Musing About High School-Long Entry
This is long and kinda crap, sorry!
D and my husband are so in love! We went out last weekend and bought a huge king-sized bed, now our nice-but-too-small double bed is set up in the spare room. Having the big bed makes it possible for all three of us to sleep together, with handsome hubby in the middle! YAY!
I just noticed this 'schools' feature of LJ- I decided to join my high school, and found two people that I remember. It amazes me to think back to those times... it was forever ago, and, in some ways, I was a completely different person back then. I am very tall (six feet and a little over) and I remember how everyone thought I was such a freak. Add in the fact I was (am still) an aspiring novelist, and the fact that I wasn't fashion-conscious or interested in money, and I was a pariah! I was a strange child who listened to weird, eclectic music and wore nothing but jeans and t-shirts. I wasn't interested in anything but creativity, beauty, and the written word. I had such strong notions about adult life, and what I was going to do later... when I was FREE!
I thought/think of that time in my life at good ole' BVAHS as absolute Hell. When other girls were wearing their first pair of heels, I was saying "You do know those ruin your ankles and knees, don't you?". When other girls were mooning over their flavor-of-the-semester boyfriends, I was forming a very-long-term friendship and relationship with a single young man (It was a chaste relationship that lasted seven years. He eventually came out as gay. We parted ways amicably.) When everyone else was having sex and doing drugs and having abortions, I was thinking "What trouble you've created for yourself with this lack of self-control!". In all of these ways, I am still the same.
Now for the differences. Since high school, I've become more forgiving of other people, even if I don't understand them. I've learned to overlook the games people play. Unless it's something harmful, I'm now able to turn my head and button my lip when I see the stupid things people do for attention, money, or notoriety. Another skill I have learned is pity- when I see people who are obviously broken and miserable, I can now feel bad for them whereas I used to laugh. I've learned not to be so 'hard'. I used to make people cry in high school- I played on their gullible, gossip-mongering tendencies and got countless people's feelings hurt or in trouble with others, just because I was so miserable. It was childish of me, but what can you expect from a child?
My high school was full of pampered children from rich families, for the most part. A small portion of working-poor and farmer's children were thrown in for comedic effect. There were about ten minorities, total. I came from a much more socially-diverse background, and when my parents decided it would be a good idea to 'move to the country' in 1993, they moved me to Stepford, aka BVA. 98% the girls were pretty in a desperate way- they were overly thin, carefully made-up, plucked, shaved, clothes overpriced, pressed, and the height of fashion. They giggled and shrieked constantly- which made me a nervous wreck- and traveled in cliques impenetrable to anyone who had not been in that clique since grade school (especially if you weren't interested in looking, talking, and acting exactly like them). The boys were gregarious and, once again, so Loud! They were lewd and dangerously good-looking in a steroid kind of way.
I was so frightened and horrified to be there. High school is hard enough to transition into, especially when you are alone and new. I came to BVA with hair so short, you couldn't get a handful in a catfight. I dressed rather androgynously, and chose comfort and function over style or appearance every time. I was a target for the asshole sons of these pretentious rich people, they made jokes about me constantly. The girls were either frightened or confused by me. I tried to talk to some people after awhile- I brought up books, music, writing, etc. They would look at me with blank stares, bat their freakish tarantula-lashes at me, and go back to talking about some boy or the latest diet. For the longest time, I thought I wasn't prepared for high school... and then I learned differently once I became an adult.
*cue Hallelujah Chorus*
Transitioning to adulthood was hard but quick for me. I simply had to unlearn all the crazy shit high school had ingrained in me. I started communicating again, and made friends with people in their 20s almost immediately after graduation. I didn't have to be defensive or 'hard' anymore. People in their 20s do not mock physical appearance that much, or giggle and shriek. I was accepted For my originality, not in Spite of it. Once I escaped the insane asylum, I was free to become the REAL _carin_.
I discovered bisexuality at 18 and poly lifestyle at 19. At 24, I finally said goodbye to my high-school sweetheart (he finished college and moved East) and severed the last link to that shithole. Now I am free of it. I have a beautiful husband and (hopefully) a sister wife, soon. I have an awesome career in a field I enjoy. I'm so happy about the life that I have.
And it scares me to think that that place could have broken me, made me defective. It happens. While I never had any real friends in high school (boyfriend excluded), I did have acquaintances, people who would sit with me at lunch and talk about weather, assignments, etc. One became an alcoholic while still in high school. Another starved herself nearly to death. Two others ended up living in trailers in an adjacent county, abandoning their dreams, raising multiple children on a welfare check (these girls had once dreamed of being a cardiologist and a lawyer, respectively). Two others did well.
I survived, no thanks to BVA. Thank Mercy, Pride, and Will.
