Letters are written...Never meaning to send...
I came across two letters I had written to Jody and saved to my computer. You know, the letters you write more in an attempt to understand yourself than to actually send to the person they are written to. I may have posted one or both of them here on my journal, but I am posting them again. Do you think I should send them to him?
Sometimes when I go to lie down I think of you. I remember the way your arms felt wrapped around me as I awakened. I remember your sleepy smile as I turned to look at you, not wanting to be awake for fear that you were but a dream. I remember the way your eyes sparkled so that all the diamonds in the world turned to emeralds with envy. I find myself thinking that you can't be real, that you must be a dream, and in time you - like most dreams - will fade into the beautiful oblivion. I have to convince myself each and every waking moment when I am not with you that you are indeed real, and that I will once again awaken in your embrace.
Is it wrong that I wish more than anything to awaken in your arms each and every day? Is it wrong that the level of comfort that I feel with you is unmatched by any other? There is something about you, something I both have been looking for and running away from for all of these years.
During those moments when I am lying there alone in my bed and remembering the time we have spent together, I feel like kicking myself for running from you for so long. You represent everything that I have ever desired; you possess all of the qualities I have ever wanted in a partner.
I wonder if my running from you for so long was because deep down inside of my heart I knew that you were the one I had been looking for. Yes, I believe that you are the one I have been looking for all of this time, and to think that you were right there asking for me for the past five years.
My Dearest Jody,
I write to you now in the wee hours of the morn because sleep escapes me, and my mind drifts and lingers upon you. So many times you have heard me say that you terrify me, and I try to explain, but it really makes no sense. You are not perfect, so I will not say that you are, but you are all that I have ever dreamt of in a partner. Why does this concept terrify me? You know that I have experienced some negative things, and you know some of those negative things I have experienced, but that still doesn't explain why you terrify me.
You are all that I have ever wanted. While others have lacked here or there, you are not lacking. To say we have so much in common would be an understatement! We think so much alike. We say the same things at the same time. And neither of us wants to play games.
Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see tomorrow, and the next day, and a year from now, and five years from now, and then some. I see the potential for a future with you, and that scares me. For so long - ten years - I have evaded the concept of a future, because of the stigma placed upon it by my past. Before I married, all I wanted was to love and be loved, but after my marriage I came to believe that the idea was just the byproduct of those poisonous fairy tales. I came to believe that there was no "happily ever after" or "Prince Charming." Yet you stand there before me a real, live Prince Charming, and the thought of "happily ever after" crosses my mind.
You represent to me the very thing I have both sought after and deftly evaded for the past ten years - real love. You are who and what I want, but I am terrified that something will go wrong somewhere.
Then again, if you are everything that I perceive you to be, then it means that I have come full circle. I have gone from hope to hopeless and back to hope again. The cycle ends, but the cycle is what I know. But I don't want to know the cycle anymore. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because I keep pushing people away. I don't want to be alone because the very person I feel could be the perfect match (that I evaded for so long) is gone because I pushed him away.
You were right when you said, "Just don't push me away." You knew that I would because you've probably witnessed (online) me doing it at some point in the friendship that has brought us to where we are now. I told you then that I would try not to, but I hadn't realized that I was doing it. It took my mom pointing it out for me to realize what I was doing.
I have to give all or nothing, and I want to give all. And I try to give all, and sometimes I actually succeed in giving all. But the tiniest things set bells off in my head, and I clam up, withdraw into my shell like a turtle. You knew in the beginning that it would be tough, but I'm sure you didn't think it would be this tough. You probably thought that once the wall was torn down it would stay down, but it flies up for no given reason and we have to start all over again trying to tear it down.
I'd say that I am giving you the opportunity to throw in the towel, but I'm not. I don't want you to. It is time for me to put on the gloves and go headlong into the ring. It is time for me to put my past away, because you are not like anyone from my past - at all. You are so much more, and you deserve so much more.
I…Even though I try to push you away, I don't want to lose you. I want you to be there for me tomorrow, and the next day, and however many days I have. I want to wake in your arms and see your smile and sparkling eyes and know that you want to be there with me.
I just want to make you happy. I want to make you feel the way that you make me feel when I am in your arms. I want to make you feel good inside. I want to make you feel like I will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and so on. I want to show you that I want to be there for you, just as I want you to be there for me.
I am just scared that if I resign myself to being comfortable that things will fall apart, and I don't want that to happen. You got more than you bargained for, didn't you? I know I did. I wasn't supposed to fall for you, but I did. You were supposed to be like all the other guys who wanted to go out with me - out to get nothing more than another notch on their headboard - but you weren't. You were supposed to not mesh with me at all, but clash instead, but I was wrong there too.
