Here it is......
The last part doesnt have anything to do with it, but atleast I can say its in its entirety.
Ohhh, and for those of you who don't read IM conversations on LJ, this one is probably worth it.
SubtractedBy3: hey kurt
k1u9r8t9: hi
SubtractedBy3: watsup
k1u9r8t9: nm.....
SubtractedBy3: and r u gonna tell me wat happened
k1u9r8t9: .... i guess
SubtractedBy3: ok shoot
k1u9r8t9: It's gunna take a lot of typing
k1u9r8t9: so chillax......
k1u9r8t9: (here it goes).....
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: Ever since Lee and I had that big fight a long time ago
k1u9r8t9: I have gone over it about a million times in my head
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: I've always wanted to be her friend again
k1u9r8t9: BAD
k1u9r8t9: And I havn't realy ever let on to how much I realy missed her
k1u9r8t9: and how big of an ass I felt like when I did.
k1u9r8t9: b/c I'm the one that fucked it up
k1u9r8t9: I now realise that she was the best friend I ever had
k1u9r8t9: EVER.
k1u9r8t9: she cared more for me than anyone
k1u9r8t9: and to think what I did realy hurts
k1u9r8t9: And so every day I sit next to her in class,
k1u9r8t9: wishing
k1u9r8t9: *praying*
k1u9r8t9: that she will one day come to talk to me again
k1u9r8t9: I wish that someone tried to shoot her
SubtractedBy3: ok well lee told me to tell u
k1u9r8t9: So I could take a bullet
SubtractedBy3: shes trying
k1u9r8t9: QUIET
SubtractedBy3: umm she did
k1u9r8t9: I'm trying to explain
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: getting back....
k1u9r8t9: if I were to take a bullet, everything would *hopefully* be square
k1u9r8t9: but I know that what she want'e me to do is STFU
k1u9r8t9: And it's the hardest think I've ever had to not say.
SubtractedBy3: ...
k1u9r8t9: But lately,
SubtractedBy3: wow thats deep
SubtractedBy3: ok go on
k1u9r8t9: But lately,
k1u9r8t9: I have been noticing two wandering eyes that always find themselves on me.
k1u9r8t9: can you guess whose?
k1u9r8t9: ....Lee's
SubtractedBy3: whose?
SubtractedBy3: ahhhh
SubtractedBy3: good
k1u9r8t9: timing is terrible
k1u9r8t9: anyway
SubtractedBy3: im coming down from a high
k1u9r8t9: the other day at lunch I sat my stuff down at Lee's and Summer's and Cam's table and sat quietly for a few minutes
k1u9r8t9: pay attention!
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: then i got up to go say hi to mel
k1u9r8t9: who was grieving.... another long story
k1u9r8t9: I started to talk to hetr
SubtractedBy3: yea i kno about that
k1u9r8t9: and she started crying.
SubtractedBy3: go on
k1u9r8t9: after a little bit, i said "should I go" and she didnt say anything
k1u9r8t9: so I said I assume you want me to go
k1u9r8t9: so I left
k1u9r8t9: when I got back to Lee's table Summer said "why dont you go?"
k1u9r8t9: I was like, what????
k1u9r8t9: she said "yeah, go and talk to Mel or something"
k1u9r8t9: She said "we voted and it was unanymous, we dont want you here"
k1u9r8t9: So I left......
k1u9r8t9: (not with out a little fight, but w/e)
k1u9r8t9: Later I passed a note to Lee
k1u9r8t9: (bold move)
k1u9r8t9: (stupid move)
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: And it basically said, do you want me to never sit w/ you guys at lunch anymore, or what?
k1u9r8t9: and she responded "well all you ever do is go and talk to Mel, and we just try to ignore you anyway"
SubtractedBy3: holy shit
SubtractedBy3: thats mean
k1u9r8t9: shh.....
k1u9r8t9: It was honest.... atleast
k1u9r8t9: and I dont think she meant it to be mean, w/e
k1u9r8t9: but I thought, "hmm....., if she was ignoring me, how would she notice that I always go talk to Mel (which I honestly dont, and when I do, its generally not for more than 5 minutes)
k1u9r8t9: And secndly,
k1u9r8t9: why would she care
k1u9r8t9: (if she was ignoring me)
k1u9r8t9: She was beeing posesive
k1u9r8t9: she later asked me why I sit there, perhaps out of simple curiosity, perhaps not,
k1u9r8t9: and I couldnt answer
k1u9r8t9: but I'm sure she knew just as well as I did.
