,and thinking of all the people i know and thinking
"why the hell do THEY get to be so luck and beautiful, why not me?"
meh. life isn't fair, i should just drill it into my head and move on
meh. three weeks later, and NOW i feel like shit. i went all this week feeling fine, and thinking i was getting over him because for a while i seriously didn't care what he was doing because he was done, and i was like i can do better, whatever.
yeah..but i feel like shit because my self-esteem has gone down. and i feel so ugly and disgusting. and i COULD get another guy..maybe..but not really..because when i hang out with mallory..they always go to her first..shes my best friend and i really don't hang out with anyone else so yeah..
my confidence has just like gone away..i don't have any..michael made me more confident, and i could be confident without him, i'm just not. i feel so BLAHDsklgjfdklgjdlfkgjdfgk. maybe i'm not that bad, but i still feel like it. i don't know why i care about what he's doing all of the suddent, it's weird. and sad at the same time. because i KNOW he's made out with atleast one other girl..i KNOW..so he's like over me.. which kinda sucks..wait..it really sucks.
meh. he was just a guy that made me feel really good about myself, and i feel like shit about myself. i feel worse then that. seriously, i've spent all day wishing to be different..but of course it does nothing..but i couldn't get up and do anything about it because i have no motivation.
so i'm kinda screwed, because i tried making msyelf more confident, but i can't do it by myself, and i don't know who else is gunna do it for me. no one, but i seriously CAN'T do it on my own so yeah whatever. and i can't motivate myself, i have to be motivated by something. but what? exacclyyy..nothing.. i just want to curl up into a little ball in my bed and stay there forevverrrrr.
so i never have to get up and look in the mirror and then feel like crap because i think of all the gorgeous people i know who look better.
and it's a fact that mallory gets all the guys over me. i have many example, one being Michael. when he 'loved me' or whatever (okay he actually did then because i just know) well he met mallory and started to like her. mmm yeah..that proves it..that when i'm around her, i cannot get a guy.
=( i want to move. i overheard my mom saying to my dad something about finding a new job. she loves hers now, and is good at it, and they want her there, but it was something about money and how she could get more. and my immidieate thought was moving. and how i wish we could so badly, and that i could go to a different school. not TOO far away but yeah.. because i've got some friends here..but the only one out of school that i hang out with by myself is mallory.
moving wouldn't do much..meh..prolly not..but it's change, new people, and i can start over. i know i won't move though. we can't afford to move houses, and my sister would put up a fight because she has the perfect life here.
lucky her. i envy my sister so much, but then i hate her because she does drugs.
and i don't like my parents either, because they annoy me. and they don't leave me alone anymore because of michael. my mom all of the sudden trys to make me go out everyday during the weekend, when i never did even when i was with michael. it's annoying because i like staying home and doing nothing sometimes. they just don't understand that, and they obviously won't for a long time. and i hate how they barely even know me. i mean, after 15 years of living together, you think they would? but no.. it surprises me how little they know me..seriously.
they know next to nothing.
come to think of it, the only people that actually know the most about me are people who read my journal. and if you know me in person and read it, then congrats, you know a lot about me.
because for people that don't read it, they know the half that i just portray myself as..to avoid questions and stuff. around people i'm happy and normal..even if thats not how i feel normally. and i smile and laugh about things that bug me, and sure it does make me feel better laughing about michael but i'm still sad. i don't know if theres anyone that KNOWS me in person that gets that.
it's what i hate. i mean, mal knows i'm sad, and i understand her because she doesn't know what to say so she just says little things, makes me laugh and moves on. i understand that about her, and she understands me, theres just some things about me she doesn't know.. but they aren't major details..and i'd rather her not know, because it's the worst part about me. maybe i should just stop writing in here so that people won't know whats my worst quality(ies).
oh yeah and i realized that i can't listen to the song "everything" by watashi wa for a really long time. because once my sister and her friends were outside blasting it in there car, and michael and i went for a walk around the neighborhood and it was a good moment with him and when i hear it i think of that and i miss it.
meh, sucks because i like the song a lot too heh.
