Shades of pink and lavender
First of all, don't ask where this came from because I am still trying to figure it out! I sat and began writing, and this is what appeared. This note is of course post writing it, but it belonged at the top. As I read back over it now the tears well in my eyes....
I dreamed a dream of yesterday's tomorrow.
I awakened as the sky was just beginning to lighten with the rising of the sun. I turned to see you lying there with your arm outstretched as if you had been reaching for me. It was cool in the room, almost too cool. I cuddled down underneath the blankets and moved closer to you. It was almost as if you knew my intention because you lifted your arm so that you pull me closer. I lay there awake in your arms until the sun made its appearance over the horizon, and I drifted back into sleep in the warmth of your embrace. But when I awakened again you were gone, had never been there. It was all a dream, a romantic fantasy.
I arose from my slumber with a grogginess unmatched by any morning before. I begrudgingly dragged myself from my bed to make coffee. It was nearly 2pm, but it was morning for me. As the coffee began to brew I seated myself in front of my computer to have the morning's first cigarette, and I began to compose an email to you. The email read:
My dearest love of loves;
I miss you so on days like today. I longed to turn and see your smiling eyes when I awakened so that I could be puzzled once again by your ability to be so chipper in the morning. I wanted so badly to feel your arms wrapped tight around me, pulling me closer. I missed the feeling of your slow, steady breaths on my neck as you lay cuddled behind me in slumber. I missed the way we seemed to need to turn over at the same time so that if you were to turn your back to me, I would turn at the same time to face you. I miss the way we would drift into sleep with our limbs entangled. I even missed your trying to get my raven locks out of your face.
Why did you leave? Why did you have to leave now? When things were so wonderful? I often wonder what evil I have committed to deserve your being taken away from me so soon on our relationship. Just as we began we were brought to an end. Will I ever see you again? Will you still love me if I do? Will you have forgotten all about me?
These questions and so many more run through my mind every moment of every day. They say I should be over it now. My friends say that I am wasting away in a prison of misery, but I don't think they understand the love we shared. I gave you my all, my everything, and now it is gone. All of my hopes and dreams are shattered like so much glass. I take that back...I didn't give you my all or my everything because you were my all, my everything.
It has been a year today since you died. A whole year has gone by and yet I am still here breathing. It puzzles me still why you were taken when I was the one meant to go. If you had not put yourself between me and his gun you would still be here, and I would be the one resting eternally on this day. But then I should take heart in the fact that you loved me that much, enough to willingly sacrifice your life so that I could live. I don't know whether I should thank you for saving my life, or be angry with you for taking my opportunity to save your life from me. I would have given myself in exchange for you, and each day that goes by I beg whatever divine entity there is to let me change it, to let me give my life so that you could live. You had so much to offer the world, the children that we wanted to have, but you were plucked before you were fully bloomed.
My angel...My beloved...My heart of hearts...I shall come to see you today like every other day before, but on this day I will give a gift to match the gift you gave me.
With all of my love,
Your Angel
The time has almost come to venture out to the stone that marks your final resting place. But before I go I will step out into the garden that we had planted together - our garden - and pick each and every flower that is in bloom. I'll bind them with raffia into a massive bouquet of pink and lavender, and then I will be on my way. I will sit beside him and tell him of the day's events, how I picked the flowers, how the garden was in full, glorious bloom. I will unbind the flowers and sprinkle them so that they form a blanket of sweetness over him. I will watch the sun begin to set, and then I will give my gift. I will take the razor from my bag and let my blood's bold redness mingle with the shades of pink and lavender. My gift to him is myself.
I dreamed a dream of yesterday's tomorrow.
I awakened as the sky was just beginning to lighten with the rising of the sun. I turned to see you lying there with your arm outstretched as if you had been reaching for me. It was cool in the room, almost too cool. I cuddled down underneath the blankets and moved closer to you. It was almost as if you knew my intention because you lifted your arm so that you pull me closer. I lay there awake in your arms until the sun made its appearance over the horizon, and I drifted back into sleep in the warmth of your embrace. But when I awakened again you were gone, had never been there. It was all a dream, a romantic fantasy.
I arose from my slumber with a grogginess unmatched by any morning before. I begrudgingly dragged myself from my bed to make coffee. It was nearly 2pm, but it was morning for me. As the coffee began to brew I seated myself in front of my computer to have the morning's first cigarette, and I began to compose an email to you. The email read:
My dearest love of loves;
I miss you so on days like today. I longed to turn and see your smiling eyes when I awakened so that I could be puzzled once again by your ability to be so chipper in the morning. I wanted so badly to feel your arms wrapped tight around me, pulling me closer. I missed the feeling of your slow, steady breaths on my neck as you lay cuddled behind me in slumber. I missed the way we seemed to need to turn over at the same time so that if you were to turn your back to me, I would turn at the same time to face you. I miss the way we would drift into sleep with our limbs entangled. I even missed your trying to get my raven locks out of your face.
Why did you leave? Why did you have to leave now? When things were so wonderful? I often wonder what evil I have committed to deserve your being taken away from me so soon on our relationship. Just as we began we were brought to an end. Will I ever see you again? Will you still love me if I do? Will you have forgotten all about me?
These questions and so many more run through my mind every moment of every day. They say I should be over it now. My friends say that I am wasting away in a prison of misery, but I don't think they understand the love we shared. I gave you my all, my everything, and now it is gone. All of my hopes and dreams are shattered like so much glass. I take that back...I didn't give you my all or my everything because you were my all, my everything.
It has been a year today since you died. A whole year has gone by and yet I am still here breathing. It puzzles me still why you were taken when I was the one meant to go. If you had not put yourself between me and his gun you would still be here, and I would be the one resting eternally on this day. But then I should take heart in the fact that you loved me that much, enough to willingly sacrifice your life so that I could live. I don't know whether I should thank you for saving my life, or be angry with you for taking my opportunity to save your life from me. I would have given myself in exchange for you, and each day that goes by I beg whatever divine entity there is to let me change it, to let me give my life so that you could live. You had so much to offer the world, the children that we wanted to have, but you were plucked before you were fully bloomed.
My angel...My beloved...My heart of hearts...I shall come to see you today like every other day before, but on this day I will give a gift to match the gift you gave me.
With all of my love,
Your Angel
The time has almost come to venture out to the stone that marks your final resting place. But before I go I will step out into the garden that we had planted together - our garden - and pick each and every flower that is in bloom. I'll bind them with raffia into a massive bouquet of pink and lavender, and then I will be on my way. I will sit beside him and tell him of the day's events, how I picked the flowers, how the garden was in full, glorious bloom. I will unbind the flowers and sprinkle them so that they form a blanket of sweetness over him. I will watch the sun begin to set, and then I will give my gift. I will take the razor from my bag and let my blood's bold redness mingle with the shades of pink and lavender. My gift to him is myself.