Forty-Seven
Josie and Peter were sitting on the highest tier of the balcony, wrapped up in heavy coats and scarves, laughing at each other as they tried to eat their peanut butter sandwiches with gloved hands, their laughter forming puffs of pure white fog that hung in front of their faces for only a moment before disappearing. When they were finished eating, full stomachs and red noses, Josie told Peter about her morning with Toby which had been surprisingly pleasant right up until he’d left. She was very sincerely upset about the way he had reacted and then left even though they only had one day to hang out together.
“Well, I don’t know what you expected, Josie,” Peter said, casually putting his arm around her and rubbing her arm. “I mean, it’s a good thing for both of you that you didn’t make out like horny teenagers, and I think that he knows that, too, but... You know... You’re...you. And, well, he’s...him.”
“You truly have a way with words,” Josie said with an irrepressible smile, elbowing him playfully. “I know what you mean, though.”
Peter sighed and looked out over the river as he said, “I have a question for you.”
“Yes?”
“Well,” he started, much as he always did, “What were you expecting to happen once he got here? I mean, I know it wasn’t your idea for him to meet us here or anything, but, I mean, I was just wondering what you had been thinking about it.”
She shrugged and started rubbing her hands together. “Mostly I tried not to think about it at all. Every option I came up with for the way he would act scared me.”
Peter’s smile was smug when he said, “Are you going to go through your whole life being scared of him?”
Josie couldn’t help laughing, though in the back of her mind the memory of first meeting Toby added salt to the wound he had created earlier that day. “I don’t know, I very well might,” she said as her teeth began to chatter from the cold.
A door opened behind them and they both turned around to see Toby walking towards them, looking right past Josie as though she weren’t there but smiling broadly at Peter. Obviously not noticing that Toby was blatantly ignoring Josie, Peter jumped up and knocked Toby down with the force of his hug. As they stood up and began talking to each other excitedly and often at the same time, Josie stayed sitting on the bench, feeling very lonely. She began studying Toby, the way he used his hands when he talked, the way his eyes widened when he was trying to emphasize a point, the way his eyebrows were always slightly raised when he was listening to someone. He had changed from the comfortable-looking jogging pants and hoodie he’d been wearing that morning into a pair of black capcano pinstriped pants, a grey Vanilla Ice t-shirt, and a black leather coat. He tapped the rubber tip of his grey Chuck Taylor low-tops against the ground as he continued listening to Peter tell him about the celebrities they had met in their travels.
When it finally dawned on Peter that Josie was still present and looking quite abandoned on the bench by herself, he took a step back and motioned her over. Without even glancing at Josie, Toby patted Peter on the arm and said, “Well, I’m gonna head out, do some shopping, maybe see a movie.”
“We’ll come with you,” Peter said, once again beckoning to Josie who had stood up but hadn’t come any closer after hearing Toby’s words.
Realizing there was no way to continue avoiding Josie without being so obvious that even Peter would catch on, Toby shrugged and said, “Alright, but I’m leaving right now.”
Toby turned and headed down the path leading to the garage, walking right past Josie and not acknowledging her in any way. She closed her eyes tightly to fight back tears and let out a shaky breath. When she opened them again, Peter was staring at her with his curiously tilted head. “You coming?” he asked, holding out a hand to her.
She smiled weakly and said, “I don’t think he wants me to come with you guys. But that’s fine, I’m sure I can find something to do here.”
“Oh no,” Peter said, walking over and forcefully taking her hand before leading her down the path Toby had taken, “I’m not going to put up with this. This is bullshit.”
Josie didn’t fight him but at the same time followed with obvious reluctance. They found Toby sitting in the black Lincoln Navigator he had rented at the airport, sorting through his CD collection while he waited. He inserted an Interpol album just as Peter threw open the passenger door and said, quite loudly, “Get in, Josie!”
In that moment, Peter reminded her very much of Claire and the way she had forced Toby and Josie together in their limo after “Life Is A Cabaret”. When he raised his eyebrows threateningly, she sighed heavily and trudged over to the car, climbing in beside Toby and remaining magically invisible to him. Peter shut her door and hopped into the backseat, leaning forward so that his excited face was between them and said, “So, where are we going?”