k1u9r8t9: Why would I go sit at a table with Lee, Summer, and Cam?
k1u9r8t9: I dont talk to Cam anymore
k1u9r8t9: When Summer is around Lee, its all about Lee,
k1u9r8t9: and that leaves....
k1u9r8t9: Lee
k1u9r8t9: I nstarting thinking about all of this.
k1u9r8t9: And it drove me nuts.
k1u9r8t9: why do i always catch her staring at me.
k1u9r8t9: (maybe not always, but like atleast 15 times a class)
k1u9r8t9: and the possesive thing?
k1u9r8t9: I CANT TAKE MIXED SIGNALS
k1u9r8t9: If she doesnt want to talk,
k1u9r8t9: so be it
k1u9r8t9: Its hard, REALY HARD, for me,
k1u9r8t9: but I've tried to deal, and deal I have, for the last 2 and a half months.
SubtractedBy3: let me kno when i can comment
k1u9r8t9: I'll say.
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: But when her mouth says no, but her body language and wandering eyes, and subconscious says yes,
k1u9r8t9: IT RIPS ME IN HALF
k1u9r8t9: So, after much thought, I decided to call her
k1u9r8t9: and ask
k1u9r8t9: She said I had five seconds,
k1u9r8t9: I was releaved to hear that she would talk to me at all.
k1u9r8t9: I tried to tell ehr everything at once,
k1u9r8t9: but it didn't exactly all come out right
k1u9r8t9: but I hoped that she got the jist of it.
k1u9r8t9: But I dont think she did.
k1u9r8t9: She basically acted as if I had asked her to start talking to me,.
k1u9r8t9: which is not what I meant
k1u9r8t9: and when I wanted to correct her,
k1u9r8t9: my little bro walks in
k1u9r8t9: ............!
k1u9r8t9: So I wait, and then, right as my brother is leaving, she says "I got to go, I'm studying"
k1u9r8t9: And She hung up
k1u9r8t9: Ans so now I think she thinks that I just wanted her to forgive me,
k1u9r8t9: which I do, but thats not waht I was asking
k1u9r8t9: What I wanted to get through was that she was KILLING ME
k1u9r8t9: KILLING ME with the mixed signals
k1u9r8t9: And then, I started crying.
k1u9r8t9: and crying,
k1u9r8t9: and crying,
k1u9r8t9: because I was v. happy
k1u9r8t9: and v. sad
k1u9r8t9: all at the same time
k1u9r8t9: Happy becasue I had talked to her
k1u9r8t9: sad becasue of everything else
k1u9r8t9: But what hurt me most
k1u9r8t9: was her voice.
k1u9r8t9: there was nothing.
k1u9r8t9: no emotion.
k1u9r8t9: If she loves me, she loves me
k1u9r8t9: if she hates me, she hates me.
k1u9r8t9: BUT ATLEAST THERES PASSION IN EITHER ONE OF THOSE.
k1u9r8t9: I want her to feel as passionately about me as I do about her.
k1u9r8t9: Possitive,
k1u9r8t9: negative
k1u9r8t9: Its all passion.
k1u9r8t9: but there was none in her voice.
k1u9r8t9: and worse than mad at me,
k1u9r8t9: she doesnt care.
k1u9r8t9: And I had all the fucking emotions I had right after the fight,
k1u9r8t9: all at once
k1u9r8t9: all the bad
k1u9r8t9: all the good
k1u9r8t9: all the emotions from all of our relationship
k1u9r8t9: all at once
k1u9r8t9: and I laughed and cried at once
k1u9r8t9: but it was more of a cry
k1u9r8t9: I would laugh,
k1u9r8t9: and that would make me cry
k1u9r8t9: and then,
k1u9r8t9: I realised where Lee was.
k1u9r8t9: (dead)
k1u9r8t9: and thats where I was today,
k1u9r8t9: I had fried out all emotion
k1u9r8t9: there existed only a general dislike for myself
k1u9r8t9: everything about my self.
k1u9r8t9: I felt stupid, and anoying, and ugly, and generally a poor example of a homo sapiens.
