I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines...
I think I spent a long time worrying about things that were not worth worrying about. I wish I had half of the confidence I now have three years ago. I wish I knew that it wasn't worth it.. I wish that while he had been working so hard to put me in my place I would have just stood up, walked out the door, and realized, my place was not next to him. I deserved better.
I revisit all of this in the course of re-reading old entries, looking at hurtful things that I said to someone who I didn't know.. Someone who I had feelings towards only because he put them there through manipulation and through reminders that I would never measure up. And you know, if I wasn't ever going to measure up, I should have just walked away and found someone who would never have measured me against anyone else. I just wish I had known that there was someone who would look at me and see someone beautiful, someone who is exactly who he wants, good, bad, boring. But even through this, I am glad it all happened because it led me here.
I think I am a kinder version of myself three or four years ago, in so many ways. I would never let another person convince me to say such hurtful things to someone, whether I knew them or not. I would not be used to hurt another person just because someone I know wanted to start drama but wanted an "out" if it got too heated. I would no longer claim to be "honest" when I was just being hurtful. I think I regret my words, my actions, because I would not want anyone to comment on my experiences without compassion. Unfortunetly, there are a lot of us who stand, side-by-side as victims of all sorts of pain, and we should hold each other up through support and love, not push each other down through judgment and cruelty. I am sorry.
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I think everyone should read "Hannah's Gift." I think everyone should see "August Rush." I think everyone should hear Tegan and Sara's "Call it Off." But who am I to say any of this?
Everything is the same as always.. It's all changed too. I think I am slowly starting to figure out who I am and what story I want to tell. I am starting to make sense out of this crazy experience.
I work. I work a lot, I work hard. And it's starting to make a difference. I am at the start of a promising career. People are supporting me. People are helping me. People are moving me along and I am grateful. And I am starting to have a lot of fun getting there.
I love. I am learning, slower than I thought I would, what that means. I remember telling my little sister, when we were young, that you could "only really love one person, everyone else isn't exactly love, it's just a lot of like." That probably makes no sense to you, but I think it's more true than I realized. Not to say I didn't love a couple of people before now, I think I did love them, but I don't think I had the understanding to love them in the same way I love now. Not to say I completly understand it, but I think it makes more sense now that ever before.
I spend time where it matters. I spend time with my sister who never will cease to amaze me in her beauty or intelligence (and just how annoying she can be when trying to eat popcorn at a movie). I hope to be good to her, I hope to make her proud. I spend time with my mother who I admire in so many ways. I hope to be a lot like her. I think the fastest way to appreciate your family is to lose a part of it. And as much as I would never choose to loose anyone I love, I can be honest that there has been a lot of good to come from it. I hope you can read this and see the truth in it - I miss my dad more than I thought possible, but I never would have known my mother or my sister in the same way without this.
As time goes on, as I write my story, I want to live in rhapsody.