dont read this
okay. it is 12:34 in the morning, and i'm in a horrible mood. so, i'm talking to el jay. if you dont like it. deal and fuck you.
teenagers go through high school with so much stress in their lives. first it was entering high school as a sophmore. i was freakin freaked out. i was so ne>rvous about my classes, and nervous that i was getting closer to leaving nash. junior year for everyone was even more stressful. but as we all know, junior year is the hardest for everyone. you know, many teenagers commit suicide because the stress level is so high. so what makes me any different? how do we handle the stress when other people didnt think they could. i mean, we have parents. dear god parents. sometimes they are your best friends, and the other time they make you feel like dirt. they know the best of you, and they know the worst about you and that scares me. my parents are the only people who know everything about me, and sometimes they use that to their advantage. my parents stress me out every day. telling me they know how far i'm going to become, and telling me that i will become something of myself. well what if i dont? what if i grow up to be a loner? god, i cant even think about it. then we move on to siblings. god i dont think there was a time when i actually loved my sister, well, maybe when i was little. but she is such a little shit. and mabye thats because i'm a teen and maybe its cuz she's a kid. but it still hurts. it hurts to see everyone with a great relationship with their siblings, and god knows i have tried to help things, i have tried to make things better with her, but it fails me every time. after my sister we rock out to the friends. my friends. hah. good one. yes, i have friends. but true friends that i can tell everything to? mmm nope. i am such a horrible person, it is totally my fault. i cannot tell everything to my friends, because i'm too afraid that they will find out about me. no, i dont have some deep dark secret that i'm afraid my friends will find out, but i just dont want them to see that i'm not always a happy person. goodness i know this sounds horrible and totally weird but its true. when i was little, my family (yes my dad and my sister) used to call me ugly and fat and my dad told me that i would never really find true love because once i found that "guy" he would find out that i'm a total loser. that scared the shit out of me. so i started dreaming. i know its okay for a little girl to dream about her knight and shining armor, but that stuck with me. i want the storybook. i want the guy to sweep me off my feet (not literally) <~ see? even with that comment i'm referring back to what my dad and my sister used to say to me. i have had it engraved in my mind and soul that im an ugly duckling. and yes, when people have said i'm pretty and not ugly. sweet. thanks. but one comment cannot change me. i have to believe it, and i dont. i have to be able to look at a picture of myself without cringing and thinking "damn i'm gross" but i'm not at that point yet. and god, it scares me because i think i'm never gonna be at that point. i'm never going to think that about myself, i'm never going to have a good self-esteem and that keeps me up at night. if i cant feel good about me, how can i let other people into my life? i put up walls, i do. but my mom told me something the other day, when we werent fighting, that sometimes people but up walls not to keep people out, but to see whose strong enough to break through them. but i'm scared. and i'm scared that i'm scared. so, back to the stress thing. i am not the only teen who thinks these things, and i'm not the only person who is feeling these feelings. but why do i feel different from everyone? i know, i'm different. i dont wake up feeling bright and chipper and i dont celebrate life. i pretend. i'm very good at pretending, have i told you that? i feel like most everyone has a purpose on this earth. they were put here for some reason, they have some special talent, they have found true love, etc. etc. but i havent! now i sound like poor pitiful erin. but geez, cant i say this without feeling like i'm wallowing. i dont know why i'm here, and 23 hours out of the day, i dont want to be here. i dont want to be going through this. i dont know what i want to do with my life, i dont know where i would like to go to college, i dont know how i'm going to survive senior year, i dont know how i'm going to survive tomorrow. i am a horrible person, and i wish i could convince myself otherwise. i'm sorry for this. for everyone that read this, bravo. please dont look at me in a new way or think i'm some kind of crazy. i'm just a girl going through some particularly rough times, rougher than most, but who hasnt felt that? who hasnt wondered what it would feel like to not be here anymore? well. i have. sorry. goodbye.
me.
teenagers go through high school with so much stress in their lives. first it was entering high school as a sophmore. i was freakin freaked out. i was so ne>rvous about my classes, and nervous that i was getting closer to leaving nash. junior year for everyone was even more stressful. but as we all know, junior year is the hardest for everyone. you know, many teenagers commit suicide because the stress level is so high. so what makes me any different? how do we handle the stress when other people didnt think they could. i mean, we have parents. dear god parents. sometimes they are your best friends, and the other time they make you feel like dirt. they know the best of you, and they know the worst about you and that scares me. my parents are the only people who know everything about me, and sometimes they use that to their advantage. my parents stress me out every day. telling me they know how far i'm going to become, and telling me that i will become something of myself. well what if i dont? what if i grow up to be a loner? god, i cant even think about it. then we move on to siblings. god i dont think there was a time when i actually loved my sister, well, maybe when i was little. but she is such a little shit. and mabye thats because i'm a teen and maybe its cuz she's a kid. but it still hurts. it hurts to see everyone with a great relationship with their siblings, and god knows i have tried to help things, i have tried to make things better with her, but it fails me every time. after my sister we rock out to the friends. my friends. hah. good one. yes, i have friends. but true friends that i can tell everything to? mmm nope. i am such a horrible person, it is totally my fault. i cannot tell everything to my friends, because i'm too afraid that they will find out about me. no, i dont have some deep dark secret that i'm afraid my friends will find out, but i just dont want them to see that i'm not always a happy person. goodness i know this sounds horrible and totally weird but its true. when i was little, my family (yes my dad and my sister) used to call me ugly and fat and my dad told me that i would never really find true love because once i found that "guy" he would find out that i'm a total loser. that scared the shit out of me. so i started dreaming. i know its okay for a little girl to dream about her knight and shining armor, but that stuck with me. i want the storybook. i want the guy to sweep me off my feet (not literally) <~ see? even with that comment i'm referring back to what my dad and my sister used to say to me. i have had it engraved in my mind and soul that im an ugly duckling. and yes, when people have said i'm pretty and not ugly. sweet. thanks. but one comment cannot change me. i have to believe it, and i dont. i have to be able to look at a picture of myself without cringing and thinking "damn i'm gross" but i'm not at that point yet. and god, it scares me because i think i'm never gonna be at that point. i'm never going to think that about myself, i'm never going to have a good self-esteem and that keeps me up at night. if i cant feel good about me, how can i let other people into my life? i put up walls, i do. but my mom told me something the other day, when we werent fighting, that sometimes people but up walls not to keep people out, but to see whose strong enough to break through them. but i'm scared. and i'm scared that i'm scared. so, back to the stress thing. i am not the only teen who thinks these things, and i'm not the only person who is feeling these feelings. but why do i feel different from everyone? i know, i'm different. i dont wake up feeling bright and chipper and i dont celebrate life. i pretend. i'm very good at pretending, have i told you that? i feel like most everyone has a purpose on this earth. they were put here for some reason, they have some special talent, they have found true love, etc. etc. but i havent! now i sound like poor pitiful erin. but geez, cant i say this without feeling like i'm wallowing. i dont know why i'm here, and 23 hours out of the day, i dont want to be here. i dont want to be going through this. i dont know what i want to do with my life, i dont know where i would like to go to college, i dont know how i'm going to survive senior year, i dont know how i'm going to survive tomorrow. i am a horrible person, and i wish i could convince myself otherwise. i'm sorry for this. for everyone that read this, bravo. please dont look at me in a new way or think i'm some kind of crazy. i'm just a girl going through some particularly rough times, rougher than most, but who hasnt felt that? who hasnt wondered what it would feel like to not be here anymore? well. i have. sorry. goodbye.
me.