After Patrol

[_faith_]

Think I fucked myself up tonight. I've been hittin' the patrols real hard, just because I'm so damned bored and restless and let's go on and admit it, frustrated. I was lurkin' around near what useta be Willy's bar and is now some schmancy bar & grill -- la di da. I heard somebody scream and I went tearin' through the alleys only to find out it

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[ozwolf]

Sometimes, lately, I've been up on top of the front porch, where I can see in Buffy's window to check on Faith. Makes me feel like I should be wearing a trench coat and be a vampire. It's weird. I know Angel used to do this with Buffy and here I am doing it with Faith. Tonight she doesn't look so good. Disturbingly not good. I sigh. I've been around but not because I don't know where I'm at in my head lately at all. But I reach out and tap on the window anyways.

[_faith_]

I struggle up from the bed, wiping my eyes before I turn toward the window. Oz, on the porch roof. How come I'm not surprised? You'd think he wasn't welcome in the house or somethin'. I push the window open.

"Hey."

[ozwolf]

"Hey." I say back. My eyes immediately track to the cut on her face. I reach out through the window to tip her chin to the side so I can get a better look at it. "What happened?" I ask.

[_faith_]

I bite my lip when he touches me. "Double-team vamp attack. They won the battle but I won the war." I'm holdin' my arm close to my side; gettin' up didn't help the shoulder situation any. Maybe he won't notice my red eyes. Cryin's somethin' I hate to do with a fiery passion.

[_faith_]

"Okay." Some Slayer I am. It's not just the pain but I guess he doesn't need to know that. I curl up on the end of the bed, pullin' my knees up, tryin' to make myself small. Wishin' I was someone else, maybe.

[ozwolf]

I head up the hall to get a glass of water and the bottle of tylenol from the medicine cabinet and come back, shutting the door behind me. I look at her, and yeah. She's in rough shape, and I'm not talking physically. I hold out the bottle to her, letting her decide how many she want's. I don't know a thing about Slayer metabolism besides it's fast. I wait, then take the bottle back from her and hand her the glass once she's got as many as she wants. I hesitate, then sigh, heading up towards the head of the bed and I pull the covers back for her. "C'mon, Faith. Lay down."

[_faith_]

He's bein' nice to me, and that makes it worse. How fucked up is that? "Just a sec," I say, gettin' up and, once I put the glass down on the dresser, steppin' behind the closet door to push my jeans down. Carefully, since my shoulder still doesn't feel great. The t-shirt I'm wearin' is long enough to hang to mid-thigh, so that's all good. I unsuccessfully wipe at my eyes again and walk over, climbin' back onto the bed, layin' on my good side.

[ozwolf]

I pull the blankets over her and step back, doing little things. I turn the overhead light off and switch the bedside lamp on, then shove my hands in my pockets, walking back over towards the windows. I sit back on the sil, eyes falling back on her. "You want to talk about it?" I ask, not bothering with the 'are you okay' thing. I know she's not.

[_faith_]

"'Cause no matter how much I try to change, I can't get away from what I am." It won't make sense to him, but it does to me: Worthless. Damaged. I take my hand away from my eyes and tuck it under the pillow, lookin' over at him, defeated. I ain't good with words, at all. Obviously.

[ozwolf]

I watch her for a long moment. "...and what is it you think you are?" I ask finally. I doubt very much she means 'slayer'. She'd never been one that had cursed being one like Buffy was known to do.

[_faith_]

"I'm no good for anyone," I say softly. Feels like bein' on some shrink's couch-- not that I ever did that, but what I imagine it might feel like. "I only ever had two things goin' for me. Bein' pretty and bein' the Slayer, and they've both turned around to bite me in the ass at one time or another."

Did they ever, startin' from the time I was eleven.

[ozwolf]

I arch an eyebrow at her. "I think that's a fairly dire assessment." I tell her. "What makes you think you're no good for anyone? Can't say I agree with you."

[_faith_]

"Sorry I bothered you tonight, then." I roll onto my side again but keep my eyes averted. "Don't worry about it. I'm tired of Sunnydale, tired of this missin' persons thing draggin' on and on, tired of myself but I'm stuck with me. I'll get over it."

My shoulder throbs. I feel tears gatherin' again but I blink them back.

[ozwolf]

"You didn't bother me." I point out. "I bothered you, remember?" I say. "And I'm wanting everyone back too. And everyone at some point is tired of themselves. It happens. If you want to change, you can try. Just don't expect it to be overnight." I pause, then sigh. "Look at how you were a few years ago compared to now. You've made a lot of changes. A lot of good ones." I say, voice gentler again. "Don't sell yourself short."

[_faith_]

"Yeah, I know." The cool air from the open window feels nice on my hot cheeks. Will any changes I make ever be enough to convince myself I'm a decent person? I dunno.

[ozwolf]

"I hope you do." I say honestly. "I see it." I smile at her, likely a bigger one than she's ever gotten out of me before.