k1u9r8t9: and now, i am blah...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
k1u9r8t9: (you can talk)
SubtractedBy3: i went through the same thing
SubtractedBy3: but dont worry man it gets better
k1u9r8t9: i dont need counsil
SubtractedBy3: eventually i mean there will always be scars but hey the scars remind us that the past is real
k1u9r8t9: i just want to be alone
SubtractedBy3: u tore ur heart open just ti feel
SubtractedBy3: and it was thrown back and u were crushed
k1u9r8t9: no,
k1u9r8t9: Ive been crushed
SubtractedBy3: ok same thing
k1u9r8t9: this was just like punching a pancake
SubtractedBy3: nice analogy
k1u9r8t9: thnxs
SubtractedBy3: n/p
k1u9r8t9: ..sdg.gsd
k1u9r8t9: SGOJwegjoW
k1u9r8t9: GEw
k1u9r8t9: kpg
SubtractedBy3: hey kurt
k1u9r8t9: yeah
SubtractedBy3: i kno wat might make u feel better
SubtractedBy3: do u kno wat chronic is?
k1u9r8t9: ...........:-X
k1u9r8t9: yes...
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: and no,
k1u9r8t9: I'm not going to become a drug addict.
SubtractedBy3: well chronic is sum good ass shit
SubtractedBy3: its weed
k1u9r8t9: I knwi
SubtractedBy3: well a type
k1u9r8t9: know*
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: but if I go to it now, i will fall,
k1u9r8t9: I have to be straight edge
SubtractedBy3: ?
k1u9r8t9: .....I'm in a weakened emotional state,.
k1u9r8t9: w/e
k1u9r8t9: I dont have to explain this,
k1u9r8t9: I gtg
SubtractedBy3: no u stay
k1u9r8t9: I have to do HW for AP Psych
SubtractedBy3: i hjave a question
SubtractedBy3: r u stil grounded ?
k1u9r8t9: A Million Pages Of Chapter Review.
k1u9r8t9: and yes
k1u9r8t9: gtg
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: ]bye
SubtractedBy3: then ur released
SubtractedBy3: bye
(||deceased||||||)
Ohhh, and for those of you who don't read IM conversations on LJ, this one is probably worth it.
SubtractedBy3: hey kurt
k1u9r8t9: hi
SubtractedBy3: watsup
k1u9r8t9: nm.....
SubtractedBy3: and r u gonna tell me wat happened
k1u9r8t9: .... i guess
SubtractedBy3: ok shoot
k1u9r8t9: It's gunna take a lot of typing
k1u9r8t9: so chillax......
k1u9r8t9: (here it goes).....
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: Ever since Lee and I had that big fight a long time ago
k1u9r8t9: I have gone over it about a million times in my head
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: I've always wanted to be her friend again
k1u9r8t9: BAD
k1u9r8t9: And I havn't realy ever let on to how much I realy missed her
k1u9r8t9: and how big of an ass I felt like when I did.
k1u9r8t9: b/c I'm the one that fucked it up
k1u9r8t9: I now realise that she was the best friend I ever had
k1u9r8t9: EVER.
k1u9r8t9: she cared more for me than anyone
k1u9r8t9: and to think what I did realy hurts
k1u9r8t9: And so every day I sit next to her in class,
k1u9r8t9: wishing
k1u9r8t9: *praying*
k1u9r8t9: that she will one day come to talk to me again
k1u9r8t9: I wish that someone tried to shoot her
SubtractedBy3: ok well lee told me to tell u
k1u9r8t9: So I could take a bullet
SubtractedBy3: shes trying
k1u9r8t9: QUIET
SubtractedBy3: umm she did
k1u9r8t9: I'm trying to explain
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: getting back....
k1u9r8t9: if I were to take a bullet, everything would *hopefully* be square
k1u9r8t9: but I know that what she want'e me to do is STFU
k1u9r8t9: And it's the hardest think I've ever had to not say.
SubtractedBy3: ...
k1u9r8t9: But lately,
SubtractedBy3: wow thats deep
SubtractedBy3: ok go on
k1u9r8t9: But lately,
k1u9r8t9: I have been noticing two wandering eyes that always find themselves on me.
k1u9r8t9: can you guess whose?
k1u9r8t9: ....Lee's
SubtractedBy3: whose?
