EvErYtHiNG FeeLs So DiFfErEnT NoW....
You are never coming home, never coming home tonight....
Me and Javi got to the church with Heath in tow. He was like "Well Zach, I'm gonna cry for you one more time, buddy." and in we went. Everyone had this air hanging over them. Everyone was so sad. Johnny, the pastor, was like tonight we should try to capture Zach's spirit for him. And we went up to the stage to worship and everyone was into it. Alot of us put our arms around eachother and sang loud like Zach would have. It still felt empty not hearing him scream or go "Yeah!" Johnny talked about Zach and Javi just put his head down. At the end, he wanted us to get into little groups and just talk about it and everything. Well after we talked a little about it in our group, we kinda broke it up. And I guess it just hit Javi again, because he started bawling hard. All these guys wrapped their arms around him. I just stood there crying by myself, not sure if I should go over there too and wrapped my arms around them also. Justin Lathram, who I never expected to be there, was like "Sophie come over here." and pulled me into the circle. Javi found my hand and pulled me to him as everyone just cried.
After church, we all met up at Wendy's to eat. Javi took Brady, who is his real good friend, outside to talk to her about something. I really underestimated his friend, Heath. I always thought he was kinda gangster and stuff lol. He is really sweet and funny. He was like " Are you hungry?" and I was like "Yeah a little bit." So he gave me a bite of his burger and gave me half of his fries. After a while, we went outside to find Javi and Brady. They were sitting on his tailgate just talking. He later told me he was tellling her about how Zach had really liked her and was always too afraid to tell her himself. About how he would just freeze if she walked into a room. and he told me she cried. We all hung out on the truck just talking about everything. Finally Brady had to go so Javi just wrapped me in his arms as we listened to music from his truck. He was like "I know we're supposed to be rejoicing that he's in a better place, but I can't stop thinking about him and being selfish and wishing he was here with all of us."
Shiloh told us that they had donated his organs and pronounced him legally dead at about 11 that morning before he left. It all just felt so unreal.After Javi brought me home, he called me back and we talked more. I was like "I just cannot get it through my mind that he's gone. It's like I never knew that the boy I blew that kiss to would have the destiny to someday die. Isn't that weird how we knew him and yet this was his destiny...to die before he ever got to graduate" After talking for a while about Zach, I was like "Javi I feel so close to you now." and he was like "why do you say that?" and I said "Because I feel like we 've been through alot together. We've laughed together, cried together." and he was like " I know and I'm glad. I just feel like I can tell you anything that's on my mind and I like that alot." Somehow the subject switched to his ex, Megan. He was like "I don't want you to feel that you have to compete against her because there is no competition there." and I told him that I didn't but sometimes I used to wonder if he could ever feel the same way about her about me. And he said "No..." and I sucked in my breath because that stung a little but then he said, "I can't because she was the first, but with you it's different feeling entirely." and somehow I understood. I was like "Javi, that's gonna be me. I'm always gonna think of you as the first."
I'm so glad that he's in my life and I know we will stay together for a long time, especially after these couple of days because we need eachother. But sometimes, way in the back of my mind, I know that we won't get serious you know after high school and I wonder if I'll marry someone as good as him. I hope that there's someone like him out there...someone who is really easy to like and outgoing and unafraid and at the same time, sweet, and sensitive. It half-scares me that just what if there isn't?
Well we're not done crying for Zach. I know we'll all go to the funeral and mourn him some more. I just can't believe this happened. I talked to him on the fone while Javi was in Padre with him and I was gonna get to see him for the first time in two months the other night but I guess that wasn't God's plan. I just wish I could have seen his silly faces one more time....