(no subject)
wow this is going to be long
so
so im back in Illinois, and im not sure how i feel. I definitely miss my old barnes and noble and the house and living with mike and Adam definitely. I miss the way we were all so funny and even if we were all in our rooms doing our own things, it was never really lonely. Ive been thinking about it constantly and i feel like if i go back to finish at occ like i wanted and work at the Rochester B&N again and all the things i did before, i wont keep growing and developing. Thats not to say its completely out of the picture, as in, maybe ill be back, but at a different time, and maybe not to go to occ but to go to OU or something, who knows. Lately im trying to focus on the NOW. I sent away for my transcripts to be sent to Harper and im faxing the credit evaluation form and i guess ill go from there. I miss my old cafe like crazy though. Schaumburg is a lot better than i expected, but still not even close to being the same, and im getting really bad hours meaning im broke. I want a second or better/primary job, but in about a week or so everyone is going to be away at school so im sure ill get bombarded with hours and complain of too many.
Being home just feels weird i guess. My brother not being here is a change for sure, i depended on him for a lot, but hes doing great things and hopefully ill see him soon.My sister and I want to fly out and visit him. If it was up to me, um ROAD TRIP! but my dad would tag along that way and drive my sister and I crazy, which, i love him dearly, but he just tends to drive us all a little crazy. My mom hasn't been around either, shes sick and it makes me upset to think about how hard life is for her right now, but on the same note, shes the only one who can make the right decisions to help herself. I don't want to even finish unpacking EVERYTHING and decorate my room and what not because i feel like ill be leaving soon again.
Im dying.... DYING! to move into my own cute apartment. Problems? funds, location, furnishing, FUNDS.... i dont PARTICULARLY want a roomate, depending on the apartment. Id like to live with adam and mike again, adam expressed interest which makes me happy, but i dont really feel i could REALLY move out with any of my other friends at THIS point. no offense, but i have my reasons, its a financial, maturity, save face, kinda deal.
money is really effecting me now that im home, which is weird because it should effect me LESS since i dont have a rent/utilities to pay for. BUT!.... i just had to shovel out money i didnt have to buy a new sidekick, cancel tmobile, get helio setup, and car payments etc. I would really really like to be able to save significant amounts of money so i can pay mike back for good, pay my dad back, get an apartment, finance a new car, get a new loaded imac, and basically live comfortbly and start being focused on getting MY life started. Ellen G the Adult. weird right?
im finally getting back to a narrow-er career field. Its basically something in film, music, cosmetology, and business ... combined?... we'll see. the imac inspired me. obviously rockstar isnt in my future, but i plan to make it big in some way.
I really want to take a mini sorta road trip before the summer is really officially over. I think maybe boston or something.... once again though, i have zero money. I really feel the need to take that huge cross country road trip eventually because i fell for michigan so fast... i feel like if i give other places a chance i will find some i love so much more or the same etc. i just havent seen them.
Im really hoping to get to save up to go to spain next summer too, that would be so amazing. And living in austrailia for an extended period of time like 6months to a year is really coming up a lot in my thoughts lately too. Its just always been a dream.
I want big things for myself. I dont want to settle. I want to better myself, i want a routine to some extent, but a routine i can live with.
Everyone is and has changed it seems.
I dont feel like i can fully trust anyone anymore. Not even my closest friends. They are all so different now. I find myself wanting to spend time alone or limit the time i spend with them. Its not always something personal, i just feel like i need a break sometimes, but i also think part of it is people are trying to convince themselves everyone else is changing, when its really them... how hypocritical of me to say... but ive tried to be as objective as i can but i feel like im still as close to myself as ever. I see my friends stomping all over each others feelings. I see myself being replaced and removed from others lives. i see cocky attitudes taking over and complete disregard for my feelings as long as they keep their image and keep their friend quantity up.
wow that hurts.
i dont want you to think ill be around when you decide to come around again because your new fair weather friends showed their true colors and moved on faster than you.
isnt it weird when everyone around you finally start to notice how you've felt for what seems like forever?
basically
even my dad is trying to hint at me getting a boyfriend.
