friday the 13th
A year has past and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything yet nothing being the same. In a few weeks we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to the people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends. We will go back to places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even thought it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday.
As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. Who will you call first? Where are you going to work? Who will be at the party Saturday night? What has everyone been up to? Who from school will you keep in touch with? How long before you actually start missing people bargaining in without calling or knocking? Who will get breadsticks with you at three in the morning? How long until you adjust to sleeping in a room by yourself, or how long before you realize your two best friends aren't in the bed next to yours?
Then you realize how much things have changed, you realize the hardest part of college is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's traveling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:00 classes, and perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we have lived in it for nineteen years.
But it is different now... We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know whom we have kept in touch with over the past year and whom we hold dearest to our hearts. We've left our high school worlds to deal with the real world. We have had our hearts broken, we've fell in love, we've helped our best friends through the toughest times of their lives, something their even best friends at home couldn't be there for. We've stayed up all night just to be there for a friend. We've partied the night away, doing stupid stuff, but we were always there for each other afterwards. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families or friends needed us most, and there are times when we know we have made a difference.
A few weeks from now we will leave. A few weeks from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random emails and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world.
A few weeks from now from now we will arrive. A few weeks from now from now we will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought us laughter and tears over the past year. We will unpack old memories and dreams that have been put away for the past year.
A few weeks from now we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in someway, we will find our place between these two worlds.
In a few weeks.... are you ready?
^someone sent me that before we left school... it's pretty much exactly what i'm going through. i've been home only 3 days and i would do anything to go back. although there have been some good times, i am miserable here. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i was not happy when i left for school. school changed me. school helped me find ways to cope with my sadness. school pretty much obliterated my sadness. haha. and then i was forced to come home... to the place i more or less left that sadness. it's not even sadness anymore, it's just this feeling of being stuck. it's the same shit day in and day out. there is nothing wrong with the people, the friends i have kept from high school are amazing, it's just... i feel like i don't matter here. i feel like i'm totally replaceable. i feel like i'm that same insecure, unhappy girl i was in high school. i escaped that in college, but no one back home knows that. college is everything to me. college is the first place i've ever felt 100% comfortable in. i fit in by not fitting in. i'm me there. and just by being me, i've made so many amazing friends, some i'd consider my best friends. just by being me, i've not only excelled academically, won class president 2 years in a row, and been asked to be an RA, but i also managed to do all that and party more than most. and yet-the second i come home, i lose all of that. i'm just kind of empty. not to mention what the accident has done for all of this... i lost my car, i lost that safe "ive never been in an accident" feeling, and... i realized that yes, it can happen to me. i can be in a serious car accident. i can, for the first time in my life be happy that i am alive, that i survived. and that, i feel is making it even harder for me to fit back into this town. i don't have time to feel stuck. things happen. i don't want to waste my life being discontent. i don't want to be forgotten. i don't want to play the same effin games i played with the same effin people this time last year. if you don't care about me, i'm over it. life is too short for this fakeness. i need to stop being dicked around by people i thought cared about me... i honestly just. don't. know. what. i. need. anymore...
As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. Who will you call first? Where are you going to work? Who will be at the party Saturday night? What has everyone been up to? Who from school will you keep in touch with? How long before you actually start missing people bargaining in without calling or knocking? Who will get breadsticks with you at three in the morning? How long until you adjust to sleeping in a room by yourself, or how long before you realize your two best friends aren't in the bed next to yours?
Then you realize how much things have changed, you realize the hardest part of college is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's traveling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:00 classes, and perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we have lived in it for nineteen years.
But it is different now... We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know whom we have kept in touch with over the past year and whom we hold dearest to our hearts. We've left our high school worlds to deal with the real world. We have had our hearts broken, we've fell in love, we've helped our best friends through the toughest times of their lives, something their even best friends at home couldn't be there for. We've stayed up all night just to be there for a friend. We've partied the night away, doing stupid stuff, but we were always there for each other afterwards. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families or friends needed us most, and there are times when we know we have made a difference.
A few weeks from now we will leave. A few weeks from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random emails and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world.
A few weeks from now from now we will arrive. A few weeks from now from now we will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought us laughter and tears over the past year. We will unpack old memories and dreams that have been put away for the past year.
A few weeks from now we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in someway, we will find our place between these two worlds.
In a few weeks.... are you ready?
^someone sent me that before we left school... it's pretty much exactly what i'm going through. i've been home only 3 days and i would do anything to go back. although there have been some good times, i am miserable here. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i was not happy when i left for school. school changed me. school helped me find ways to cope with my sadness. school pretty much obliterated my sadness. haha. and then i was forced to come home... to the place i more or less left that sadness. it's not even sadness anymore, it's just this feeling of being stuck. it's the same shit day in and day out. there is nothing wrong with the people, the friends i have kept from high school are amazing, it's just... i feel like i don't matter here. i feel like i'm totally replaceable. i feel like i'm that same insecure, unhappy girl i was in high school. i escaped that in college, but no one back home knows that. college is everything to me. college is the first place i've ever felt 100% comfortable in. i fit in by not fitting in. i'm me there. and just by being me, i've made so many amazing friends, some i'd consider my best friends. just by being me, i've not only excelled academically, won class president 2 years in a row, and been asked to be an RA, but i also managed to do all that and party more than most. and yet-the second i come home, i lose all of that. i'm just kind of empty. not to mention what the accident has done for all of this... i lost my car, i lost that safe "ive never been in an accident" feeling, and... i realized that yes, it can happen to me. i can be in a serious car accident. i can, for the first time in my life be happy that i am alive, that i survived. and that, i feel is making it even harder for me to fit back into this town. i don't have time to feel stuck. things happen. i don't want to waste my life being discontent. i don't want to be forgotten. i don't want to play the same effin games i played with the same effin people this time last year. if you don't care about me, i'm over it. life is too short for this fakeness. i need to stop being dicked around by people i thought cared about me... i honestly just. don't. know. what. i. need. anymore...