words can make you feel like feathers
1. Today I had my very first AS level exam - french oral. It went ok, really. I was very nervous beforehand, of course, and I still feel like I messed up more than I should have and stumbled over my words too much and probably didn't do justice to my teacher's "beautiful French accent" comments and could just generally have done much better. But it went ok, and my teacher seemed happy. One down, nine to go. Or, alternatively, fifteen minutes down, seven hundred and fifty minutes to go.
2. I am becoming increasingly nervous about the twenty second of May. Otherwise known as The Day of Hell, or the day that I have six hours of exams. Three hours of English Lit, followed by three hours of Psychology. I CANNOT concentrate for that long. I can't concentrate on one thing for six minutes, never mind six hours. Really. Maybe it sounds like a silly thing to get worked up about, but I'm deadly serious about it. My concentration abilities these days are appalling, and they only seem to be getting worse. I had enough difficulty with the GCSE exam sessions, and I think the longest I had there was two hours. I should get a break in between the English and Psychology sessions, but it can only be about twenty minutes or so. I'm really stressing about it.
There are, of course, other people in the same situation, but they seem to be more worried about having to remember so much in one day or it just being boring. People are telling me not to worry about it. But I KNOW that I'm going to find it almost impossible, if not actually impossible, to focus on exam papers for that length of time. No one really realises how poor my concentration capabilities are, I don't think. But they're poor. I can't even watch TV for more than five minutes without wanting to get up and wander about a bit. I don't read anywhere near as much as I used to, because I can't read more than a couple of pages without my mind wandering. As for actual schoolwork...ahhh, it's going to be tough. Very tough.
3. I have accepted the fact that I will be going to university, and I have "decided" that I will study French. I've even ordered a few prospectuses and looked at uni websites. I hold conversations about entry requirements and the merits of different locations with my friends without hyperventilating. The thing is, I feel kind of detached from it all somehow. Like it's not really me. It's just the me that I put on for everyone else. Thing is, that's all well and good now, but I can't exactly just send half of myself to university and leave the me-me at home. I don't know. I won't be able to cope at uni, I know that. Mind you, I also decided that I couldn't cope with GCSEs and would never be able to cope with sixth form. I don't think I am coping, really. But...I'm still here. So who knows? My Head of Sixth asked about how I feel I'll cope at Uni, given my "problems", and I just looked at him blankly. The me that's going to uni doesn't need to think about that kind of thing, see. I have no idea how I'll cope. I have know idea what "support" I can get, or even want. I don't know.
This isn't making much sense. It's difficult to explain.
4. Let's try talking about something other than school-stuff...On Tuesday, I hugged the guy from Wheatus. That's random. They came to play at Wrexham, which is pretty bizarre! I guess times haven't been great post-teenage dirtbag days. Round here you're either a Chester person or a Wrexham person, and I'm Chester all the way. Chester's beautiful, whereas Wrexham...well, we don't call it Wreck-scum or Rectum for nothing. But anyway, it was a pretty good night! There was this supporting band called Punchline. I was in a very up mood and I had a right little dance to those guys, and afterwards we ended up chatting to them for ages both before and after Wheatus played. They were such lovely guys, so that was really cool. I spotted the guy from Wheatus just before they went on stage and was like 'wow' and my friend went down on his knees in front of him (he kinda liked Wheatus) and the Wheatus guy was like "hey, guys, um...I have to go to play" so I asked for a hug first and he obliged. Then all my friends jumped on me because they wanted 'Wheatus sweat'. I love hanging out with my friends, sometimes.
5. I don't like even numbers, so I need another thing to talk about. Um...Last Saturday, my church friend and I took our youth group to Alton Towers. They had the 'Ultimate Event', this big Christian rock-concert-event-type-thing in the evening. It was a great day. I just adore Alton Towers, and despite having youth to deal with we got in all my favourite rides. The concert was great too. There's this band called Delirious? and I quite like them. Their sound live was brilliant, and the atmosphere was crazy. It was like any other gig, jumping and singing along and cheering and clapping and waving your arms in the air...only all these young people were there for God. It was really weird. Especially when they started chanting "JE-SUS!" *clap clap clap*.
That'll do.