I dont even want someone whose all omghot i just want a boy to make me laugh and i feel completely comfortable with cuddling and hand holding is really all i ask for.
its like i said to mike the other night "if anyone DOES actually like me im completely oblivious or they arent obvious"
i feel restless
i want things to go right for once
i want to stick to making myself better for once
just something go right.
just this once.
so
so im back in Illinois, and im not sure how i feel. I definitely miss my old barnes and noble and the house and living with mike and Adam definitely. I miss the way we were all so funny and even if we were all in our rooms doing our own things, it was never really lonely. Ive been thinking about it constantly and i feel like if i go back to finish at occ like i wanted and work at the Rochester B&N again and all the things i did before, i wont keep growing and developing. Thats not to say its completely out of the picture, as in, maybe ill be back, but at a different time, and maybe not to go to occ but to go to OU or something, who knows. Lately im trying to focus on the NOW. I sent away for my transcripts to be sent to Harper and im faxing the credit evaluation form and i guess ill go from there. I miss my old cafe like crazy though. Schaumburg is a lot better than i expected, but still not even close to being the same, and im getting really bad hours meaning im broke. I want a second or better/primary job, but in about a week or so everyone is going to be away at school so im sure ill get bombarded with hours and complain of too many.
Being home just feels weird i guess. My brother not being here is a change for sure, i depended on him for a lot, but hes doing great things and hopefully ill see him soon.My sister and I want to fly out and visit him. If it was up to me, um ROAD TRIP! but my dad would tag along that way and drive my sister and I crazy, which, i love him dearly, but he just tends to drive us all a little crazy. My mom hasn't been around either, shes sick and it makes me upset to think about how hard life is for her right now, but on the same note, shes the only one who can make the right decisions to help herself. I don't want to even finish unpacking EVERYTHING and decorate my room and what not because i feel like ill be leaving soon again.
Im dying.... DYING! to move into my own cute apartment. Problems? funds, location, furnishing, FUNDS.... i dont PARTICULARLY want a roomate, depending on the apartment. Id like to live with adam and mike again, adam expressed interest which makes me happy, but i dont really feel i could REALLY move out with any of my other friends at THIS point. no offense, but i have my reasons, its a financial, maturity, save face, kinda deal.
money is really effecting me now that im home, which is weird because it should effect me LESS since i dont have a rent/utilities to pay for. BUT!.... i just had to shovel out money i didnt have to buy a new sidekick, cancel tmobile, get helio setup, and car payments etc. I would really really like to be able to save significant amounts of money so i can pay mike back for good, pay my dad back, get an apartment, finance a new car, get a new loaded imac, and basically live comfortbly and start being focused on getting MY life started. Ellen G the Adult. weird right?
im finally getting back to a narrow-er career field. Its basically something in film, music, cosmetology, and business ... combined?... we'll see. the imac inspired me. obviously rockstar isnt in my future, but i plan to make it big in some way.
I really want to take a mini sorta road trip before the summer is really officially over. I think maybe boston or something.... once again though, i have zero money. I really feel the need to take that huge cross country road trip eventually because i fell for michigan so fast... i feel like if i give other places a chance i will find some i love so much more or the same etc. i just havent seen them.
Im really hoping to get to save up to go to spain next summer too, that would be so amazing. And living in austrailia for an extended period of time like 6months to a year is really coming up a lot in my thoughts lately too. Its just always been a dream.
I want big things for myself. I dont want to settle. I want to better myself, i want a routine to some extent, but a routine i can live with.
Everyone is and has changed it seems.
I dont feel like i can fully trust anyone anymore. Not even my closest friends. They are all so different now. I find myself wanting to spend time alone or limit the time i spend with them. Its not always something personal, i just feel like i need a break sometimes, but i also think part of it is people are trying to convince themselves everyone else is changing, when its really them... how hypocritical of me to say... but ive tried to be as objective as i can but i feel like im still as close to myself as ever. I see my friends stomping all over each others feelings. I see myself being replaced and removed from others lives. i see cocky attitudes taking over and complete disregard for my feelings as long as they keep their image and keep their friend quantity up.
wow that hurts.
i dont want you to think ill be around when you decide to come around again because your new fair weather friends showed their true colors and moved on faster than you.
isnt it weird when everyone around you finally start to notice how you've felt for what seems like forever?
basically
even my dad is trying to hint at me getting a boyfriend.
I dont even want someone whose all omghot i just want a boy to make me laugh and i feel completely comfortable with cuddling and hand holding is really all i ask for.
its like i said to mike the other night "if anyone DOES actually like me im completely oblivious or they arent obvious"
i feel restless
i want things to go right for once
i want to stick to making myself better for once
just something go right.
just this once.