here i go
i never thought i could get the courage to do this. but i am now. we both have things on our minds, our lives are getting too crazy right now. and like you have said before, i need to get over all of this. i cant handle all the shit that goes along with being ok with you, theres too many emotions that come with that package. our lives are going two totally separate directions and i am going to stop this now. its going to be one of the hardest things of my life, and i will not be happy about it, not at all. but i feel like its what i have to do in order to be happy, really truly happy. i constantly feel like shit and after having a long tear filled conversation with my mom i finally understand...i havent been all i could be in the passed months, and i have been missing out on amazing people because i subconsciously push them aside. i need to break through this wall i have been putting up and leaving this situation is just one way to do it. i feel terrible because this is a horrid time to leave you, but i cant handle this anymore and this will be the first time i think about myself before you and its so hard, you have no idea how hard it is. i still remember promising you i would be there no matter what, and i really hope you can understand that i cant be there anymore. i cant throw myself out like this. you didnt do anything, dont ever think you did. its all me. i need time to figure my head out before i can even try to have a friendship with you. i never thought of how fucked up i would be if i became friends with you and i still saw you from time to time...i never thought of how much certain things would hurt, all i cared about was being close to you...but now i understand that i cant just be friends with you because it hurts me. i didnt even know how much it hurt until last night when i was reading through my old journals and i saw it written down how much you hurt me before, and i realized that all this relationship is hurting me and annoying you. and i thought about it, i thought about it for two days...i cried about it for two days, i talked to my mom, i thought about it to myself, and this is how it needs to be. i need to get my shit together and so do you. and i know, i fucking know i make chrissy uncomfortable, and i feel bad about that and im not going to fuck something up for you. so im leaving, erich. i'm sorry for everything that i have ever done to make you feel less then who you really are, an amazing boy. i hope things go amazing with college and work and chrissy. i hope your life leads out like it is supposed to, and i hope you become the happiest man in the world. i will honestly miss talking to you and if anything horribly bad happens and you really need to talk to someone you know you can call me. i love you so much erich. i am always going to care about you. im really sorry about this. this doesnt mean forever, just until we both get things figured out.