I've learned.
I've learned
sunburn makes summer feel real, as
broken balloon thoughts swim with the impatience of ice cream in heat
through my mind.
and a memory smile contains these thoughts
behind soft lips
for one last night.
i’ve laughed, i’ve loved, i’ve lost
and in the eventual- i’ve learned.
i’ve learned of how much I can throw myself to the wind. to let the salt, to the earth, to the dirt. I’ve learned to let the wonder called Jesus shape me and curl me into a being of brilliant eyes, solitary hands, and honest words.
i’ve learned that boys will always deter my smile at the cost of petty language and streamlined lines. I’ve learned that I am one, maybe because of my father, to always trust a male and believe he will shed translucent tears for me. I’ve learned each person I meet, that I breathe against, and smile foolishly for the sake of, will at one point, inevitably, fuck me over. and I’ve learned, that in these cases, I will have to grin, and parade on, with my heart beating to constant peace.
i’ve learned that best friends will fail, and flail with apologies. And myself, as one, will too. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be miserable and confess guilt, and to realize you’ve destroyed much of the world of your favorite person. Because people have blood in them, guts in them, spirit in them, to forgive. And people bear this, beautifully.
i’ve learned that the outside feels like my freezer, but a notch cooler. I’ve learned that being on the outside requires of yourself effort, to walk on in.
i’ve learned that I never want to become a person, or return to the state of a person, who sacrifices their happiness, their being, or their smile, to be with another.
i’ve learned that people lie about being in love because blinders press into them pseudo comfort and hollow security, and I’ve learned to be patient for time to heal.
i’ve learned to not put so much in to other people that my mind is latched into the gear of rebreathing, recreating the hush of their scent. I’ve learned that I have yet to love someone the way they deserve, because I have yet to love myself to that degree.
i’ve learned that I will probably always trust certain people within the crinkles, creases of my life because I am an addict of empty honesty. I’ve learned that to a point, I will always sting and self-dislike for such blatant naivety.
i’ve learned that there is a world beyond me, full of persons, landscapes, heartbreak, and disease. I’ve learned that waiting becomes the true joy in this state of alive- once you’ve established the end, and that life is repetition, the warmth of mac and cheese, the tension in his hug, and the chemicals in his breath.
i’ve learned that people change and that mirrors won’t conceal shit. I’ve learned to take comfort in the tile of my bathroom floor, and pounding heat of the shower.
i’ve learned why love is tricky, and in the virtual- impossible. I’ve learned that for two people to be in love with one another, they must each feel the same want, hurt for the other with the same of their being. I’ve learned that to reach this with someone is the only ever true deserving occurrence, of the word, rushed from tongues, keys, eyes.
i’ve learned that I will have hope despite what I say, scream, dream. and that in this sense, the harsh slap of being a hypocrite fades fast. I’ve learned that existence- is hope. And in this moment, I am oh so very alive.
and mostly, i’ve learned that at fourteen, I’ve yet to learn much.
but pouring from every cell- I am ever so ready- to become.