StAy WiTh Me FoReVeR
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Hey I'm just been kinda bummed out all day. There was really nothing to do over here. Tried callin people...no one picked up. I held off callin Javi thinkin I'd give him and me some space and let him call me when he wanted to. Eventually I gave in tho and called him. He was in Lubbock shopping for school clothes which bummed me out even more because it meant he wouldn't be meeting me up there tomorrow when I have to go by myself with my mom and Max.
He was like "Yep this is gonna be the last time my parents take me out to buy school clothes. After this year, I'll have a job and my own money." and then I got depressed because Javi's A SENIOR. That sux. I don't even want to think about that. And then he was like "Yeah my parents were talking about moving up here." And that hit me hard too. I was like "OMG No." and he was like "Not until after I finish my school year tho and graduate with my class." It brough no relief tho becuz I realize now that maybe I had been entertaining this idea in my head that maybe he would want to stay with me after he graduates and while he goes to college becuz i know he won't go too far away and he will always be in town to see his parents or something but now if they move, I might never see him again after graduation. And I mean if we do breakup, which we probably will...(gosh that hurts actually having to face the cold harsh reality) I'll have to go thru the whole depression breakup phase again just like I went thru with Andrew and Marcus. Where it seems that I lost everything and I feel empty all the time. And it's like I know it will hurt even worse because its Javi and he's my first love and he's probably going to be the first boyfriend I stay with for a long time.
And it's like how do you pick up your life after you end your first love? I mean I know he'll go onto college meet new people, probably get a new girlfriend and forget all about me, but me... I'll have another year of school left to remind me of all the things we did together and all the places we went. But the sad thing is, I cannot do anything about this. I mean what am I gonna do...break up with him now and feel the same way I will 9 months from now? I guess now I know why there's always that risk when you fall in love of getting your heart broken. And I'll obsess over him....I know I will. Sometimes I still think about what my past boyfriends are doing...but this is deeper and longer and the hurt and wondering will be too. So basically I was hit with the truth and I was sooo bummed the whole entire day. I went to cross country practice and ran. I talked with Cristina and Jane and I missed our old cross country days. Cristina brought me home and we talked about what's been up lately and things. I guess I came home with a whole new attitude because I'm realizing that I just have to make the most of what I have right now. I mean I still have atleast 9months with him. And I have to realize that when one door closes....a window opens. You just can't stare at the closed door so long...or else the wind will blow the window closed also. I just hope everything will be alright. I mean it's like I'm sentencing myself to heartbreak...I know it will happen and yet I still persevere...but maybe that's life and maybe that's what it's like to grow up. <3 <3 <3