I just wrote this and need some feedback

[mbsch]

there's a scaffold on your building

Comments

[tiredbuthyper]

Hmm. Interesting.

I LOVE these two lines:
the safety nets do nothing
and the workers are bummed out

I don't like this part:
what I'm saying's

This is NOT a good contraction. Write out the word "is."

then it would go right to your head

You might want to consider omitting the word "then."

I'm not sure I like the last stanza very much ... Other than that, a very enjoyable read.

[mbsch]

thanks. I'm going to put your changes in. the saying's thing is more about how I wanted to pronounce the word. But it doesn't really make much difference if I write it out. I really don't know what to do to end it

[tiredbuthyper]

Well ... I either REALLY LIKE the ending or really don't. I can't decide. I definitely like the first two lines. The second two lines, though ... it's almost like it changes POV, even though it doesn't, really. It changes from a really personal poem, meant for one audience, to something else in the last stanza. The words themselves don't exactly make this change -- they are still in second person -- but something about the FEELING of the words do. I'm not sure. I mean, you can leave that ending, because it's very original, and interesting, but it's a different tone from the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem is intimate, like you are pouring your soul out to the person you compare to a perfect building, but then, for the conclusion, you lose that sense of ... complaisancy, almost, by almost ... defiantly, in a way, saying, "Well, you are perfect in every way, but you're not worth singing this to; I'm going to leave you hanging, so TAKE THAT." I exaggerated that, and also spelled that word incorrectly (haha), but maybe you

[mbsch]

No need to apologize. You are amazing.