In the Taoist religion/spiritual path, they say that the Tao is unattainable as long as you seek to attain it, but the moment you stop trying to attain it you will turn around and find that it was there with you all along. This describes how I feel about you. As long as I was looking for that someone who made me happy, I could never find them. Then I stop and turn around, and there you were where you had always been - right there with me.
I want to stop pushing you away, and start pulling you even closer. I want to show you how I feel, and make you happy, because if I don't I will push you out of my arms and into someone else's.
There is always so much that I am afraid to say to you. Afraid because I don't know how you will respond. You said you don't scare so easily, but then again some of the things I have to say might be more frightening than you think. If I said that the reason I fight so hard is because I can see myself with you 10 years from now, would you be frightened? If I said that I want you to give me 10 years from now, would you run? If I told you exactly what I wanted, would you run? Well, let's find out. I will tell you what I want out of life.
I want…to be married again, and to take care of my husband and children. Yes, I said children because I would like, at some point, to try to have another child. I want to live securely, where I know that tomorrow I won't have to leave. I want to know that my partner is bound to me and will remain so as long as I remain bound to them. I want someone to grow old with. I want someone to nurse me when I am sick, and someone that I can nurse when they are sick. I want to do laundry, and cook, and make lunch for the next day. I want to go back to school and finish what I started there - my education. I want someone to stand behind me and catch me should I fall down, and then help me get back up and back on track again. Security, that is the main thing. Security - something I've never had.
I push you away because I want all these things from you, and it is so much to ask you to give me. And also because I am afraid that these are things that you don't want, and you won't give me. I'm afraid that by stating these desires to you that you will run away from me. I should give you a chance, though, before I start to worry about how you may react. And I guess that is what I am doing now by saying these things - giving you the opportunity to take it all in and decide whether or not it is compatible with your future plans.
I love you, Jody. You appeared in my life about five years ago, and have been an ongoing presence ever since. I gave in and decided to meet you, and I fell for you. Someone told me once that one cannot help where the heart falls, well my heart has fallen into your hands.
I told you a few days ago on your deck that I wasn't sure if you could give me what I wanted, and you asked me what I wanted. I couldn't answer, and you thought that I didn't know what I wanted. Now you not only know otherwise, but you know what it is that I want. I just hope that my being honest with you doesn't frighten you away.
I am debating on sending them to him. I probably shouldn't. What do you think?
Sometimes when I go to lie down I think of you. I remember the way your arms felt wrapped around me as I awakened. I remember your sleepy smile as I turned to look at you, not wanting to be awake for fear that you were but a dream. I remember the way your eyes sparkled so that all the diamonds in the world turned to emeralds with envy. I find myself thinking that you can't be real, that you must be a dream, and in time you - like most dreams - will fade into the beautiful oblivion. I have to convince myself each and every waking moment when I am not with you that you are indeed real, and that I will once again awaken in your embrace.
Is it wrong that I wish more than anything to awaken in your arms each and every day? Is it wrong that the level of comfort that I feel with you is unmatched by any other? There is something about you, something I both have been looking for and running away from for all of these years.
During those moments when I am lying there alone in my bed and remembering the time we have spent together, I feel like kicking myself for running from you for so long. You represent everything that I have ever desired; you possess all of the qualities I have ever wanted in a partner.
I wonder if my running from you for so long was because deep down inside of my heart I knew that you were the one I had been looking for. Yes, I believe that you are the one I have been looking for all of this time, and to think that you were right there asking for me for the past five years.
My Dearest Jody,
I write to you now in the wee hours of the morn because sleep escapes me, and my mind drifts and lingers upon you. So many times you have heard me say that you terrify me, and I try to explain, but it really makes no sense. You are not perfect, so I will not say that you are, but you are all that I have ever dreamt of in a partner. Why does this concept terrify me? You know that I have experienced some negative things, and you know some of those negative things I have experienced, but that still doesn't explain why you terrify me.
You are all that I have ever wanted. While others have lacked here or there, you are not lacking. To say we have so much in common would be an understatement! We think so much alike. We say the same things at the same time. And neither of us wants to play games.
Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see tomorrow, and the next day, and a year from now, and five years from now, and then some. I see the potential for a future with you, and that scares me. For so long - ten years - I have evaded the concept of a future, because of the stigma placed upon it by my past. Before I married, all I wanted was to love and be loved, but after my marriage I came to believe that the idea was just the byproduct of those poisonous fairy tales. I came to believe that there was no "happily ever after" or "Prince Charming." Yet you stand there before me a real, live Prince Charming, and the thought of "happily ever after" crosses my mind.
