I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see
I've been so busy with trying to keep my temper under control and making sure that everyone is okay, that I've been putting off writing my thoughts on the Pope's recent declaration about gay marriages.
So, apparently, the Pope has declared that "Homosexual marriages are part of "a new ideology of evil" that is insidiously threatening society," in his most recent book. Now, it took me a few days to mull this over. I've known where my church stood on homosexuals. It was a sin, but a lot of things are sins in my church. I guess I hoped that eventually things would change and I would no longer be considered living in sin because I have married the love of my life and we are raising a child together. Imagine my surprise and disgust at hearing that the institution of marriage between Connor and me is not just a sin, but now is considered evil. Evil.
How easily that word is thrown around. Evil. I'm in a monogamous loving relationship with a man who fights evil every single day, but because we are of the same gender and we wear rings and have exchanged vows declaring our love to one another, we're part of this new ideology of evil. I have never been more ashamed to be considered a Catholic. In fact, I don't believe I consider myself part of that Church anymore. It's not as if they will mourn my loss at Mass. For I am the enemy. I am evil.
This is the same church that has protected and shielded their priests from prosecution by the law when those priests attacked and molested trusting members of their parish. Children who were raised in the same faith as me to believe that the church is a sanctuary and that when you are in trouble and needing guidance you can trust your priest.
Sexual abuse doesn't leave you. You can survive it and you can heal, but the scars will remain. When you are attacked as a child, your innocence is lost. When the attacker is your priest, your parent, your teacher, someone who is supposed to be your protector, then your faith is broken. There are emotional scars that cut deeper than the physical wounds. The fact that I can be deemed evil for my actions by the same people who protect the actions of people who prey on children makes my stomach tie in knots.
My faith has always been important to me. When I didn't think I could survive my foster homes or life on the streets, I would turn to the church. I went to confession, I begged forgiveness for the sins that I created in the name of survival. I can't find it in me to be ashamed of living my life with Connor. There is shame for selling my body on the streets. Shame for so many things that I have done, but wearing a ring to symbolize that my heart and body remain true to the man that I love? No, there is no shame there.
This isn't an easy choice for me to make. I've never felt so disillusioned with my faith before. I still believe in God. There is too much proof that God exists and I refuse to completely walk away from my beliefs just because my church has let me down, but I'm uncertain where I should turn too now. How do I explain to Taylor that the faith he has been raised in condemns his family? How do I explain to him that if genetics are any indication, one day it is very possible that he too will find himself falling in love with someone of the same gender and because of those feelings, his church will deem him not only as a sinner, but as evil?
I'm not prepared to explain this to him because I have yet to figure out the answers myself. I'm still praying. Praying for guidance on where I should turn too for those answers because I know they no longer can be found with my priest. I'm praying that Matthias will open his eyes and that the machines that are helping him to survive will no longer be needed. Every night I pray that my family will be safe and that Taylor will grow up happy, healthy in a house filled with love. So, I'm not completely lost, but I feel as if the blindfold has been lifted from my eyes and I can now see clearly. I know where I don't belong. I just have to figure where I do belong.
The school Taylor is attending is a Catholic school and I won't pull him out this close to the school year ending. I'm not certain I should send him back there next year. While the school program has been excellent, I can't agree with the religious lessons he could be taught. I don't want him to attend public school and I'd like to see him remain in a school with strong moral values. Perhaps I should check into the Lutheran school that is a couple of blocks away. Of course, now I need to research the Lutheran religion.
I'm devastated that I'm no longer able to call the church my mother loved home. She was the one who instilled my faith in me and I can't help but wonder if she would see things my way or if she would agree with the Pope. The idea my mother could be disgusted by the life I have made for myself rips me up inside.
I think I need to take this slow. Give myself time to deal with walking away before I attempt to make sense of this for Taylor or even Connor. I'll start with trying to make sense of it for myself.
So, apparently, the Pope has declared that "Homosexual marriages are part of "a new ideology of evil" that is insidiously threatening society," in his most recent book. Now, it took me a few days to mull this over. I've known where my church stood on homosexuals. It was a sin, but a lot of things are sins in my church. I guess I hoped that eventually things would change and I would no longer be considered living in sin because I have married the love of my life and we are raising a child together. Imagine my surprise and disgust at hearing that the institution of marriage between Connor and me is not just a sin, but now is considered evil. Evil.
How easily that word is thrown around. Evil. I'm in a monogamous loving relationship with a man who fights evil every single day, but because we are of the same gender and we wear rings and have exchanged vows declaring our love to one another, we're part of this new ideology of evil. I have never been more ashamed to be considered a Catholic. In fact, I don't believe I consider myself part of that Church anymore. It's not as if they will mourn my loss at Mass. For I am the enemy. I am evil.
This is the same church that has protected and shielded their priests from prosecution by the law when those priests attacked and molested trusting members of their parish. Children who were raised in the same faith as me to believe that the church is a sanctuary and that when you are in trouble and needing guidance you can trust your priest.
Sexual abuse doesn't leave you. You can survive it and you can heal, but the scars will remain. When you are attacked as a child, your innocence is lost. When the attacker is your priest, your parent, your teacher, someone who is supposed to be your protector, then your faith is broken. There are emotional scars that cut deeper than the physical wounds. The fact that I can be deemed evil for my actions by the same people who protect the actions of people who prey on children makes my stomach tie in knots.
My faith has always been important to me. When I didn't think I could survive my foster homes or life on the streets, I would turn to the church. I went to confession, I begged forgiveness for the sins that I created in the name of survival. I can't find it in me to be ashamed of living my life with Connor. There is shame for selling my body on the streets. Shame for so many things that I have done, but wearing a ring to symbolize that my heart and body remain true to the man that I love? No, there is no shame there.
This isn't an easy choice for me to make. I've never felt so disillusioned with my faith before. I still believe in God. There is too much proof that God exists and I refuse to completely walk away from my beliefs just because my church has let me down, but I'm uncertain where I should turn too now. How do I explain to Taylor that the faith he has been raised in condemns his family? How do I explain to him that if genetics are any indication, one day it is very possible that he too will find himself falling in love with someone of the same gender and because of those feelings, his church will deem him not only as a sinner, but as evil?
I'm not prepared to explain this to him because I have yet to figure out the answers myself. I'm still praying. Praying for guidance on where I should turn too for those answers because I know they no longer can be found with my priest. I'm praying that Matthias will open his eyes and that the machines that are helping him to survive will no longer be needed. Every night I pray that my family will be safe and that Taylor will grow up happy, healthy in a house filled with love. So, I'm not completely lost, but I feel as if the blindfold has been lifted from my eyes and I can now see clearly. I know where I don't belong. I just have to figure where I do belong.
The school Taylor is attending is a Catholic school and I won't pull him out this close to the school year ending. I'm not certain I should send him back there next year. While the school program has been excellent, I can't agree with the religious lessons he could be taught. I don't want him to attend public school and I'd like to see him remain in a school with strong moral values. Perhaps I should check into the Lutheran school that is a couple of blocks away. Of course, now I need to research the Lutheran religion.
I'm devastated that I'm no longer able to call the church my mother loved home. She was the one who instilled my faith in me and I can't help but wonder if she would see things my way or if she would agree with the Pope. The idea my mother could be disgusted by the life I have made for myself rips me up inside.
I think I need to take this slow. Give myself time to deal with walking away before I attempt to make sense of this for Taylor or even Connor. I'll start with trying to make sense of it for myself.