My Truths
I have asked precious little in life, and on the whole, I have been happy. While my livejournal is often dedicated to whining and upset, those that know me know my happiness and enthusiasm for life. I do not believe I am being melodramatic when I say that tonight, I believe that has been destroyed.
For the last three months, I have been with a woman who lets me know what it is to be truly alive. Throughout the last three months, my priorities have changed, my lifestyle has changed and I am happier. There are those that will read this and no doubt believe that Hannah has put me up to writing this. For those that know me, know that I have a brain of my own, a mind of my own, my own soul, my own thoughts, my own feelings that have been lacerated by lies, bullshit and rumour. I am an independant person. I have my own life, my own feelings. This is my life, my feelings, my rules. Where my life crosses over with another person's, I will usually bend to accomodate. Reecently, yes, I have been selfish; I have taken what I wanted for once.
For those who do not know, or wish to know, I would advise you stop reading. I am trying my best to be level-headed, rational, understanding and loving on these points. I am deeply hurt on what has occured, and over the course of this entry, I shall explain exactly why. Betrayal by my friends, and yes, for the reasons to be outlined, I do class it as betrayal has hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced.
My dissertation was based on the Genre of the Livejournal, with a large section concerning audience. Right now, I do not know who you are. You could be Belly, Gemma, Gems, Clare, Simon, Hannah, Doug, Dug or any other person on my friends list. For this, I am taking a stage. This is my story, my truths, told as if it were to an audience. There is a part of my that would like to think that by telling this, people will listen, that people will take note, that people will take stock of their actions and feel so thoroughly ashamed of what they have done that they change what has happened. However, there is the realistic part of me that knows that there will be no regret, no remorse despite what words may be put in the comments. Actions speak louder than words and the actions are quite clear. All me posting this will do is start another round of bitching and loathing towards us. I am thankful that I won't be around to hear it, but I hope against hope that the former option is true.
To begin. http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348481.html An entry from about a week ago. Boston is my town. This is the place that I love. For the reasons mentioned beforehand, that has been taken away, tainted, corrupted. This is no longer my town, it has turned nasty, snide. For those not involved, the whole story, from my view.
I have been with Hannah for over 3 months. I love her. I am in love with her. Deal with it. Please. When we got together, we missed the initial stages of glorious happiness of a new relationship because of how soon it was after I split up with Gemma. It was not planned or intended. It happened. I believe I have made my peace with Gemma on that and nobody else matters in that apology. There was bithcing, whining and annoyance. For example, see http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348481.html here. I believe that we dealt with it in a clear and adult manner, asking people what is wrong, trying to be understanding and listening to what was said. Mike, Ryan and Abi all addressed their problems with me, after the initial issues. After this, it looked like the world would resume its proper place.
Since I got with Hannah, I have started to feel alive. I have started to really breathe, feel what life can be from emotion. I have never been happier. Now, I am miserable, but not due to Hannah. The part of me that I don't understand is that while I have never been this miserable, I'd do it all again if having her was the same outcome. The reason I am miserable is because of the biggest asset, the biggest blessing I have had throughout my life; my friends. Over the last 3 months, there has been bitching, there has been snide comments, there have been a lot of barbs placed to upset. Whether these are deliberate or accidental, they have been there and yes, they have stung. To be constantly told things and 'reported back to,' often by anonymous sources, often by people that I would trust gave us the feeling that something was wrong. Frequently, I have asked people to come and talk to me if there's a problem and I know Hannah has done the same. Despite my asking, I have been told all's fine. The closest anyone has come is Gemma. Whether trying to help or not, she has told me what other people have said, not who said it. "People think X. People think Y. I can't tell you who, but they do." This leaves me suspecting many, many people. More things are told by others that leave a very clear map of who, what and how, if not the full story.
There are many rumours I would like to argue. Belly has made a very valid point; we are all human - none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and humans are prone to talk. Talk, yes. Tear apart their friends, intentionally or unintentionally from bitching, no.
Definitely no.
