Another chapter in which the story starts to unfold

[_hippocampus]

***Every girl is a princess*** I had been drinking all summer, partly to forget and partly because it was fun. Drinking DOES get you into a good mood. It makes you forget and it's easier to control your various ... tics and such by drinking

Comments

[caryschah]

~~~Was it my fault or his?~~~
easy answer when seeing it in a neutral view (and i'm trying here to be neutral XD; because my friend gene would say something different but i don't think my friend gene would be right here...): both.

Philipp because he played with you and you yourself because you let it happen that he ruined you. That's the rational answer and maybe you think it's hard or cruel that i think so but i really do think so. You can't blame him alone but you can't put all the blame on you either. Because you shouldn't have let him play with you like that but he shouldn't have done it.
In the end it's pretty sad but i think a lot of people feel this way and experience something like this *hugs*
*dem phillip trotzdem in den arsch tret* -__-

ich kann nicht sagen dass ich magersucht oder bulimie oder irgendetwas selbstverletztendes n der art verachte, da ich selbst solche gedanken habe und es verstehen kann (auch wenn ich viel zu feige für so etwas bin), allerdings ist es nicht gut. Aber ich denke das weiß man selbst auch.

[_hippocampus]

Irgendwie ... hmmm ... ich weiß nicht. Es ist seltsam das Ganze zu betrachten. Es war eigentlich schön und ich wusste, dass es nicht anhalten würde, aber trotzdem konnte ich nicht damit aufhören, egal wie weh es tat. Es war vielleicht die intensivste Zeit meines Lebens und das vergisst man nie.

Ich weiß, dass es nicht gut ist. Ich denke manchmal immer noch daran und es wäre eine Erleichterung es zu tun, aber das kann ich nicht mehr. Oder alles, was ich ertragen habe, war umsonst.

Danke für deine Ehrlichkeit, Crü-Crü. ::lieb habz::

[caryschah]

persönlich denke ich dass eine person so etwas nicht verstehen kann wenn sie nicht genau so etwas durchgemacht hat. ich kann dich auf EINE weise irgendwie verstehen weil ich mir selbst eine zeit lang (allerdings nicht sehr lange weil ich gemerkt habe dass es MIR zb nichts bringt - hab mich also danach nie besser gefühlt und so) die arme aufgeritzt hab und so, allerdings nie in dem ausmaß wie du eben

[_hippocampus]

Ich fand dich wirklich nicht verletzend oder so. ^-^

Hmmm. ._. Ritzen machen glaub ich die meisten mal. Und es ist einfach so verdammt sinnlos. Es tut nicht einmal wirklich weh. Man fühlt sich danach eigentlich nur wund und elend und hat keine Ahnung, was eigentlich gerade passiert ist.

Wie lang ging das denn bei dir?

Wie geht's dir jetzt eigentlich so?

[childprey04]

...I agree to caryschah.
But.. I can understand that it is hard.
When you really like someone, that's hard to see that this person is playing with you.

Sometimes, you see, but you won't admit to yourself the truth, so you let do..
You can also see, but persuade yourself that it's wrong.
Or you can't see. You're obsessed with this person and you won't admit he's playing with you, you just think that it's impossible. Because you like/love him. When you love someone, you can't always see his bad traits. Idealism, in a way.

I think that's not really a good reply ^^;
But I think that after experiences like that, we're always angry against ourselves... But.. We don't have to think that we are weak because of that :) Love is stupid, like I say. And love make people stupid, too. No one can understand why.

[_hippocampus]

I don't think it was a stupid reply at all!

You are right ... loves makes blind. That's what we say in Germany at least. XD;;; And deep down in your heart you probably know that not everything is quite as it should be, but you keep pretending because the truth would hurt you way too much.

[childprey04]

Right.. Humans in general won't accept the truth because they don't want to be hurt.
We have to learn how to face.. But that's too hard ^^" Especially when you don't have a "wonderful" life.

But I really don't think we could change something about that.
We just have to try to learn something 'bout what was happening, and then we will be stronger for the next. One day, you'll see, you will not be hurt, and you will thank all that experiences who made you stronger :)

[_hippocampus]

Actually I am happy for many of my experiences. Who would I be if I hadn't made them? Probably not the me that is now and I kinda like today's me. It's cynical, mean, moody, grumpy and yet rather likeable. Or at least I can like it.

Thank you. ^-^

[missleliz]

Both...he lied to you and messed around and was just generally horrible, but you also, because you always have to be accountable for your own actions. You let him influence you that much, so that it drove you to bulimia and such. I don't know if a situation can really be blamed on just one person...it's more of a combination of things. You'd been hurt before, so you were more fragile and more easily hurt again. You can't blame just yourself and you can't blame just him. In the end, all you can do is just try to forget about it and move on without placing blame on anyone.

[_hippocampus]

I just wonder if I could have changed how some things went. If I hadn't been that depressed and miserable a lot of the things that happened wouldn't have happened at all and that was my fault, wasn't it?

[missleliz]

But then you'd have to look at what made you so depressed and miserable in the first place...and look for who to place the blame on there. I don't know if not having the ability to just bounce back from being hurt so easily can be a person's fault. People are fragile and when you're hurt, you can't always easily shrug it off.

[_hippocampus]

Maybe ... but I always wanted to be strong. ::laughs:: I mean ... not necessarily for myself, but for others, so I could help them and things. It didn't really work out.

Thanks, by the way.

[kageru13]

Everything I wanted to say everyone else already has. >.>;;

Well, I believe it was both your fault's. But everyone else has already said that. And their reasoning is the same as mine too.

I just wanna say I admire you more than ever for all this stuff you've been through. <3 You're stronger than me.

[_hippocampus]

No need to admire me. x_x I'm really not strong at all. I just sorta ... did what I had to do. Love ya. <3

[muricabebangin]

I admire you.. you have alot of courage sweetness. All that can be done from this point is just move on and hope for the best and keep your chin up. The worst has passed right? So things can only get better from this point. And we all can't be strong about things.. we just have to learn to deal with things as they come.
:D

[_hippocampus]

I guess it's true. From the things that haunt us we learn, but I wish it wasn't quite as painful.