"why the hell do THEY get to be so luck and beautiful, why not me?"
meh. life isn't fair, i should just drill it into my head and move on
meh. three weeks later, and NOW i feel like shit. i went all this week feeling fine, and thinking i was getting over him because for a while i seriously didn't care what he was doing because he was done, and i was like i can do better, whatever.
yeah..but i feel like shit because my self-esteem has gone down. and i feel so ugly and disgusting. and i COULD get another guy..maybe..but not really..because when i hang out with mallory..they always go to her first..shes my best friend and i really don't hang out with anyone else so yeah..
my confidence has just like gone away..i don't have any..michael made me more confident, and i could be confident without him, i'm just not. i feel so BLAHDsklgjfdklgjdlfkgjdfgk. maybe i'm not that bad, but i still feel like it. i don't know why i care about what he's doing all of the suddent, it's weird. and sad at the same time. because i KNOW he's made out with atleast one other girl..i KNOW..so he's like over me.. which kinda sucks..wait..it really sucks.
meh. he was just a guy that made me feel really good about myself, and i feel like shit about myself. i feel worse then that. seriously, i've spent all day wishing to be different..but of course it does nothing..but i couldn't get up and do anything about it because i have no motivation.
so i'm kinda screwed, because i tried making msyelf more confident, but i can't do it by myself, and i don't know who else is gunna do it for me. no one, but i seriously CAN'T do it on my own so yeah whatever. and i can't motivate myself, i have to be motivated by something. but what? exacclyyy..nothing.. i just want to curl up into a little ball in my bed and stay there forevverrrrr.
so i never have to get up and look in the mirror and then feel like crap because i think of all the gorgeous people i know who look better.
and it's a fact that mallory gets all the guys over me. i have many example, one being Michael. when he 'loved me' or whatever (okay he actually did then because i just know) well he met mallory and started to like her. mmm yeah..that proves it..that when i'm around her, i cannot get a guy.
=( i want to move. i overheard my mom saying to my dad something about finding a new job. she loves hers now, and is good at it, and they want her there, but it was something about money and how she could get more. and my immidieate thought was moving. and how i wish we could so badly, and that i could go to a different school. not TOO far away but yeah.. because i've got some friends here..but the only one out of school that i hang out with by myself is mallory.
moving wouldn't do much..meh..prolly not..but it's change, new people, and i can start over. i know i won't move though. we can't afford to move houses, and my sister would put up a fight because she has the perfect life here.
lucky her. i envy my sister so much, but then i hate her because she does drugs.
and i don't like my parents either, because they annoy me. and they don't leave me alone anymore because of michael. my mom all of the sudden trys to make me go out everyday during the weekend, when i never did even when i was with michael. it's annoying because i like staying home and doing nothing sometimes. they just don't understand that, and they obviously won't for a long time. and i hate how they barely even know me. i mean, after 15 years of living together, you think they would? but no.. it surprises me how little they know me..seriously.
they know next to nothing.
come to think of it, the only people that actually know the most about me are people who read my journal. and if you know me in person and read it, then congrats, you know a lot about me.
because for people that don't read it, they know the half that i just portray myself as..to avoid questions and stuff. around people i'm happy and normal..even if thats not how i feel normally. and i smile and laugh about things that bug me, and sure it does make me feel better laughing about michael but i'm still sad. i don't know if theres anyone that KNOWS me in person that gets that.
it's what i hate. i mean, mal knows i'm sad, and i understand her because she doesn't know what to say so she just says little things, makes me laugh and moves on. i understand that about her, and she understands me, theres just some things about me she doesn't know.. but they aren't major details..and i'd rather her not know, because it's the worst part about me. maybe i should just stop writing in here so that people won't know whats my worst quality(ies).
oh yeah and i realized that i can't listen to the song "everything" by watashi wa for a really long time. because once my sister and her friends were outside blasting it in there car, and michael and i went for a walk around the neighborhood and it was a good moment with him and when i hear it i think of that and i miss it.
meh, sucks because i like the song a lot too heh.