D and my husband are so in love! We went out last weekend and bought a huge king-sized bed, now our nice-but-too-small double bed is set up in the spare room. Having the big bed makes it possible for all three of us to sleep together, with handsome hubby in the middle! YAY!
I just noticed this 'schools' feature of LJ- I decided to join my high school, and found two people that I remember. It amazes me to think back to those times... it was forever ago, and, in some ways, I was a completely different person back then. I am very tall (six feet and a little over) and I remember how everyone thought I was such a freak. Add in the fact I was (am still) an aspiring novelist, and the fact that I wasn't fashion-conscious or interested in money, and I was a pariah! I was a strange child who listened to weird, eclectic music and wore nothing but jeans and t-shirts. I wasn't interested in anything but creativity, beauty, and the written word. I had such strong notions about adult life, and what I was going to do later... when I was FREE!
I thought/think of that time in my life at good ole' BVAHS as absolute Hell. When other girls were wearing their first pair of heels, I was saying "You do know those ruin your ankles and knees, don't you?". When other girls were mooning over their flavor-of-the-semester boyfriends, I was forming a very-long-term friendship and relationship with a single young man (It was a chaste relationship that lasted seven years. He eventually came out as gay. We parted ways amicably.) When everyone else was having sex and doing drugs and having abortions, I was thinking "What trouble you've created for yourself with this lack of self-control!". In all of these ways, I am still the same.
Now for the differences. Since high school, I've become more forgiving of other people, even if I don't understand them. I've learned to overlook the games people play. Unless it's something harmful, I'm now able to turn my head and button my lip when I see the stupid things people do for attention, money, or notoriety. Another skill I have learned is pity- when I see people who are obviously broken and miserable, I can now feel bad for them whereas I used to laugh. I've learned not to be so 'hard'. I used to make people cry in high school- I played on their gullible, gossip-mongering tendencies and got countless people's feelings hurt or in trouble with others, just because I was so miserable. It was childish of me, but what can you expect from a child?
My high school was full of pampered children from rich families, for the most part. A small portion of working-poor and farmer's children were thrown in for comedic effect. There were about ten minorities, total. I came from a much more socially-diverse background, and when my parents decided it would be a good idea to 'move to the country' in 1993, they moved me to Stepford, aka BVA. 98% the girls were pretty in a desperate way- they were overly thin, carefully made-up, plucked, shaved, clothes overpriced, pressed, and the height of fashion. They giggled and shrieked constantly- which made me a nervous wreck- and traveled in cliques impenetrable to anyone who had not been in that clique since grade school (especially if you weren't interested in looking, talking, and acting exactly like them). The boys were gregarious and, once again, so Loud! They were lewd and dangerously good-looking in a steroid kind of way.
I was so frightened and horrified to be there. High school is hard enough to transition into, especially when you are alone and new. I came to BVA with hair so short, you couldn't get a handful in a catfight. I dressed rather androgynously, and chose comfort and function over style or appearance every time. I was a target for the asshole sons of these pretentious rich people, they made jokes about me constantly. The girls were either frightened or confused by me. I tried to talk to some people after awhile- I brought up books, music, writing, etc. They would look at me with blank stares, bat their freakish tarantula-lashes at me, and go back to talking about some boy or the latest diet. For the longest time, I thought I wasn't prepared for high school... and then I learned differently once I became an adult.
*cue Hallelujah Chorus*
Transitioning to adulthood was hard but quick for me. I simply had to unlearn all the crazy shit high school had ingrained in me. I started communicating again, and made friends with people in their 20s almost immediately after graduation. I didn't have to be defensive or 'hard' anymore. People in their 20s do not mock physical appearance that much, or giggle and shriek. I was accepted For my originality, not in Spite of it. Once I escaped the insane asylum, I was free to become the REAL _carin_.
I discovered bisexuality at 18 and poly lifestyle at 19. At 24, I finally said goodbye to my high-school sweetheart (he finished college and moved East) and severed the last link to that shithole. Now I am free of it. I have a beautiful husband and (hopefully) a sister wife, soon. I have an awesome career in a field I enjoy. I'm so happy about the life that I have.
And it scares me to think that that place could have broken me, made me defective. It happens. While I never had any real friends in high school (boyfriend excluded), I did have acquaintances, people who would sit with me at lunch and talk about weather, assignments, etc. One became an alcoholic while still in high school. Another starved herself nearly to death. Two others ended up living in trailers in an adjacent county, abandoning their dreams, raising multiple children on a welfare check (these girls had once dreamed of being a cardiologist and a lawyer, respectively). Two others did well.
I survived, no thanks to BVA. Thank Mercy, Pride, and Will.