Salene's Journal
I'm taking a few moments between the never-ending madness to write down my thoughts, which always seems to make me feel better, and maybe I can stop brooding over them and get past them. Plus, it helps to keep me from exploding on others.
Mouse...I was so happy to see her again, and having her around lifts my spirits, she's so full of life and wonder and energy and mischief. Of course, the mischief always gets me, in one way or another. Like, today she took off, after I expressly asked her not to. I don't mean to control her, but I have a slight bit of guilt after Cloe was so secretive and I didn't try harder to make sure she didn't stay out of trouble and now she's been missing for a while. I should be used to this now, people going missing, people leaving, but how can you get used to losing the ones you love the most? How can I get used to people leaving me? I can't, I won't, and even if I never see Ryan or Cloe or whomever again, I will never stop hoping they come home again.
Pride, is, well, what is there to say about Pride? He's been so...out of sorts ever since this Paradise addiction, not the same Pride he was when he arrived, but I love him so. I don't know what to do for him, this computer stuff is so confusing, so many technological things going on that I don't even know what is up anymore. I remember computers from before, of course, but now it's different and people like Ram are behind them, and now they're more like a big bad boogeyman than just another tool. Pride was taken in by it, the boogeyman, and I don't know if I can get him back again, I can only hope. I want to hold him and rock him and just make it all better, but I know that won't fix him, I've been through enough to know, but I know it would help. Just holding him in my arms today, even for a few moments as he slept, made everything inside of me feel like it clicked back into place, and then he was gone again. He's taken off again and can I help but worry? It all goes back to that people going away thing, and yeah Pride has come and gone a lot on his own, that doesn't stop the worry from hitting me.
Then there's this voting thing...we're voting, everyone, on who should be City Leader, and who should be Tribe Leader and I'm up for City Leader and yeah, I've done it before, and yeah I'll do it again if they want me, and I was feeling anxiety and sickening fright in my stomach this morning but now, well, I could go either way and I know I can do whatever is needed of me. I long for even a modicum of stability, and as scary as it is to say, a child of my very own, who might possibly let me baby it and would listen to me in the end, though wanting to be a real mother, no matter how much I love other peoples kids, is slightly unsettling, or a husband who doesn't get sent away, and I marvel in the small moments when people like Amber and Trudy are around, and I tell myself at least I have some of my family left, some of them.
Well there is someone new in the Mall, someone we're feeding and I should really get back to things, there are things to do, chores to be done, and sitting here writing in a journal isn't getting anything done. At least I feel better, yes, I can say that truthfully.
Mouse...I was so happy to see her again, and having her around lifts my spirits, she's so full of life and wonder and energy and mischief. Of course, the mischief always gets me, in one way or another. Like, today she took off, after I expressly asked her not to. I don't mean to control her, but I have a slight bit of guilt after Cloe was so secretive and I didn't try harder to make sure she didn't stay out of trouble and now she's been missing for a while. I should be used to this now, people going missing, people leaving, but how can you get used to losing the ones you love the most? How can I get used to people leaving me? I can't, I won't, and even if I never see Ryan or Cloe or whomever again, I will never stop hoping they come home again.
Pride, is, well, what is there to say about Pride? He's been so...out of sorts ever since this Paradise addiction, not the same Pride he was when he arrived, but I love him so. I don't know what to do for him, this computer stuff is so confusing, so many technological things going on that I don't even know what is up anymore. I remember computers from before, of course, but now it's different and people like Ram are behind them, and now they're more like a big bad boogeyman than just another tool. Pride was taken in by it, the boogeyman, and I don't know if I can get him back again, I can only hope. I want to hold him and rock him and just make it all better, but I know that won't fix him, I've been through enough to know, but I know it would help. Just holding him in my arms today, even for a few moments as he slept, made everything inside of me feel like it clicked back into place, and then he was gone again. He's taken off again and can I help but worry? It all goes back to that people going away thing, and yeah Pride has come and gone a lot on his own, that doesn't stop the worry from hitting me.
Then there's this voting thing...we're voting, everyone, on who should be City Leader, and who should be Tribe Leader and I'm up for City Leader and yeah, I've done it before, and yeah I'll do it again if they want me, and I was feeling anxiety and sickening fright in my stomach this morning but now, well, I could go either way and I know I can do whatever is needed of me. I long for even a modicum of stability, and as scary as it is to say, a child of my very own, who might possibly let me baby it and would listen to me in the end, though wanting to be a real mother, no matter how much I love other peoples kids, is slightly unsettling, or a husband who doesn't get sent away, and I marvel in the small moments when people like Amber and Trudy are around, and I tell myself at least I have some of my family left, some of them.
Well there is someone new in the Mall, someone we're feeding and I should really get back to things, there are things to do, chores to be done, and sitting here writing in a journal isn't getting anything done. At least I feel better, yes, I can say that truthfully.