“Anywhere you want, man,” Toby said, starting the car and pulling out of the drive-way.
Peter looked stumped for a moment and started to ask, “Josie, what do you want to-?”
“Why don’t we go to the Underground?” Toby asked before Peter could finish his sentence.
The look Peter gave Toby then was positively evil, his eyes narrowed and his lips pursed. “Tobias Olivier Hudson, I am not going to just stand by and let you act like a complete jackass,” he reprimanded. “Apologize to Josie right now!”
Toby stopped the car, put it in park, and turned very deliberately to face Josie, his angry eyes boring into hers. “I’m sorry I was never good enough for you, Josie. And I’m sorry that you’re so obsessed with yourself that you’re completely blind to it when you actually care about somebody other than you. And I’m sorry that I ever bloody met you!” By the end, he was yelling and his face had turned red with rage.
Josie was breathing so heavily that it felt like her rib cage was going to crush her heart. She was far too irate to speak and opted instead to forcibly unlock and open her door, slamming it behind her and heading back towards the house, wrapping her black velvet coat tighter around herself. Before she was ten feet from the car, she was sobbing. She was able to take a few more steps before having to crouch down and cover her tear-saturated face. Another car door shut behind her, and that sound was followed by squealing tires. “Come on, Josie,” Peter said, putting a hand under her elbow and guiding her to a standing position, “Let’s go back in the house.”
_____________
The weather in the South was something truly amazing to Josie-when the sun was in its highest point in the sky, it was so cold out that it was nearly intolerable no matter how many layers of clothing she wore, but after the sun had set, somehow the temperature started to rise so that it was uncomfortable to wear her jacket unless she left it unbuttoned. Toby hadn’t come back, and as she watched the water of the Chattahoochie river head towards the sea, she couldn’t help feeling like she didn’t care if he ever came back. She leaned back on her elbows, knowing that if she got any dirt on her coat, she could just ask Jack to take it to the cleaners for her, and stared up at the sky as stars started to appear so slowly that it seemed they were coming out one at a time. It felt very strange to her to be at the house where Toby had grown up, to be lying in grass that he had probably stood on a million times, and to realize at the same time that whatever they had once had together had been ruined beyond all hope in a rented SUV earlier that day. She reached up to wipe away another tear, and as she was lowering her hand, another hand appeared out of nowhere holding a champagne flute.
“I’m a bad person,” Toby said, sitting down beside Josie after she accepted his peace offering and took a very long sip of it. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, his glass so limp in his hands that it looked as though it might spill. “You know that I didn’t mean any of those things I said, right?” She didn’t respond. “Josie, I love you. I’ll always love you, and not in the way that you always have feelings for your first love. I’m always going to love you exactly the same way as I’ve always loved you. Nothing is ever going to change that or make it go away.”
Finishing off her champagne after only the second sip, she asked, “What about Claire?”
Toby picked up the champagne bottle sitting beside him and refilled her glass. She studied it for a minute, surprised because she hadn’t even noticed the bottle before he picked it up. “Claire,” he said, taking a sip of his champagne and sighing. “The thing about Claire is... Well, I’m never going to ‘get over’ losing you, but I think the only way I’ll be okay enough to live with it is to try to start something with her. I mean, it’s just that...she likes me so much, you know? It makes me feel really secure, like she’ll never leave me.”
“So you don’t actually have feelings for her?” Josie asked, sitting up carefully so as not to spill anything. Toby shook his head and drained his glass. She stared at him in disgust as she said, “That’s totally unfair to Claire!”
He turned to her with hurt filling his eyes and said, “Do you not get it, Josie? It’s not fair to me either. I feel like I’m ruining my life by giving up on you!”
Her chin started trembling and she said, “You don’t have to give up on me, Toby.” The tears in her eyes overflowed as she whispered, “Please don’t give up on me.”