I am not saying I have not made mistakes. I am not saying Hannah has not made mistakes. We have admitted to them and dealt with them as best we can. We are not perfect either. But until now, at no point have I tried to rip someone down through bitching and rumour. Had I lived in Boston, there would be a target to hit which can defend itself. Had I been there, I could have dealt with this myself and quelled the rumours by showing people what is happening rather than people second-guessing my happyness, well-being, relationship with someone that loves me or anything else. Without a face or safeguard, one rumour will bleed into another, become manipulated and magnified until the grain of truth is lost in a desert of char.
One particular rumour I have heard is that the only reason I was moving out of the Chantry was that Bubbles had kicked up a fuss over Hannah and that Hannah wanted to have somewhere for herself. Yes, Bubbles has indeed expressed that she is not happy with more than 1 person living here, yet it would do people good to remember that I asked Hannah to move in with me, and when I did so, we were convinced that this http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/345415.html, a house that I had my heart set on was going to be ours. In my mind, as we walked around, I had laid out everything in my head. This was going to be our place, where I was going to live. I was going to have people over, live with the woman I loved, come home to a home, rather than a small 1 room flat. It slipped through our fingers. I was mortified. And then came this post: http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348016.html. Do you see? It wasn't the house. It's her! She's what I want. When I get home, the highlight of my day is her smiling face peering over the banister. I do not work late any more. I do not wish to. I wish to be cuddled up at home.
Tomorrow... well... given the time, this was due to change. I was over the moon. In 3 hours, I was meant to be at the letting agent, signing the tenancy agreement. It's not happening any more. I'm not going to stay around here.
Reread the post. The starting one. The one about Boston. My home. The place that all the way through hating university, it was the place I was coming back to. That kept me going. Simon knew. I spilled my heart to Simon about how much I love this town, how great my friends are and what it's going to mean to be home. I now live in Spalding. The next town over. Boston has no jobs. As I said in the first post, it has no prospects. For those that do not know me well enough, I know my faults. I have no self-confidence to speak of, but Hannah has me believing in myself for the second time in my life. However, I still stand by my comparison between me and the town. I live in Spalding because I need to. I want to be with my Boston friends, my quayside, my all. I want to live near Peterborough so that I can have money to lead the life I want. This leaves me in the worst of both worlds. But now, I have Hannah, leaving me somewhere I love. To those of you who have mentioned that she has seperated me from you, consider this; since being with Hannah, I have spent more time in Boston than I have in the last 2 years, since being with Hannah, I have seen more of people and come the weekends, it is Hannah that wants to go to Boston to see our friends. It is my choice that we stay at the flat. After working all week, I want time with my lady.
I'm not going to have my home now. Not the one I wanted. I still love this town, but I love her more. I cannot stay here where people will do this. I have been told that people have done this out of worry for me, for love for me. It is the strangest thing that I cannot fathom. My mother knows me better than anyone in this world, the exceptions being Simon and Roz. She has seen us together. I have spoken to her. She knows what I want from my life, and has not seen me this happy in my life. Yes, she has worried. Do you know why? I do. I've got the full story. My mother has been a true friend, a brilliant source of joy and wonder who has taken Hannah in as a friend, rather than her son's girlfriend. My father seems to adore her tpp.
It has disgusted me that in trying to care for me and love me, other people seem blind. I find it so difficult to believe this was the intention, as how could it be? Ask me, I'm happier than I've been. One comment stands out from an email from someone who shall remain nameless.
"She's going to destroy him."
And yet, she has build me up to more than I ever thought I could be. I have actually grown a backbone, I had it in me to challenge Porn Boss to ask for a rise. Not because Hannah asked me to, but so that we could live together. This hurt me more than I can ever say. The rise kicks in this week, and yet, I won't see it's benefits. My achievement of 2 years' working my arse off comes to naught. If people were worried about me, they could have talked to me. Belly mentioned that people found it difficult to get me alone. It's not difficult. Ring me. You all know the hours I work. You know I spend 3 hours a day travelling. You all know my email address. You know where I live. What is worse is that people are taking things that are making me happy and twisting them to make it sound like my world is caving in. It is, purely because people cannot let me make a choice that *I* have decided. In many ways, I want to stop existing. Not die, not move. Just stop. Up until here. Gone. Because I cannot live here where I watch my love crying in her sleep and I do not wish to move from the home that reflects my being. Why should I because selfish people, (and yes, I do use selfish) cannot simply let it be. If you are genuinely concerned, tell me. When I ask you to tell me your concerns, I want to know. It is how I've always worked.
