(no subject)
... I am such an idiot. You'd think my brain could make the jump from thinking that Kimimaro looked sick to realizing that he was sick. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!
I was still pissed at him enough that after I knocked on his bedroom door and he told me to go away, I walked in anyway. To find him collapsed on the floor. Coughing his lungs out. There were blood splatters on the rug. Just like before. This was exactly how it started before. Him just growing more and more introverted, avoiding everybody... until one day when he started coughing on a mission, and couldn't stop. Couldn't hide his weakness any longer.
... Kimimaro screamed at me. Kimimaro doesn't scream. When he's angry, he gets quiet, not loud. Not this time.
I asked him if I could help. Old reflex. The sneer he sent in reply was pure Kimimaro, but the effect was diluted by the blood rimming his mouth.
He asked me not to tell Orochimaru-sama. He thinks he's going to die when we invade Konoha. He wants to die.
Kimimaro told me once that he'd had enough of hospital beds to last a lifetime. I still don't know why he thinks dying is such a great alternative. He recovered once; why couldn't his disease go into remission again? Though that begs the question... why did it come out of remission to begin with? Why now?
He did say one thing though, before I left him to stagger to his bed. "I'll be dead soon enough; your wish will be granted." I must admit to feeling ashamed. I did want him to die. I certainly hated him enough for it. But I find it a great deal harder to hate him now. It is possible to loath the sick; my hatred for him didn't recede one iota the first time he showed signs of being ill.
Do I pity him? I wonder. I've never been seriously sick in my entire life. But I know what it's like to be helpless, though I have no inkling what it's like to be reduced to such a state after having a body at the pinnacle of perfection. It is the worst feeling in the world, to feel as if you are nothing and will never be able to do anything about it.
I don't think I do. The last thing Kimimaro wants is pity. A part of me wants to, just to spite him and see him cringe. But he is without friends or allies in this snake pit. Orochimaru-sama doesn't tolerate weakness, not of the heart, mind, or body. Kabuto-san is unpredictable. Sakon has intelligence enough to show cautious courtesy, and Tayuya has gained enough common sense to avoid Kimimaro entirely. Ukon's mind is unfathomable. I don't know how any of them would react to the knowledge that Kimimaro's disease has resurfaced. But we have all been trained as predators since we were children, and all of us have increased in skill. If they found out... if Orochimaru-sama doesn't yet again place Kimimaro under his protection in his moment of weakness... Kimimaro could very well be killed. There is resentment enough for that. So I will keep his secret, for now. Until I find out exactly how I feel about this. About him. Someone who is completely inept in expressing emotions properly, even if they're well intentioned.
Orochimaru-sama was the one who ordered Kimimaro to interrogate me about Ino, to assess my loyalty. But I wonder if, in his own, socially retarded way, Kimimaro was trying to protect me. If he dies in Konoha, I will never get to ask.
Kabuto-san once told me I have the strangest penchant for pretty things that have the potential to be dangerous. Beauty is a wonderful tool to hide lethality, I admit, but the aesthetic holds little appeal. Beauty by itself is nothing, and often encourages arrogance and cruelty in those who possess it, though not always. Kimimaro is beautiful, but despite Orochimaru-sama's praise, he is not aware of it. He has never been aware of his own value. He judges peoples' worth on the basis of their loyalty and how much they can provide to their master, and nothing else. It makes me wonder why I once thought him arrogant. Kimimaro despises weakness in himself, so he must hate himself now.
I don't think I want Kimimaro to die. I... I liked him, once, and I believe the feeling was reciprocated. Friendships are something few and precious here in Otogakure, where almost everyone is without family and everyone is more familiar with paranoia than trust. When some friendships are broken, they are irrevocably lost. It may hold true for us. It may not.
He wounded me badly during the mission in Kirigakure. It only occurs to me now that the damage I incurred upon him could very well be the cause of his current state. If him hurting me makes him an enemy, what does me killing him make me? A monster? A petty, foolhardy child too obsessed with his own fantasies to realize his foolishness? A traitor, not only in name but in fact?
My bloodline limit is intended to kill, but Aunt Chiyo also used it to heal. I saw it in the village often enough. She never taught me that particular trick. But I learn quickly. And sometimes there is only one way to make up for past mistakes. I only hope Kimimaro lives long enough for me to figure out how gross an error I made, and how best to make amends. Who knows. The invasion is in less than three days. We might very well all die. This isn't a war we're likely to win.
In looking towards the future... if Otogakure survives the upcoming war, would it be a possibility for me to take on a genin team? I know I'm young by international standards, but I've been a member of the elite since I was twelve, and we have few enough jounin willing to train students as it is, since most of our higher-ups are former missing-nin who despise children with a passion. And I want to. I like kids... and it isn't like Orochimaru-sama needs much guarding nowadays. It would certainly be a useful pastime.
We really do need to reorganize our roster. Otogakure is the most loosely structured village I've ever seen. Academy students graduate when their teachers think they're ready, alone instead of with their class, genin become chuunin when the need arises and commanders pick the most talented from the genin ranks, since after the invasion two years ago the chances of any Sound genin entering the formal Chuunin Exams are zero. Jounin consist solely of former missing-nin and Orochimaru-sama's personal elite, excepting a few elite chuunin who unofficially took the jounin rank just so they could take on a genin team. It doesn't really work. I'm not really sure if I qualify as a jounin, even though I've fought numerous foreign jounin to standstills and killed more. I've never been an academy student, a genin, or a chuunin. Who knows what the hell I am? We need... we need to be organized. The command structure is all out of whack, half the time the leader of missions is chosen by vote or lottery... it's insane. If no one else is willing to do anything about it, I will. I have enough rank for that, and if Otogakure is going to become a respected shinobi village, changes need to be made, and soon, else we will always be seen as renegades.
Arashi has agreed to assist me. He's been promoted to captain recently in the guard corps (the equivalent in another village I don't really know... elite chuunin, probably, maybe low jounin) and commands some respect. He wants to see about consolidating the different shinobi divisions so everyone is aware of the chain of the command, seeing as it is almost impossible for him to get ahold of needed supplies as is and has lost a fair amount of subordinates due to this inefficiency.
It is good to look towards the future. We cannot always live in the present, and we will not be at war with Konoha forever.
OOC: You know, it's only recently occurred to me that Kidoumaru's Great-Aunt Chiyo has the same name as Chiyo-baasama in the recent manga. Complete coincidence, as it turns out, since I made up Kidoumaru's Great-Aunt Chiyo before Chiyo-baasama showed up in the manga (I think. Not sure though). Chiyo means thousand years or eternal, so I suppose it's a good choice to make when naming an old women... but still. Creepy.