i don't want to be lonely, i just want to be alone.
Things are scary bad at the moment. Scary bad and there's no one.
He is the only person who's ever really worked. Things are still messed up there. I still don't know what's going on after ten months of being broken up. Ten months. He makes me feel horrible. Annoying, worthless, boring, immature, guilty, and a slut. But I still just want to see him. All the time. He rarely wants to see me. And when he does, it's not exactly for stimulating conversation. It feels like it's a mixture of him feeling it's his duty and him wanting to fool around. I hate being around him. I feel horrid. And I still want to be around him all the time.
My old girls don't feel like my girls anymore. It's my own fault. This last year, I've barely hung out with them. I've used excuses like "we're not in any/many lessons together anymore" or "there's never enough room to sit by them in the common room". They may be true, but I could have made more of an effort. The truth is, they belong to a different me. The me that's happy. Healthy. Whatever. And I'll put on that front for them as much as I can because I adore these girls. But I can't do it all the time. I can't. I'm too tired.
This year, I've hung out more with his younger sister. Weird, yeah. But she's my age, and I did actually know her before I knew him. This year, she moved to my sixth form. And she's awesome. She's so incredibly like me in so many ways. And she's like me in ways that I've never met anyone so openly like me before. Hard to explain. I still have to put on a front, only he's ever really known me without it, but she can have the one that involves me making a joke about this stuff rather than just pretending it doesn't exist. It's still tiring, but not quite so.
Anyway. Now...she's not so awesome. There's a whole thing, I don't want to go into it. Basically, I've realised I'm obviously not as important to her and she is to me. I know I get too attached to people anyway, but I really thought we'd become close. Meh. This event has also shown me stuff about other people. I know that I'm not wanted around by people, but I still stings every time I get proved right on that one.
And of course, all my boys from the year above have now left school. Bless them, they've all actually been mega lovely recently, and I've been invited out and about loads. But I can't ignore the fact that they're all off to uni in September. I'm going to miss them a hell of a lot. I don't talk to them about stuff. I basically play the part of the only girl/only girl that's not a girlfriend of the group. They make fun of me constantly. They direct all their jokey sexual comments at me. They hug me, walk me home and buy me drinks or whatever. I adore it. Hanging out with boys is so much better. They're lovely guys. I'm really, really going to miss them.
The gist of this waffle is that I'm feeling more alone than ever. I've felt alone for years, but it seems now like I'm separated even from the people who provide me with the slightest relationships. I'm completely on my own. It's scary, scary, SCARY bad.
I even want to see my therapist. Yes really. It's that bad. I need someone. I need something. I need to not be alone. But my suddenly fucked up memory meant I turned up at completely the wrong time for my appointment last week, and the letter came through a few days ago to say they're moving offices and she's on annual leave YET AGAIN so I can't have an appointment for a few weeks. It's too far away. Too late. Literally too late.
See, I set a date. I didn't mean to. It wasn't conscious. It just happened. It's not far away. And I can't get it out of my mind. I'm counting down on my wrist with an eyeliner. I'm comforting myself when a thousand times a day by glancing at that little smudged black number. I'm so horribly scared. And there is no one here.
He is the only person who's ever really worked. Things are still messed up there. I still don't know what's going on after ten months of being broken up. Ten months. He makes me feel horrible. Annoying, worthless, boring, immature, guilty, and a slut. But I still just want to see him. All the time. He rarely wants to see me. And when he does, it's not exactly for stimulating conversation. It feels like it's a mixture of him feeling it's his duty and him wanting to fool around. I hate being around him. I feel horrid. And I still want to be around him all the time.
My old girls don't feel like my girls anymore. It's my own fault. This last year, I've barely hung out with them. I've used excuses like "we're not in any/many lessons together anymore" or "there's never enough room to sit by them in the common room". They may be true, but I could have made more of an effort. The truth is, they belong to a different me. The me that's happy. Healthy. Whatever. And I'll put on that front for them as much as I can because I adore these girls. But I can't do it all the time. I can't. I'm too tired.
This year, I've hung out more with his younger sister. Weird, yeah. But she's my age, and I did actually know her before I knew him. This year, she moved to my sixth form. And she's awesome. She's so incredibly like me in so many ways. And she's like me in ways that I've never met anyone so openly like me before. Hard to explain. I still have to put on a front, only he's ever really known me without it, but she can have the one that involves me making a joke about this stuff rather than just pretending it doesn't exist. It's still tiring, but not quite so.
Anyway. Now...she's not so awesome. There's a whole thing, I don't want to go into it. Basically, I've realised I'm obviously not as important to her and she is to me. I know I get too attached to people anyway, but I really thought we'd become close. Meh. This event has also shown me stuff about other people. I know that I'm not wanted around by people, but I still stings every time I get proved right on that one.
And of course, all my boys from the year above have now left school. Bless them, they've all actually been mega lovely recently, and I've been invited out and about loads. But I can't ignore the fact that they're all off to uni in September. I'm going to miss them a hell of a lot. I don't talk to them about stuff. I basically play the part of the only girl/only girl that's not a girlfriend of the group. They make fun of me constantly. They direct all their jokey sexual comments at me. They hug me, walk me home and buy me drinks or whatever. I adore it. Hanging out with boys is so much better. They're lovely guys. I'm really, really going to miss them.
The gist of this waffle is that I'm feeling more alone than ever. I've felt alone for years, but it seems now like I'm separated even from the people who provide me with the slightest relationships. I'm completely on my own. It's scary, scary, SCARY bad.
I even want to see my therapist. Yes really. It's that bad. I need someone. I need something. I need to not be alone. But my suddenly fucked up memory meant I turned up at completely the wrong time for my appointment last week, and the letter came through a few days ago to say they're moving offices and she's on annual leave YET AGAIN so I can't have an appointment for a few weeks. It's too far away. Too late. Literally too late.
See, I set a date. I didn't mean to. It wasn't conscious. It just happened. It's not far away. And I can't get it out of my mind. I'm counting down on my wrist with an eyeliner. I'm comforting myself when a thousand times a day by glancing at that little smudged black number. I'm so horribly scared. And there is no one here.