identity crisis
Actually, it's been more like a year.
I haven't found out much at all since I began feeling this disconnection with myself.
I know that without Isabelle, I'm a lot duller and lesser of a person than I thought [I knew] I was. I don't daydream at all anymore. All the simple things in life are becoming too hard and serious; I wouldn't be able to believe in what i'm daydreaming about enough to give daydreaming a point.
The thoughts I hear myself think in my head are so foreign to me; i'm speaking in a different language that I understand but don't feel right in understanding.
I actually don't think about things that have any similarity to the things I used to think about regularly.
Of course, under the circumstances of relocation, crap like that is expected. But I expected the differences to be subtle and still somewhat familiar to me. And they aren't.
The thing i'm really thrown off by is how well i'm taking all of this.
By 'this', I'm referring to the new, more disappointing 'me' i've become/realized I am.
I haven't gotten any nicer towards people.
I have kind of gotten a lot meaner since i've moved to Vegas, but everyone here is a fuckface so I don't feel too bad about it, ha.
I don't understand how clueless people can be. My neightbor Jo Jo's friend, Jon, texted me today after I hung out with them and he said 'hey can i come kiss u'.
I've been avoiding Jon 3 weeks, and the only reason why I hung out with him and Jo Jo is because I accidentally picked up Jo Jo's call when I was texting someone.
I didn't reply, so Jon calls me like a psycho for the next 30 minutes, thinking that would make me want to talk to him. I was actually having a conversation with my dad about my living situations, and I pretty much wanted to commit suicide because of how goddamn persistent Jon was in calling. I shouldn't have to answer my phone, It's MY FUCKING PHONE. I thought even a fucking rock would get that I'm OBVIOUSLY IGNORING THE PHONE CALLS. Then he tells me that when I get back, that I need to promise him i'd call or text him as soon as I got back saying something to let him know that I was back. I said if he texted me, MAYBE i'd text back if I wanted to. And he said I had to do it first, to let him know that I was back.
I lost it and started yelling at him over the phone pretty intensely, ha. I asked him if he honestly thought that he was important to me in the least bit, much less someone i'd put in ANY amount of effort to remember calling at ANY time in my life.
Why do people flatter themselves in thinking that they exist as anything to me? Hahahaha. It's so funny.
I am trying to live an honest & integral life as much as I possibly can.
I hate how everyone sucks in their sober state, but are the best when they're drunk. Alternate Egos are really confusing; I don't know which one is real. I mean, can't the drunk version of someone be the TRUE persona? Most drunks are more honest when they're under the influence, and they're a lot more likely to say what's really been on their mind.
But maybe being apprehensive, introverted, and putting thought behind every action made is how someone REALLY is? Because it's how they are, naturally?
Ehh. Fuck it. I don't believe in people these days. Everyone only cares about what THEY get out of your existence in their lives [even if it's a brief period of existence]. Nobody cares about each other in a noble way anymore.
For instance, I've been avoiding everyone in Vegas for the past few weeks out of being too distraught to find them worth any time or effort. And when one actually gets a hold of me and asks why I haven't been answering any phone calls/texts [THOUGH I DON'T GET WHY I'D HAVE TO EXPLAIN IF IGNORING THEM SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO LET THEM KNOW THAT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM] and I tell them that it's because i've been in a disconsolate state of unhappiness & haven't been wanting to see anyone at all, all they can say is "well shit, do you know how much it sucks that I keep calling you 2394023984 times a day without you ever pick up? i was like, freaking out. you don't know how much you bummed me out, but whatever. so wanna chill?"
