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"It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen."
I've been keeping more and more to myself as of late. My sleep sucks as I have been plagued with strange, sometimes hellish nightmares. I spent all of my off days last week visiting my grandmother in the hospital. Upon entering her room, I felt that none of this could be really happening...as if I was in a film or something.
She is suffering from a variety of ailments and conditions now; Delirium, Fractured Pelvis, Broken Hip, some degenerative nerve problems, and who knows what else. It is very disturbing to see someone you love so much, in so much pain, and so out of her head. She has been seen threading needles that aren't there, talking to invisible people, and just the other day she was holding an invisible baby (me), and telling everyone what a beautiful baby I am (was).
I did my best to keep a good composure when I was around her, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I can't even begin to describe my feelings as I sat with her. When she is not sleeping, she is screaming or moaning in agony. She has a main line going into her body, filling her system with antibiotics, morphine, dilaudid, and who knows what else. The effect of the drugs is minimal at best.
It all started when she went in for surgery last November and has progressed to this. My mother has been with her the whole time. She has probably worked a total of 5 days this year. My mother's health has deteriorated as well. She is just getting over bronchitis and still has pluracy. Her lack of sleep and total exhaustion hasn't helped, I'm sure.
I'm not looking for a pity party here, I just want to get some of this down. My mind has been racing with thoughts of mortality, spirituality, existence, and so on. Questions that have fueled the thoughts of philosophers and thinkers for centuries. I don't think I have found any definite answers to my internal ramblings, but I have come up with a few ideas that I think I will keep to myself.
I wanted to have a deep talk with my grandmother about some of these things, and to let her know how much I care about her. Unfortunately, I was unable to. It was all I could do to keep her fed, help her with bodily functions, and do my best to keep her physically comfortable.
I arrived back in town last night but was too drained to go to work. I really don't want to go tonight, but I guess that would be a bit selfish.
I've been keeping more and more to myself as of late. My sleep sucks as I have been plagued with strange, sometimes hellish nightmares. I spent all of my off days last week visiting my grandmother in the hospital. Upon entering her room, I felt that none of this could be really happening...as if I was in a film or something.
She is suffering from a variety of ailments and conditions now; Delirium, Fractured Pelvis, Broken Hip, some degenerative nerve problems, and who knows what else. It is very disturbing to see someone you love so much, in so much pain, and so out of her head. She has been seen threading needles that aren't there, talking to invisible people, and just the other day she was holding an invisible baby (me), and telling everyone what a beautiful baby I am (was).
I did my best to keep a good composure when I was around her, but I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I can't even begin to describe my feelings as I sat with her. When she is not sleeping, she is screaming or moaning in agony. She has a main line going into her body, filling her system with antibiotics, morphine, dilaudid, and who knows what else. The effect of the drugs is minimal at best.
It all started when she went in for surgery last November and has progressed to this. My mother has been with her the whole time. She has probably worked a total of 5 days this year. My mother's health has deteriorated as well. She is just getting over bronchitis and still has pluracy. Her lack of sleep and total exhaustion hasn't helped, I'm sure.
I'm not looking for a pity party here, I just want to get some of this down. My mind has been racing with thoughts of mortality, spirituality, existence, and so on. Questions that have fueled the thoughts of philosophers and thinkers for centuries. I don't think I have found any definite answers to my internal ramblings, but I have come up with a few ideas that I think I will keep to myself.
I wanted to have a deep talk with my grandmother about some of these things, and to let her know how much I care about her. Unfortunately, I was unable to. It was all I could do to keep her fed, help her with bodily functions, and do my best to keep her physically comfortable.
I arrived back in town last night but was too drained to go to work. I really don't want to go tonight, but I guess that would be a bit selfish.