I do not have it in me to hate people. It does not fit my beliefs. It does not fit my personality. It does not fit what I want from life. Recently, you may have noticed that I am worried about how little time I have? This is because life is too short for petty grudges. Those that would consider themselves my friends; accept me as a whole. Accept my arms, accept my mind, accept my body. They are all as much a part of me as Hannah. I do not understand how you can do otherwise. If you can't accept that, know what you're doing to us. Belly, from what he has told me has spoken to people like this. "Fucking cut it out" was the paraphrase he used to me. I suspect as I know Belly he was more tactful with it, but the point remains.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. Hannah has been truly broken by this. She's had her angry moment, and we've sat up all night talking about it. Reread your comments. People that have claimed friendship, re-read the slap in the face you've dealt us both. Yes, both. If you have a problem, say you have a problem. Don't turn with the pack to rip someone apart. Don't say how brave you are when what you are doing is bullying someone who isn't there to defend herself, especially not when it is the person I love!
Again, I refer to those that know me. Count when you have seen me angry. Hold that number in your head. Anyone that saw me when my sister was run over will know how angry I can get. I can count about 4 times. Gems, I tried to ring you 3 times. I know you got those calls. You didn't answer. When I got through to Belly, I was livid. Belly calmed me down. Belly accepted my points, even when he didn't agree with them. He was there for me. He didn't turn on me like some snake waiting to sink its teeth in, post things across the net designed to hurt and barb. He acted in the role of my oldest and closest friend. Advised me. Told me where I was wrong. Accepted where I was right.
To anyone who wishes to know my mind, speak to Belly. He will give you it. As I said to him on the phone, it is unfair of me to put this burden on his shoulders, but I can't take it any more. If I fought it, I would have to fight the majority of my Bostonian friends or former-friends as I do not know who I can turn to any more, barring him. And it would be regular. You won't stop after this, we both know it. Do me a favour, for the friendship I once bore you. Parting request; try.
The majority of this has stemmed from 4 people who have taken it to escalate this. Thank you for driving me out. I do not believe that any of you are devious, evil or manipulative. I don't believe I know anyone like that. I do not believe that the majority of this was intentional, or at least until tonight with things being posted on the internet.
This marks a turning point in my life. In 2 hours, I'm not going to the letting agent any more. I'm going to work. I had the morning off to get things sorted, but now, I'm going to go in and work. The house will be gone, not to me. You've got what you wanted. Hannah has repeatedly not only told me to stay, but to go for the house. How can I continue to live here? I am going to tie up the loose ends here. I do not know what's going to happen much beyond that, but after the beating you have given my soul, I have no wish to continue here with you. There are those of you that I love and there are those of you that currently have made me sick tonight. You owe me nothing. In some cases, I owe you a lot. At least though, you owe an apology to those you have made miserable. To those friends caught in the middle who have no involvement, I thank you and am sorry you had to witness this.
I have said before, I do not believe myself capable of hate. Not really. I have promised Belly I will think about this clearly and will do what's best. Funnily enough, having tried to ruin my only real happiness, I still bare you no ill will. It hurts me that I don't. I know my faults and that is one of them.
Any more that you want from me, speak to Belly. Do not post your comments here of how you are sorry it came to this. Right now, I don't want to know, unless you have regret and an apology on your tongue. I don't think that means my phone will be too busy.
To reiterate, I know my own mind. The first person that dares drag Hannah into this negatively will... well I was going to put regret it. But then, as I think about it, no. I don't do threats. They don't suit, as I don't usually do anger and don't know how to deal with it. All I can say is that I'm sorry you've drawn me to this.
Should you wish to see my other well-wishers;
http://scarey-clarey69.livejournal.com/19879.html
http://void-kitty.livejournal.com/31793.html
Belly - thank you. You're a true friend, a shining star and I love you for it.