“Oh, Butterfly,” he said softly, setting his glass down and putting his arms around her. She leaned her head into his shoulder as he began to rock her soothingly. With his mouth against her ear, he said, “I didn’t mean it that way, I promise. I’ll always want you, but... I just mean that...I’m going to stop chasing you because if I’m still chasing you, you’re not ready.”
_____________
Three hours and two bottles of champagne later, Toby was wading out into the river. When the water was up to his chest, he turned to Josie. “Come on,” he said coaxingly, holding his open arms out to her. She shook her head emphatically which only served to broaden his smile. “Please? This is the last night we’ll ever be together like this.”
As she slowly stepped into the water and moved closer to him, she felt water quickly filling her leather ColeHahn mary-janes, her white socks slowly turning black and clinging to her toes. He motioned for her to come closer. Her walking was slowed by the weight of the water creeping up her pants leg and utterly ruining her designer blue jeans. When the icy water had reached the hem of her halter top and threatened to stop her heart, he was able to reach out and take her hands.
“Tiger,” she whined, “I’m cold.”
"Shh." His eyes, glowing brightly in the light of the full moon, shined even more brilliantly as he pulled her further into the water, until only her tiptoes reached the bottom of the lake. He pulled her closer until she was being held tight against his chest and she felt her legs relaxing until the rubber tips of her shoes disturbed the water's surface. "Hold your nose," he instructed softly.
When Josie’s fingers were pinched tightly enough to prevent water from filling her nostrils and her cheeks were filled with oxygen, Toby quickly bent his knees until they were both under water. She let the air out of her mouth, gleefully watching the bubbles racing towards the sky until she felt his lips press against hers. He stood again, grinning when they re-surfaced, and she gasped for breath.
His arms relaxed and her feet quickly planted themselves in the slimy riverbed. She watched breathlessly as he swam effortlessly to the other bank before returning to her. "I don't want you to-"
He put his hand over her mouth quickly to silence the words he didn't want to hear, to drop the subject before it could even be brought up. His sandy blonde hair was plastered onto his forehead, casting lightening bolt shadows over his blue eyes. "Anybody who would try to deny you anything would have to be crazy," he started when he realized she needed to talk about things before it was too late and he was gone, "So please don't ask me to stay."
Josie wasn't at all used to not getting her way, especially with him, and she couldn't hide her disappointment. All the other things she had ever wanted in her life now seemed very trivial compared to the one request he wouldn't allow her to make. "Wouldn't dream of it," she replied weakly.
Toby’s arms were wrapped around her before she realized he had even moved. "If you weren't real," he whispered, his lips brushing against her ear as he quoted one of her favorite songs, "I would make you up."
Her jaw trembled as she buried her face in one of his broad shoulders. If he left her, she felt her whole life would fall apart, but she knew that when she woke up in the morning, he would be hundreds of miles away, riding home on the friendly skies, sipping cocktails and anxiously awaiting a reunion with Claire and Josh back in Florida. His life would be going back to some semblance of normalcy just as she awoke with the realization that hers never would. She considered telling him this but thought better of it. He hated hearing any type of negativity coming from her-pessimistic Josie who was forced into optimism by his coaxing smile and easy laugh.
"It won't be so bad, you'll see."
Walking slowly and carefully, he carried her out of the river and headed up the hill towards the house. Halfway to the stairs that lead onto the Hudsons’ balcony, he lost his balance and fell backwards, leaving Josie to lay across his stomach, laughing drunkenly and completely forgetting the sadness that she had just been feeling. Toby started laughing as well, tightly clamping both hands over his mouth to stifle the sound. When they regained their footing, he decided that a better plan would be to carry her on his back.
Toby set her down on the bed in the guest room but again lost his balance when he turned around to look at her. He fell down with a thud and hit the back of his head against the doorway into the bathroom. For a second, they looked at each other in alarm, but their worry quickly turned into giggling. Standing on her knees, Josie peeled off her wet shirt and threw it in the general direction of her luggage before flopping backwards on the bed to remove her pants.
“Let me help you with that,” Toby said, crawling onto the bed to lay beside her, a deviously sexy grin on his face. Had either of them been more sober than they were, what happened next would have been the farthest things from their minds that night.