You represent to me the very thing I have both sought after and deftly evaded for the past ten years - real love. You are who and what I want, but I am terrified that something will go wrong somewhere.
Then again, if you are everything that I perceive you to be, then it means that I have come full circle. I have gone from hope to hopeless and back to hope again. The cycle ends, but the cycle is what I know. But I don't want to know the cycle anymore. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because I keep pushing people away. I don't want to be alone because the very person I feel could be the perfect match (that I evaded for so long) is gone because I pushed him away.
You were right when you said, "Just don't push me away." You knew that I would because you've probably witnessed (online) me doing it at some point in the friendship that has brought us to where we are now. I told you then that I would try not to, but I hadn't realized that I was doing it. It took my mom pointing it out for me to realize what I was doing.
I have to give all or nothing, and I want to give all. And I try to give all, and sometimes I actually succeed in giving all. But the tiniest things set bells off in my head, and I clam up, withdraw into my shell like a turtle. You knew in the beginning that it would be tough, but I'm sure you didn't think it would be this tough. You probably thought that once the wall was torn down it would stay down, but it flies up for no given reason and we have to start all over again trying to tear it down.
I'd say that I am giving you the opportunity to throw in the towel, but I'm not. I don't want you to. It is time for me to put on the gloves and go headlong into the ring. It is time for me to put my past away, because you are not like anyone from my past - at all. You are so much more, and you deserve so much more.
I…Even though I try to push you away, I don't want to lose you. I want you to be there for me tomorrow, and the next day, and however many days I have. I want to wake in your arms and see your smile and sparkling eyes and know that you want to be there with me.
I just want to make you happy. I want to make you feel the way that you make me feel when I am in your arms. I want to make you feel good inside. I want to make you feel like I will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and so on. I want to show you that I want to be there for you, just as I want you to be there for me.
I am just scared that if I resign myself to being comfortable that things will fall apart, and I don't want that to happen. You got more than you bargained for, didn't you? I know I did. I wasn't supposed to fall for you, but I did. You were supposed to be like all the other guys who wanted to go out with me - out to get nothing more than another notch on their headboard - but you weren't. You were supposed to not mesh with me at all, but clash instead, but I was wrong there too.
In the Taoist religion/spiritual path, they say that the Tao is unattainable as long as you seek to attain it, but the moment you stop trying to attain it you will turn around and find that it was there with you all along. This describes how I feel about you. As long as I was looking for that someone who made me happy, I could never find them. Then I stop and turn around, and there you were where you had always been - right there with me.
I want to stop pushing you away, and start pulling you even closer. I want to show you how I feel, and make you happy, because if I don't I will push you out of my arms and into someone else's.
There is always so much that I am afraid to say to you. Afraid because I don't know how you will respond. You said you don't scare so easily, but then again some of the things I have to say might be more frightening than you think. If I said that the reason I fight so hard is because I can see myself with you 10 years from now, would you be frightened? If I said that I want you to give me 10 years from now, would you run? If I told you exactly what I wanted, would you run? Well, let's find out. I will tell you what I want out of life.
I want…to be married again, and to take care of my husband and children. Yes, I said children because I would like, at some point, to try to have another child. I want to live securely, where I know that tomorrow I won't have to leave. I want to know that my partner is bound to me and will remain so as long as I remain bound to them. I want someone to grow old with. I want someone to nurse me when I am sick, and someone that I can nurse when they are sick. I want to do laundry, and cook, and make lunch for the next day. I want to go back to school and finish what I started there - my education. I want someone to stand behind me and catch me should I fall down, and then help me get back up and back on track again. Security, that is the main thing. Security - something I've never had.
I push you away because I want all these things from you, and it is so much to ask you to give me. And also because I am afraid that these are things that you don't want, and you won't give me. I'm afraid that by stating these desires to you that you will run away from me. I should give you a chance, though, before I start to worry about how you may react. And I guess that is what I am doing now by saying these things - giving you the opportunity to take it all in and decide whether or not it is compatible with your future plans.
I love you, Jody. You appeared in my life about five years ago, and have been an ongoing presence ever since. I gave in and decided to meet you, and I fell for you. Someone told me once that one cannot help where the heart falls, well my heart has fallen into your hands.
I told you a few days ago on your deck that I wasn't sure if you could give me what I wanted, and you asked me what I wanted. I couldn't answer, and you thought that I didn't know what I wanted. Now you not only know otherwise, but you know what it is that I want. I just hope that my being honest with you doesn't frighten you away.
I am debating on sending them to him. I probably shouldn't. What do you think?