movement?
Eliminate fear:
So many of the things I struggle with would be solved if I could do this. And yet, I'm held back so significantly. I wish I could think back and pinpoint the specific time and place I crossed over from being still quiet mannered, yet bold and spiritually fearless, to a person who catches herself purposefully hiding signs of faith because of fear - as if understanding why would matter. I know why I have timid tendencies today, but I want to know why I started giving a care what the world thought. 9 year old Melissa might not recognize 22 year old Melissa.
Jumping back, on the positive side, 18 was a revival year for me and I did come such a long ways from my extreme stagnant and "fearful" years that followed middle school. The problem with that is, I've been gradually slipping since around the time I turned 21 (which was the time I started parting with the college group that aided me in my revival, coincidence?) While some areas of my revival are fixed and I believe can't fall as low as they used to be ever again, other signs of past behavior have come up, especially in this last year or so.
Perhaps God put my old college group in my life as a building block; baby steps; to nurse me back to health then set me free to do His will elsewhere. It's obvious he has moved me because he wanted me somewhere else. Part of me wonders if I failed the mission. I feel as though I came out of rehab and fell into old habits. The person I am today is so dead and stagnant.
At the issues of fear, I used to not understand how God would do it. But I had such faith that it didn't matter if I didn't understand. In some areas of life, I am still very good at that. But fear seems to be at the forefront of my struggles, the hardest for me to personally overcome for whatever reason...and nowadays, I find myself doubting God can actually move me in the area of timidity. I can tell because I don't even bother; I don't truly pray about it; I don't get excited about what God's going to do...instead, I hide from it. I say, "No God... I just can't, so don't bother with me." I put myself before the well-fare of others BECAUSE of fear. People I know I should start a conversation with. Shun a church I know I should be serving more...the list goes on.
Revived Melissa wouldn't do that. She would be eager to see what God could do with her, regardless of how imperfect she was - she didn't worry about it because she trusted God. She didn't care about making a fool of herself. Now these things keep me in chains. You know how they say, be careful what you pray for? Well, part of my reluctance lies in this saying. I'm so fearful, I am even afraid to pray for what I need for fear of how far I'll come! (Boy does that sound like satan or what?)
When it comes down to it, the distance between me and God is a growing gap. Logically I know that once me and God are right, all of these issues will fall into place. But logic doesn't seem to move into action or faith.
My former mentor and girlfriend Melanee prayed with me and for me once; she asked God to take away my fear so that I wouldn't even remember what it felt like to fear anymore. I've never quite accomplished that, but I was so close... this is my prayer once again. To not loose sight, and to rise above this horrible hole I've slumped into. I want myself in the current time to be unrecognizable, scary as it is for me to say because I know it requires movement, but movement is better than stagnancy.