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[mixed_berry]

So, I get that my sister doesn't want me out of her life. Which, you know, for the record, I'm eternally thankful for. But this whole moving back to the states and with Xander thing? It gets to me.

What gets to me more? I agreed to it. I agreed to my sister going back to LA. Staying in Xander's bachelor pad apartment

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[dawnie_summers_]

Okay, is it just me, or is my sister being insanely zoney today? Seriously, she's like speaking one sentence, then just staring off lost in thought. Definitely something weird going on, I just don't know what yet...

"I know, Buffy, like I said, I get it...it's okay." I insisted. "And I'm gonna be fine, you know. Xander's not gonna let anything happen to me."

[mixed_berry]

"Huh?" I look up quickly at Dawn's voice. Yeah, back on track. Xander not going to let anything happen to her.

"Right." I say, "I did hear that. I am here now." Nice way of showing your sister that your want to be part of her life. "For the record, I know Xander wouldn't let anything happen to you," I tell her.

[dawnie_summers_]

"Then what's going on, 'cause it's like you're on another planet thought wise. You're freaking out, but extremely quietly, about something...which is kinda freaking me out..." I tell her, "Xander's been one of your best friends since practically forever now, yet you flipped out over me calling him. Doesn't really make sense, you know?"

[mixed_berry]

"I wasn't flipping out about you calling Xander." I shake my head. Yes, Dawn, it's all so simple. You see Xander and I we're sort of a nothing, but there was something, and since then I can't stop thinking about it. "And I'm not freaking out. I was just... surprised, you know."

[dawnie_summers_]

"You'd think so, with like, thousands of slayers all over the place." I replied. I know my tone was probably sounding bitchy and snotty, but right now I didn't really care. Buffy died for this twice, nearly died more times than I can count, and still, it's not enough. What is that, seriously? Can anyone actually explain that, because it would be nice.

[mixed_berry]

"Dawn..." I start, my voice sounding warningly. I stop. She doesn't need a lecture. I know what she's feeling because I feel it too.

I sigh, brushing a stray hair from her face, "I know. I know. And one day, hopefully it will be. Easier that is."

[dawnie_summers_]

"It better." I said quietly. Not like me stating that things better get better was gonna make any difference. Nothing ever did.

"God, if I hate this so much, how do you deal with it?" I questioned.

[mixed_berry]

"Practice?" I offer with a short semi-bitter laugh.

I deal because I have to.

[dawnie_summers_]

What? What is she even talking about, not being a slayer anymore?

"Okay, wait, hold up...when did I say you had to not be a slayer anymore?" I asked quickly. "I just meant it didn't have to be the only focus of your life anymore...you had the option to do other things..."

[mixed_berry]

"When have I ever been anything but a Slayer though? It is what I do. It's what I'm good and and I can't imagine doing anything else." I shake my head, "What else do I have to give the world?"

[dawnie_summers_]

"You're saying this to your 17 year old sister who started out as a key that could destroy the universe as we know it, remember? What else do you have to give the world? Buffy! They owe you, not the other way around! You've done nothing but give. Died. Twice. Stop with the giving!" I practically yelled. She was being insane...just insane.

"Okay, now that I've stopped and breathed for a second...I'm sure there's other stuff you can do...what did you want to do with your life before Merrick showed up and basically hijacked it? You must have had a dream, something you wanted for the future."

[mixed_berry]

I grimace at the sound of my sister's voice. Stop with the giving. I wish that made some sort of logical sense in my brain.

What did I want to do before I was called? Not like I was thinking further ahead then Spring fling and which boy I wanted to take me to it. I wanted my lipstick shade to come back because they canceled it. I wanted that baby pink 5 inch high heels with the three straps because it really brought out my ankles. But did I have plans after that other than obscene ones of having my own clothing line. So not happening.

"I don't know, Dawn." I sigh, "I've changed since then... totally different priorities."