SubtractedBy3: ahhhh
SubtractedBy3: good
k1u9r8t9: timing is terrible
k1u9r8t9: anyway
SubtractedBy3: im coming down from a high
k1u9r8t9: the other day at lunch I sat my stuff down at Lee's and Summer's and Cam's table and sat quietly for a few minutes
k1u9r8t9: pay attention!
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: then i got up to go say hi to mel
k1u9r8t9: who was grieving.... another long story
k1u9r8t9: I started to talk to hetr
SubtractedBy3: yea i kno about that
k1u9r8t9: and she started crying.
SubtractedBy3: go on
k1u9r8t9: after a little bit, i said "should I go" and she didnt say anything
k1u9r8t9: so I said I assume you want me to go
k1u9r8t9: so I left
k1u9r8t9: when I got back to Lee's table Summer said "why dont you go?"
k1u9r8t9: I was like, what????
k1u9r8t9: she said "yeah, go and talk to Mel or something"
k1u9r8t9: She said "we voted and it was unanymous, we dont want you here"
k1u9r8t9: So I left......
k1u9r8t9: (not with out a little fight, but w/e)
k1u9r8t9: Later I passed a note to Lee
k1u9r8t9: (bold move)
k1u9r8t9: (stupid move)
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: And it basically said, do you want me to never sit w/ you guys at lunch anymore, or what?
k1u9r8t9: and she responded "well all you ever do is go and talk to Mel, and we just try to ignore you anyway"
SubtractedBy3: holy shit
SubtractedBy3: thats mean
k1u9r8t9: shh.....
k1u9r8t9: It was honest.... atleast
k1u9r8t9: and I dont think she meant it to be mean, w/e
k1u9r8t9: but I thought, "hmm....., if she was ignoring me, how would she notice that I always go talk to Mel (which I honestly dont, and when I do, its generally not for more than 5 minutes)
k1u9r8t9: And secndly,
k1u9r8t9: why would she care
k1u9r8t9: (if she was ignoring me)
k1u9r8t9: She was beeing posesive
k1u9r8t9: she later asked me why I sit there, perhaps out of simple curiosity, perhaps not,
k1u9r8t9: and I couldnt answer
k1u9r8t9: but I'm sure she knew just as well as I did.
k1u9r8t9: Why would I go sit at a table with Lee, Summer, and Cam?
k1u9r8t9: I dont talk to Cam anymore
k1u9r8t9: When Summer is around Lee, its all about Lee,
k1u9r8t9: and that leaves....
k1u9r8t9: Lee
k1u9r8t9: I nstarting thinking about all of this.
k1u9r8t9: And it drove me nuts.
k1u9r8t9: why do i always catch her staring at me.
k1u9r8t9: (maybe not always, but like atleast 15 times a class)
k1u9r8t9: and the possesive thing?
k1u9r8t9: I CANT TAKE MIXED SIGNALS
k1u9r8t9: If she doesnt want to talk,
k1u9r8t9: so be it
k1u9r8t9: Its hard, REALY HARD, for me,
k1u9r8t9: but I've tried to deal, and deal I have, for the last 2 and a half months.
SubtractedBy3: let me kno when i can comment
k1u9r8t9: I'll say.
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: But when her mouth says no, but her body language and wandering eyes, and subconscious says yes,
k1u9r8t9: IT RIPS ME IN HALF
k1u9r8t9: So, after much thought, I decided to call her
k1u9r8t9: and ask
k1u9r8t9: She said I had five seconds,
k1u9r8t9: I was releaved to hear that she would talk to me at all.
k1u9r8t9: I tried to tell ehr everything at once,
k1u9r8t9: but it didn't exactly all come out right
k1u9r8t9: but I hoped that she got the jist of it.
k1u9r8t9: But I dont think she did.
k1u9r8t9: She basically acted as if I had asked her to start talking to me,.
k1u9r8t9: which is not what I meant
k1u9r8t9: and when I wanted to correct her,
k1u9r8t9: my little bro walks in
k1u9r8t9: ............!