Take care.
Bye-d-bye.
-Peter
For the last three months, I have been with a woman who lets me know what it is to be truly alive. Throughout the last three months, my priorities have changed, my lifestyle has changed and I am happier. There are those that will read this and no doubt believe that Hannah has put me up to writing this. For those that know me, know that I have a brain of my own, a mind of my own, my own soul, my own thoughts, my own feelings that have been lacerated by lies, bullshit and rumour. I am an independant person. I have my own life, my own feelings. This is my life, my feelings, my rules. Where my life crosses over with another person's, I will usually bend to accomodate. Reecently, yes, I have been selfish; I have taken what I wanted for once.
For those who do not know, or wish to know, I would advise you stop reading. I am trying my best to be level-headed, rational, understanding and loving on these points. I am deeply hurt on what has occured, and over the course of this entry, I shall explain exactly why. Betrayal by my friends, and yes, for the reasons to be outlined, I do class it as betrayal has hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced.
My dissertation was based on the Genre of the Livejournal, with a large section concerning audience. Right now, I do not know who you are. You could be Belly, Gemma, Gems, Clare, Simon, Hannah, Doug, Dug or any other person on my friends list. For this, I am taking a stage. This is my story, my truths, told as if it were to an audience. There is a part of my that would like to think that by telling this, people will listen, that people will take note, that people will take stock of their actions and feel so thoroughly ashamed of what they have done that they change what has happened. However, there is the realistic part of me that knows that there will be no regret, no remorse despite what words may be put in the comments. Actions speak louder than words and the actions are quite clear. All me posting this will do is start another round of bitching and loathing towards us. I am thankful that I won't be around to hear it, but I hope against hope that the former option is true.
To begin. http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348481.html An entry from about a week ago. Boston is my town. This is the place that I love. For the reasons mentioned beforehand, that has been taken away, tainted, corrupted. This is no longer my town, it has turned nasty, snide. For those not involved, the whole story, from my view.
I have been with Hannah for over 3 months. I love her. I am in love with her. Deal with it. Please. When we got together, we missed the initial stages of glorious happiness of a new relationship because of how soon it was after I split up with Gemma. It was not planned or intended. It happened. I believe I have made my peace with Gemma on that and nobody else matters in that apology. There was bithcing, whining and annoyance. For example, see http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348481.html here. I believe that we dealt with it in a clear and adult manner, asking people what is wrong, trying to be understanding and listening to what was said. Mike, Ryan and Abi all addressed their problems with me, after the initial issues. After this, it looked like the world would resume its proper place.
Since I got with Hannah, I have started to feel alive. I have started to really breathe, feel what life can be from emotion. I have never been happier. Now, I am miserable, but not due to Hannah. The part of me that I don't understand is that while I have never been this miserable, I'd do it all again if having her was the same outcome. The reason I am miserable is because of the biggest asset, the biggest blessing I have had throughout my life; my friends. Over the last 3 months, there has been bitching, there has been snide comments, there have been a lot of barbs placed to upset. Whether these are deliberate or accidental, they have been there and yes, they have stung. To be constantly told things and 'reported back to,' often by anonymous sources, often by people that I would trust gave us the feeling that something was wrong. Frequently, I have asked people to come and talk to me if there's a problem and I know Hannah has done the same. Despite my asking, I have been told all's fine. The closest anyone has come is Gemma. Whether trying to help or not, she has told me what other people have said, not who said it. "People think X. People think Y. I can't tell you who, but they do." This leaves me suspecting many, many people. More things are told by others that leave a very clear map of who, what and how, if not the full story.
There are many rumours I would like to argue. Belly has made a very valid point; we are all human - none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and humans are prone to talk. Talk, yes. Tear apart their friends, intentionally or unintentionally from bitching, no.
Definitely no.
