(no subject)
This might not make any sense but I need to get it out.
I hate it when I can't fall asleep, because thats when my brain starts doing things I don't like. Such as worry. And think about things that sort of upset me and then I get irritated all over again. Which, ironically enough, doesn't aid in sleeping. Like just now. It's nearly 2 in the morning and I don't like staying up this late. Granted, I slept all day long but still i don't wanna screw up my sleeping patterns really bad, so I decide to try and sleep. Bad idea. I start thinking about the conversation I had with my mom before she went to sleep and I get all skehjerntwihjfn (to steal a technique from emily) all over again.
Thinking about this conversation led to me thinking about the insecurity that I have about so many things. I was talking to Mom about Brad and that naturally led to talking about what stupid things he did to me. I blame him for being the way I am now- for never thinking I'm pretty, for always beiing insecure about relationships and for basically making me worry about things that I never worried about before he screwed up. I also blame myself, because I never identified myself as pretty, and I blame the fact that in every relationship or semi-relationship I have ever been in, I've been second choice. Now. Mom pointed out that just because Brad fucked up (not her words. mine) it didn't mean that he didn't think I was good enough, or fun enough, or pretty enough- it was just a stupid mistake. Which, if I'm being honest with myself, is probably true. But regardless, it created a quality in myself that I don't like. I HATE IT. I wish sooo much that I could just say, screw it, I know I'm awesome, and move on. But no. For some reason it manifests itself in an insecurity in my appearance, and whether or not I'm "good enough."
So now I pretty much need affirmation that I'm good enough or pretty enough or WHATEVER to not be so insecure. And I even freaking HAVE that affirmation and it still doesn't help. I'm still up at 2 am mad about it.
Mom told me not to be superficial- I told her I'm not. Its not that I have this deep desire to be considered beautiful. Its just the area that is lucky and its where this damn weakness comes out. I think its my problem. I hate weaknesses and I can't seem to fix this one.
I can't fix it cause you can't fix it by being like, hey, Sam, I think you're hot. I mean, of course that would momentarily help. But ultimately its something thats wrong with me. Mom said it would probably go away. I really hope so.
I hate it when I can't fall asleep, because thats when my brain starts doing things I don't like. Such as worry. And think about things that sort of upset me and then I get irritated all over again. Which, ironically enough, doesn't aid in sleeping. Like just now. It's nearly 2 in the morning and I don't like staying up this late. Granted, I slept all day long but still i don't wanna screw up my sleeping patterns really bad, so I decide to try and sleep. Bad idea. I start thinking about the conversation I had with my mom before she went to sleep and I get all skehjerntwihjfn (to steal a technique from emily) all over again.
Thinking about this conversation led to me thinking about the insecurity that I have about so many things. I was talking to Mom about Brad and that naturally led to talking about what stupid things he did to me. I blame him for being the way I am now- for never thinking I'm pretty, for always beiing insecure about relationships and for basically making me worry about things that I never worried about before he screwed up. I also blame myself, because I never identified myself as pretty, and I blame the fact that in every relationship or semi-relationship I have ever been in, I've been second choice. Now. Mom pointed out that just because Brad fucked up (not her words. mine) it didn't mean that he didn't think I was good enough, or fun enough, or pretty enough- it was just a stupid mistake. Which, if I'm being honest with myself, is probably true. But regardless, it created a quality in myself that I don't like. I HATE IT. I wish sooo much that I could just say, screw it, I know I'm awesome, and move on. But no. For some reason it manifests itself in an insecurity in my appearance, and whether or not I'm "good enough."
So now I pretty much need affirmation that I'm good enough or pretty enough or WHATEVER to not be so insecure. And I even freaking HAVE that affirmation and it still doesn't help. I'm still up at 2 am mad about it.
Mom told me not to be superficial- I told her I'm not. Its not that I have this deep desire to be considered beautiful. Its just the area that is lucky and its where this damn weakness comes out. I think its my problem. I hate weaknesses and I can't seem to fix this one.
I can't fix it cause you can't fix it by being like, hey, Sam, I think you're hot. I mean, of course that would momentarily help. But ultimately its something thats wrong with me. Mom said it would probably go away. I really hope so.