k1u9r8t9: So I wait, and then, right as my brother is leaving, she says "I got to go, I'm studying"
k1u9r8t9: And She hung up
k1u9r8t9: Ans so now I think she thinks that I just wanted her to forgive me,
k1u9r8t9: which I do, but thats not waht I was asking
k1u9r8t9: What I wanted to get through was that she was KILLING ME
k1u9r8t9: KILLING ME with the mixed signals
k1u9r8t9: And then, I started crying.
k1u9r8t9: and crying,
k1u9r8t9: and crying,
k1u9r8t9: because I was v. happy
k1u9r8t9: and v. sad
k1u9r8t9: all at the same time
k1u9r8t9: Happy becasue I had talked to her
k1u9r8t9: sad becasue of everything else
k1u9r8t9: But what hurt me most
k1u9r8t9: was her voice.
k1u9r8t9: there was nothing.
k1u9r8t9: no emotion.
k1u9r8t9: If she loves me, she loves me
k1u9r8t9: if she hates me, she hates me.
k1u9r8t9: BUT ATLEAST THERES PASSION IN EITHER ONE OF THOSE.
k1u9r8t9: I want her to feel as passionately about me as I do about her.
k1u9r8t9: Possitive,
k1u9r8t9: negative
k1u9r8t9: Its all passion.
k1u9r8t9: but there was none in her voice.
k1u9r8t9: and worse than mad at me,
k1u9r8t9: she doesnt care.
k1u9r8t9: And I had all the fucking emotions I had right after the fight,
k1u9r8t9: all at once
k1u9r8t9: all the bad
k1u9r8t9: all the good
k1u9r8t9: all the emotions from all of our relationship
k1u9r8t9: all at once
k1u9r8t9: and I laughed and cried at once
k1u9r8t9: but it was more of a cry
k1u9r8t9: I would laugh,
k1u9r8t9: and that would make me cry
k1u9r8t9: and then,
k1u9r8t9: I realised where Lee was.
k1u9r8t9: (dead)
k1u9r8t9: and thats where I was today,
k1u9r8t9: I had fried out all emotion
k1u9r8t9: there existed only a general dislike for myself
k1u9r8t9: everything about my self.
k1u9r8t9: I felt stupid, and anoying, and ugly, and generally a poor example of a homo sapiens.
k1u9r8t9: and now, i am blah...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
k1u9r8t9: (you can talk)
SubtractedBy3: i went through the same thing
SubtractedBy3: but dont worry man it gets better
k1u9r8t9: i dont need counsil
SubtractedBy3: eventually i mean there will always be scars but hey the scars remind us that the past is real
k1u9r8t9: i just want to be alone
SubtractedBy3: u tore ur heart open just ti feel
SubtractedBy3: and it was thrown back and u were crushed
k1u9r8t9: no,
k1u9r8t9: Ive been crushed
SubtractedBy3: ok same thing
k1u9r8t9: this was just like punching a pancake
SubtractedBy3: nice analogy
k1u9r8t9: thnxs
SubtractedBy3: n/p
k1u9r8t9: ..sdg.gsd
k1u9r8t9: SGOJwegjoW
k1u9r8t9: GEw
k1u9r8t9: kpg
SubtractedBy3: hey kurt
k1u9r8t9: yeah
SubtractedBy3: i kno wat might make u feel better
SubtractedBy3: do u kno wat chronic is?
k1u9r8t9: ...........:-X
k1u9r8t9: yes...
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: and no,
k1u9r8t9: I'm not going to become a drug addict.
SubtractedBy3: well chronic is sum good ass shit
SubtractedBy3: its weed
k1u9r8t9: I knwi
SubtractedBy3: well a type
k1u9r8t9: know*
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: but if I go to it now, i will fall,
k1u9r8t9: I have to be straight edge
SubtractedBy3: ?
k1u9r8t9: .....I'm in a weakened emotional state,.
k1u9r8t9: w/e
k1u9r8t9: I dont have to explain this,
k1u9r8t9: I gtg
SubtractedBy3: no u stay
k1u9r8t9: I have to do HW for AP Psych
SubtractedBy3: i hjave a question
SubtractedBy3: r u stil grounded ?
k1u9r8t9: A Million Pages Of Chapter Review.
k1u9r8t9: and yes
k1u9r8t9: gtg
SubtractedBy3: ok
k1u9r8t9: ]bye
SubtractedBy3: then ur released
SubtractedBy3: bye
(||deceased||||||)