Wednesday 26th January 2000 - Early Hours
Here's the next installment:
For reference - any current day observations I make on what I wrote back then will be in italics and a different colour. (<-- Like this).
Just finished my latest book called "The Bacta War". It was a Starwars novel. Saw a movie tonight - Girl Interupted. It was good and got me thinking. Also I saw Anna today after I hadn't seen most of the hols. Gabriel is back from her trip. It was good to see her again. Still failing to figure Anna out. I can't decide if she's a friend or more than that.
I do know I really, really like her and care for her more than a lot of other friends but I'm not sure. I've just realised that I'm writing this as if I plan that someone will read and discover all my probs that I don't tell anyone. I should start talking to Garth about some of this stuff. Despite his seemingly always comical attitude her cares a lot. I think only I and and maybe Carla know that. I sometimes wonder what Phillip thinks of me. I'm convinced sometimes he believes I hate him. Other times we seem like just friends but something from our original friendship is seriously lacking. Maybe I just want him to confess all his secrets - after all: "Knowledge is power".
I better write this letter tomorrow just to get that weight off my chest. I feel as if I've betrayed Katherine by not replying on time. I don't know why I didn't sit down and write it the instance I discovered it was late. I'm either lazy or fucked in the head. Probably both.
Hearing about Garth's party really made me want to get pissed and have a night with no comittment.
I wonder when the day will come that I meet the nice girl that I have a decent relationship with?
I could really do with a years break and a lot of money. Oh well. It's not going to happen so there's no point in dwelling on it.
I wonder if Anna's seemingly immature outbursts are a way of coping with something? - then again, no point in living life in all seriousness especially not at this age.
I wonder if there is a way to condition my mind so if I have something I have to, I'll do it? Or if it's a project do it in managable steps so it's finished well before the due date.
All my probs seem insignificant compared to the tough life Phillip has. He doesn't seem to be seeking sympathy but maybe he's doing it subtlely? He often reminds me of his tough life. It also keeps mine in perspective though. I believe the trust is gone there. Despite the facade all our apparent secrets are hardly incriminating.
I hate routine. I hate doing the same thing over and over. Is it good or bad or neither to be so easily bored? As scary or intimadating it might be I love trying new things. The challenges these things offer only help expand my knowledge - maybe that's all it's about. 'Knowledge is power'. Is that what I want? The power that comes with it?
There are many things I hate about myself but I also understand that whinging and complaining won't help me.
Many people consider me ot be a nice, self-giving person. Even people like Fred and Marc. Marc came close but even he has been snared. When I ask forgiveness for it, it still appears as if I'm really good at heart. The selfishness that craves popularity needs to be crushed and that means it needs to be revealed. To do so would be equal to killing ones-self. But it must be done so I can be truly humble. None of this great person SHIT. Next entry I'll analyse my put on ego and what it means.
So there you have it - the psycho-analytical thoughts of a sixteen year old boy. I think if I thought less life would be a lot less complicated.