I am not saying I have not made mistakes. I am not saying Hannah has not made mistakes. We have admitted to them and dealt with them as best we can. We are not perfect either. But until now, at no point have I tried to rip someone down through bitching and rumour. Had I lived in Boston, there would be a target to hit which can defend itself. Had I been there, I could have dealt with this myself and quelled the rumours by showing people what is happening rather than people second-guessing my happyness, well-being, relationship with someone that loves me or anything else. Without a face or safeguard, one rumour will bleed into another, become manipulated and magnified until the grain of truth is lost in a desert of char.
One particular rumour I have heard is that the only reason I was moving out of the Chantry was that Bubbles had kicked up a fuss over Hannah and that Hannah wanted to have somewhere for herself. Yes, Bubbles has indeed expressed that she is not happy with more than 1 person living here, yet it would do people good to remember that I asked Hannah to move in with me, and when I did so, we were convinced that this http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/345415.html, a house that I had my heart set on was going to be ours. In my mind, as we walked around, I had laid out everything in my head. This was going to be our place, where I was going to live. I was going to have people over, live with the woman I loved, come home to a home, rather than a small 1 room flat. It slipped through our fingers. I was mortified. And then came this post: http://users.livejournal.com/_peter/348016.html. Do you see? It wasn't the house. It's her! She's what I want. When I get home, the highlight of my day is her smiling face peering over the banister. I do not work late any more. I do not wish to. I wish to be cuddled up at home.
Tomorrow... well... given the time, this was due to change. I was over the moon. In 3 hours, I was meant to be at the letting agent, signing the tenancy agreement. It's not happening any more. I'm not going to stay around here.
Reread the post. The starting one. The one about Boston. My home. The place that all the way through hating university, it was the place I was coming back to. That kept me going. Simon knew. I spilled my heart to Simon about how much I love this town, how great my friends are and what it's going to mean to be home. I now live in Spalding. The next town over. Boston has no jobs. As I said in the first post, it has no prospects. For those that do not know me well enough, I know my faults. I have no self-confidence to speak of, but Hannah has me believing in myself for the second time in my life. However, I still stand by my comparison between me and the town. I live in Spalding because I need to. I want to be with my Boston friends, my quayside, my all. I want to live near Peterborough so that I can have money to lead the life I want. This leaves me in the worst of both worlds. But now, I have Hannah, leaving me somewhere I love. To those of you who have mentioned that she has seperated me from you, consider this; since being with Hannah, I have spent more time in Boston than I have in the last 2 years, since being with Hannah, I have seen more of people and come the weekends, it is Hannah that wants to go to Boston to see our friends. It is my choice that we stay at the flat. After working all week, I want time with my lady.
I'm not going to have my home now. Not the one I wanted. I still love this town, but I love her more. I cannot stay here where people will do this. I have been told that people have done this out of worry for me, for love for me. It is the strangest thing that I cannot fathom. My mother knows me better than anyone in this world, the exceptions being Simon and Roz. She has seen us together. I have spoken to her. She knows what I want from my life, and has not seen me this happy in my life. Yes, she has worried. Do you know why? I do. I've got the full story. My mother has been a true friend, a brilliant source of joy and wonder who has taken Hannah in as a friend, rather than her son's girlfriend. My father seems to adore her tpp.
It has disgusted me that in trying to care for me and love me, other people seem blind. I find it so difficult to believe this was the intention, as how could it be? Ask me, I'm happier than I've been. One comment stands out from an email from someone who shall remain nameless.
"She's going to destroy him."
And yet, she has build me up to more than I ever thought I could be. I have actually grown a backbone, I had it in me to challenge Porn Boss to ask for a rise. Not because Hannah asked me to, but so that we could live together. This hurt me more than I can ever say. The rise kicks in this week, and yet, I won't see it's benefits. My achievement of 2 years' working my arse off comes to naught. If people were worried about me, they could have talked to me. Belly mentioned that people found it difficult to get me alone. It's not difficult. Ring me. You all know the hours I work. You know I spend 3 hours a day travelling. You all know my email address. You know where I live. What is worse is that people are taking things that are making me happy and twisting them to make it sound like my world is caving in. It is, purely because people cannot let me make a choice that *I* have decided. In many ways, I want to stop existing. Not die, not move. Just stop. Up until here. Gone. Because I cannot live here where I watch my love crying in her sleep and I do not wish to move from the home that reflects my being. Why should I because selfish people, (and yes, I do use selfish) cannot simply let it be. If you are genuinely concerned, tell me. When I ask you to tell me your concerns, I want to know. It is how I've always worked.
I do not have it in me to hate people. It does not fit my beliefs. It does not fit my personality. It does not fit what I want from life. Recently, you may have noticed that I am worried about how little time I have? This is because life is too short for petty grudges. Those that would consider themselves my friends; accept me as a whole. Accept my arms, accept my mind, accept my body. They are all as much a part of me as Hannah. I do not understand how you can do otherwise. If you can't accept that, know what you're doing to us. Belly, from what he has told me has spoken to people like this. "Fucking cut it out" was the paraphrase he used to me. I suspect as I know Belly he was more tactful with it, but the point remains.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. Hannah has been truly broken by this. She's had her angry moment, and we've sat up all night talking about it. Reread your comments. People that have claimed friendship, re-read the slap in the face you've dealt us both. Yes, both. If you have a problem, say you have a problem. Don't turn with the pack to rip someone apart. Don't say how brave you are when what you are doing is bullying someone who isn't there to defend herself, especially not when it is the person I love!
Again, I refer to those that know me. Count when you have seen me angry. Hold that number in your head. Anyone that saw me when my sister was run over will know how angry I can get. I can count about 4 times. Gems, I tried to ring you 3 times. I know you got those calls. You didn't answer. When I got through to Belly, I was livid. Belly calmed me down. Belly accepted my points, even when he didn't agree with them. He was there for me. He didn't turn on me like some snake waiting to sink its teeth in, post things across the net designed to hurt and barb. He acted in the role of my oldest and closest friend. Advised me. Told me where I was wrong. Accepted where I was right.
To anyone who wishes to know my mind, speak to Belly. He will give you it. As I said to him on the phone, it is unfair of me to put this burden on his shoulders, but I can't take it any more. If I fought it, I would have to fight the majority of my Bostonian friends or former-friends as I do not know who I can turn to any more, barring him. And it would be regular. You won't stop after this, we both know it. Do me a favour, for the friendship I once bore you. Parting request; try.
The majority of this has stemmed from 4 people who have taken it to escalate this. Thank you for driving me out. I do not believe that any of you are devious, evil or manipulative. I don't believe I know anyone like that. I do not believe that the majority of this was intentional, or at least until tonight with things being posted on the internet.
This marks a turning point in my life. In 2 hours, I'm not going to the letting agent any more. I'm going to work. I had the morning off to get things sorted, but now, I'm going to go in and work. The house will be gone, not to me. You've got what you wanted. Hannah has repeatedly not only told me to stay, but to go for the house. How can I continue to live here? I am going to tie up the loose ends here. I do not know what's going to happen much beyond that, but after the beating you have given my soul, I have no wish to continue here with you. There are those of you that I love and there are those of you that currently have made me sick tonight. You owe me nothing. In some cases, I owe you a lot. At least though, you owe an apology to those you have made miserable. To those friends caught in the middle who have no involvement, I thank you and am sorry you had to witness this.
I have said before, I do not believe myself capable of hate. Not really. I have promised Belly I will think about this clearly and will do what's best. Funnily enough, having tried to ruin my only real happiness, I still bare you no ill will. It hurts me that I don't. I know my faults and that is one of them.
Any more that you want from me, speak to Belly. Do not post your comments here of how you are sorry it came to this. Right now, I don't want to know, unless you have regret and an apology on your tongue. I don't think that means my phone will be too busy.
To reiterate, I know my own mind. The first person that dares drag Hannah into this negatively will... well I was going to put regret it. But then, as I think about it, no. I don't do threats. They don't suit, as I don't usually do anger and don't know how to deal with it. All I can say is that I'm sorry you've drawn me to this.
Should you wish to see my other well-wishers;
http://scarey-clarey69.livejournal.com/19879.html
http://void-kitty.livejournal.com/31793.html
Belly - thank you. You're a true friend, a shining star and I love you for it.
Take care.
Bye-d-bye.
-Peter